back to it. november 21st.

so i did re-read wishful thinking.

what i had forgotten was that i wrote it on my way home, or that first night there. last year. on december 2nd.


and my wishes were similar.


the ones that have come true: my life is easier. i do have more money now than i did, even if i'm spending it all on legal fees. i am dancing and drinking more. i did make out and i did get properly kissed. even if it was settling.


yesterday was bad. i am still reeling from it. i knew i had to get out last night, and thankfully kit came to my rescue like she always does. took me to target. i bought two pair of jeans. and a scarf i needed. and a sweater. forgot the hat, but that's okay.


i don't want to go to work. but it's a three day week, and a four day weekend, so that ought to make up for it.


i needed to come home tonight after a movie at kit's. i knew she needed help cleaning, but i just couldn't help her. i watched 'sideways' and needed to go home to eat. so i did. and watched 'the opposite of sex' on nina's recommendation. after i tried to suffer through 'mulholland drive'. i just can't stand david lynch. it was too lame. i gave up after about 45 minutes of obscurity and weirdness.

and i watched a ton of buffy. i'm on season two, about three or four episodes in.

and fringe. man, that show rules. and modern family. and the office. all tv all weekend long.

but i did do all of my laundry, which was necessary. and washed my new clothes. so tomorrow i can go to work all shiny and new.


i don't know. i guess i was mad at myself last night. because i wrote that 'kissing' post and then opened the letter from the insurance company, telling me that my auto and homeowners policies were canceled because ever didn't pay his portion of the bill.

emailed the agent in a panic. emailed my lawyer in a panic, telling him to go ahead with the emergency hearing.

and hoping that he will let me pay as we go, because $1000 upfront is something i just don't want to have to do right now.


i was bitching about sex related things, being all lonely and alone and shit. and then ever's far reaching hand fucked my shit up royally.

it was super unfair. and i've really pretty much had it with his influence over my otherwise peaceful existence.


talked to the fam a lot. talked to kit a little.


and i guess, mostly i felt sorry for myself. embraced being alone, and just curled up on the couch to do nothing other than stare at a glowing box. zoning out. and writing a lot, too, i guess.


i think this is my brain preparing for my first holiday alone.

and because we didn't really celebrate, i think i didn't think about it until just the last few days. kit knew before i did, which is why i get to tag along on her family thanksgiving. and i guess i'd be homesick more than anything if i spent thanksgiving alone.


i just see it as a time to not work, take it easy, slack off, and maybe go black friday shopping, if i find something that i really want.

all i really want are clothes.

maybe a netbook that is small and portable. that i can beat up and not worry about kit's blacktop.

but i can't spend that money right now. not in light of the legal proceedings that are about to take place.


luckily i've been paying down my credit card bills, so there's some wiggle room for christmas back home.

and other general shenanigans.


i can see my breath. and i thought the moon was full last night, but i think that maybe it's tonight.


ever is in for it now. he won't be able to ignore this part. he will have to show up. i will have to see him. and it will be in a courtroom, which unfortunately i feel like i've become all too familiar with in the last year. first ginny, then jury duty, then katie, now this.

i shouldn't worry. my shrink appointment next monday kinda can't get here soon enough.

and yet, if i was going tomorrow, i don't even know what i would say to her.


i miss home. i miss nina. i miss brownies. i miss my mom and my sister. soon enough, soon enough.

yesterday was the 30 day mark. which means that, in 29 days, i'll be at my parents' house, on their porch. smoking and drinking. and talking to my sister. and my mom.

being in that mix. driving around confused and disoriented. trying to find the place the i want to call home.


in thinking about it, i don't know that i can just leave everything here. i think i'll be in a position to move again if i feel like it, whenever that time comes, because of the sale of the house. and because i know that i can't live at my parents', it seems retarded to leave my shit here.

it's not like i have so much. it's not like it can't be replaced with about a thousand dollars if i end up moving far away and not taking my shit with me. or back again, to philadelphia, if things don't work out at home and i realize that i miss the life i have here too much.

ever has sealed his fate now. and i should be happy about that. the house will go on the market. pretty much in the next month, if all goes according to plan.

and i don't even care.

in fact, i welcome that change.

the sooner the better. the sooner it happens, the sooner i can get the fuck out of here. with a nice chunk of cash to get my shit rolling back home.


i have to make the rest of my wishes come true.

i have to do my own thing. and succeed at it.

i have to regret less and doubt less. this summer helped me with that.

i can't go back in time. maybe i still can meet my soulmate, if such a thing does exist. and maybe this time, i won't pin it on someone who isn't. or jump too soon into things with someone who is.

and maybe my love won't be unrequited the next time. maybe it will and i'll be a better writer for it.

maybe i'll find out that someone was holding back with me.

i can't have more wishes. i can't be young again.

and soon enough, i'll be able to travel more. and i'm going to the west coast alone.

i won't be a famous writer, but i would never have thought a year ago that people i don't know in texas and virginia would be spending twenty minutes at a time reading my rantings.

i can't save my dead friends. but i can remember them. and if you'd told me a year ago that i'd have an apple tattoo, i would never have believed you.

and now, i am going to have to sing in front of people.


i don't know. i'm glad that i have changed. both my situation, and as a person.

and it's like i tell myself at work: my worst days now are still better than my best days then.


i'm glad that i left. part of me wishes i'd left sooner, part of me wishes i'd hung in a little bit longer and planned for this in a better way.


but part of living without regret is knowing that i did the right thing. and that settling once doesn't have to mean settling only once and forever. for ever.


i hope that when all is said and done, that he realizes, for his own benefit, that he is an idiot. that he shared more than half the blame for our marriage ending. that all the shit he is doing right now is exactly why i knew he had to leave.

i just hope that the judge gives me what i want after hearing all of it.

i can't imagine that someone in their right mind wouldn't. but i need to ask the lawyer if it's possible that he was advised to not pay for things, because there is a way that he can make me pay.

i can't even let myself think that right now. i just can't.

especially not before bed.


i just want to run away. maybe if i'd been thinking, i'd have bought a ticket somewhere for thanksgiving. i won't put in writing where i want to go. but i'm just saying. i feel like running away, and staying here and doing what i'm doing isn't going to get me any closer to that, or replace it.


i will run away. someday. it will be well deserved. and i guess it doesn't really qualify as running away if you plan it a year in advance.

still. i'll make a dramatic exit.

it is what keeps me going when i have a day like the one i had yesterday. and today, really.

i won't stay home and watch tv all day. i won't stay home and watch movies alone. i will go out, do things. not be afraid to run into ever. and not be limited by anyone or anything.

it will be fantastic.

and i kinda can't wait.