yesterday was the kickoff to the holiday weekend, and i knew that i was going to be walking a fine line between enjoying my day and hating my day.
what was awful was waking up at 6 in a panic, after nightmares about greg. i had myself totally convinced that something had to be very wrong. and my crazy headspace had me convinced that he either wouldn't ever talk to me again (thinking he knew things i'd written on here, without having talked to me, and that he was done), or what i was completely convinced of... that something terrible had happened to him.
and when i woke up, i was just as convinced that something was horribly wrong. i hadn't heard from him since wednesday afternoon, when he said he didn't forget me and that he would send the email he wrote when he got back to the hotel. only he didn't. and when i beaconed out, i got nothing back. no text. no answered call.
and because i couldn't believe that he would just NOT respond to me, surely he must be in a hospital or in an accident or dead.
but no. he wasn't. he'd posted something on facebook after midnight, saying he'd bought a new car after hours at a dealership, after work.
my relief was huge.
but emotionally, i was heartbroken.
and after typing congratulations and erasing it six times, i finally posted it. and when he responded to all the comments around 10, saying that he was there when i called and that he'd call me in a bit, i finally felt better.
and carried my phone around everywhere i went all day. waiting.
aubree and i decided to set up the kiddie pool for a day of fun in the sun on the roof. but because she's more responsible than i am, despite the eleven years younger than me she is, she said we had to fix the window before we could fix the pool.
so we took a trip to home depot, and after a frustrating call to dad for advice, came back with the supplies i thought we'd need. and wouldn't you know? i thought of it all!
we put four hinges on one side of the window, and a sliding lock on the other to secure it. doing that meant buying a wood chisel set, and carving out flat spaces in the trim, which i could handle. it took an hour.
i'd never chiseled wood before, but after the first space was carved, the rest moved very quickly. and aubree is the power tool genuis, so she drilled pilot holes and secured screws, while i contortedly held everything in place.
and once that was done, we had to dig out all the nails that had been holding the window in place the whole time, and went about setting up the pool.
i didn't skimp on the kiddie pool. i got an eight footer. i could probably fit three other people in the thing with me. it's pretty awesome. it was hot and after the work of getting the window fixed, we cracked beers and sat in the pool through several inches of filling it with water.
i was drunk by three.
it was around 4 when i started getting angry. what exactly constitutes a bit? and i texted him, 'you're killin' me smalls', a quote from the sandlot that we both overuse, but had never used against each other.
and we didn't get any sun, really, which was our goal. it took so long to set up that we only hung out for about an hour before kim and pam showed up.
we moved the party inside and i went (drunk) to get food for all of us. which took what felt like forever, maybe 20 minutes. came back and ate, telling stories. and i started to feel sick. sick because of the food, sick over greg, and just sick of everything.
i excused myself to lay down for a bit, with my phone in hand. nothing.
got up when i felt a little better, and talked some more.
excused myself again when i knew i was going to cry. and i spent probably 45 minutes in my room alone, crying my eyes out. having this imaginary conversation with him where i basically broke it off.
and got up because i knew if i spent any more time in bed, i'd not stop crying. came outside to write an email i didn't know if i'd ever send. and aubree came out to check on me. i knew i looked awful, from all the crying, and said, 'i can't stop crying. i'm sorry. i don't want you to see me like this.'
and she talked to me for a bit, before i told her to go back inside with the girls, so i could sit and write and be alone. i did stop crying, which was a relief. didn't really finish the email, but got sick of writing it, and went back in to join the girls again.
i think that he finally called me at around 930, maybe 10 last night.
after an afternoon that moodily alternated between laughing our asses off with kim and pam, who came over to hang out and celebrate quinn being on her way out and to play wii with aubree, i was emotionally exhausted. and knowing what i had to say to him, when my phone finally rang, and i answered it, i didn't bother to hide how i was feeling. and said hi, sounding less than happy to hear from him.
i knew the conversation would be weird, and when he asked how i was, i don't remember the word i used, but dodged it, and intentionally shifted the conversation to him because i didn't just want to attack him right off the bat. i asked where he was and what he was up to.
things were worse in my mind when i thought that he was here, at his house. what's funny is that, when he said he was at the beach house, that almost made me feel better.
it's like i forgot that all last week, all i wanted was for him to ask me to go with him. but he was talking about why he was there, and telling me about cleaning the house with his parents, between renters. so i knew why he didn't ask me. he also said that he hates the holidays down there, and just wants to go when the holidays are over to hang out and enjoy it.
i listened to him for a while, and then he asked me a question, maybe how i was doing or how my week was or something. and i took a breath, and started talking.
i said that i was sorry. that i was at a bit of a loss for words. i literally was. i was trying to keep my voice even, and find the words i should really have practiced.
i said that i really wanted to talk to him in person, but that, because i don't know when i'll see him next, that i had to say something things to him on the phone, and that i was sorry if it was weird for him.
i said that the last two weeks have been an intense struggle for me. that not being able to see him has been really hard on me. and he said he knew and that he was sorry.
i said that not getting the email he'd promised was really disappointing. and he fumbled for words, i could hear him thinking. he didn't realize that he hadn't sent it to me. he really thought he had. and said that he knew he'd copied it and pasted it, and i said that i hoped he hadn't sent it to someone else. and he made a joke about 'sorry, mom...'
and i asked him if he'd please send it. that i really needed it, and that not getting it had been a bummer, and said more than once that it would mean a lot to me. so he said he would.
and i explained the text and call to him. how worried i was, and that i'd been having panic attacks for about two weeks now, waking up having them. and that he got lumped into what i was worried about on thursday. and that when i texted him and he didn't get back to me, that i worried more. and that, when i called him, and he didn't answer, it was worse still.
and he apologized for that, too. he said he knows that feeling, and that he was sorry that he'd been in the middle of the car deal when i called. and that he wanted to take my call, but couldn't. and that he got stuck there later than he thought he would be, and didn't call me after that.
and i said, 'you know, that was the first time i'd ever called you.'
and he said he realized that, when his phone rang, and he didn't answer. that he wanted to, but felt like he couldn't. and he said that he didn't like that i don't ever call him. that i should call him, because it makes him feel a little weird that he is always the one calling me.
so i said that i'd call him, but that i'm always afraid i'm going to interrupt something.
i don't know. most of me felt better about it, after he explained not taking the call. and he apologized so many times, saying he understood the worrying, that he gets like that sometimes, and that he didn't mean to make it worse.
and i think that was the point, after a lot of apologizing on his part, that i said, 'you don't owe me anything, greg. it's not for you to be sorry about. you don't have to apologize.'
he spent a lot of time after the heavier bits of the conversation, explaining about work, and how he doesn't know what he's doing most of the time, that he just keeps going where he is supposed to be, without knowing how long he's going to be there. and that he doesn't want to tell me the wrong thing, so he doesn't make plans. that he wants to see me, but that things are just super crazy for him right now.
and all i can say to that is, 'i know. you were very upfront about it before i ever even met you. but it's still really hard. i only got to see you once in june, and it was made worse by the fact that everything else in my life was sucking for the entire month, too.'
and we talked about that a little, he said he gets like that sometimes, too.
i knew all of this already. hearing him tell me again somehow reassured me a little.
and from there, i said that if the one time i'd seen him had been awesome, that it would help to have that as my go-to. but that, because it wasn't good, thinking about that after weeks of not seeing him was rough.
and he said he understood that, too. and i think that was when he started making plans with me. he said that he's going back out of town on tuesday, that he's actually leaving monday night to go back to the hotel, because he has to be there at 8 on tuesday.
and i asked him if he knew when he was coming back from the beach. he didn't. and i said that, if he ended up coming back early, would he call me. and he said he would, but that he didn't think he'd be back in time to hang out this weekend. and worst case scenario, would hang out with me as soon as he got back from his business trip the end of this week.
and also said that things should start to be better for him soon, as far as having more time. that next weekend, he only has a phils game, would i have time over the weekend. funny thing is, i have three weeks of vacation, two of which are in florida. i'm guessing that's when he would make time for me.
it sucks to say to him, 'yeah. i always have time. i have nothing going on until nina gets here.'
i know that most of this problem is my own. if i had money and so many things to keep me busy, he wouldn't feel so absent. i'd be as busy as him, trying to squeeze him into my schedule.
just like i knew that this was coming. i guess the part of the conversation that i didn't have with him is that i like hearing things he says, or better yet, reading things he writes, that make me feel like he wants me when he is away.
after an hour of talking, first about his stuff, then about my issues with him, and then switching back to normal talk, the back and forth of tangents, i told him i was going to go. and said, 'will you give me a call in the next couple days if you find some time?'
and he actually got really weird about it. upset, almost. he said, 'hey. don't say it like that, it's not like that.'
and i said i didn't mean anything by it, but that i would like to hear from him if he has time.
and then said, 'now things are all weird. i don't want to hang up with things all weird with you. it won't help how i'm feeling. bring it back, greg. fix it.'
and so we talked for a minute about other stuff, i guess. and then another whole hour had passed, talking. and when i was hanging up for the second time, when aubree got back from taking the girls home, he said,
'i really like you, tea. i'm sorry that things are so crazy right now. i want to see you. i'll see you soon, okay?'
and i said that i like him, too. and that is what makes this so hard.
i told him in that second hour that i feel like we're one good hangout from being back to how things were, where all the time i can't see him feels worth it to have the time with him. and he agreed.
i don't know. i was able to sleep. we spent plenty of time talking about things and making each other laugh. and so i was less worried about everything when i got off the phone with him, even though we didn't talk about some of the things i know i need to talk about with him. i just want to do it in person.
and knowing that it will be a total of three weeks before i get to, from the last time i saw him, somehow feels less sad today.
i think this week will be different. i think that if i start to trip out, i'll call him or text him and ask for conversation. and that, if i can't get it, or he doesn't respond the way i need him to, that i'll have my answer, i guess.
i want him to be sensitive to it and aware of it, and i want to see if he makes himself a little more available to me. if he can spend a little time, while watching tv or whatever it is that he does in his hotel room, writing to me and making me feel like he is still interested with his actions.
i did also mention at some point that i just psyched myself out, and, combined with the hormones from nuvaring, that it was too hard to not hear from him, not get anything from him. and that i don't want to psych myself out. and he apologized about that, too. saying he knew what i was talking about. and commented that the hormones were fucking with me, too.
i hope it feels better. and i hope that when thursday or friday rolls around, that he didn't forget me. that he didn't forget telling me i'd see him.
i hope he does make some time for me.
and i hope that i can come down off of the hormones in the next month, and have some good times with him. whether it's on the phone, or at least a little more often than last month. and honestly, part of me doesn't want to have to settle for casually dating him, but part of me hopes that i can recover some of that confidence i had before, where i knew he wanted me. where he fed me enough to keep me plugged in an happy, even though he wasn't making time for me then, either.
some of the good feelings came back last night, which i needed. i hadn't had any of those for him in over a week. those are the times when it feels not worth it to me. when i can't think a happy thought about him, can't remember a good time with him. and lose faith that we'll ever make more to get me through the times when he's away.
this is what it will be to try to be with him. and it won't be until late fall that he has so much extra time that he can write me and see me as much as i want him to. well, i tell myself that.
i know that, until i go home, he'll be out of town the majority of the time. and i'm just going to have to get over it.
and hope that the hormones i'm not putting into my body allow me to be okay with it. that i can figure out how to balance everything, and not get freaked out and cry for hours and days every week.
and i know that i said some difficult things to him, that i did it on the phone even though i didn't want to have to. so i hope that i can keep doing that, if things don't change. that i can stand my ground with him, so i don't lose ground. so i don't lose him. and myself in the process.
it's another day poolside for aubree and i. it's a little overcast, kindof humid, a little breezy. and with nothing to do but lay in the sun and kill a holiday weekend, i hope we can both enjoy ourselves enough to not be sad about the long weekend come tuesday when the work week starts back up again.
here's to independence...