matthew. april 7th.

so i'm coming back to write about that first date on the eve of second date, because things were sweet and cute. i'll keep the juicy details in paper journal, but some of the conversation points can go here...

writing posts with boys' names for titles makes me feel mannish. like, conquests or something. i was thinking yesterday that it would be easy to confuse what i'm doing with some mistaken case of a vendetta. like, bringing boys to bed to get even with them for doing something they never did to me.

it's not like i got conned by some. i mean, yeah, i've had my fair share of heartbreak, but it was not really caused by boys who made me think they liked me, took me home, and never spoke to me again or something.

maybe this is relationship retaliation. all the boys that broke my heart. making up for all that monogamy. a lifetime of being a serial monogamist. i bet kit on our little roadtrip adventure that i'd easily double the number of boys i've slept with my entire sex life so far (15 years' worth) by this summer. we'll see if that becomes the case. i fear that the only wrench would be meeting one that i like, and agreeing to exclusivity. but i don't really see that happening before summer.

safety first. i'm careful every time. and as long as that is the case, i don't take issue with what i'm doing with my body. or to my body. or having done to my body.

fuck it.

so, first date.

a few of you got the live version of this story in tea voice, but because i tend to tell stories in a strange stream of consciousness, some things might actually have been left out. or this might be the third time you've heard some of the bits, because i tend to retell pieces by saying, 'did i tell you that he said...'

in any case.

so i worked that night, closed the store. i got caught late, and he did, too. so we changed the time to be later. and it meant that i had time to go home and shower. which i was quite grateful for later.

redid makeup, got dressed quickly and ran out the door. he was going to walk, but changed his mind at the last minute and drove as well.

so there were two cars at the bar. and i kept forgetting all night that he didn't walk. i thought he thought i was braindead because i kept talking about him walking when he didn't.

in any case, we said 8, he ended up being ready early, so he went early. and i texted him that i was there, when i walked up outside. as i pulled the door open, he was three steps away from me, walking to me.

and right off the bat, a joke.

'oh, i thought you needed to be picked up.'

it was a great way to start the date. it was funny because, aside from the bartender, there was one other person in the bar. before i opened the door, i wondered if i'd have a hard time finding him inside, if he was there yet.

he said he hoped i didn't mind he started without me. and he had a little pile of money on the counter that the bartender pulled money from and added change to. so we sat there talking for two beers. on his third, we decided to go to another bar to eat.

we joked around quite a bit, talking mostly about work i guess. he was on his fourth day at a new job, where he works in a cubicle and hates it, because the people there are so boring and lame. i had told him about all the fun i have at work, and so we traded stories.

when we walked to the other bar, we were laughing and i was surprised to have to walk extra fast to keep up to him. what was funny was that, on the way to my car later, he said something about keeping up with me. i walk really fast. people are always fussing at me for accidentally leaving them behind. i always have to slow down. i was kindof impressed that he was faster than me, because he was only a couple inches taller than me.

anyway, we got to mom's and ordered corndogs and cheesy waffle fries and tots. i think he thought it was pretty fucking badass that i didn't turn my nose up at the food. as soon as he mentioned corndogs at first bar, i said, 'let's go. perfect!'

second bar conversation drifted away from the mundane work stories (which were not mundane at all, really) and friend stories, to the more flirty dating stories.

i said at one point, 'you know, the best thing you said to me during that phillies chat was the bit about not being annoying, liking baseball, and having boobs, what's not to like?'

maybe he didn't exactly remember saying that to me, but sounded familiar enough for him to laugh about it. and said, 'yeah. i'm pretty much out on a date with you because you have awesome boobs.'

i was giggling, totally into the honesty of the situation. we had a five minute conversation about boobs and bras and how important support is, and how awful it is when people don't know that and walk around with saggy tits.

the whole time we were talking boobs, he had one of those little plastic frogs. the kind that have the little tab on their butt, that you push down and release, to make it jump. he was aiming for my cleavage. i was coaching. he admitted that the game was really just a way to stare at my boobs blatantly. and i apologized for wearing my best bra and a tight shirt, because it gave him no chance to get anything down my shirt. the poor frog kept bouncing off my left boob and back onto the table. but i give him a lot of credit for trying.

it seemed so juvenile, but it didn't feel that way. it was fun.

that was about the time that he complimented my collarbones. and started to accuse me of lying about the gym.

and i said something about him having exactly the type of body i like on a boy, too. and he said that he used to be a fat kid, and that he still worries about ending up back there again. that he battles the pudge. i told him he's insane, that there is no pudge. he kept patting his belly. his non existant belly.

then we talked about dates and dating. about dating site. and i really listened more than talked, as he was my first date. he asked me what was my worst date, and i had to say that he was kindof my first date, that i'd just joined the site.

and what was funnier is that he wasn't surprised by it. he said he gets that enough to think that he has a knack for being people's first date. and said, 'i think i'm a great first date.'

and i concurred.

he talked about a few bad dates he'd been on. one with some feminist who kicked him out of her car after he walked around to open the driver's side door to let her in.

he said enough for me to know that he goes on a lot of dates, with a lot of girls. and i picked up what he threw down. it didn't come across as cocky like chalk. or as slutty. it just came across like he enjoys going on dates, and likes to be out often. so he does.

we talked about how funny it was that we were both in head to toe gap clothes. i complemented his sweater (white knit, cottony goodness) and he said his mom bought it for him like 12 years ago, and that he loves it, and that it's from the gap. and we both started saying, oh so is my shirt, so are my pants, back and forth until all of our clothes were designate as gap.

i don't know. he was a lot of fun. and i was right about thinking he'd be a lot like my friend bryan from back home. very similar looking, with his hair and hat and brown beard and glasses. his sense of humor wasn't quite as dry, but he laughed as much and made me laugh as much. only bryan was never really my type, but somehow matthew is.

i don't know, i guess it was after the gym comment that he said something that was smoothly followed by, 'i mean... i'd do you.'

and i giggled and said, 'word.'

we talked shit about our crappy waitress, who was the girl version of confused eyebrows hottie who is dumb as a box of rocks and looks confused when you order a pbr. and decided to split. he was definitely beyond tipsy, but not really drunk. i was right at tipsy. i only had one beer there, he had two. i paid for that portion of our date, after he'd bought drinks at the other place.

we walked out, talking about cee lo. he wanted to play it on his phone and make some grand entrance for his first friday at his new job. but we both decided that it might not be the best idea. that someone might get offended.

and when we got outside the bar, he put his arm around my waist, which was nice. i wanted to do it, but was afraid to. so i was smiley when he did. and he had his hand on my hip, and kinda tickled me while we walked. i kept squirming out from under his hand and laughing. and he kept doing it. he'd decided to let me drive him home because he didn't want to drive after drinking. i'd made it clear i was stopping when i did specifically to drive, and told him i'd take him home.

so we got a third of the way to my car, and he stopped walking suddenly. because of his hand being on my hip and arm around me, he was easily able to swing me halfway around, to him, and kissed me right there on the sidewalk, mid block. it was awesome.

i said, 'that was nice,' and i guess about two thirds of the way, he grabbed my hand, laced fingers with me. and stopped dead in his tracks, telling me that, if i wanted to hold his hand, i had to act like it. i asked if it was the equivalent of a dead fish handshake, and he said not that bad. so i said, 'seriously. critique me. what am i doing wrong? this could be very helpful to me.'

and at first, he was reluctant to say, or maybe it was just a feeling, not something specific. but in either case, he just squeezed my hand a little harder, and said, 'more like that. let me know that you are there. let me know that you want to be holding my hand.'

it was funny. it wasn't mean at all. again, not cocky either. just playful and helpful. i was grateful.

and then we were at my car.

and got in. and i turned the corner, and asked where he lived if i was taking him home. and he said, 'well, are you taking me home or are you taking me home with you?'

and i looked at him and smiled and said, 'i'd take you home with me.'

and he said, 'great. we can make out and stuff.'

and i told him i like making out. and spent most of the rest of the drive apologizing for how messy the house and my room was.

and that's how it was that i had a boy over last thursday. i've said all i'm going to say about the rest of it. and i guess that there will be more to say about him tomorrow.

i quite like him. not in that swoony heady way, exactly. just like, 'that boy is FUN. and he's CUTE. and he's good at kissing. and somehow managed to pick me up. more than once.

i fucking LOVE being picked up. ever never did it and i always wanted him to.

when i left him, and told kenna about it originally, i said, 'i want to be carried to bed, you know?'

and she knew what i meant.

and it's nice to get that. from a string bean boy with what i consider to be a perfect boy body, who is barely taller than me and almost as skinny. i couldn't believe he could pick me up.

he surprised me more than once.

and i'm pretty excited to see him again.

not too excited. luckily.

head squarely on my shoulders.

it's funny, all this boy stuff.

the chalks and matthews of the world? no problem. i can have sex with them all i want, and not get all swoony and attached. not lose my head in a smitten crushed out kindof a way. maybe over time. maybe after like 30 times of sleeping with them. but most likely not a concern.

it's the joeys that i fear. the ones i liked first. the ones i pursue. the ones who aren't random boys i don't know at all. who i got to know, then decided that i'd like to make out with. then maybe something else with.

they're going to be the ones i have to be careful with. they're going to the be the ones that i hesitate to jump into bed with. because i have to, to protect myself.

i'm so afraid of getting caught up and my heart swooning and running away from me.

i'm really good at keeping myself from making that final leap. i can absolutely push myself to the edge and come back down from there, without caving. i did it when i decided to be alone. i did it the way i mean it here when i was in florida and chalk was trying to talk me into poolside sex.

i always warn them. well, i say always, but i have before and now it will be easier to. before i met ever, i used to tell boys 'i will not sleep with you. if you're just looking to get laid, don't waste your time on me.'

and half the time, they walked away. and half the time they put in enough effort for me to feel like giving it to them in time.

but now? now i come with a warning label. well, if i actually like them as more than a random friend. if i'm afraid of getting tangled up and wanting to say things that are too telling and wanting to cook and bake and makes mixes for them.

those are my tells. like itching your nose at a poker table. when i catch myself thinking, 'i should play my mix for him,' or, 'i should make him dinner,' i am going to have to do some serious internal lecturing.

because that is precisely how i've ended up in every relationship i've ever been in. it's also how i've ended up smitten and heartbroken with every boy who wouldn't have me, despite my desperate attempts to win them over.

it's funny. this is precisely the opposite approach i had in my life before ever.

i would only sleep with boys that i thought i loved. boys that i thought i would be willing to marry. boys who earned it. boys who only wanted to be with me.

now? i will only sleep with boys that i don't have any kind of an emotional attachment to (he's cool/funny/respectful is about as far as matthew got), now i'm mostly certain i don't ever want to get married again. i'm giving up on the first date to boys who probably don't deserve it at all. boys who can get it from a slew of girls, and probably do.

which is why i'm careful. and always protected.

and it's why i'm going to have a lot of fun.

and for those who have been concerned about my nervous non-eating... i am now pigging out again.

i don't know what changed. maybe because i have a second date and because i finally talked to joey and because i stopped worrying about ever dying. my nerves are calmer. and i guess it's been since yesterday at work when i felt hungry. like, making up for lost time kind of hungry. i know it's a cumulative effect from not being able to eat much for like two weeks. that, and hormonal imbalances making me want to eat everything in my line of vision.

it feels good to start to catch up on what's been happening with me. now if i can just tackle the nate weekend and kit roadtrip. i'm out of time at suck store. i got too much work done today to have written that thing out. but maybe when i'm home. i hate feeling so swimmy because i can't make time to type it out and get it out of my head.

here's to a night of condom shopping, tanning, toenail painting, fingernail painting, foot scrubbing, leg shaving preparations.

boys, hide your penises. there's a cougar on the loose...

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