is this a trick? because it's not a treat. oct 31st, halloween night.


after day two of beating myself up, i am asking for help.

i have an impossible time being forward. i've shown this on every possible occasion, except for one.

this is a call to all the dating experts out there, who happen into this blog. and, of course my three friend readers.

what should i say, if friday night happens again?

i need to practice, just like i eventually did with coffee in florida. it worked then. i recited my speech, nearly line for line. and it was the only way that i was able to not chicken out, and ask the hard questions.

part of my hesitation was because i know that he knows the bartender. and lives with her cousin. he's a guy. anything that does or doesn't happen would most likely be known at the bar. it's a little like peeing in the pool, i'm gonna have to swim around in it. and i'd really rather not. i am afraid to troll for boys there.

i know the easiest thing would be to say, 'here's my number'. but what if the guy is a creep. same with 'would you like to come over?' what if he is a creep who then knows where i live. not to mention a messy apartment without cable. he'd have to like one of the twelve movies i own. and then it becomes, 'sorry i have a tiny couch and that it's horribly uncomfortable.' because then it becomes, 'i know i just met you, but can we just watch online tv in my bed?'

it all sounds disastrous. and honestly, kindof scary.

why does this have to be scary?

i just want to make out. and maybe other things. but inviting a boy to my place seems like asking for sex straightaway. and maybe i don't want to do that.

maybe i do.

maybe i don't know.

i feel like an investigator.

i need to know who this boy might be. his past, slightly. who he knows, more so. because i also can't pee in the pool of people who know ever. it's like i have to be sure, and assume that everyone will know.

why am i so afraid? why didn't i say, 'you know? i'd love to go to six flags. what are you doing next weekend?'

only today is the last day that all the theme parks up here are open. he mentioned it that night. and i just verified it. why? why???

or i could have said, 'hey, we both like camping. i have a tent and two sleeping bags. we should go sometime.'

too soon.

i just feel like a total stranger is not the person to say those things to. i mean, six flags, fine. but camping with a new boy scared the hell out of me when alice did it. and i think it would take some getting-to-know-you time before i did that. and winter is fast approaching.

i realize now that, aside from ever, i think i met boys mostly at the coffee shop back in college. so i knew them going into it. or met them in a place where i wasn't afraid of them. it's different at a bar.

i have got to get over this.

i don't want a boyfriend. i mean, i do, but not really.

how to pull this off, without branding myself at favorite bar?

that night, i also didn't say anything about leaving together to hang out because i didn't want bartender to give me a hard time about it the next day. or see us leave together.

i don't know.


help me, please.

i'm never going to survive this whole starting over thing.

i wanted to kiss him. better yet, and more honestly, i wanted him to kiss me. he was standing really close to me when we were smoking outside.

i always think i'm being a flirt when i intend to be, but if kit has to tell me to smile at someone i like, then i must have it all wrong.

i smiled that night. i laughed a lot. we were laughing so hard we almost couldn't talk at times.

and another part of it was that he was drunk. i mean, i guess that only probably would have worked to my benefit, but i wouldn't want him to take another beer if i asked him if he'd want to come over for a beer. i was fine, but his eyes were a little too glossy by the time our checks showed up.

i'm not a witty girl. and i think of 85 million things to say after the fact.

he's not friends with sam on fb, so i couldn't even go that route, to see if he is as cute in pictures as i thought he was then. or to see if i'm seriously robbing the cradle, or if he just looks younger than boys i should be looking at.

ugh. sunday night.

i picked kit up from the train station today, and we went to the bar for brunch. on my way to get her, i realized that i was in fact hungover from my disastrous night last night, and that i would be having a beer at 2 in the afternoon.

and then, as we were leaving, i offered to buy sam a drink. she was in a foul mood, and from the looks of her night last night, she probably had a hideous hangover.

and instead of accepting my offer, she said, 'wanna do a shot with me?'

and because i can't say no, i did.

so i had a shot at 330 on a sunday afternoon.

and didn't even have a buzz, but was completely cured of my hangover. and then i just got really, really sad.

i talked to aubree for an hour and fifteen minutes on the phone, but somehow we didn't really talk about much of anything.

and when i hung up, i just wanted to go to sleep. at like 530.


so i forced myself to get off my bed and vacuum out my car and get a car wash for kenna's visit tomorrow.

and i felt fine once i was in my car. still sad, but at least better because i knew that my day tomorrow would be slightly less stressful.

my car is the cleanest it has been in years. and i can't even remember the last time i washed the thing.

it's probably a shitty job in the daylight, but at 7 pm, the bitch was SPARKLING.

sorry, miss b. i'll try to take better care of you.

funny, too. i got a flat on my bike this week, maybe tuesday. and i just couldn't get to the bike shop in time during the week. i was having a similar bed moment yesterday, feeling dumb and nervous and excited, but also scared. immobile.

and i made myself go to the bike shop. walked miss breezy over, dropped her off for 20 minutes. came back. $11 later, new tube.

i laughed on my way home. cars are so stupid. half new tires for my car when i got a flat were $300.

half my bike tires new cost $11.

and i felt just as accomplished yesterday when i walked breezy down the street as i did when i parked my car tonight.

i'm so glad for the time change next weekend.

it's 740 and it feels like it should be 1030.

there are kids yelling outside, trick or treating.

when i took the car out, i wanted to get home before dark. i almost made it. i have always been nervous about sugary kids running into the street in front of my car. i don't trust them one bit.

and walking in from my car, i thought about all of my halloweens growing up.

seriously? my parents were the shit when we were little (third grade and younger).

we lived in this neighborhood in the burbs.

and we would host a block party in our garage/driveway.

mom would make popcorn balls (still don't like them, but whatever) and candied apples, and cinnamon apples.

all the kids and parents would converge on our house, and bob for apples and other halloween things.

and then we'd trick or treat and come home to empty our plastic pumpkins before going out for more candy. three pumpkins later, we'd have enough candy to last a year, but it would be gone inside two weeks.

my brother and i would trade. he loved shit i hated and vice versa, and because i was smart and older than him and mean, i'd make sure the barters worked in my favor. it was never piece for piece. we'd separate what was up for trade and what wasn't, and go from there.

and the costumes.

maybe it's because i spent such a retarded amount of time on mine this year, but seriously? we never had a store bought costume ever. mom would start sewing them like weeks in advance.

i was a gypsy. that is one of my favorite pictures of me ever. my gypsy costume from either kindergarten or first grade.

i was a punk in third grade. hilarious outfit. i remember there being a lot of red and black. and my huge buck teeth fucking my shit up. fluo orange teased hair.

i am pretty sure i was a bumblebee one year, because wearing the antennae headband last night was very reminiscent for me. that just became a word that doesn't sound like a word. man, i'm tripped out right now.

i was a witch one year, olive green face paint and all. ugh. it was nasty. i hate that smell. i know i should probably love it, but i just can't stand it. i think that was the only halloween i opted for face paint.

high school was when shit got really crazy. i was jasmine in ninth grade. and the swimmer i crushed on was aladdin. it was awesome.

i copped out one year, and was a dirty laundry hamper, with boxers on my head.

i know i dressed up as a hippie for school, but i don't think that was on halloween. nina took an awesome picture of me for her photography class, and then watercolored it all technicolor. i still have it.

that was the first time i ever straightened my hair. back then, it was done by my mom, and with an iron. yikes.

i won second place in the high school costume contest my senior year for my raggedy ann costume.

when i lived in tahoe, i had a pretty awesome costume. i was in all silver, i guess i was a space lady, with an electric blue wig, which i hated to throw away some time a few years later. i always wanted straight hair, and it seemed the only way to have it.

awful roommate didn't hang with me that night, it was after i'd moved out. but she was mila's character in fifth element. you know, the part where she barely has anything on, like a couple bandages? yeah. whore. god, i still hate that bitch.

and then last year, the pirate costumes for ever, the puppy, and me. i love those tattooed sleeves. the outfits mom made were kickass.

i trick or treated into my first year of college. i was a candy junkie. mom wouldn't let me go after that. 'you're too old, tea. hand out candy.'

i wish i could remember all the other costumes mom made for me.

i'll have to jog her memory.

this is enough for now.

i reborrowed my room to write book from kit.

i think i might take a stab at some exercises to see if i feel better writing about something that isn't a journal post.

while i listen to jonsi's solo project for the first time.

god, i love him.

i promised nate tonight that no matter how much tickets cost, i'll be at the next jonsi/sigur ros concert in nyc.

so pretty. seriously, amazing. i adore him.

and knowing nate, we'll probably go to the bar with jonsi after the show. he tends to make friends with celebrities. i don't know how, but he does.

and i love that parts of this album are in english. that's the hardest thing about sigur, not knowing what the fuck they're singing about all the time.

cigarette. room to write.


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