independence day 2011. july 4th.

within an hour of posting yesterday, i was in the kiddie pool on the roof. nina texted me, and i responded with a line about realizing that greg isn't boyfriend material right now.

it's a funny thing to realize at this point in the game. i mean, with joey, i knew the second i walked into his apartment. and with matthew, i knew that he'd be a good boyfriend, just not for me.

but it's a little unfair to think that he was for that first month, and to only realize now that he's not. it's not about loyalties. or compatibility. it's not about monogamy. it's about making time for me. he is just not going to do it. and for me to have a boyfriend? that is a necessity.

i'm choosing to believe that, if he was going to make time for someone, that it would be me. but he's not going to make time for anyone in a relationship sense. and that is the difference - this isn't going to be a relationship. it's just dating. it's a major bummer to realize that matthew made more time for me than greg is, and i'm so much more into greg.

what's okay about it is realizing that i don't need to be with anyone else instead, or be looking for someone else instead, though i'll be honest: i've been staring down the link to dating site on my toolbar. part of me wants the fun and excitement in my life.

i'm afraid of meeting someone else now. because this heartache is bad enough. and the fun is flirting with the line of not being worth it.

i think this is about a long term investment. or most likely, just longer term than this summer. i'm not ready to give up on him, even though i see a lot more heartbreak in my future. i'm really not happy about not being a priority, much less a top five priority with him. but i've accepted that this is how it's going to be for a while, if i decide to stay in this thing with him that lacks a title.

i don't know how i will handle the inequity. i don't know if i can. but i think i have enough information now to know that i'm not going to get top dollar right now, for my investment, and that i don't need to spend days and nights crying over the time i've lost to this point, much less the time i'm going to continue to lose, because i can't shake it off.

and i don't know if i can wait to cash in my stock. i know i need to wait the market out. and see what happens next, before realizing that i'm at the bottom and need to sell before i lose more ground. which could very well be where i'm headed.

i think that, out of the conversation, what i held onto the most was the next to last thing he said, 'i like you a lot, tea.'

and right after he hung up with me, instead of sending the email that i told him meant a lot to me, to get from him, he sent a link to an r.e.m. live performance of 'nightswimming', because i told him i want nightswimming right now. and michael stipe happens to be wearing a tee shirt in the video that says emotionally unavailable. i wonder if he noticed.

i also held onto the part where we were talking about golfing, when i said i really want to go because i've never been, and he said that we'd do that, because he loves golf and thinks we should go together. that he's into the fact that i'm into it.

and the part where he had me read the lottery numbers for him, while he checked his twenty tickets, and said, 'if i win, we'll join a country club. i can golf, and you can play tennis, or whatever you're into.'

it's those lines that get me.

i try to forget the part where i know he's around today, and that if he wanted to spend time with me, he'd ask. i said more than once, 'if you are back, and you have some time, let me know.'

that's the thing. let's have lunch. invite me over for ONE BEER. i don't need an overnight. i don't need an all day affair. i just want to see his face. and makeout. goddammit.

thinking he was perfect for me is a terrible height to fall from. realizing that he's not is a hard pill to swallow. and thinking that he could be, further down the line, when his time isn't so limited that he won't allocate some to me, is where i am now.

i wonder if the feelings will die out before i expect them to. i have a big head start, because of all the anger and sadness i've been channeling over him the past month. it will make it easier to cut him loose, if that is what i end up deciding to do.

independence day? i don't know about that. i feel like it's codependence day.

aubree had to remind me where i was and what i was doing last year.

a year ago today, she told mom about her girlfriend. a year ago today, i cried my eyes out when they had a breakup discussion in front of me, because of the way my mother treated her girl.

a year ago today, kit was in florida with me, and we went to my cousin's house to have a day of fun and sun and awesome pooltime and jetskis and beer and grilled awesomeness, before she flew back to phila.

it seems like an eternity ago.

last summer was so incredible. there were definitely some coffee-tinged dark spots, but a month ago, i thought this summer would top that one, because i'd fallen so hard for greg, and things seemed like they would never be bad.

and if i don't change my attitude soon, i'm going to blow the chance of that being a possibility.

i want things to turn around. i NEED things to turn around. and the only way that can happen is if i decide to make my own good time (thanks, nina) and get over not getting what i want.

this month will be a good one, i know. with things at work changing, and a week of vacation in a week, and two weeks of vacation once the month is over, it will be awesome. it's about to get better, i know.

i can't wait to have nina here, and today, i really kinda can't wait to go home in a month. i wish i was there now, hanging out in mom's kitchen, and being by the pool with family. celebrating independence without feeling independent.

but i am not. i am here. and it's time to act like it.

it makes me laugh at myself a little when i give myself these pep talks. because i can fake it long enough to talk to myself like that. but when it comes down to it? i'll be bummed out again in a few minutes.

the trick is to make the stretches of minutes where i'm tough get longer, slowly.

aubree and i are heading out on bikes to see what the city of independence has in store for us today. free things. a million people in the streets. it will be a good distraction for both of us.

i'm back to being all about distractions... so i don't have time to think about the stuff that is consuming my feeble little brain.

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