so i did re-read wishful thinking.
what i had forgotten was that i wrote it on my way home, or that first night there. last year. on december 2nd.
and my wishes were similar.
the ones that have come true: my life is easier. i do have more money now than i did, even if i'm spending it all on legal fees. i am dancing and drinking more. i did make out and i did get properly kissed. even if it was settling.
yesterday was bad. i am still reeling from it. i knew i had to get out last night, and thankfully kit came to my rescue like she always does. took me to target. i bought two pair of jeans. and a scarf i needed. and a sweater. forgot the hat, but that's okay.
i don't want to go to work. but it's a three day week, and a four day weekend, so that ought to make up for it.
i needed to come home tonight after a movie at kit's. i knew she needed help cleaning, but i just couldn't help her. i watched 'sideways' and needed to go home to eat. so i did. and watched 'the opposite of sex' on nina's recommendation. after i tried to suffer through 'mulholland drive'. i just can't stand david lynch. it was too lame. i gave up after about 45 minutes of obscurity and weirdness.
and i watched a ton of buffy. i'm on season two, about three or four episodes in.
and fringe. man, that show rules. and modern family. and the office. all tv all weekend long.
but i did do all of my laundry, which was necessary. and washed my new clothes. so tomorrow i can go to work all shiny and new.
i don't know. i guess i was mad at myself last night. because i wrote that 'kissing' post and then opened the letter from the insurance company, telling me that my auto and homeowners policies were canceled because ever didn't pay his portion of the bill.
emailed the agent in a panic. emailed my lawyer in a panic, telling him to go ahead with the emergency hearing.
and hoping that he will let me pay as we go, because $1000 upfront is something i just don't want to have to do right now.
i was bitching about sex related things, being all lonely and alone and shit. and then ever's far reaching hand fucked my shit up royally.
it was super unfair. and i've really pretty much had it with his influence over my otherwise peaceful existence.
talked to the fam a lot. talked to kit a little.
and i guess, mostly i felt sorry for myself. embraced being alone, and just curled up on the couch to do nothing other than stare at a glowing box. zoning out. and writing a lot, too, i guess.
i think this is my brain preparing for my first holiday alone.
and because we didn't really celebrate, i think i didn't think about it until just the last few days. kit knew before i did, which is why i get to tag along on her family thanksgiving. and i guess i'd be homesick more than anything if i spent thanksgiving alone.
i just see it as a time to not work, take it easy, slack off, and maybe go black friday shopping, if i find something that i really want.
all i really want are clothes.
maybe a netbook that is small and portable. that i can beat up and not worry about kit's blacktop.
but i can't spend that money right now. not in light of the legal proceedings that are about to take place.
luckily i've been paying down my credit card bills, so there's some wiggle room for christmas back home.
and other general shenanigans.
i can see my breath. and i thought the moon was full last night, but i think that maybe it's tonight.
ever is in for it now. he won't be able to ignore this part. he will have to show up. i will have to see him. and it will be in a courtroom, which unfortunately i feel like i've become all too familiar with in the last year. first ginny, then jury duty, then katie, now this.
i shouldn't worry. my shrink appointment next monday kinda can't get here soon enough.
and yet, if i was going tomorrow, i don't even know what i would say to her.
i miss home. i miss nina. i miss brownies. i miss my mom and my sister. soon enough, soon enough.
yesterday was the 30 day mark. which means that, in 29 days, i'll be at my parents' house, on their porch. smoking and drinking. and talking to my sister. and my mom.
being in that mix. driving around confused and disoriented. trying to find the place the i want to call home.
in thinking about it, i don't know that i can just leave everything here. i think i'll be in a position to move again if i feel like it, whenever that time comes, because of the sale of the house. and because i know that i can't live at my parents', it seems retarded to leave my shit here.
it's not like i have so much. it's not like it can't be replaced with about a thousand dollars if i end up moving far away and not taking my shit with me. or back again, to philadelphia, if things don't work out at home and i realize that i miss the life i have here too much.
ever has sealed his fate now. and i should be happy about that. the house will go on the market. pretty much in the next month, if all goes according to plan.
and i don't even care.
in fact, i welcome that change.
the sooner the better. the sooner it happens, the sooner i can get the fuck out of here. with a nice chunk of cash to get my shit rolling back home.
i have to make the rest of my wishes come true.
i have to do my own thing. and succeed at it.
i have to regret less and doubt less. this summer helped me with that.
i can't go back in time. maybe i still can meet my soulmate, if such a thing does exist. and maybe this time, i won't pin it on someone who isn't. or jump too soon into things with someone who is.
and maybe my love won't be unrequited the next time. maybe it will and i'll be a better writer for it.
maybe i'll find out that someone was holding back with me.
i can't have more wishes. i can't be young again.
and soon enough, i'll be able to travel more. and i'm going to the west coast alone.
i won't be a famous writer, but i would never have thought a year ago that people i don't know in texas and virginia would be spending twenty minutes at a time reading my rantings.
i can't save my dead friends. but i can remember them. and if you'd told me a year ago that i'd have an apple tattoo, i would never have believed you.
and now, i am going to have to sing in front of people.
i don't know. i'm glad that i have changed. both my situation, and as a person.
and it's like i tell myself at work: my worst days now are still better than my best days then.
i'm glad that i left. part of me wishes i'd left sooner, part of me wishes i'd hung in a little bit longer and planned for this in a better way.
but part of living without regret is knowing that i did the right thing. and that settling once doesn't have to mean settling only once and forever. for ever.
i hope that when all is said and done, that he realizes, for his own benefit, that he is an idiot. that he shared more than half the blame for our marriage ending. that all the shit he is doing right now is exactly why i knew he had to leave.
i just hope that the judge gives me what i want after hearing all of it.
i can't imagine that someone in their right mind wouldn't. but i need to ask the lawyer if it's possible that he was advised to not pay for things, because there is a way that he can make me pay.
i can't even let myself think that right now. i just can't.
especially not before bed.
i just want to run away. maybe if i'd been thinking, i'd have bought a ticket somewhere for thanksgiving. i won't put in writing where i want to go. but i'm just saying. i feel like running away, and staying here and doing what i'm doing isn't going to get me any closer to that, or replace it.
i will run away. someday. it will be well deserved. and i guess it doesn't really qualify as running away if you plan it a year in advance.
still. i'll make a dramatic exit.
it is what keeps me going when i have a day like the one i had yesterday. and today, really.
i won't stay home and watch tv all day. i won't stay home and watch movies alone. i will go out, do things. not be afraid to run into ever. and not be limited by anyone or anything.
it will be fantastic.
and i kinda can't wait.
rtw 74. 11/20/10
unforgettable food.
symbolic food:
wedding cake
a loaf of bread and red wine
communion
i'm having a hard time with symbolic food.
much easier time with associations.
associations:
with being sick - saltines, chicken noodle soup
with being home - stew, enchiladas, sausage biscuits at grandmas, oreos, cashews, cake scraps (mom's a baker and trims the tops off to level cakes), cheezits, homemade chili, cheesecake, pot roast, ice cream cake
with holidays - sausage and cheese drop biscuits, fruitcake that i refuse to eat, cookies, blondies, homemade dinner rolls, mashed potatoes, ham that i don't eat, sweet potatoes with marshmallows that i don't eat, deep fryer turkey.
favorites - indian buffet (samosas, channa masala, jasmine rice, naan, tandoor chicken, chicken tikka masala, gobi masala), pumpkin cheesecake, chips and dips, bakery cakes with whipped frosting, apple fritters at work, red velvet with cream cheese frosting, grits with real butter, bacon, plain popcorn with real butter, homemade salsa, cucumbers, chicken fingers and french fries, burgers medium rare, hummus and pita, kalamata olives, chocolate chip cookie ice cream sandwiches, cereal dry, whipped cream, strawberries
with being broke - ramen, rice and beans, potatoes, frozen waffles
with atkins - pepperoni, cheese, salad, celery, cucumbers, chicken, stoli vanil and diet, mixed nuts
with tahoe - mango salsa, ramen, iced white mochas
with people:
enchiladas for traveling bands and house guests
monkey bread and chocolate shakes with kit
chocolate brownies with nina
blueberry waffles with nate
drinks: ginger ale and sprite and theraflu with being sick, hot chocolate with extra mimi marshmallows on a cold day, blueberry iced coffee and eggnog lattes are a favorite, cheap red wine out of the bottle with being lonely and sad, pbr with being broke, golden monkey as a favorite beer, slimfast shakes and iced instant coffee with college,
symbolic food:
wedding cake
a loaf of bread and red wine
communion
i'm having a hard time with symbolic food.
much easier time with associations.
associations:
with being sick - saltines, chicken noodle soup
with being home - stew, enchiladas, sausage biscuits at grandmas, oreos, cashews, cake scraps (mom's a baker and trims the tops off to level cakes), cheezits, homemade chili, cheesecake, pot roast, ice cream cake
with holidays - sausage and cheese drop biscuits, fruitcake that i refuse to eat, cookies, blondies, homemade dinner rolls, mashed potatoes, ham that i don't eat, sweet potatoes with marshmallows that i don't eat, deep fryer turkey.
favorites - indian buffet (samosas, channa masala, jasmine rice, naan, tandoor chicken, chicken tikka masala, gobi masala), pumpkin cheesecake, chips and dips, bakery cakes with whipped frosting, apple fritters at work, red velvet with cream cheese frosting, grits with real butter, bacon, plain popcorn with real butter, homemade salsa, cucumbers, chicken fingers and french fries, burgers medium rare, hummus and pita, kalamata olives, chocolate chip cookie ice cream sandwiches, cereal dry, whipped cream, strawberries
with being broke - ramen, rice and beans, potatoes, frozen waffles
with atkins - pepperoni, cheese, salad, celery, cucumbers, chicken, stoli vanil and diet, mixed nuts
with tahoe - mango salsa, ramen, iced white mochas
with people:
enchiladas for traveling bands and house guests
monkey bread and chocolate shakes with kit
chocolate brownies with nina
blueberry waffles with nate
drinks: ginger ale and sprite and theraflu with being sick, hot chocolate with extra mimi marshmallows on a cold day, blueberry iced coffee and eggnog lattes are a favorite, cheap red wine out of the bottle with being lonely and sad, pbr with being broke, golden monkey as a favorite beer, slimfast shakes and iced instant coffee with college,
rtw 21. 11/20/10
wishful thinking. again.
now, i don't know which wishes will be the same or different.
but here they are.
all my wishes are for boys. boys who end a drought. they always are.
i wish on falling stars, birthday candles.
i wish on 1111.
until now, most of my wishes involved a reconnection with coffee.
but now i think my wishes are growing up. there's a reason why i didn't wirte this last night. i didn't know that until right now.
i wish that ever would fucking GROW UP.
pay the mortgage. pay his bills. stop using the joint account i never closed.
i wish that the divorce was over.
i wish that it was february. not that i wish away december. but i think that being alone this winter might kill me.
i wish that i could just forget.
i wish right now that i'd never even met him.
and that wish sucks because then i'd never have ended up here. and i cannot imagine my life without kit in it.
but nights like tonight make me wish for undoing things.
which is a recurring theme.
i wish that the writer meant it when he said he'd take me to a carnival. i've been thinking of them this past week, brought on by a post from oscar.
i wish that i'd kissed coffee when i had the chance.
i wish that i'd given my number to tim.
i wish that boys didn't scare me.
i wish that chalk hadn't tried to stay. because i wish that i still wanted him around for a couple days at a time.
i wish that i hadn't started drinking, because now i can't imagine not drinking.
i wish that i could just spend my money on ME. i wish that i could be more selfish.
i wish that i worried less. that i wanted less.
i wish that i was happy.
i am happier, i know that.
if i was still with ever, i'd be wishing that i wasn't. because he'd be dragging me through this, only it would be affecting me in a different way.
i wish that i could eat what i wanted and never have to worry about it. i wish that i was permanently one size that never changed, no matter how much cake i eat.
i wish that i genuinely loved healthy food. i wish that i wasn't built to love sweets.
i wish that i had just stayed home.
i wish that intern wasn't so retarded. i wish even more than that, that he wasn't a moral human being.
or that he liked me enough to not give a shit.
i wish that i didn't care about one boy at a time. i wish that i didn't put so much stock in my happiness as it relates to other people.
yes, i'm happier alone, but i wish that i was truly happy being alone. that i didn't need anyone to pull me out of it, and that i didn't get so fucking excited about life when there's a boy to be excited about. or fixed on.
i wish that i could finish projects. that i could play music. that i was a better writer. that i could write outside my life.
i wish that i was a better artist, especially as it pertains to drawing people.
more than anything, i guess i wish that my life was at the next phase, the next level.
i wish that whatever i do, it was the right thing.
because i'm tired of wishing that i didn't make so many mistakes in my life.
and all of them revolve around boys.
it's hard for me to think outside of this, because when ever pulls one of his stunts, this is the effect it has on me.
i wish i could just not worry about things i can't control. and that i could control things so i had less to worry about.
i wish that i was loved. i wish that i was in love. i wish that i'd picked better. that i'd met 'the one'. that i had a different life now. that maybe it involved a kid.
now, i have to stop wishing. because wishing takes away the motivation i need to make things happen without wishing on anything at all.
i wish that i was sleepy at one am.
and i wish that, just once, a dream would come true.
one of the good ones. not one of the ones where i wake up crying.
stop wishing.
start doing.
just. stop. wishing.
they don't come true.
unless you make them.
now, i don't know which wishes will be the same or different.
but here they are.
all my wishes are for boys. boys who end a drought. they always are.
i wish on falling stars, birthday candles.
i wish on 1111.
until now, most of my wishes involved a reconnection with coffee.
but now i think my wishes are growing up. there's a reason why i didn't wirte this last night. i didn't know that until right now.
i wish that ever would fucking GROW UP.
pay the mortgage. pay his bills. stop using the joint account i never closed.
i wish that the divorce was over.
i wish that it was february. not that i wish away december. but i think that being alone this winter might kill me.
i wish that i could just forget.
i wish right now that i'd never even met him.
and that wish sucks because then i'd never have ended up here. and i cannot imagine my life without kit in it.
but nights like tonight make me wish for undoing things.
which is a recurring theme.
i wish that the writer meant it when he said he'd take me to a carnival. i've been thinking of them this past week, brought on by a post from oscar.
i wish that i'd kissed coffee when i had the chance.
i wish that i'd given my number to tim.
i wish that boys didn't scare me.
i wish that chalk hadn't tried to stay. because i wish that i still wanted him around for a couple days at a time.
i wish that i hadn't started drinking, because now i can't imagine not drinking.
i wish that i could just spend my money on ME. i wish that i could be more selfish.
i wish that i worried less. that i wanted less.
i wish that i was happy.
i am happier, i know that.
if i was still with ever, i'd be wishing that i wasn't. because he'd be dragging me through this, only it would be affecting me in a different way.
i wish that i could eat what i wanted and never have to worry about it. i wish that i was permanently one size that never changed, no matter how much cake i eat.
i wish that i genuinely loved healthy food. i wish that i wasn't built to love sweets.
i wish that i had just stayed home.
i wish that intern wasn't so retarded. i wish even more than that, that he wasn't a moral human being.
or that he liked me enough to not give a shit.
i wish that i didn't care about one boy at a time. i wish that i didn't put so much stock in my happiness as it relates to other people.
yes, i'm happier alone, but i wish that i was truly happy being alone. that i didn't need anyone to pull me out of it, and that i didn't get so fucking excited about life when there's a boy to be excited about. or fixed on.
i wish that i could finish projects. that i could play music. that i was a better writer. that i could write outside my life.
i wish that i was a better artist, especially as it pertains to drawing people.
more than anything, i guess i wish that my life was at the next phase, the next level.
i wish that whatever i do, it was the right thing.
because i'm tired of wishing that i didn't make so many mistakes in my life.
and all of them revolve around boys.
it's hard for me to think outside of this, because when ever pulls one of his stunts, this is the effect it has on me.
i wish i could just not worry about things i can't control. and that i could control things so i had less to worry about.
i wish that i was loved. i wish that i was in love. i wish that i'd picked better. that i'd met 'the one'. that i had a different life now. that maybe it involved a kid.
now, i have to stop wishing. because wishing takes away the motivation i need to make things happen without wishing on anything at all.
i wish that i was sleepy at one am.
and i wish that, just once, a dream would come true.
one of the good ones. not one of the ones where i wake up crying.
stop wishing.
start doing.
just. stop. wishing.
they don't come true.
unless you make them.
rtw 137. 11/21/10
jealousy.
i don't think of myself as jealous, yet there are people i am jealous of, and i tend to feel territorial, so i guess that i am.
jealousy. lousy. it's right there in the word.
i think it's easy to see people in a very simplified way and be jealous of them. in a sea of people you might only really know enough about only one of them to not truly be jealous.
the people i'm jealous of tend to be people who look like they're in loving relationships. or who have enough money to live in a way that is enviable to me.
people with nice houses, for the last nine months.
and i wonder if it's really true that money doesn't mean happiness. i know the best times in my life have been times when i didn't have to worry about money. times where the bills were all paid ahead and i didn't have to limit myself to things i need instead of want.
living in an apartment again has made me feel almost sick with jealousy at times, being in a nice house that was what i envisioned my house to be before the reality of what i had set in.
once, it was a perfect apartment, with a great marriage (as seen superficially) and a beautiful baby.
and sometimes it's about age. someone being younger than me, accomplishing more than i have accomplished at my age, and having something to show for their efforts.
i know that i am young, all things considered. and that i have so much ahead of me to do still. but in a very simple way, it's mostly about people my age having things that i want.
it's about people being in a place in their lives that is more exciting than mine. free spirits who can afford to travel and see the world when i've really never left the country and seen what they get to see, on a somewhat regular basis.
last night, it was about people seeing ever in this light where they feel sorry for him or put blame on me for the life he is living now.
and how when all is said and done, all i can do is really leave them here, and go home with my tail tucked, because they will probably never understand what i had to go through being with him. subjecting me to his lifestyle and careless spending habits. irresponsibility.
because jealousy exists only from the outside the majority of the time. i'd be more jealous if i didn't realize how lucky i am most of the time to be alive and healthy and free in my own way.
i try to keep it in check. to realize that there is always a cost. there is always something that is given up to have something else. where there's a nice house, there might be more worry than i could ever experience about making ends meet. where there's a beautiful baby, there's a great sense of loss of freedom. or a faulty marriage. where someone traded a life not being with someone else to have a kid that they want right then. that there was a period of doing without to gain something i am envious of.
nothing is easy. i'll probably never know anyone who really has it made in every possible way.
all i can do is sit back and try to think about what was traded for things that i want.
i could still have that house, but it would have meant dealing with ever. i could have a traveling lifestyle, but it would mean that i didn't have my freedom in other ways. i could have that baby, but it would be a much more difficult road.
and most of the time i think that not having the house and the baby and the traveling is worth the simplicity and sense of self that comes with the life i am living.
i don't think of myself as jealous, yet there are people i am jealous of, and i tend to feel territorial, so i guess that i am.
jealousy. lousy. it's right there in the word.
i think it's easy to see people in a very simplified way and be jealous of them. in a sea of people you might only really know enough about only one of them to not truly be jealous.
the people i'm jealous of tend to be people who look like they're in loving relationships. or who have enough money to live in a way that is enviable to me.
people with nice houses, for the last nine months.
and i wonder if it's really true that money doesn't mean happiness. i know the best times in my life have been times when i didn't have to worry about money. times where the bills were all paid ahead and i didn't have to limit myself to things i need instead of want.
living in an apartment again has made me feel almost sick with jealousy at times, being in a nice house that was what i envisioned my house to be before the reality of what i had set in.
once, it was a perfect apartment, with a great marriage (as seen superficially) and a beautiful baby.
and sometimes it's about age. someone being younger than me, accomplishing more than i have accomplished at my age, and having something to show for their efforts.
i know that i am young, all things considered. and that i have so much ahead of me to do still. but in a very simple way, it's mostly about people my age having things that i want.
it's about people being in a place in their lives that is more exciting than mine. free spirits who can afford to travel and see the world when i've really never left the country and seen what they get to see, on a somewhat regular basis.
last night, it was about people seeing ever in this light where they feel sorry for him or put blame on me for the life he is living now.
and how when all is said and done, all i can do is really leave them here, and go home with my tail tucked, because they will probably never understand what i had to go through being with him. subjecting me to his lifestyle and careless spending habits. irresponsibility.
because jealousy exists only from the outside the majority of the time. i'd be more jealous if i didn't realize how lucky i am most of the time to be alive and healthy and free in my own way.
i try to keep it in check. to realize that there is always a cost. there is always something that is given up to have something else. where there's a nice house, there might be more worry than i could ever experience about making ends meet. where there's a beautiful baby, there's a great sense of loss of freedom. or a faulty marriage. where someone traded a life not being with someone else to have a kid that they want right then. that there was a period of doing without to gain something i am envious of.
nothing is easy. i'll probably never know anyone who really has it made in every possible way.
all i can do is sit back and try to think about what was traded for things that i want.
i could still have that house, but it would have meant dealing with ever. i could have a traveling lifestyle, but it would mean that i didn't have my freedom in other ways. i could have that baby, but it would be a much more difficult road.
and most of the time i think that not having the house and the baby and the traveling is worth the simplicity and sense of self that comes with the life i am living.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)