the thanks i get. march 20th.

so i spent another entire day mad at ever.

actually, not the entire day. because i met the girls at the salon and got my eyebrows done. the lady remembered me from my one trip three weeks back. i love being a big tipper.

then i took them to lunch at indian buffet. it was awesome.

but i came home, laid around a while to recover from buffet belly, and suited up for the basement.

commence hatred.

i swept up huge piles of sawdust that he left behind. i piled up all the junk that he had collected from the trash. basically, i said it before and i can't let go of it: i'm paying $700 to clean up after him.

it felt great to clear everything and separate out what i'm saving. to make huge empty spaces. to sweep the entire floor, which wasn't even visible before. i ran into three live spiders and a hundred million dead ones. i swept the ceilings.

like a year ago, the dryer vent disconnected from the back of the dryer. major fire hazard, combined with the sawdust and wood piles. i cleaned a year's worth of lint from behind and alongside the dryer.

i'm safer now. and that feels good. contractor wanted to start working tomorrow, but i can't be home from work to do it, so i'm in the process of setting that up. once that happens, i'll feel a million times better.

i'm making ramen and eating leftover nachos, because it's what i've got that is easy. someday i'll feel like cooking again. i've been too tired and drained to do it.

i watched the social network last night. i really liked it. i think it's funny that i hated facebook for a long time, and how i can't imagine my life without it. i hated myspace, too. but i didn't like how public everything was on fb when i first started using it to talk to kenna and nina and wendy.

the movie made me want to write mark zuckerberg a letter.


thanking him. for the friends i have reconnected with because of it. the reunions i've had because of it. how nice it is to know what my friends are up to, that i don't speak to as often as i should. never forgetting someone's birthday.

it's the best. and i'm glad he's a billionaire because of it. it's a genius idea
that should be commended. and learning the history was interesting to me.

i mindlessly rated boys while i watched it, and started planning out what to say to the astronaut boy.

i wrote him back today. i was a long letter, but i think it was well done. and i wasn't so brazen to ask him out. but i made it super easy for him to ask me.

i need to compile a list of boys to wink at now. the well has been dry, and maybe if i can just stir something up...

i don't know.

i'm antsy for a date. and i'm pretty fucking sad and angry that alot boy didn't reopen his account.

and something happened, too. that one five star boy who won't date smokers from a long time ago. he opened a new account and popped up as a new user. i wonder if this is a tactic that people employ. if one crazy comes along, and you have to jump ship to get them off your trail. i don't know that it would help with that at all. but i also bet he's not the only one to do it.

i almost cried again today. i think out of frustration with everything. but i had a very lonely weekend, and except for lunch today and happy hour with lauren on friday night, i was alone the whole time. something about not having a boy to make out with really bothered me.

and it's hormonal, i'm sure. because the dot is looming in the very near future.

i felt last night like i hadn't done nearly enough around the house this weekend, in an effort to not go back exhausted. and i bet i did it again. because i worked tonight, instead of this morning, i'm tired now, and my back is killing me. i'm showered, and i'm awake. i will need to put myself to bed very soon, or this week will get ruined like last week, in a heap of exhaustion.

it doesn't feel good to be so angry so much. i texted ever today. and of course i did not hear back. fuck him. i'll toss almost everything that isn't one of a kind/keepsake stuff.

harboring residual anger, and being angry while i work on the house, which has been an average of 10 to 20 hours a week, is not healthy.

i was telling the shrink, and hopefully i didn't already post about it, that i thought i'd be so sad here. and i'm not. but what i am is angry.

i started scooping up piles of sawdust after i got tired of accidentally walking through them and getting sawdust in my socks and shoes, and i thought, 'this is the thanks i get'.

it's like beating a dead horse to talk about how ungrateful, unappreciative, and generally defiant he is and was. it just kills me that he had a whole year here. where i let him stay because i didn't want to uproot him. but i just can't let go of it and i can't shake it.

and concentrating on it, despite listening to music that is happy and reminiscent of other times, was a recipe for me to feel worse than i spent most of my weekend feeling.

the boy didn't write me back about being my server. so i guess it wasn't him after all. either that, or he just thinks i'm stupid. or ugly. does it really matter? nope.

goddammit. if i don't get laid soon, or even just KISSED, i'm going to die. seriously, i can't take much more of this. the boys who live here have more sex than i do. and i'm essentially a whore in waiting. because if he's hot, i don't care how dumb he is. i'll have hot sex with him. i'm just not broadcasting that to the world. if only these guys had a clue. they'd all be hitting me up if they were desperate enough.

for once, please... just one cute boy to wink at me. or message me. PLEASE. it's killing what tiny shred of confidence i had left. and i think that if i message a bunch of guys tonight, like i plan to, and hear nothing back, again, it will continue to sink.

it's rough. sometimes i feel fine with it. better than trying to pick someone up at the bar. but now i don't even have a bar to pick someone up at anymore. not that i would if i could.

fucking hormones. ugh.

funny story from work though. caterpillar and his girl came in on friday. kim and pam were taunting me with the fact that they had a story for me, and wouldn't tell me until i saw them today.

it wasn't that crazy a story. but it was funny. apparently, they walked in together. and while kim helped him (read: lays it on thick in front of her), she walked to the end of the bar where pam was, and was looking around. in the back room, i guess. for me.

pam said they were both out in the open, and that she had no reason to go over there, because she was ordering a drink. and that she wasn't looking for anything else. that she was seeing if i was there, waiting to pop out and say hi and smile. but not lay it on thick.

kim told his girl that we love him when she said, 'they know what you drink?'. and i guess he felt like he needed to say, 'well i am here every day'.

they flirt just to piss her off, even though we all think he's pretty fantastic. and, of course, deserving of someone much better than her. like me. but that's beside the point. his pants would annoy me, and he probably hates smokers. researchers usually do.

maybe someday we won't see her for a while. and then we'll ask, 'where is she?'

and maybe he'll say, 'we split up.'

and then maybe i won't be so understated in my flirting anymore.

it only sucks where their girlfriends are assholes. like this boy chris. we don't know what his girl is like, he's never brought her in. but i'm curious. i hope she appreciates him. god knows pam would fight me for him, but i'd do my best to win. and make sure he knows how great he is.

boys. boys. boys. lauren can't keep them straight.

lauren: all you need to remember is that there is only one real life boy. his name is joey (pun intended). and god help him if he shows up this week. i will not be able to help myself. he won't even see it coming. hopefully he is actually really interested.

i wish intern was in the mix, but i'm too embarrassed to try to invite him out anywhere, ever. because he always says no. and i cannot take any more rejection. i haven't seen him since that night this summer, i guess. which is a fucking SHAME.

in other news, i am mostly certain that quinn will be turning in her notice tomorrow. it will be an interesting day. i need to rest up. save my strength. for the trenches. for the insanity. for the annoying girlfriends and unavailable pretend boyfriends. and for having to act like i'm devastated that my least favorite person is leaving the company.

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