you know, i am trying.
actively trying not to cry, and failing miserably.
today? i cried on my way to delaware, at the office, and leaving the office. and then kenna texted me and then called, because she was worried about me. and i answered the phone bawling.
i couldn't even talk i was driving and crying so hard. it was not safe. i got to the airport and didn't even remember any of the drive. but i was going slow, in the crawl of i-left-the-office-too-late traffic.
i had one tiny good thing, which i was very nervous about, to look forward to this week. and it got dashed by a sick day. and it was more than i could bear.
asshole tenant woke me up at 7 this morning, 45 whole minutes before my alarm, by telling me that he didn't care whose cock he has to suck, he'll get me my money today.
WHO THE FUCK SAYS THAT?
i think i'm at day twelve of 'i'll pay rent tomorrow'. so far he has offered to pay two months at once, gone to cash in his trust, waited for the bank to handle his trust cash (because you can't just 'pick up 35k'), and borrowed from friends. and somehow? no money for me.
i loathe being lied to.
* * *
about as much as i hate feeling like a sucker. and i have felt stupid for the last two weeks.
i have felt strung along in a lot of ways. and i can't put myself through it.
or let other people put me through it.
why can't people just say what they intend? why can't someone's words have meaning? why can't i bank on what i'm being told?
i am repeatedly disappointed. and i have so much that is wrong with my life right now that nothing feels good at all. even what should be good is a source of stress and anxiety and worry and sadness.
i want to get into bed. and not come out for a week. see if things are any better when i emerge. i have spent more time in bed this past week than i am okay with. i have spent so much time actually crying, not just feeling like crying, that i am having to rethink the hormone ring. is that what is putting me over the edge on a daily basis? when real life problems put me on the cliff, is the ring what makes me feel like jumping off of it?
and fucking WHY go through it at all? i have not yet seen the benefit of the fucking thing, and it's been two weeks of having headaches and feeling like a wreck. for what?
maybe this weekend will change things for me. maybe i'll get what i need. maybe i'll hear some magical words, and maybe there will finally be an envelope of money under my door.
maybe the utilities will consider me separate from ever, and not come after me for the money. maybe i can get my personal finances back on track.
maybe i'll fucking cheat, and get the home equity line of credit. maybe i'll feel like i can breathe again.
because right now? right now i keep realizing in hindsight that i've been holding my breath. in so many aspects of my life. only to realize that it's a stupid thing to do.
no more holding of my breath. i'm having a hard enough time functioning without depriving my brain of oxygen.
what's funny is, this is SUMMER. this isn't winter. winter is when you're supposed to feel like this. when i did feel like this last. and how stupid is it to feel like this when it's not seasonally appropriate?
i'm going to get out of bed. and shower. and help lauren move into storage. and then not hold my breath, and see what happens to the rest of my day.
and even though i don't want to get my hopes up, we'll see if something so wonderful happens that i feel foolish for doubting any of it over the last two weeks.
i have to re-train myself yet again, if that's not the case. because i will not put myself through this. i have come too far. and worked too goddamn hard to lose the ground i've gained over the last year plus.
i'm already trying to re-train myself. i have been for a few days now. but yesterday was a litmus test that proved i've gotten nowhere to this point, in that aspect.
i really hope the pile of failures doesn't grow by one. i have had my fill of disappointment this week. and i refuse to continue on this way.
if i can just figure out how to get out of this hole, i'll be happier on the other side of it. i want the happy tea of one month ago. carefree, confident, lovesick tea. on top of the world tea. cloud ten tea. that problems seemed to roll right off of. tea who struggled with 'how do i deserve this amazingness in my life?'
because mopey tearsoaked tea is more than even i can handle. i've been searching for optimism actively. and trying to tease myself with tiny rewards. only to have them disappear repeatedly.
i will be okay. everything will be okay. i will give myself another week of feeling shitty, and trying to think positive. and shrink will help me on tuesday. i know she will. four days until i get another dose of help.
just... keep... going...