panic room. june 23rd.

again this morning, i woke up in the middle of a panic attack. i was having a weird dream, but not a bad one, but my mind started racing. and i couldn't slow my heart down. so i did what i did day before yesterday: sat up, popped an ativan, laid back down with a pillow over my head and tried to fall back asleep.

it didn't work. i did calm down, but i was awake, and not going back to sleep. too many thoughts. i didn't write anything down last night, because i wasn't worried before going to sleep. i was kinda daydreamy. but this morning more than made up for that lack.

i wrote down a lot. and told myself not to worry. it was my delaware day, so it was supposed be fun and easy. and i got paid from work this week, so i could actually buy everything i want/need. but the way i woke up scared me, and i didn't feel 'normal' until i was halfway to the office.

maybe i should back up, to yesterday. i was having a decent day. i woke up feeling pretty gross. but i went to suck store, and it didn't suck! it was busy. well, busier than it's been in a year. i had handled a couple things, and was starting to feel better about my life in general. and then, around lunch, i got a cute text that made me laugh. and by the time i left with $40 in tips in my pocket (SUPER awesome), i was smiling.

while i was on a roll, i thought that i would tackle the gas company.

i also had two days of not crying under my belt. i walked into that office a little nervous, but also a little full of myself. i'd been told to bring proof that i wasn't in the house when ever racked up the bills last winter. i'd had my apartment, so i knew i was cool, because the house was in his name, and my apartment was in mine, and i always paid my bills on time. the lease was what they needed - it proved i wasn't responsible for the house.

so i walked in, and the lady said to come back with a copy of my lease, and the deed and anything else that would prove i wasn't there. and i went home, went straight to the box it was stored in, and had everything in my hands inside of three minutes. and i said aloud, 'damn, i'm good.'

and with a big, stupid smile walked back into the gas company. a little swagger, even. i was about to stick it to ever. big time. and get out of one of the problems that had been scaring me for a while, and getting something un-fun over with.

and i sat down and pushed my paperwork across the desk, and waited for everything to be fixed.

and ran into a problem.

she started looking through everything, and said that everything i needed was there. but as she went to change the account over into my name, backdated to march (when i moved in), she got her supervisor. and explained to him, in front of me, that the bill was on my experian credit file.

i got pissed at first. 'i don't understand. it was in HIS name. mine was in MY name. why is HIS account on MY credit report?'

and she told me flatly that, because WE were married, and because WE owned the house, WE were responsible for the bill. because we includes me, and he is now gone, i am now the responsible party. because it's linked to the house, which i now solely own, they said that there is nothing i can do, threw around the word 'lien' for a while.

and i lost it. total cryfest. i kept saying 'i don't understand' and 'i can't believe this'. asking through tears, 'why even have something in your name if it doesn't matter? this makes no sense! i have a court order that says that he personally is responsible. how can you come after me?'

and they didn't really have answers, so the girl and her supervisor got on the phone with his supervisor. saying that i had all the proof that i wasn't there and didn't rack up the bills. and that experian is linked to me. after about ten minutes on the phone and a lot of 'uh-huh's, he hung up and said, 'okay. go ahead and open a new account in her name. backdate it to march.'

and i should feel relief, but when he walked away, she said that she made extra copies of the paperwork i brought with me. because when it goes up another level, sometimes paperwork gets lost, and decisions get challenged.

ever's total: $1100.

just for the gas bill.

when i sat there, holding my hair, pulling at my hair, pressing on my forehead (and crying, of course), i was having visions of going back to court. of having to see him again. of having to call my lawyer, and shelling out another $1000 on top of all the rest of the money. and after those thoughts got pushed to the back burner, i wondered how many more people are going to come after me and the house.

because he did this with everyone. i did call the electric company, and that wasn't linked to me, so i'm okay there.

i don't know. i left there feeling really scared. and after walking in feeling so happy, i didn't even make it to the car before lighting a cigarette and taking long drags. i thanked the people who helped me. and now i keep my fingers crossed and hope that they don't come back after me. because i know he will never pay. if he didn't pay with $7000 in his hands, why would he pay now?

last night, in talking to mom, she mentioned that hospitals will do the same thing. which is HORRIFYING. because i know he was in the hospital at least three times without insurance. so if that somehow gets linked to me, i am royally fucked.

and mom also said that it only poses a problem if i am trying to sell the house. but still...

this whole thing is just crazy. and it's all because i didn't get a bill in the mail. so i called. and they said i should come down to their office. had i not called? this would have all been done already.

i went home, walked straight to the fridge, and grabbed a beer. sat down in front of the tv with aubree and watched three or four episodes of dexter together. i'd been craving chinese food for a couple weeks, since i had been broke, actually. so that night (wednesday), we had chinese. and it was awesome.

while we were watching tv, mike came home, so the three of us were joking around and hanging out together. and shaun came in the front door. all of us have been talking about him and what to do and what approach to take for the past couple weeks since he's spewed all the bullshit in my general direction. so when he walked in after ignoring my texts and not saying a word to me on his way in and out of my house, we all just watched the tv instead of looking at him. and out of the corners of all of our eyes, we saw him wave halfheartedly.

and when he changed and walked back out a little later, he kept his head straight, and went out quickly.

and we all made faces in the direction of the front door. and i had them help me decide how to word the text that i'd send the next day. 'if i don't have money from you by 6pm on saturday, make sure your room is clean, because i'm showing it on sunday.'

so i'm probably out my $700 fucking dollars there, but i kinda can't wait to kick him out.

it's funny - he's rarely home. so if i was him, i'd probably be bent about paying a third of the bills. but that's not really my problem. but the thing is, his room is a mess. he makes big meals and doesn't clean up after himself. we all take turns cleaning the house top to bottom, including toilet scrubbing. and we all do the dishes collectively, too. and i usually collect the trash from everywhere and take it all out. but he has never once offered to help with anything. has never unloaded the dishwasher, touched a cleaning product. and sometimes we do an experiment where we clean the entire kitchen, except for his pots and pans and plates with food on them. and they will sit until we give up a week later.

he's just a fucking tool. and during the process of interacting with him about the rent, i'm realizing he is really really fucking DUMB. his texts read something like 'whatevr you decidedded. is fair.' and 'i should have communicateded bettter.' and 'i get paid wedensday.'

seriously? retarded. with his ipad in hand, telling me that his phone texting isn't working, while accidentally sending texts to me that were intended for other people.

so, yeah. it will be good when he is gone. i just hope i get money from him before he leaves, or else i'm headed to small claims court. UNREAL.

the downward spiral of ever is evident in his choice of tenants. he chose mike, who is awesome, right when i left. and chose shaun right before i moved back in. let him live there for a month rent-free. guess shaun feels like funkhauser is his own personal flophouse? a nice non-profit.

at least being a firm landlord after being nice for 24 days will fix the problem. maybe he'll leave some stuff behind i can sell off or something. what a fucking idiot. this of course means i'll have to change the locks. again. i think i got one of those smart key locks. let's hope i thought ahead and did that, so i'm not out another $50 for a new front door lock set.

my day at suck store (that didn't suck) was made a little more interesting, thanks to some text interaction with quinn.

i think i might finally have something that i can bust her for, and hopefully HOPEFULLY fire her for. not that i want to do her job for the foreseeable future, but it would be better than having her around. i will make it work...

and i will have plenty of help. eager to contribute to a quinn-free workplace.

she basically was fighting my decision to work at her store. after the email where i bitched her out about challenging me and second guessing kenna, she did that. three separate times. and it raised a red flag to me, while i tried to figure out how to trap her by appearing to be helpful.

in any case, it was very suspicious, and she wouldn't tell me why it was that she doesn't want me there next week. and because i'm spiteful, not only am i going on tuesday as i said i was, i'm also going on monday. unannounced. to see what the shit is going on.

here's to hoping it's SOMETHING going on, not nothing going on. i just need a little ammo. it will all be over soon. i hope.

i guess that situation stressed me out a little, but at the same time, i keep hoping that the end is near. that i'll either piss her off enough to make her quit, or that i'll have grounds to fire her.

and then yesterday happened.

i got home from the office after picking aubree up. it was actually a great day, because i took care of a few things that have been hanging over my head. mostly work related. and the beauty of that is, even though it's not really stuff you can noticeably tell i've done, i feel better. i'm crossing things off the worry list, a few at a time. in my home, at work, and mentally.

plus, driving back with a trunkful of beer and cigarettes, and a tankful of gas, and a pocket with three lottery tickets made me feel like i can breathe again.

got home, had a beer and finished up dexter season 1 with aubree. i'm stalled out at season 3, unable to get it on netflix streaming. i'll catch her up to me, and then go from there.

which reminds me. there's another mystery...

i am not getting mail at the house.

the only thing that is showing up is my national geographic magazine.

i don't know what the fuck is going on. but my netflix? nope. gas bill? nope. electric bill? no. water bill? nah. car bill? nope. either credit card bill? scary as fuck. but no...

not a thing. and i don't know what to do about it! if someone decided to forward my mail somewhere else, how would i find that out?? it was on my list for the trip to the gas company, but after that snag, there wasn't time.

last night, i dragged aubree to the dave bazan show. it was pretty good. the funny thing is that i expected him to be quiet. the first time (and last time) i saw him was back in college, with the sun. he played with ida, and it was the first time i'd ever been to a show that was silent. the crowd was completely glued and it blew my mind a bit.

last night, the band who opened for him was a guy from bon iver. and they were exactly like that. everyone was quiet - it was even commented on, 'you guys are awesome. thanks for being so respectful.'

and though they were very sad, quiet, and beautiful, there were a few songs that picked up a little, and i really really liked them.

so imagine my surprise when dave bazan started playing very loud straightforward rock. it was crazy. and he had taken a few of his very slow sad old pedro the lion songs and refitted them to his band. and they were barely recognizable.

he was good, he's entertaining, and his voice gets me. and he was funny. he kept asking if we had any questions, every time he tuned his guitar. and had some pretty funny answers.

i'm glad i went. i'm glad aubree went. we got home just after midnight, both of us were hungry and sad that the pretzel factory wasn't open. eating late spelled certain disaster for me. i knew i'd be awake for a while after i ate. i was super awake from the show as it was. and what i didn't know when i bought the tickets a couple months back was that i would have to wake up at 545 in the morning.

i know i was up at 1, with the lights out and the universe on.

and i wasn't worrying about anything, which was both new and different. but my heart was racing. and it wouldn't stop. and i couldn't stop thinking about good intentions, and things that get said. and things that don't end up happening. and i couldn't fall asleep. my thoughts were so loud that i couldn't even hear the episode. i had no idea what was going on. but my head wouldn't stop.

so after about 15 minutes of trying to sleep through loud thoughts, i gave up, turned on the lamp, and wrote them all out. even though they weren't worries, really, they went in the book, because they were the racing thoughts keeping me on the awake side of sleep.

and i wrote them out. and gave it a second. like a man at a urinal. another little dribble. wait. shake. dribble. done. flush.

and i turned out the light, and rolled over onto my side in the dark, and fell asleep crying.

i'm slowly trying to regain control over what i can in my life. and as for the rest of it? i'm just giving up on that for now. i'm repeatedly disappointed, and i can't go through it anymore.

i know that shit happens. i get that things come up. but consistent preferences and choices that make me feel fucking dumb? i just can't do it. maybe this is another mood swing. and maybe i'll change my mind tomorrow. fuck. maybe today. all i know is that last night? last night i was too sad for my own good. after a decent day. and an otherwise good night.

my passive aggressive side came out on paper. because i wrote, 'say it to my face'. and vowed to not be available otherwise. i doubt i'll be strong enough for that. i can't imagine ignoring any form of communication. but that is what i'm feeling sensitive about. so i think i should. i don't know if i can. but i at least have to try.

it's going to be quiet. i'll continue to be sad about it. mourning some imaginary loss that i'm already feeling foolish about...

i have to switch to paper journal. i have too much to say about it, and this is just not the place.

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