i wish i could say, 'ALL BETTER, FRIENDS! the spectacle is over.'
but i can't.
i do feel a little bit better today, but i say that with tears stinging my eyes.
reading back through the past weeks of posts, to see where the fuck shit went so goddamn wrong. how quickly i fell from being so smittenly happy, feeling like life couldn't get any better, to feeling like i can't get out of bed.
it was a fast fall. and a hard one. and i'm trying to understand it first, so i can climb up to some point that is in the middle.
reading 'tearsoaked tea' made me cry. it's true. at least today, i made it through a day of work without crying, and made it home after talking to kenna again, too. i'll take it. it feels kinda like a win.
getting a paycheck today is probably what helped. even though i am really overdrawn, if i paid what i have to pay, i handled the important shit, and have to let the mortgage ride a little longer.
it won't be the end of the world if i pay it on the 5th instead of the 1st. if i don't get that rent money, that is what is going to have to happen.
and really? realizing that vacation with nina is 20 and a half days away helped so much, too. i know i have to pull myself together before she gets here. and despite my overwhelming sadness lately, i've been listening to the mixes i made for her on repeat for almost a week now. because they make me happy, and make me think about how much fun we're going to have when we combine forces on phila again.
to have time away from work will be fantastic. by that time, i'll have sucked it up and worked shifts with my arch nemesis, and hopefully worked enough hours to feel like i deserve the break.
the house has been overwhelming me, too. which is no surprise. i'm super aware of how insignificant things fuck with me when i'm depressed. and everything gets lumped in to make me freeze up and not handle any of it.
the gaping hole in the back of my house was seriously one of the most retarded things i've ever done. i let contractor get me stoned, and it seemed like such a great idea at the time. because it was a beautiful day, and all i want is roof access for this summer.
you'd think i'd have figured out the cost associated with it BEFORE ripping the window out and the shitty aluminum siding down. when we sat down the next day and put a $2000 price tag on it, i was pretty upset about it.
and in the months since we've done any work on the house, i have kicked myself several times daily for making that decision. because we could have done so many small things to make the house sellable instead. and didn't. because right then? i never wanted to sell the house. i was super content to be here, living in it.
and now i'm thinking about selling it because of the stress it's causing. i know how stupid that would be. especially in light of the fact that i'd just break even, after paying my parents back and paying off all the debt i have racked up.
but this is what i do. i give up before i even put up a fight.
i'm trying to talk myself out of it. i know better. i just hate feeling stressed and stuck, and a house will do that to you faster than much of anything else.
because i have a little money, even though i really can't justify spending a penny of it, i want chinese food. i don't know why. i'm not hungry. i just want to get it. because i can.
i ate ramen yesterday. before kim and pam did one of the sweetest things they have ever done for me.
they brought the hood to my hood.
they thought of everything. kfc, including biscuits and mashed potatoes and potato wedges (favorite things!), two buckets of chicken. pam made a huge jug of red koolaid (not to be confused with 'cherry' or 'punch'. just RED). she brought not one, but TWO, forties of old english (hol-y shit), and then made this crazy conglomeration of a dessert: choke sandwiches (peanut butter with just a tiny little layer of jelly) on a bed of twist and shouts (fake generic double stuf oreos),
those girls have seen firsthand what the past two weeks has done to me. they saw me smile for the first time on friday morning in a long time, before my plans got canceled, which led to that day-long cryfest.
and this week was just too rough for them to not step in.
so they came over yesterday, forcing me to get out of bed, and making me laugh for hours. bringing all this food over, to play wii with me and aubree. we had stupid amounts of fun.
and at one point, kit called, and i told her enough to get the story out, but not enough to cry. so i was proud of myself for holding it together. because when he left, i shut the door behind him, locked it, and burst into tears.
and then, i was walking upstairs to talk to all of them after a cigarette, and nina asked me a question on yahoo on my phone, and i wrote the answer and started crying, laying down on aubree's bed, hiding my face. and they started yelling at me, 'there's no crying in baseball' and 'you can cry when we leave'. and aubree said that she is the only person who gets to cry on her bed. so we went back downstairs and i pulled myself together and we played some wii bowling and some weird ass dancing game. we looked pretty ridiculous.
and then i had too much old e. and then the happiness wore off and i was tired and super sad again. and went to bed before i cried again.
and that is when it hit me. the last two days and nights, including the time i spent with greg, felt like a BAD TRIP. for three days now, i can't find music i want to listen to. that is the worst thing for me. not being able to feed a mood with music that either helps me wallow or gets me out of it.
i turned music off last night, after trying four different things that were making me feel sick to my stomach. put on 'flight of the conchords'. to have something other than the ceiling fan to stare at. something other than music to hear.
and then it hit me.
i popped one. spent another twenty minutes coming out of my skin, super uncomfortable.
and then? sleep. all night. through until the morning.
why didn't i think of it sooner??
if only i'd thought of it on saturday when neither of us could sleep. his and hers. how romantic. hindsight. now i know.
i don't know what is changing. maybe it's that the intensity of the hormones being dispersed in my body are toning down a little? maybe i feel the slightest relief that is finally allowing me to daydream.
i don't know what it is. but for the first night in a week, i'm not in crisis mode.
maybe in another week, i'll be happy again?
i hope so. i've never understood the not-getting-out-of-bed thing. and i've been lucky to avoid it, for the most part, in my life.
the only way i wanna be stuck in bed for a day is in the good way. i really hope that happens again for me. soon. i could use a reminder... and the pile of mental flashes to get through the next hurdles i have to jump in every other aspect of my life...