it's not that it's not enough. it's that i will always want more.
on the heels of yet another amazingly incredible 16 hours, i need more. i needed more within the first two hours of parting ways for work. it's fucking crazy. it's unacceptable. because the expectation will only lead to disappointment.
i'm less scared tonight, which i'll take. because the last two weeks for me have been not quite terrifying, but not quite not, either.
the shrink yesterday did help me. she gave me two tools to use when i start with the negative thinking.
one involves literally making a list of the reasons why the thought could be justified, and the other of why it's not. and said that when i write them out, i'll have an easier time believing what is most likely going on in his head, than feeding the fire of what is in my brain, trying to eradicate the goodness.
the other involves thinking that my own scenario is not mine, but a friend's. what i would say to make them feel better. and telling myself that instead of the negating thoughts.
time will tell. i felt so great all day today that i haven't had to use them yet. and i can rest assured that, over time, a few changes will occur.
i accidentally raised a red flag to her yesterday, when i said i didn't believe that i deserve this. that the guilt i'm harboring over ever and fear of karma breaking my heart the way i broke his are making me feel like it's my turn, cosmically, to have someone desert me and break my heart.
she stopped me. and said, 'what do you mean, you don't deserve this?' she said it in such a way that it made my brain stop running, momentarily.
and when it halted, i explained what i just wrote out.
and she said, 'don't you think that, instead, you deserve to feel these good feelings, and to have something that is both real and good, because of the years you spent with ever, being so much less than happy? don't you think that you deserve this because you took that time alone, and that you are finding it now because you are ready to?'
it's what kit and nina and aubree and lauren tell me. but coming from her, who has gotten to know the way my brain works this last year, gave it extra validity.
so i told myself, and her, that maybe i do deserve it. maybe this is karma in reverse. the universe throwing a starving dog a bone.
and yeah, it's been almost a month since this thing started. which is both unbelievable and mindblowing to me.
what's more is that i had the balls yesterday to send him an email, where i admitted that this past weekend was more heady than i'd have wanted it to be, worrying about how my email and letter were received by him, because i didn't hear from him. and said, in the next 'breath', that it's my issue, and fuck vulnerability.
and today sent him a nice email.
and if today was last week, i would have probably been a little upset and worried that he didn't respond to either, or comment on them.
but because this is this week, i didn't. he said so many things to me both last night and this morning that i could relax into it a little. and know that wherever he was when he read them, that he smiled. and loved it.
and though i did wish for a minute tonight for a call from my 'mental boyfriend', which is what i've taken to referring to him as, i wasn't stressed on it.
and came out to the deck, in the steamy disgusting soupy night, to write this out. because i have missed writing as much this week.
and it turns out he was paying attention. and despite the fact that it is my problem, he is sensitive to it.
because he sent a text goodnight, telling me he got my email today. and that he loved it. and that he'll talk to me soon.
maybe the secret to having a good relationship is having the connection and the intensity and the chemistry. but more than that, maybe it's sharing your weaknesses and vulnerability with someone, and having them show you that not only is it okay, but that they'll be sensitive to it.
i really didn't expect to hear anything from him tonight, and that would have been okay. though i will admit to checking my email frequently today, at this point in the evening, i wasn't looking for anything from him.
and he surprised me.
and it feels really fucking good.
because he does care.
the game last night was bittersweet. it was a horrible game. certainly would have been more fun and voice losing to have been a game where we won, or at least played like we were in the game.
but i was there with him, and it was awesome.
and after the game, we took a cab home, which is really not ideal at all. but he sprained his ankle at soccer on monday, and couldn't walk like we would normally.
and jesus christ, i am so glad that it was so dark out, because we had a potentially very awkward cab ride home. no one wanted to pick us up, because the house is so close to the stadium. so we got in, asking what the ideal fare is. and the cabbie said that someone from delaware or jersey could easily result in a $100 fare. which blew my mind completely.
but he took us. and after explaining cab issues and woes, asked, 'are you two married?'
holy FUCK i felt my whole head go hot. and we both said no at the same time, laughing. and he said, 'boyfriend and girlfriend?'
and we both laughed again, though i have to admit it was a little more uneasy the second time around. and both said no again, to which greg said, 'we're dating'. and he didn't hear, and asked a question that reflected that he just didn't get it. so i said, 'we're just dating.'
and greg clarified, 'this is only our fourth date.'
and the cabbie said something profound about relationships, and talked about his wife and kids, and i tuned out most of what he said, trying to bring my heart back to a normal rate of beating. something about being lucky, i think.
and as we pulled up to the house, after having back and forth hand squeezings the entire ride, he wished us luck in our relationship, saying that there are three people in the relationship, did we know who?
and said that it was the two of us, and god.
and i should have been more graceful, but felt comfortable enough saying, 'god? okay.'
and overtipped him for sparing us the torture of trying to unsuccessfully hail one of another fifty cabs and causing greg more pain walking than he'd already experienced.
and we went inside, and went to bed.
we were both pretty beery, and were both too exhausted to physically exert ourselves, but we made out for a couple hours. which sent me to the moon.
and i had a couple smokes after he fell asleep. and i couldn't sleep at all, out of happiness.
and for a split second, listening to my sleepy music mix and watching him sleep, feeling him twitch in his dreams, and trying to see his freckles in the darkness, my eyes stung. i was smiling so hard that i felt a headache forming. and i just kept thinking about the things he said and things we did, and thinking, 'i'm so happy. i'm so HAPPY!'
i didn't cry, but it was close. and i didn't fight it because he was sleeping and wouldn't have seen.
at one point, maybe around three, i was still awake, listening to him breathe. and i moved a little to get my water, and leaned up on his elbow and kissed my back three times in three different places, and laid back down and started snoring tiny little breaths immediately.
even in his sleep, he is the sweetest boy.
and we woke up twice and went back to sleep three times, hitting snooze at least six times, which he'd warned me about.
and watching him get dressed for work from an upside down in bed and sideways flopped out position was a great way to wake up. i got ready after he left.
and didn't mind the hot sweaty drive to work that i didn't want to do, despite air conditioning in the car, blasting. i missed him immediately.
i drove thinking about how his day at work was going, knowing what he was up to. wondering what he was thinking about.
and i didn't mind work, spending the first two hours i was there helping sporadic customers, and cleaning up after cat's super messy morning. and when i finished that, and sat down to finish and send the email to quinn where i ripped her about sixteen new assholes, my stress level was negated by the good-feeling brain chemicals that flooded my head all day.
and when i hit send, i texted her to say that i sent her an email, and that we could discuss it tomorrow, if she wanted to.
and rewarded myself with ten minutes of uninterrupted email time, designed to put a smile on greg's face, and in turn, keep a smile on mine.
and that turned into forty minutes, because i couldn't think through the fog of heat and good feelings. but i did it, and sent it, and cleaned up to go home.
got a second shower and changed, to have final living-in-phila beer week beers with lauren, before she moves this weekend to new york.
and we caught up over the course of three beers, dinner, and dessert, because i was feeling just THAT decadent, and hadn't eaten a single thing all day.
and i spent a little time talking to her about him, because she only knew what i'd said before i met him, just through that original contact. and asked her, when she met her boyfriend, how quickly she knew that she was in love with him, and that he was the one for her.
and she said 'immediately'.
which makes me feel normal, and not crazy. it puts my mind at ease.
i'd talked to kenna also, at work, mostly about work. and she asked how things were going with my new boy. and i said how overwhelming it is to be on this side of the divorce and feeling this way when i was so cynical just a month ago.
and she said nearly the same thing. that she dated the town drunk stalker after she left her husband, and a couple other guys who were nice, but that, when she met her now-husband, she knew right away that he was different. and that he was the one for her.
yeah, it's scary. yeah, it's soon. but sometimes these things happen. it's happened to enough people that i know to feel like it might last, not fade like what i am so much more familiar with.
it's happening to me now. and i don't know why, and i certainly cannot explain it so well. but it's very real to me tonight. and i feel so much better about all of it, post-processing it, post-shrink, and post-hangout with him, and post-conversations with friends.
it's going to be a while before i can talk to him about it. we're continuing to do an incredible job of talking around it, and it is working. we're both getting what we need from it, feeding each other heaping spoonfuls of drippingly sweet compliments and affirmations.
i took a cold shower when i got home from beers out with lauren, i was so hot that my face was completely red, i felt woozy and sweaty and overheated. the shower was my third of the day, and it wasn't the jarringly cold variety.
there's a sensation that i love, taking a cold shower. when you just stand under the running water, and feel the hot water created when cold water meets the body heat center of your head. the water temperature is so varied, that you can feel the warmed water running down your back in a stream, while the cold water hits every other part of your body.
i love that feeling. i hate the heat it takes to get the sensation, but it gives me goosebumps every time.
and i got into pjs and went out to write, now back in bed.
i feel satisfied. i feel fantastic. i feel good. and i feel like this is just the beginning.
i'll take the cold showers. i'll take the waiting. i'll even take some nights of non-communication.
because i am finally starting to believe that we've got all the time in the world. he had to say it to me about ten times for me to believe it. but he won't stop saying it. we will do it all. everything that we talk about wanting to do.
on the phone the other night, he made plans with me. for next summer.
here's to hoping the negative cycle is over. i don't want to feel those feelings, and now i feel like i'm armed with tools that will keep me from feeling them.
i'm so glad to have my shrink. i'm so glad for my friends and family. and i hope i don't drive all of them crazy, talking about this boy... i'm glad for him, too.
i'll work on being okay with letting him have so much control over my happiness. i'll work on being regularly happy, and his influence being the icing on the cake, instead of the cake, the icing, and the bakery it's made in.