plan of attack. november 2nd.

maybe not literally, but...


to catch up.

yesterday was kenna's first day in town.

i went to work early, and then picked her up from the airport. we spent a lot of time talking about my personal life, not as much talking business.

she wanted to know how i am doing, what i'm doing, etc.

and i shocked the shit out of her when i said that i am probably moving to florida this summer.

i was afraid to bring it up, because i don't want her to worry about her business, and i can't help but feel like she'd be threatened by my leaving.

but we talked about it, and i think that as long as we have a plan in place, it will be okay. she wants whoever takes over for me to shadow me for at least two months.

this entire conversation took place yesterday, and after getting into receipts and things, i felt a lot better about the job i'm doing than i have been.

i've been fixing things, and making the stores operate more streamlined than they have been, so i guess i'm realizing that i'm doing a decent job.


today, we started off the day at suck store. i walked in, and cat told me that they opened the coffee kiosk. because the cafeteria hasn't stolen enough business from us already. we walked with landlord to look at the setup and listened to him talk about how many people come through there and how they saw it as a way to capture more business.

kenna asked a few questions, and asked if i had any. i just asked what changed between us asking permission to have a satellite location, and them not granting us permission, to them having the space.

he said something about us declining a space close to it, and that we only wanted the lobby.

we agreed on the way back to the store from there that he is a dick, and that it was wrong for them to do it, when we're already struggling there.

so we went back to the store. looking around, talking, and brainstorming ways to fix the business there and make it better.

then went to the store i work every day. and i was pleasantly surprised that she wasn't thrown off by things that we're doing there. she was complimentary. it felt good.

and then to the drama store, which was super clean and ready for her visit, and she had few things to fix there as well.

while we were there, we found out we had a meeting at suck store with the douchebag landlord guy, and his boss.

so we went back to suck store to meet with them.


seriously? it was the craziest meeting i've ever been a part of.


before they showed up, she asked what i wanted to hear.

and i said, 'honestly, i just want them to be honest. and if they want us out, which is how it feels, i wish they'd just say they want us to go.'

and they came in and sat down, and landlord's boss did all the talking.

and he said, 'it's fortuitous that you are in town. we want you to leave.'


hold on. wait. WHAAAAAAT?


i looked at him with complete shock. and she did, too.

he went on to say that they want us to move out, because they want our space for other things, and that it is not a reflection on who we are or what we do, who works there, or anything like that.

i stared at the wall, shaking angry. these greedy fucks are kicking us out? are you serious?

she wanted to talk it out, and put in her two cents, but i was ready to walk out after he said it. there's no point talking after that.

all i said was, 'it would have been nice to find this out before we lost a ton of money and killed ourselves moving this summer.'


the guy tony was the biggest dick.

he just put it so bluntly.

'you guys are in breach of contract. either you take the second space, or you leave. we both know that you'll lose money if you reopen that space and ride out the two years of your contract. so we want you to leave. and if you stay, we'll continue to sell all the same products you sell.'

it was so unbelievable. i had already told her before coming here that there was a rumor about the kiosk. and that she needed to see what was in our contract for no compete, and she told me that the default is to not pay rent and leave.

so i knew, i guess.

i felt it.

and i called it.


i'm impressed that she didn't cry. she's had that store since 1993. i've wanted to close it and use the setup where our other awesome stores are for two years now. since they put our contract on the chopping block.

in any case, she said that the doctors are going to flip, that we've been there forever.

they just don't care.

greedy fucks.


so it was shocking. we didn't really recover from it when we went our separate ways home at 4.

we have two meetings tomorrow, and the bright side of all this is that we can do what i've been wanting to do for two years, and move that setup into a space we already have permission to fill.

luckily this happened today before that meeting tomorrow. because now we can make that top priority.


it's scary to me. because i just went from running a company of three stores, down to two.

so i feel like my job was threatened for a minute.

but now i just have to turn this into a more lucrative thing, and redeem myself, and then maybe ask for a raise. because it's been a year.


crazy day.


so i came home, kindof dazed still. i just can't get over him telling us to leave, and basically threatening us with making it even harder on us if we stay.


and i ate some food.

and did what kit told me to do.


we talked last night, at the bar, over a beer. and she said i have to ask sam about the boy from friday.

because we had an entire discussion about making out with younger guys/crushing on younger guys, and that, if i'm afraid of peeing in the pool, then i need to also make sure that sam isn't interested in this dude.

she said a week is too long to wait to ask, just to go there (tonight) and ask her if she's interested in him.


so i was super nervous. but i went over. and as i was smoking before going inside, i got a couple texts from the writer about the book i sent him. i sent it to be borrowed, but i think he thinks it was a gift, so i guess i'll just get another copy at strand. he was talking about sending a book to me in exchange.

in any case, i went in. got a beer.

sat all awkward at the bar alone. again. only this time, there was no cute boy on my right having a ton of fun with me.

and she went for a smoke, so i said i'd join her, thinking this was my time to ask. and this guy who she knows followed us out.

so i couldn't do it.

and there i was, again, beating myself up. but i didn't want to ask in front of him.

so i went back in and finished my beer. and when she brought me my change, i did it.


i said, 'so that guy i was talking to on friday, tim?'

and she remembered.

'is he on your short list of boys?'

she was confused.

'we were talking about crushing on 24 year old dudes to make out with.'

and she laughed, and said she never hooked up with him.

and i said, 'oh, i just meant...yeah. i wanted to make sure you weren't interested.'

and she said she knows him through this guy and that he is a good kid.

that she had drinks with him once and went to a game with him.

which he had told me.

i told her that i had a lot of fun with him, that i liked him, and was he a nice guy.

she said he is a good guy, and that the guy he lives with is moving out of their place, and that she didn't know if he was staying or not. but that she would find out. and laughed again.

so i said goodnight. and left.


and was proud of myself.


i did it. and it went as well as possible.

and now, she will work a little bit of magic.

and i have a sneaking suspicion that she will mention my asking about him when he goes back.


also, i would like to add that hot bartender was there.

and i ignored him. didn't even smile at him.

and because of where i was sitting, on the end again, i saw him look at me a few times out of the corner of my eye, while watching arrested development without sound, and laughing, because i knew the episode.

do boys pay attention to you more when you ignore them? what is that about?

maybe i'm hypersensitive to my clark kent fake boyfriend. but i couldn't make myself look at him, and i almost felt like he was waiting for me to.

it must have been all those nights spent staring at him lustfully while he worked.

just like i sensed him looking at me tonight, he surely knows i just stare when i think i can get away with it.


something else:

when i came in from the cigarette with her, there were two quarters by my beer that weren't there when i walked outside.

i always put my coaster over my beer, and that was untouched. but two mystery quarters were there.

i asked two of my bartender friends if they knew what that was about. no one knew. so i gave them to sam.


i don't know.

i just felt so pathetic at the bar alone.

the only thing that made me feel better was sending the writer a text that said i'd have a beer at the bar alone in his honor, and his response that he was doing the same.


i wish he was closer. i think we'd be fast, lonely, drinking friends.


so now, i sit back, and with a completely clear conscience, hope that i run into that boy tim again. and that sam will tip me off if he shows up and asks about me.

rtw 113. 10/31/10

again & again & again.


i'm never going to learn my lesson.

no matter how much i think i will.

i'm never going to learn my lesson.

no one seems to be able to help me with this.

i'm never going to learn my lesson.

i'll always drink too fast.

i'm never going to learn my lesson.

even when my shrink holds my hand.

i'm never going to learn my lesson.

even though i want to more than anything.

i'm never going to learn my lesson.

friday was the perfect example of that.

i'm never going to learn my lesson.

i'll always rush into things with my heart.

i'm never going to learn my lesson.

because i don't think before i speak.

i'm never going to learn my lesson.

i'll make the same shitty decisions every time.

i'm never going to learn my lesson.

even when i try.

i'm never going to learn my lesson.

i'll always depend on others to make me happy.

i'm never going to learn my lesson.

i'll never be truly comfortable alone in social situations.

i'm never going to learn my lesson.

i'll stay home instead, where i'm happy being alone.

i'm never going to learn my lesson.

i'll probably make a bad decision when it comes to choosing the person i want to be with.

i'm never going to learn my lesson.

i'll probably never be debt free.

i'm never going to learn my lesson.

i'll always shop when i don't have money to spend. to try to make myself feel better.

i'm never going to learn my lesson.

i'll make hasty decisions without thinking of the big picture.

i'm never going to learn my lesson.

having food around that isn't good for me will always be eaten.

i'm never going to learn my lesson.

there will always be crumbs in my sheets.

i'm never going to learn my lesson.

i'll always choose the less expensive thing, even when quality is at stake.

i'm never going to learn my lesson.

i'll always think there's going to be a next time.

i'm never going to learn my lesson.

i'll always opt to keep my mouth shut when i should just say what i want.

i'm never going to learn my lesson.

i'll always take the passive approach.

i'm never going to learn my lesson.

i'll procrastinate until the day i die. luckily, i work well under pressure.

25 i'm never going to learn my lesson.

i might never be truly happy, the majority of the time.

i'm never going to learn my lesson.

i'll probably never brush my teeth at night.

i'm never going to learn my lesson.

but i'm getting better at flossing.

i'm never going to learn my lesson.

unless ever tries to teach me.

i'm never going to learn my lesson.

crash dieting will always work drastically, and temporarily. carb addict.

i'm never going to learn my lesson.

i need a job that changes, not one that stays the same.

i'm never going to learn my lesson.

i need a passport.

32 i'm never going to learn my lesson.

i'll always be online.

i'm never going to learn my lesson.

i'll probably always stalk from afar instead of just asking.

i'm never going to learn my lesson.

i'll drink coffee until it doesn't taste good, and will be up all night.

i'm never going to learn my lesson.

i'll always go to sleep just to dream.

i'm never going to learn my lesson.

i'll always depend on my parents to get me out of bad situations.

i'm never going to learn my lesson.

i'll bottle up my feelings, sometimes without knowing i am, and then snap.

i'm never going to learn my lesson.

i'm getting tired of doing this. am i at 50 yet?

i'm never going to learn my lesson.

i'll have great ideas, and not execute them.

i'm never going to learn my lesson.

i like to start and never finish.

40 i'm never going to learn my lesson.

and look where it got me.

i'm never going to learn my lesson.

i'll always choose the broken ones.

i'm never going to learn my lesson.

i don't stand up for myself.

i'm never going to learn my lesson.

i'll undervalue my worth.

i'm never going to learn my lesson.

i'll always forget.

i'm never going to learn my lesson.

i'll always wait for the perfect time. and that time never comes.

46 i'm never going to learn my lesson.

because of that, i'll probably always miss out.

i'm never going to learn my lesson.

boys are dumb.

i'm never going to learn my lesson.

i'll always get my hopes up.

i'm never going to learn my lesson.

even when i don't want to.

i'm never going to learn my lesson.

i'll always bite off more than i can chew.



surprised: how many always and nevers there are. no middle ground. and it's pretty harsh and negative. especially the phrase i thought of to repeat.

dangerous: drink too fast, rush into things with my heart, always depend on others to make me happy, bottle up feelings and snap,

charged: opt to keep my mouth shut when i should just say what i want, might never be truly happy, the majority of the time, have great ideas, and not execute them, and look where it got me, i'll probably always miss out, always get my hopes up

rtw 12 . 10/31/10

seeing myself through someone else's eyes.


most of the time she's not alone. but when she is, she looks like she's worried about something. she fidgets, and smokes a lot, and drinks fast. like she hasn't had a drop to drink in days.

when she's not alone, she laughs a lot. and smiles a lot.

but underneath, she just looks sad.


she never leaves the house without makeup on. not a lot. but she hides her skin.

she wears brightly colored shoes, more often than not. she works hard, but always has fun.

i've seen her break out into dance more than once. she seems like she has a lot of energy.

she's always walking quickly from place to place. she never moves slow, unless she is drinking.


sometimes, when she's alone, she's scribbling furiously in a spiral bound notebook with a sticker on the cover. she writes small and neat and in alternating colors, to differentiate the entries.

when she's on her stoop alone, she is usually with a beer, and always smoking. sometimes with a book, and sometimes with a laptop, typing furiously.


she is always writing something down.

what is she trying to remember? what is she working on?

sometimes she has a far-off gaze. like she's daydreaming, or wishing she could be somewhere else.

her furrowed brow makes me think that she's worrying all the time. even when she smiles, it is there.


she looks around a lot, too. like she's looking for someone. watching doors, scanning faces. and it makes me wonder who she is looking for.

she looks at her phone a lot, too. is she late for something? waiting for something? waiting for a call? not much time is passing, yet she always looks surprised to see the time, and her phone never rings.

is this a trick? because it's not a treat. oct 31st, halloween night.

alright.

after day two of beating myself up, i am asking for help.


i have an impossible time being forward. i've shown this on every possible occasion, except for one.

this is a call to all the dating experts out there, who happen into this blog. and, of course my three friend readers.


what should i say, if friday night happens again?

i need to practice, just like i eventually did with coffee in florida. it worked then. i recited my speech, nearly line for line. and it was the only way that i was able to not chicken out, and ask the hard questions.


part of my hesitation was because i know that he knows the bartender. and lives with her cousin. he's a guy. anything that does or doesn't happen would most likely be known at the bar. it's a little like peeing in the pool, i'm gonna have to swim around in it. and i'd really rather not. i am afraid to troll for boys there.


i know the easiest thing would be to say, 'here's my number'. but what if the guy is a creep. same with 'would you like to come over?' what if he is a creep who then knows where i live. not to mention a messy apartment without cable. he'd have to like one of the twelve movies i own. and then it becomes, 'sorry i have a tiny couch and that it's horribly uncomfortable.' because then it becomes, 'i know i just met you, but can we just watch online tv in my bed?'


it all sounds disastrous. and honestly, kindof scary.

why does this have to be scary?

i just want to make out. and maybe other things. but inviting a boy to my place seems like asking for sex straightaway. and maybe i don't want to do that.

maybe i do.

maybe i don't know.


i feel like an investigator.

i need to know who this boy might be. his past, slightly. who he knows, more so. because i also can't pee in the pool of people who know ever. it's like i have to be sure, and assume that everyone will know.


why am i so afraid? why didn't i say, 'you know? i'd love to go to six flags. what are you doing next weekend?'

only today is the last day that all the theme parks up here are open. he mentioned it that night. and i just verified it. why? why???


or i could have said, 'hey, we both like camping. i have a tent and two sleeping bags. we should go sometime.'

too soon.


i just feel like a total stranger is not the person to say those things to. i mean, six flags, fine. but camping with a new boy scared the hell out of me when alice did it. and i think it would take some getting-to-know-you time before i did that. and winter is fast approaching.


i realize now that, aside from ever, i think i met boys mostly at the coffee shop back in college. so i knew them going into it. or met them in a place where i wasn't afraid of them. it's different at a bar.


i have got to get over this.

i don't want a boyfriend. i mean, i do, but not really.

how to pull this off, without branding myself at favorite bar?


that night, i also didn't say anything about leaving together to hang out because i didn't want bartender to give me a hard time about it the next day. or see us leave together.

i don't know.

I DON'T KNOW.

help me, please.

i'm never going to survive this whole starting over thing.


i wanted to kiss him. better yet, and more honestly, i wanted him to kiss me. he was standing really close to me when we were smoking outside.

i always think i'm being a flirt when i intend to be, but if kit has to tell me to smile at someone i like, then i must have it all wrong.

i smiled that night. i laughed a lot. we were laughing so hard we almost couldn't talk at times.


and another part of it was that he was drunk. i mean, i guess that only probably would have worked to my benefit, but i wouldn't want him to take another beer if i asked him if he'd want to come over for a beer. i was fine, but his eyes were a little too glossy by the time our checks showed up.


i'm not a witty girl. and i think of 85 million things to say after the fact.

he's not friends with sam on fb, so i couldn't even go that route, to see if he is as cute in pictures as i thought he was then. or to see if i'm seriously robbing the cradle, or if he just looks younger than boys i should be looking at.


ugh. sunday night.

i picked kit up from the train station today, and we went to the bar for brunch. on my way to get her, i realized that i was in fact hungover from my disastrous night last night, and that i would be having a beer at 2 in the afternoon.

and then, as we were leaving, i offered to buy sam a drink. she was in a foul mood, and from the looks of her night last night, she probably had a hideous hangover.

and instead of accepting my offer, she said, 'wanna do a shot with me?'

and because i can't say no, i did.

so i had a shot at 330 on a sunday afternoon.

and didn't even have a buzz, but was completely cured of my hangover. and then i just got really, really sad.

i talked to aubree for an hour and fifteen minutes on the phone, but somehow we didn't really talk about much of anything.

and when i hung up, i just wanted to go to sleep. at like 530.

unacceptable.


so i forced myself to get off my bed and vacuum out my car and get a car wash for kenna's visit tomorrow.

and i felt fine once i was in my car. still sad, but at least better because i knew that my day tomorrow would be slightly less stressful.

my car is the cleanest it has been in years. and i can't even remember the last time i washed the thing.

it's probably a shitty job in the daylight, but at 7 pm, the bitch was SPARKLING.


sorry, miss b. i'll try to take better care of you.


funny, too. i got a flat on my bike this week, maybe tuesday. and i just couldn't get to the bike shop in time during the week. i was having a similar bed moment yesterday, feeling dumb and nervous and excited, but also scared. immobile.

and i made myself go to the bike shop. walked miss breezy over, dropped her off for 20 minutes. came back. $11 later, new tube.

i laughed on my way home. cars are so stupid. half new tires for my car when i got a flat were $300.

half my bike tires new cost $11.


and i felt just as accomplished yesterday when i walked breezy down the street as i did when i parked my car tonight.


i'm so glad for the time change next weekend.

it's 740 and it feels like it should be 1030.

there are kids yelling outside, trick or treating.

when i took the car out, i wanted to get home before dark. i almost made it. i have always been nervous about sugary kids running into the street in front of my car. i don't trust them one bit.

and walking in from my car, i thought about all of my halloweens growing up.

seriously? my parents were the shit when we were little (third grade and younger).


we lived in this neighborhood in the burbs.

and we would host a block party in our garage/driveway.

mom would make popcorn balls (still don't like them, but whatever) and candied apples, and cinnamon apples.

all the kids and parents would converge on our house, and bob for apples and other halloween things.

and then we'd trick or treat and come home to empty our plastic pumpkins before going out for more candy. three pumpkins later, we'd have enough candy to last a year, but it would be gone inside two weeks.

my brother and i would trade. he loved shit i hated and vice versa, and because i was smart and older than him and mean, i'd make sure the barters worked in my favor. it was never piece for piece. we'd separate what was up for trade and what wasn't, and go from there.


and the costumes.

maybe it's because i spent such a retarded amount of time on mine this year, but seriously? we never had a store bought costume ever. mom would start sewing them like weeks in advance.

i was a gypsy. that is one of my favorite pictures of me ever. my gypsy costume from either kindergarten or first grade.

i was a punk in third grade. hilarious outfit. i remember there being a lot of red and black. and my huge buck teeth fucking my shit up. fluo orange teased hair.

i am pretty sure i was a bumblebee one year, because wearing the antennae headband last night was very reminiscent for me. that just became a word that doesn't sound like a word. man, i'm tripped out right now.

i was a witch one year, olive green face paint and all. ugh. it was nasty. i hate that smell. i know i should probably love it, but i just can't stand it. i think that was the only halloween i opted for face paint.

high school was when shit got really crazy. i was jasmine in ninth grade. and the swimmer i crushed on was aladdin. it was awesome.

i copped out one year, and was a dirty laundry hamper, with boxers on my head.

i know i dressed up as a hippie for school, but i don't think that was on halloween. nina took an awesome picture of me for her photography class, and then watercolored it all technicolor. i still have it.

that was the first time i ever straightened my hair. back then, it was done by my mom, and with an iron. yikes.

i won second place in the high school costume contest my senior year for my raggedy ann costume.

when i lived in tahoe, i had a pretty awesome costume. i was in all silver, i guess i was a space lady, with an electric blue wig, which i hated to throw away some time a few years later. i always wanted straight hair, and it seemed the only way to have it.

awful roommate didn't hang with me that night, it was after i'd moved out. but she was mila's character in fifth element. you know, the part where she barely has anything on, like a couple bandages? yeah. whore. god, i still hate that bitch.

and then last year, the pirate costumes for ever, the puppy, and me. i love those tattooed sleeves. the outfits mom made were kickass.

i trick or treated into my first year of college. i was a candy junkie. mom wouldn't let me go after that. 'you're too old, tea. hand out candy.'

i wish i could remember all the other costumes mom made for me.

i'll have to jog her memory.


this is enough for now.

i reborrowed my room to write book from kit.

i think i might take a stab at some exercises to see if i feel better writing about something that isn't a journal post.

while i listen to jonsi's solo project for the first time.

god, i love him.

i promised nate tonight that no matter how much tickets cost, i'll be at the next jonsi/sigur ros concert in nyc.

so pretty. seriously, amazing. i adore him.

and knowing nate, we'll probably go to the bar with jonsi after the show. he tends to make friends with celebrities. i don't know how, but he does.

and i love that parts of this album are in english. that's the hardest thing about sigur, not knowing what the fuck they're singing about all the time.


cigarette. room to write.

go.