let's see...
things change so quickly around here that i forget where i was in the drama-filled soap opera that is becoming 'a week in the life of tea'.
right. so. went to bed fucking wired because i couldn't stop obsessing about all of it. what did he say to the lawyer? what the fuck is he thinking?
i had no idea.
so today, as i was driving in to work, my phone rang. the lawyer. called him back walking in to work after i parked my car.
buckle up, people.
it's about to get crayyyzeee.
first things first. ever has a JOB.
that's right.
i don't know what kind of a job. or who he is working for.
but he claims to be the new guy at his job, and that he's going to have a bit of a hard time finding the right time for us to meet up, what with working and all.
right.
ok.
secondly. ever was told by friends and family (specifically because he can't afford a lawyer) that the quickest way to get this over with is to let the house get foreclosed on.
yep. just stop making the payments that he can't afford now that the roommates don't live there any more.
ah-ah-bullshit! (that was the sound of me sneezing the word bullshit)
if no one is living there, then whose shit was i stumbling over? who was home when i was there?
fucking LIAR.
he wants to be out of the house as soon as possible.
fine. great. perfect, even. get the fuck out. take all your shit with you. all the shit that is yours because you don't have roommates. THAT shit.
what i want to know, is, who the fuck told him to let the house get foreclosed upon??? 'hey, ever. yeah. equity, whatever. money, whatever. just give all of that to the bank and walk away empty handed. THAT'S what you should do.'
was it his crazy fucking mother? i am mostly sure she let a house go into foreclosure once. when you're upside down, sure. why not? let the bank take the loss. that makes sense. but seriously? really? or maybe it is all the people who used to be my 'friends'. because none of them know a thing about money. or equity. or marriage. or divorce.
'lose the house, ever. that will show her! whatabitch!'
let me count the ways... or the things i'm bubbling over with joy about right now.
the one that really gets me?
he doesn't recall signing a loan notice on the money my parents gave us for the house.
yeah, fucker. there wasn't one. they thought we were going to live in the house for 20 years. you want to sell it now and walk away with a chunk of money? pay them back first. then take what is not-even-rightfully yours.
the tone of the email he wrote to my lawyer was so self righteous. and chock full of lies. but that's beside the point.
when WE bought the house TOGETHER. fuck you. i almost bought the house by myself. you just made up the difference, jackass.
he said that he called the insurance company and had the homeowners split off from my car insurance, and that the account was current.
right. because i PAID IT FOR YOU, FUCKER. and because i closed the joint account. because you were ruining my credit. are. still.
and that you are only 30 days past due. try 40. try 20 from foreclosure. idiot.
you know, i can take a lot. but i cannot handle lying.
and he is lying. and it is making me want to harm him physically.
what else was there?
the thing about my parents pissed me off the most.
we all knew we bit off more than we could chew. we were up against a deadline that we wouldn't have met if they didn't bail us out. did you sign a promissary note? no. of course not. had my parents known i wanted to leave him back then, they wouldn't have helped. they would have cut and run instead, and made me figure it out for myself.
ingrateful bastard. takes and takes and takes.
i can't think straight to remember what else was in there.
but i know his lying ass is trying to get out of the court date.
and i won't do that unless he pays the mortgage current in front of me. right then and there.
which he won't do. ever having $2100 on hand? not likely.
i have to be careful. i have to get all this anger out of the way so i can make rational decisions when i'm sitting across from him. i have to cry now, so i don't cry then.
the shrink was good today. she wants me to stop drinking every day. and getting out of bed when i'm not sleeping in it. or in a month, she's going to talk to me about antidepressants. and if you don't know how i feel about that, then let me tell you.
i don't want to take a happy pill. or an anti-stress pill. i just need my life to be easier so i can deal with it in healthy ways.
i was a psych major. i know the deal. and pills mask problems, and then gives you a rash of new ones. i'm not game. but i'm also not proud of the way i'm handling things now. she recommended taking ativan instead of drinking. not that she thinks either is the best option. but a pill is better than drinks plural in her eyes.
i had decided on the way there to write him a letter, and she suggested that as a good way to 'talk' to him. after reading his email, i decided not to call him tonight. because he'll manipulate me and lie, and i don't have to put up with that anymore.
the problem with ever is that i have good intentions. i didn't want to uproot him. so i let him stay. mistake. i trusted that he had leases with tenants, even when he wouldn't give me copies. i trusted that he'd stay on top of everything, because he wanted to stay in the house for two years. meanwhile, six months after that...big mistake. all because i didn't want to rock the boat any more than it was swaying from me jumping overboard.
so i'm going to write him a letter now:
dear ever, you fucking piece of shit.
this will read like a lot of other letters i've written to you in the past.
WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU THINKING?
which is it?
is it that you don't care about the money, so you're willing to let the house go?
or is it that you want more than your share because you feel like i owe you reparations?
who the fuck told you to let the house go? seriously, i want to know. because they are as insane as you are. takes one to know one?
is it your mom? who pops pills and lacks any and all coping mechanisms? is this because i left her sweet baby to fend for himself before he drilled us both into the ground?
seriously, though... are you on drugs? crack or something? because you gave me a fright at the bank the other day. you look like a hollow version of yourself. and you obviously aren't in your right mind. i'd hate to think that it's a sober brain behind the decisions you're making these days.
i'm genuinely worried about you. even though i wish i didn't, i do still care about you. i hate myself for thinking it and feeling it, much less documenting it for all posterity.
but really. are you okay? because you don't look like you are. or write like you are. or talk like you are. it's scary. should i talk to dr dug, or just leave you on your own?
i almost went to talk to him today. to tell him i'm worried about you. but i didn't. because it would show a sign of weakness. and i know that is what you'd exploit if you figured it out for yourself.
really. i hate you. honestly, i do. i hate the person you are now, who lies and takes from people who gave to you more than you will ever, in this lifetime, be able to repay to anyone ever. let alone the people who helped you the most.
you tug on people's heartstrings. my dad was genuinely disappointed that you didn't call him back to talk about the house like you said you wanted to. and telling the lawyer that you talked to him about the 'loan' is such a load of shit.
even your gestures are fucked up. my dad thought you were reaching out to him for advice. instead, you used that call to try to be your alibi.
you don't have a dad. don't abuse mine.
and don't use the fact that you don't have a dad to weasel your way in with mine. pity is a terrible thing.
your mom sucks. and mine shouldn't have sent you a christmas present, but she did, without my knowledge. and you can't even say thanks? i'll shame you, since your mother won't. shame on you. you ought to be ashamed of yourself.
but you probably just think it's because they owe it to you. for spawning a daughter that thought better than to stay with you. that'll show em.
that'll show them, alright... that i had every reason to leave you.
and what's this i hear about you having a job now? is that even true? or did you make that up to try to get out of court dates and mediation?
did you give up on your dream when you clocked in for the first time? don't you wish you'd done it when i was still around? to make me stay longer? to help the two of us survive? because it was so much easier when there were two of us. for you, anyway. i'm glad i stopped killing myself for you. for nothing. you=nothing.
fucking SPONGE.
i can't say it enough.
i don't know what your problem is. but having your head buried in the sand for the last six months doesn't mean that you can pull it out one day, and say that you've been trying all along, and that i didn't respond and that the agreement must have gotten lost in the mail.
having your head up your own ass doesn't mean that you can start taking pot shots at the way i've had to handle things since you dropped the ball. or try to claim that it was you who cleaned up the mess.
that big chip on your shoulder? where did that come from? there's no need to get all self-righteous at this point in the juncture. your actions and words show who you are. you won't be able to hide from them.
i am proud of you for manning up and getting a job. eight years later. it's about fucking time! but maybe the phrase 'too little too late' is a better fit.
that's right, ever. you bring all the cliches right out of me. it's horrible.
but not as horrible as you.
and because i want to scream it from the rooftops:
I TOLD YOU SO! i fucking TOLD you so. so suck it!
remember when you implied that you had all this extra money when i left? and when i told you not to get cocky and spend it? and when i told you to have leases for your tenants to protect you and our house? remember that? to get a security deposit, and last month's rent? remember?
because i was right. i was riiiiiiiight.
you were setting yourself up for failure.
unless this is some crazy way to make it seem like you don't collect rent. tax evasion is the best reason for people who are married to file separately. i read it online a few days ago.
either way, it isn't as easy as it looked. you couldn't even keep it up for six months. how was it unfair of me to give up after a year when there were two of us there? fuck you. half the time and you're throwing in the towel. poor ever. his wife left him all alone.
and those three lawyers? the ones you tried to scare me with this summer? what happened to them? free consultations ran out, did they? guess that you understand now why i was so quick to hand money over to one. remember when you mocked me? said i was stupid for throwing my money away. guess you should have taken a page from that book, because look who you're consulting now, loser. my lawyer. on my dime.
fuck you. i hate you. it sucks to be you, i know. but it sucks even more to have been married to you.
tea
that pretty much sums it up. there was so much more there earlier today, driving around and working my ass off. but it's all gone now. i've moved on to other issues. i'm more angry than i was today. i actually cried at the shrink for a second. about ever. about feeling worried for him and still caring for him. i shocked even myself.
my dad called to see how it went, talking to him tonight. and i had to tell him that it didn't. that it won't. because i will not give in to temptation, in an effort to save some cash, to talk to him without the lawyer. because i know he'll only try to upset me and attack me under the guise of being an excellent communicator who is overly compliant.
dad came up with a brilliant plan.
ask ever what he wants, cash wise, to sign away all of his rights to everything, and be out of the picture forever.
and i have to wonder what it's worth. what he would take. to cut and run. and at this point, as long as the house holds its value until i can sell it, that seems like the best possible idea. i will know in a week. it would make the next rash of financial and physical help my parents put into it all the more worth it. because if he doesn't bail, my dad may as well hand him half right then and there. or set fire to it. either way...
my nightcap is poured. it's funny. the way alice described an ex as the one who normalized daytime drinking for her is the way i feel about divorce normalizing drinking in general for me. the drinks are getting stronger. and they still aren't strong enough.
i made a half-joke last night to kit about substituting a glass of vodka for dinner. because i didn't feel like eating, but felt more like getting drunk.
i didn't do it. but i honestly, really, wanted to. i think of all those episodes of intervention where the people's lives are as fucked up as mine can get. and they just drink an entire bottle of something to get past it for the time being. and yes, eventually all that fucked up-edness piles up into something my life would never look like. but sometimes it all starts because of a divorce.
i stayed up chatting with nina until after midnight. about ever stuff, mostly, i guess. and when i got to the point where i wasn't sleepy at all, but had to try to make myself sleep to get up for work today, i got offline. and put on a buffy to try to sleep to.
and i was laying there. and it was 1211. and my heart started beating out of my chest. i couldn't slow it down. and those are the times that ativan was designed for.
so i took one.
and waited, heart racing, for it to kick in.
and about ten minutes later, i realized that i was calm. and upon realizing it, my heart started racing again, thinking 'wow. it worked. ten minutes. not bad... oh, wait! it isn't working, it isn't working!'
and some time after that i was asleep. and i slept until morning. which rarely happens.
it sucked. palpitations at midnight are really not fun. especially not randomly. laying in bed watching fluff on netflix.
i can't remember when now, but at some point nina asked me about the non-anonymity of blogging. about knowing who reads it controlling what is written.
and it is true. in fact, earlier that same night, at the bar with kit, i'd mentioned it.
saying that if i don't mention people, they might think that i don't care about them. i'm very conscientious of it, and i was talking specifically about a recent post. and it was the same one nina had brought up.
what we were saying was that parts of it seemed like afterthoughts. she was saying that the part i wrote about her was more like a bullet list documentation of things that happened.
and what i was trying to explain, but don't know that i did all that well, is that i was really fixated on reconnecting with brownies while i was home. i wrote so much about it in that post, that, by the time i got to the nina portion of my trip, which was only 24 hours long as opposed to four nights, i wrote a few sentences and moved on. i didn't want to exclude her from the post. but my writing energy was sapped. so i included her, and wrapped it up.
and in talking to her about it, i said that i think that i take her friendship for granted. at that point in the trip, i knew i was heading home and that my time was running out quickly. and the majority of the time i had with nina while i was home happened during those ten days when i didn't write, to write about it.
i still haven't gone back to chalk and everything that happened before reconnecting with brownies. but i think that, because i talk to her so much about every aspect of my life, i forget to give her blogger shout outs.
to balance out the ever note of hatred and loathing, i'd like to write a letter to nina. so here it goes:
dearest nina,
you are my best friend. i think that i know that you'll always be there for me. i don't expect to have some explosive breakup with you, ever, and so i go through every day hoping that i'll have an interaction with you. and knowing that you will be there for me when i need you.
like today.
getting that call from you was exactly what i needed. to not be the only person squawking about what a twisted retarded piece of shit ever is was very helpful.
you get me. you know what to say and when to say it. and because we are so close, you can read between the lines and know that something is amiss. that i need to hear something.
before this volume in my life, you helped me think outside of a shitty situation. and a few months ago, when i was in my delightful self-loathing phase, you wrote a letter to me consisting of 50 reasons why i am lovely. it made me cry in a good way, and i think that letter made me realize just how amazing a friend you are.
i wish that i could have had more time with you. i wish that i could have done better than a 24 hour trip to see you after having only a few days with you distracted by family.
sometimes i think about that letter you wrote me, talking about us being old in neighboring houses, talking about my boy crushes and sipping coffee. how, the day that you sent it, i cried and cried. because the happiness i felt reading that was so far from what i was feeling at the time.
i know that if we lived in the same town, things would be different. i'd see you everyday, and living next door to you wouldn't feel close enough. but i take so much comfort in the fact that distance doesn't factor into our friendship. i mean, it does in a literal sense. but not in how much we still communicate.
you were my first reader, my original fan. i started this blog mostly to keep you informed of what was going on in my life, because i couldn't tell you when ever was around.
and look how far i've come. i have you to thank for that.
sometimes i see you and your family, and i wish that i had your life. something that seems so far from my reach right now, and yet it makes me want it someday. even on the days when i think i'll never love again, and certainly won't find someone to procreate with before my girly parts shrivel up and fall out. your husband is awesome. your kids are two of the coolest people i have ever met. and they're going to be incredible adults someday.
you've known me through all of my shit. all of my glory. you've read just about everything i've ever written, even some journals included. you've known me through every heartbreak and you've smacked me out of my retardedness when i needed to be. and held my hand. and have listened to me cry more times that i can try to count.
when i move home, you will probably get sick of me. but until that happens, i promise to be a better friend to you. i don't know how to repay you for everything you've done for me and given me. but once i think of something as awesome as you deserve, it will be yours. with bells on.
i love you, nina. i don't know where i'd be without you. seriously. you kept my head above water until kit could come along and pull me out of the pool. and you know that i don't take drowning lightly.
i can't wait to be closer. hopefully all this shit ends soon, and i can be the happy girl on the other side that you referred to so long ago.
everything you say stays with me. sometimes i wish you wrote things out for other people to read, because you give fantastic advice. i'd kill for an ounce of your wit and charm. and your 'your mom' jokes.
i'm going to do what i said i'd do this weekend and make a funny video for your kids now.
know that i'm here for you anytime you need me. and the minutes we carve out for each other are what gets me through my day, more often than not.
thank you for never judging me. thank you for never being too far from my reach.
love,
tea
and all was right in the world again.
or, at least, better.
i meant every word i wrote tonight. and my drink is half full, so my sappiness can't be blamed on the liquor.
it's an interesting place to be in, mentally.
i feel like i'm heading for a nervous breakdown. i feel an incredible amount of pressure, complete with unreasonable deadlines, both work and personal. i feel fragile. i feel like, if i started to cry, i might not stop until tomorrow. and then, i'll think of something quirky, and i'll laugh instead, like the crazy person that i am.
'i am gonna make it...through this year...if it kills me.'
i wish the song itself was better. but the mountain goats nailed how i've been feeling for a few months now.
and now for my closing mantra. because i'm just that epic tonight. i'm partially stealing from kit here.
i will survive the next week. and at the end of it, i will still be standing.
what. the. fuck. january 9th.
so i spent as little time yesterday as possible, doing anything but something that could be deemed time well spent.
i slept in late, laid in bed until after two drinking coffee. had two cigarettes all day, and then decided to get dressed and cleaned up and go for a beer. kit joined me, it was a good finish to an otherwise lame day of laying around and doing nothing and being alone in silence.
today, i felt like i needed to make up for lost time. i was up and cleaned by 130 to go to work with kit. i had already pulled up all the things i needed to print out for court with ever. i got denied for the credit card, so i pulled my credit reports. and then my credit score.
and then vented with kit and her coworker, because my score was 763 when we bought the house. and now? 679. that's what ever is doing to me.
i went to kit's for a bit after that, digesting, then came home.
and i watched 'he loves me, he loves me not'. a delightful gem about a fucking psycho stalker. bad idea jeans. goddamn audrey tatou. hoping for a little romantic comedy. suckerpunched.
so that put me in a lovely mindset. about two thirds of the way through the movie, my phone rang.
it was ever.
ever.
he called me.
i guess seeing me made him want to get this shit over with. fancy that...
i didn't answer.
i panicked instead.
and then checked my email.
and interestingly enough, something from the lawyer.
apparently that night after the bank run in, ever went home and called my lawyer and talked to him. so today, i got an email from the lawyer telling me he'd explain it all on the phone tomorrow, but that ever wants the three of us to meet and talk and settle all the details. and put the house on the market asap.
that he doesn't want to be in the house anymore.
my mind is beyond blown.
so then my dad called about halfway through 'empire records', which was my favorite movie for a long time during high school. i took that call.
i had told mom about running into ever. so dad called asking about the weather...what else is new. and i could tell he wanted to tell me something. but i told him about running into him, and about the calls and emails today.
and he said that ever had called him.
while i was home.
on family dinner night.
out of the blue, ever called him at the house and talked to him about the blizzard, and that he wanted to talk to him about a few things. and dad was nice and polite and helpful. but then he was having a meeting and people were showing up, could he call him later that night. so dad said he'd call him back later. and when he did he never answered.
so that was interesting also. even more so, because he didn't BOTHER TO TELL ME WHILE I WAS STANDING RIGHT NEXT TO HIM. but whatever. he really wanted to talk to him and know what he was thinking. but ever never gave him the chance.
on the bright side, running away is closer than it's ever been.
i can't call him until i know what they discussed.
tomorrow will be an interesting day.
fucking awesome.
can't hardly wait.
i slept in late, laid in bed until after two drinking coffee. had two cigarettes all day, and then decided to get dressed and cleaned up and go for a beer. kit joined me, it was a good finish to an otherwise lame day of laying around and doing nothing and being alone in silence.
today, i felt like i needed to make up for lost time. i was up and cleaned by 130 to go to work with kit. i had already pulled up all the things i needed to print out for court with ever. i got denied for the credit card, so i pulled my credit reports. and then my credit score.
and then vented with kit and her coworker, because my score was 763 when we bought the house. and now? 679. that's what ever is doing to me.
i went to kit's for a bit after that, digesting, then came home.
and i watched 'he loves me, he loves me not'. a delightful gem about a fucking psycho stalker. bad idea jeans. goddamn audrey tatou. hoping for a little romantic comedy. suckerpunched.
so that put me in a lovely mindset. about two thirds of the way through the movie, my phone rang.
it was ever.
ever.
he called me.
i guess seeing me made him want to get this shit over with. fancy that...
i didn't answer.
i panicked instead.
and then checked my email.
and interestingly enough, something from the lawyer.
apparently that night after the bank run in, ever went home and called my lawyer and talked to him. so today, i got an email from the lawyer telling me he'd explain it all on the phone tomorrow, but that ever wants the three of us to meet and talk and settle all the details. and put the house on the market asap.
that he doesn't want to be in the house anymore.
my mind is beyond blown.
so then my dad called about halfway through 'empire records', which was my favorite movie for a long time during high school. i took that call.
i had told mom about running into ever. so dad called asking about the weather...what else is new. and i could tell he wanted to tell me something. but i told him about running into him, and about the calls and emails today.
and he said that ever had called him.
while i was home.
on family dinner night.
out of the blue, ever called him at the house and talked to him about the blizzard, and that he wanted to talk to him about a few things. and dad was nice and polite and helpful. but then he was having a meeting and people were showing up, could he call him later that night. so dad said he'd call him back later. and when he did he never answered.
so that was interesting also. even more so, because he didn't BOTHER TO TELL ME WHILE I WAS STANDING RIGHT NEXT TO HIM. but whatever. he really wanted to talk to him and know what he was thinking. but ever never gave him the chance.
on the bright side, running away is closer than it's ever been.
i can't call him until i know what they discussed.
tomorrow will be an interesting day.
fucking awesome.
can't hardly wait.
fishtail. january 6th.
there's a lot i haven't written yet about my trip home.
and i don't know if tonight will be the night that i make it happen, or if it will be another dark sky like thing, where there's too much to say so i say nothing and ultimately forget the details with passing time.
because i don't want to think about it or write about it before i try to sleep soon, i'll go ahead and get the ever shit out of the way.
the only aftershock really is that i'm having a hard time thinking of anything else. seeing him set me back in a way, but it also is propelling me forward and making me want to get court over with.
alice was right when she said that it took the shock of seeing him in court out of the equation. it's just preparation on a looser scale. because now i know what he will look like when i see him next.
i don't know how to prepare, but i'm going to have to write it out, because i blank out when i panic, and if there's anything going to court for work has taught me, it's to be ready. practice saying the things aloud. and don't drink too much coffee. and it will be over with. so much more time is spent worrying over it than actually being in it. which is why i wish that i could put it out of my mind until the 17th. but i won't. i'm not capable.
taxes are going to be a bitch. i tried to look at it just now, got overwhelmed and closed the window. it's going to be much harder on him, but i don't know how the house will get split according to taxes. a question for the accountants i'll see tomorrow, i suppose.
i applied for a credit card online today. it's the one i have that i closed when they jacked my apr up. i'm sure i'll get denied, but it will give me access to my credit report, which will help the court case.
i'm trying to be smart, but i don't know if i am.
i guess i'll find that out tomorrow?
as per the usual, i just want it to be over so there's nothing to think about except freedom. i can't say enough that i'm glad i'm not with him. but seeing him and not speaking makes things harder in a way. because the person i shared ten or eleven years of my life with is now someone i can't even make eye contact with.
i should have kicked him out. i'll have to explain why i didn't, i guess. and if he's not able to pay on time, then i think it will become a game of bluffs. saying i'll gladly move back in and pay things on time. and perhaps even make the offer gmac made me. if he wants out, all he has to do is tell them so. and then it's all mine. which is how it should be, all things considered. because all he seems to be capable of proving is that he isn't capable of taking care of the house or the financial end of homeownership.
saying that i warned him to prepare, saying that i requested the leases on more than one occasion, these things will probably get me nowhere. but i can say them regardless.
and i know i need to go through my emails and print them out. but looking through them right now is more than i can handle.
it's funny how strong and carefree i was in florida. and how threatened and weak and scared and hopeless i feel now.
maybe the biggest difference has been in my diet. or lack thereof.
in florida, there was too much to eat, food literally being pushed on me by both my parents and grandparents, who accused me of 'not eating enough to fill a bird'. but i ate the whole time i was home. breakfast, lunch, snacks, dinner, more snacks.
since i've been back things have gone back to a dramatic version of what they were. the day i flew in, i didn't eat until i was home and in favorite bar at about 530 pm. i had wine and crackers and peanuts on the plane. then came home and went to bed after the bar.
yesterday's craziness meant that i didn't eat until i went to the bar with alice at around 430.
and today was a slight improvement. i had a croissant at work. a few bites of my leftover burger from favorite bar. then came home and had soup because i felt funny.
it's so much easier to get busy here and not eat. or to get sick and nervous and lose my appetite.
it's fucking up my metabolism, but maybe i'll balance out soon.
something else i didn't mention was that my life is now different and changed because i became the proud owner of a new iphone while i was home, too.
long story short, i was content to wait until february to get it, but my phone starting shitting out again, and i asked the at&t store what my options were. and they said i'd have to wait until september. shit phone would definitely not make it that long and the warranty ran out today.
so, in the store mom announced her plan all along. give me the iphone my grandmother was eligible for. and buy it for me. which i wasn't for, as it was $200 i know my parents don't have right now, on top of the suitcase i had to buy to carry everything else home in. they dropped so much money on me. and had i been selfish, they would have spent even more on me. but i refused, and managed to only buy things i needed, like shoes. and beer. and a few nights out. honestly, i don't know where the money went that i took home. but i came back broke as fuck. literally $30 in my account. plus this mystery $340. i don't know where it came from, but i need to go back to the beginning of check registry time and try to figure it out. maybe tomorrow. or this weekend?
in any case, angry birds got me home on the plane. like all of my other game obsessions, this one feels inescapable. i love it. i love zoning out to it. and when i forgot my ipod for the long drive to see nina and her family, pandora played things that i hadn't heard in a long time, and a lot of new stuff i liked.
i still don't know how to use it to its fullest potential, but i am in love with it. now if i can just keep from spending too much money on it and paying for it monthly, as well as keeping from depending on it with my life, i'll be okay. but i feel it happening.
i bought angry birds. $1. totally worth it. and now that i'm back in the city, it doesn't seem like i got much use out of it, but i'll still say that the $4 i spent on star walk was also totally worth it. had it not been a foggy disaster, i would have known exactly where to look for two simultaneous meteor showers my last night in florida.
i'm still having a hard time sleeping, but that was the case even when i was home. i
i was so tired when i got home from work today at 430 that i got into bed and didn't get up until just now to have a couple cigarettes. because i don't have the energy to get back up and go back out again.
i felt tired when i was there, but i feel drained now that i'm back.
i can't believe it's already friday. and that two days off will follow a hectic day tomorrow.
i'm proud of myself for making a work to do list with kenna and knocking almost every single thing off of it yesterday. and the last pressing thing off of it today right before i left suck store.
something else i didn't address here yet is the pile of reasons for moving home. how they were all validated for me when i was home.
alice said it last night, and i guess it is a little surprising... i don't have too many friends here. kit is like 134 friends in one, because she helps me not spend time alone and not go out alone and not feel lonely even when i am alone. and i get to see alice about once a month. and ash maybe once every few months. and lauren is an awesome new friend, who i get to see every couple weeks.
but for the most part, it's crazy to have spent eight years of my life in one place, and only have a few really awesome local friends to show for it. now that i am leaving in six or so months, i have no motivation to try to make more new friends to make me happy i'm here. because i'll take it too hard when i leave.
but alice said that she didn't realize that florida is home, and that the majority of my friends are there.
what i realized, being there, is that it feels so much better to me to have ten or so people tugging at me, wanting to hang out and spend time with me, when i'm there. here, i feel like i'm the one tugging on people who are as busy or busier than i am, and who can't make time for me when i need it, more often than not. it's not fair to say it, because how can they know, if i don't tell them, that i'm having a shit day and don't want to be alone. or that i will do anything some days to not be at home alone.
since i got back, i've had a night with alice and a night with kit, but i've been happy to be alone, because i did spend so much time with everyone, all day every day, when i was home.
phila just reminds me of all the things i lost, the people who are not in my life anymore. and everyone called me crazy, saying that ever on his own is enough reason to leave this amazing city, to retreat to my hometown. because i don't think any of them thought i was being sane or realistic when i explain that everywhere i go, i think i'll see ever or his crew.
but yesterday at the bank just proved to me that i'm not crazy. that in this huge fucking place where i don't know that many people, it DOES happen. i will have to see him. and had i been there with someone, or had he been, it would have been even more awkward than it already was.
on one hand, it is refreshing to feel validated. and on the other, it feels like home can't get here fast enough. and on yet another, it makes me sad about leaving.
because i'm not in a rush to get away from the people here who mean a lot to me. but i'm in a crazy rush to get as far the fuck away from ever as possible. and all the tiny ways that his reach still touches my life, indirectly.
yeah, fuck him. i know. don't live my life in fear of him, yeah. i get it. but i didn't look over my shoulder a single time in florida. and after the run in yesterday, i feel less paranoid and insane for looking for him everywhere today. that tiny glitch in space-time has sent me into a bit of a tailspin. or maybe, more accurately, a fishtail.
i have written so much about it before. the whole piece about being on vacation and having a finite amount of time to cram in as much hanging out as possible. and being in high demand.
but i really feel like i don't have the same thing here. and i also feel like, if i only see one person a week when i'm home, i'd have years of hanging out to do there. and here, i can go for weeks without having more than a few beers with a couple people.
the line i'll have to walk carefully when i go home is the pattern i'm trying to escape. being on my own there is easier, because i'm never really alone. if i wanted, i could see my family if i needed to. mom hugs are so underrated. having them several times a day when i felt like i wanted one was amazing. kissing my mom's cheek and telling her that i love her. or just being tired in the kitchen when she walked in was all the excuse i needed to walk up to her and hug her for a solid sixty seconds.
the pattern is the one where i was never alone. never on my own. always with someone. always being tugged on and tugging on others.
i'll have to be careful to strike a balance. i don't have to do that on vacation. but i will have to do that in real life.
and in contrast to my life here, that will probably be the biggest thing i have to face when i go. because i will probably have offers to do things. and i'll have to turn them down sometimes, to feel like i'm not cheating at being single and living on my own.
having brownies there was really one of the most exciting aspects of my visit.
seeing nina is something i probably take for granted. and when her trip to hometown was cut short, i realized that. and that's why i drove to see her when i knew for a fact that i hadn't had my fill yet.
but i had three different times where i hung out with brownies. it was the first trip home since we've become more involved in each others' lives, and we just had fun. there was no weirdness about patching things over. it was just pure fun.
the first night we hung out was the mini reunion with nina, while she was still there.
and getting to hang out with her was a nightmare of missed connections and hassles caused mostly by my family. but once we finally got into the same room with her, we were all wiped out. and talked and ate.
it was the second time we hung out when it was just the two of us, doing things we used to do. and we made fun of ourselves for trying to recapture our youth, our single years, before ever came along, and before she started dating a couple different people; the time when we no longer hung out. the years between then and now, when neither of us went out drinking and dancing.
we had dinner together before going out dancing.
the place we picked was actually pretty cool, as far as something different to do in hometown that isn't a chain restaurant. it was a very earthy place, that had vegan and vegetarian stuff, and a long list of beers on hand.
we caught up, talking about our christmases. and then went back to her place. her boyfriend was out of town, and she'd invited me to stay over in the guest room after our night on the town.
her place was amazing. the most recent case of house envy. i am mostly sure i mentioned it before, but it was just beautiful. and the proximity to downtown was so appealing, it just sealed it.
and when we went out, we had so much fun. getting there was hilarious. we were both hungry, she hadn't eaten all day. so our dinner at 630 was super early as preparation for going out. we went back to her place to have drinks and talk and kill time before it was acceptable to go to the club. and we talked so much that time flew, and we were both getting ready, and then we were freezing our asses off to not bring our coats into the club, running through the main streets downtown.
we walked into our old favorite club, where we spent every single friday night for the better part of at least a year, maybe more. and it was a tuesday, so it was very different. but at the same time, being there with her felt very nostalgic on both of our parts.
it took a couple beers to inch closer to the dance floor. and i think it was probably beer number three when we actually started dancing.
the thing that was funny is that, when we walked in, the dance floor was already packed. i remember the way it was, where it took at least an hour of being there to feel like everyone wasn't staring at us because we would be the only people dancing.
and with our first drink in hand, i started counting boys i'd go home with. seriously. literally. calling out numbers aloud every time a hot guy would pass by or stand near us. i could not get over it. the place was crawling with them. all these boys who were right up my alley.
and we laughed about it, and i kept counting all night. i was definitely swervy by the time we left at the end of the night. maybe drunk, but maybe not. definitely not carry-me-to-the-car drunk like the last time i was there this summer. but when i left, i'd lost count somewhere near the 23 hot boys mark.
i just couldn't believe it. i'm lucky to see one boy here, when i'm out. and i'd never run those odds to say something to him here. there are so many hotter girls standing around me.
but there? there were all types of girls. and all types of guys. and if i talked to every single one of them, the odds are pretty good that one would have given me the time of day.
it was incredible.
it gave me hope. being single there has to be easier than it is here. even if the tradeoff is being in a room with a bunch of the same guys every time i go out.
we made it back to her place with relative ease, and stayed up after 4 watching viral videos on youtube. she didn't know anything i reference, so i made her watch all of my absolute favorites. we laughed until it hurt. we laughed until we cried. we drank water and went to bed after that.
i woke up in the morning and had coffee. we talked for a while before i headed to my grandparents house.
the fourth time we hung out was on new years. the last new years i spent with brownies was pretty epic. it was the new years of 2000, saying goodbye to 1999, when everyone was afraid that the electronic world would implode. we spent it at a club in her sister's city, where drinks were free. it was the last new years before ever came along and i started spending them with him.
more than anything, i wanted to have a fun night, spent in a safe place, not having to drive around with a million drunk people. i got the guest room again, and met her boyfriend and a friend of hers from work.
they were both awesome. we all talked as much as each other, and every one of us was funny in our own right. and we spent the night cracking each other up. having mojitos and beers, and playing games until the ball dropped.
it was super fun, and after a champagne toast at midnight, we took the sparklers my mom had sent me over with, and started lighting them in front of her house, and watching fireworks that her neighbors were setting off.
around two, we were starting to hit the wall. i'd impressed even myself by drinking a glass of water between every drink i had, and managed to not get drunk at all. i guess i was probably a little tipsy, but they'd made a fantastic dinner for us, so it all kinda balanced out for me.
we talked and played games until maybe 3, and we went to bed. i was leaving from there in the morning, and sent a text to the writer on his pacific coast, telling him happy new year. he was the only person i knew would be awake at 330 in the morning. and it took a while for me to fall asleep, but when i woke up, i had some coffee and talked to brownies and then left for nina's.
it just felt great. like a mature version, a grownup version, of the friendship we used to have. and the days are already getting mixed up for me, but i had another night out with her, the third night. she came to our house to talk for a while, and then we wanted to talk about stories better told in bars and away from parents, so we went to the alehouse, and talked. for four hours. it was amazing.
there's something about the way we talk to each other. even when we're talking about things that aren't funny, we have a way of telling them so that we're cracking each other up. and having four hours of that gets to feel almost unhealthily fun. like, is it possible to feel so good for so long, just from laughing and crying and laughing some more?
it also is in contrast to how i feel about talking to kit. i feel like debbie downer the majority of the time when i talk to her. our friendship is so much more serious. i mean, we have a ton of jokes that crack us up to tears. but i feel like i confide in her more than just tell stories, because we know most of each others' funny stories.
and i do a great job of talking to nina on a daily basis, but it's usually on chat, and though we crack each other up all the time, it's different in text form.
i love that i have different types of friends. and i guess the novelty of brownies is that i forgot what kind of friendship we used to have before she spent hours consoling me and handing me tissues when ever would dick out while we were dating. and before brownies and i stopped making each other laugh.
she told me this story that night, that i didn't remember at all. it was the last time we saw each other, ten years ago. she came to the house, probably after work one day. she asked if she could come by and i told her she could. i was watching tv on the couch, and she came in and i didn't move or look away from the tv. so she left.
i completely ignored her.
i can be such a wicked bitch when i want to be. and i felt awful hearing that i did that to her, even though it was like ten years ago. that i could have been so cold and mean to her. but that just goes to show where i was in my life at that time. and she said i had a ring on my finger, so i guess i didn't bother to mention that i was engaged and getting married either.
in any case, it was a fantastic reconnection, and there aren't words for how happy i am to have her back in my life.
and from her place on new years day, i rode the wave of awesomeness to nina's house. i was welcomed by scootering kids and a smiling couple. it was great. it was new years day and 80 degrees out, so we did what people in florida do on a warm new years day: we went to the beach.
i still can't believe it. i have been bragging about it since i got back, because of how bitter and cold it was here while i was away.
usually when i visit nina, it's just the two of us, with a little bit of kid overlapping time. and then we talk and hang out and have a drink or two and go to sleep.
but i had decided to stay the night, and got in at around 3 i think, so we had a lot of time. and the whole family hung out. it was really sweet. everyone was happy at the beach until it got cool. and we all realized simultaneously that we weren't dressed for sunset on the beach, and we were all pretty cold. so we packed the kids up and took our sandy selves out to dinner.
it was really nice to be out with a young awesome family, with adorable and smart kids, and a funny husband. and my nina. enough said...
then we drove home and tucked the kids in. for the past couple visits, i've read her daughter a story. which is something i never do. last time, it was in the kids section of a barnes and noble. this time, it was a funny story about a pig who wanted to be kosher. and what i couldn't get over was how snuggly she was. and how, within two minutes of turning out the light, she was fast asleep.
we visited with her son a little, and then got ready and went out for our version of a night on the town in a sleepy beach city. we went to a target to shop before going to the bar. and it was deserted. literally, there were maybe ten people shopping there the same time we were. and it was only 8 on a saturday night. it would have been a madhouse in phila. but it was hauntingly quiet.
and then we went to a kickass bar that had about 30 beers on draught. they had my favorite, golden monkey, on tap. so we each got one.
and because we were thirsty, we drank them a little too fast, and got a little tipsy right off the bat.
we were playing scrabble slam until the drunken texting started. we talked for a while before deciding to have a second beer. but we made another excellent choice, a hefeweizen, served in ginormous traditional glasses.
it was fun, we were being silly and talking to random people who were also hanging out there. i was talking about moving and my ideas, about my trip so far. things with nina are always very organic and we don't usually run out of things to say. i appreciate her for allowing me to be myself, and to say what i mean. and that she doesn't judge me, and gives great advice.
we had a lot of fun. so much fun, in fact, that a cute boy started talking to us. he was with a girl which kinda surprised us at first. until he explained that it was his sister. we were sitting at a picnic table around a bonfire, behind the bar. which was awesome. until the smoke started following us. he pointed it out, and when we changed tables, it followed us there, too. we smelled like fire, and had ash in our hair and in our beers.
eventually we moved away from them and from the fire. and they said goodbye when they walked in past us. but didn't leave. only i didn't know that.
so imagine my surprise, in a place that i have only spent maybe six days of my entire life in, when a boy called my name as i was ordering the hefes. it was the bonfire boy and his sister. while the bartender poured our beers, i turned to see who knew my name, and walked over to their table.
he asked if he could ask me a question. and in my own head, i told myself, 'you've got game. don't blow it.' because i thought something was about to happen. nina and i had decided that his sister was his wingman, and that he was out and testing the waters.
and what he asked me kinda blew my mind a little.
he said, 'can i ask you a question?'
i said, 'sure.'
he asked, 'are you and nina lovers?'
as i admitted previously, i was already drunk. and i think my reaction was to laugh, and start explaining in slurry words, that no, we were best friends, and have been since the fourth grade. that her mom was my elementary school art teacher and a bit of our history. sober, i don't know why on earth i needed to explain so much to him, but i guess i was overcompensating for my heterosexuality by supplying a ridiculous amount to detail to my explanation.
i stood talking to them for a minute. he asked if i lived there, how long was i in town for, all the things you'd ask a girl and say to a girl if you were trying to have a one off with her before she left town.
i've realized lately that i get chatty when i am tipsy or drunk, and i didn't even bother to ask him if he was in town or if he lived there, how long he was around for, etc. i did all the talking.
i told him that nina lives there with her husband and kids, and that i was leaving in the morning.
nipped it in the bud. but i still don't know why. nina had offered to be my wingman before we even met him, and he was really cute and friendly.
but i ended the conversation abruptly, and got our beers and carried them outside. and told nina what was said. and she egged me on, 'go back inside - ask them to play a game with us.'
and i wouldn't. then i decided to, but when i went back inside, they were gone.
i lied. i'll bundle up at 10 to have a smoke. why wouldn't i?
i'm not done yet. i guess that's why.
i've been dying to write for weeks now. and i guess that i am just running with it. as can be determined from the sheer volume of this post. two weeks worth of blathering in one post. sorry for that.
maybe i should break it up into chapters.
no. too lazy...
so another thing was that kit was at home for christmas while i was. and it was strange to not talk to her the majority of the time i was home. the day i got my iphone we talked for an hour while i was waiting for brownies. we were both getting sad about my moving and talked mostly about our trips home to that point. she was back in phila by then, and it seemed crazy to me that it was the first chance i had to really catch up with her. more than anything, i wished she was there with me, because we had a retarded amount of fun when she came home with me that summer. i talked to her for a while on new years eve, too. my mom was looking for a last minute ticket for her, because my family missed her, too.
and then i realize that i haven't written about my little chunk of time with chalk.
i honestly don't feel like writing about it now, which is pretty par for the course about how i feel towards him.
i'd much rather end this with a note about coffee. or the total lack thereof.
i would be lying if i said i didn't miss knowing he was there. and even more so than that, i was afraid i'd be so much less excited about my trip home in general, not having him to look forward to running into. nearly positive i butchered grammar in that sentence. it was awesome to be able to eat because he wasn't there to be nervous about. and had i done what i'd intended and gone out alone one night while i was home, i'm sure the coffee-shaped void would have felt abysmal.
but all said and done, i'm glad he's gone. my crush on him is a failsafe that no longer exists. it's one less thing to obsess about and think about and worry about. he's one less boy to crush on.
and i am being honest when i say that moving home is all the more appealing because i don't have unsaid things and unfinished business with him to keep me up at night.
i only thought of him a couple times when i was there, which is a major improvement. the last trip home, i was counting days until i saw him, and then looking for him anytime i was out, and making future plans to see him again each time.
i guess it has finally sunk in. i guess i'm actually really finally over him.
and deleting him from my fb friends while i was there just seals it. it was a big deal to make myself do it. i should have done it a long time ago.
he is officially out of my system.
and i'm happy about it. and proud of it. i have overcome a lot. and he is probably the biggest thing i had to overcome, as far as hometown is concerned.
i still didn't write out my resolutions. maybe tomorrow. in volume two...
and i don't know if tonight will be the night that i make it happen, or if it will be another dark sky like thing, where there's too much to say so i say nothing and ultimately forget the details with passing time.
because i don't want to think about it or write about it before i try to sleep soon, i'll go ahead and get the ever shit out of the way.
the only aftershock really is that i'm having a hard time thinking of anything else. seeing him set me back in a way, but it also is propelling me forward and making me want to get court over with.
alice was right when she said that it took the shock of seeing him in court out of the equation. it's just preparation on a looser scale. because now i know what he will look like when i see him next.
i don't know how to prepare, but i'm going to have to write it out, because i blank out when i panic, and if there's anything going to court for work has taught me, it's to be ready. practice saying the things aloud. and don't drink too much coffee. and it will be over with. so much more time is spent worrying over it than actually being in it. which is why i wish that i could put it out of my mind until the 17th. but i won't. i'm not capable.
taxes are going to be a bitch. i tried to look at it just now, got overwhelmed and closed the window. it's going to be much harder on him, but i don't know how the house will get split according to taxes. a question for the accountants i'll see tomorrow, i suppose.
i applied for a credit card online today. it's the one i have that i closed when they jacked my apr up. i'm sure i'll get denied, but it will give me access to my credit report, which will help the court case.
i'm trying to be smart, but i don't know if i am.
i guess i'll find that out tomorrow?
as per the usual, i just want it to be over so there's nothing to think about except freedom. i can't say enough that i'm glad i'm not with him. but seeing him and not speaking makes things harder in a way. because the person i shared ten or eleven years of my life with is now someone i can't even make eye contact with.
i should have kicked him out. i'll have to explain why i didn't, i guess. and if he's not able to pay on time, then i think it will become a game of bluffs. saying i'll gladly move back in and pay things on time. and perhaps even make the offer gmac made me. if he wants out, all he has to do is tell them so. and then it's all mine. which is how it should be, all things considered. because all he seems to be capable of proving is that he isn't capable of taking care of the house or the financial end of homeownership.
saying that i warned him to prepare, saying that i requested the leases on more than one occasion, these things will probably get me nowhere. but i can say them regardless.
and i know i need to go through my emails and print them out. but looking through them right now is more than i can handle.
it's funny how strong and carefree i was in florida. and how threatened and weak and scared and hopeless i feel now.
maybe the biggest difference has been in my diet. or lack thereof.
in florida, there was too much to eat, food literally being pushed on me by both my parents and grandparents, who accused me of 'not eating enough to fill a bird'. but i ate the whole time i was home. breakfast, lunch, snacks, dinner, more snacks.
since i've been back things have gone back to a dramatic version of what they were. the day i flew in, i didn't eat until i was home and in favorite bar at about 530 pm. i had wine and crackers and peanuts on the plane. then came home and went to bed after the bar.
yesterday's craziness meant that i didn't eat until i went to the bar with alice at around 430.
and today was a slight improvement. i had a croissant at work. a few bites of my leftover burger from favorite bar. then came home and had soup because i felt funny.
it's so much easier to get busy here and not eat. or to get sick and nervous and lose my appetite.
it's fucking up my metabolism, but maybe i'll balance out soon.
something else i didn't mention was that my life is now different and changed because i became the proud owner of a new iphone while i was home, too.
long story short, i was content to wait until february to get it, but my phone starting shitting out again, and i asked the at&t store what my options were. and they said i'd have to wait until september. shit phone would definitely not make it that long and the warranty ran out today.
so, in the store mom announced her plan all along. give me the iphone my grandmother was eligible for. and buy it for me. which i wasn't for, as it was $200 i know my parents don't have right now, on top of the suitcase i had to buy to carry everything else home in. they dropped so much money on me. and had i been selfish, they would have spent even more on me. but i refused, and managed to only buy things i needed, like shoes. and beer. and a few nights out. honestly, i don't know where the money went that i took home. but i came back broke as fuck. literally $30 in my account. plus this mystery $340. i don't know where it came from, but i need to go back to the beginning of check registry time and try to figure it out. maybe tomorrow. or this weekend?
in any case, angry birds got me home on the plane. like all of my other game obsessions, this one feels inescapable. i love it. i love zoning out to it. and when i forgot my ipod for the long drive to see nina and her family, pandora played things that i hadn't heard in a long time, and a lot of new stuff i liked.
i still don't know how to use it to its fullest potential, but i am in love with it. now if i can just keep from spending too much money on it and paying for it monthly, as well as keeping from depending on it with my life, i'll be okay. but i feel it happening.
i bought angry birds. $1. totally worth it. and now that i'm back in the city, it doesn't seem like i got much use out of it, but i'll still say that the $4 i spent on star walk was also totally worth it. had it not been a foggy disaster, i would have known exactly where to look for two simultaneous meteor showers my last night in florida.
i'm still having a hard time sleeping, but that was the case even when i was home. i
i was so tired when i got home from work today at 430 that i got into bed and didn't get up until just now to have a couple cigarettes. because i don't have the energy to get back up and go back out again.
i felt tired when i was there, but i feel drained now that i'm back.
i can't believe it's already friday. and that two days off will follow a hectic day tomorrow.
i'm proud of myself for making a work to do list with kenna and knocking almost every single thing off of it yesterday. and the last pressing thing off of it today right before i left suck store.
something else i didn't address here yet is the pile of reasons for moving home. how they were all validated for me when i was home.
alice said it last night, and i guess it is a little surprising... i don't have too many friends here. kit is like 134 friends in one, because she helps me not spend time alone and not go out alone and not feel lonely even when i am alone. and i get to see alice about once a month. and ash maybe once every few months. and lauren is an awesome new friend, who i get to see every couple weeks.
but for the most part, it's crazy to have spent eight years of my life in one place, and only have a few really awesome local friends to show for it. now that i am leaving in six or so months, i have no motivation to try to make more new friends to make me happy i'm here. because i'll take it too hard when i leave.
but alice said that she didn't realize that florida is home, and that the majority of my friends are there.
what i realized, being there, is that it feels so much better to me to have ten or so people tugging at me, wanting to hang out and spend time with me, when i'm there. here, i feel like i'm the one tugging on people who are as busy or busier than i am, and who can't make time for me when i need it, more often than not. it's not fair to say it, because how can they know, if i don't tell them, that i'm having a shit day and don't want to be alone. or that i will do anything some days to not be at home alone.
since i got back, i've had a night with alice and a night with kit, but i've been happy to be alone, because i did spend so much time with everyone, all day every day, when i was home.
phila just reminds me of all the things i lost, the people who are not in my life anymore. and everyone called me crazy, saying that ever on his own is enough reason to leave this amazing city, to retreat to my hometown. because i don't think any of them thought i was being sane or realistic when i explain that everywhere i go, i think i'll see ever or his crew.
but yesterday at the bank just proved to me that i'm not crazy. that in this huge fucking place where i don't know that many people, it DOES happen. i will have to see him. and had i been there with someone, or had he been, it would have been even more awkward than it already was.
on one hand, it is refreshing to feel validated. and on the other, it feels like home can't get here fast enough. and on yet another, it makes me sad about leaving.
because i'm not in a rush to get away from the people here who mean a lot to me. but i'm in a crazy rush to get as far the fuck away from ever as possible. and all the tiny ways that his reach still touches my life, indirectly.
yeah, fuck him. i know. don't live my life in fear of him, yeah. i get it. but i didn't look over my shoulder a single time in florida. and after the run in yesterday, i feel less paranoid and insane for looking for him everywhere today. that tiny glitch in space-time has sent me into a bit of a tailspin. or maybe, more accurately, a fishtail.
i have written so much about it before. the whole piece about being on vacation and having a finite amount of time to cram in as much hanging out as possible. and being in high demand.
but i really feel like i don't have the same thing here. and i also feel like, if i only see one person a week when i'm home, i'd have years of hanging out to do there. and here, i can go for weeks without having more than a few beers with a couple people.
the line i'll have to walk carefully when i go home is the pattern i'm trying to escape. being on my own there is easier, because i'm never really alone. if i wanted, i could see my family if i needed to. mom hugs are so underrated. having them several times a day when i felt like i wanted one was amazing. kissing my mom's cheek and telling her that i love her. or just being tired in the kitchen when she walked in was all the excuse i needed to walk up to her and hug her for a solid sixty seconds.
the pattern is the one where i was never alone. never on my own. always with someone. always being tugged on and tugging on others.
i'll have to be careful to strike a balance. i don't have to do that on vacation. but i will have to do that in real life.
and in contrast to my life here, that will probably be the biggest thing i have to face when i go. because i will probably have offers to do things. and i'll have to turn them down sometimes, to feel like i'm not cheating at being single and living on my own.
having brownies there was really one of the most exciting aspects of my visit.
seeing nina is something i probably take for granted. and when her trip to hometown was cut short, i realized that. and that's why i drove to see her when i knew for a fact that i hadn't had my fill yet.
but i had three different times where i hung out with brownies. it was the first trip home since we've become more involved in each others' lives, and we just had fun. there was no weirdness about patching things over. it was just pure fun.
the first night we hung out was the mini reunion with nina, while she was still there.
and getting to hang out with her was a nightmare of missed connections and hassles caused mostly by my family. but once we finally got into the same room with her, we were all wiped out. and talked and ate.
it was the second time we hung out when it was just the two of us, doing things we used to do. and we made fun of ourselves for trying to recapture our youth, our single years, before ever came along, and before she started dating a couple different people; the time when we no longer hung out. the years between then and now, when neither of us went out drinking and dancing.
we had dinner together before going out dancing.
the place we picked was actually pretty cool, as far as something different to do in hometown that isn't a chain restaurant. it was a very earthy place, that had vegan and vegetarian stuff, and a long list of beers on hand.
we caught up, talking about our christmases. and then went back to her place. her boyfriend was out of town, and she'd invited me to stay over in the guest room after our night on the town.
her place was amazing. the most recent case of house envy. i am mostly sure i mentioned it before, but it was just beautiful. and the proximity to downtown was so appealing, it just sealed it.
and when we went out, we had so much fun. getting there was hilarious. we were both hungry, she hadn't eaten all day. so our dinner at 630 was super early as preparation for going out. we went back to her place to have drinks and talk and kill time before it was acceptable to go to the club. and we talked so much that time flew, and we were both getting ready, and then we were freezing our asses off to not bring our coats into the club, running through the main streets downtown.
we walked into our old favorite club, where we spent every single friday night for the better part of at least a year, maybe more. and it was a tuesday, so it was very different. but at the same time, being there with her felt very nostalgic on both of our parts.
it took a couple beers to inch closer to the dance floor. and i think it was probably beer number three when we actually started dancing.
the thing that was funny is that, when we walked in, the dance floor was already packed. i remember the way it was, where it took at least an hour of being there to feel like everyone wasn't staring at us because we would be the only people dancing.
and with our first drink in hand, i started counting boys i'd go home with. seriously. literally. calling out numbers aloud every time a hot guy would pass by or stand near us. i could not get over it. the place was crawling with them. all these boys who were right up my alley.
and we laughed about it, and i kept counting all night. i was definitely swervy by the time we left at the end of the night. maybe drunk, but maybe not. definitely not carry-me-to-the-car drunk like the last time i was there this summer. but when i left, i'd lost count somewhere near the 23 hot boys mark.
i just couldn't believe it. i'm lucky to see one boy here, when i'm out. and i'd never run those odds to say something to him here. there are so many hotter girls standing around me.
but there? there were all types of girls. and all types of guys. and if i talked to every single one of them, the odds are pretty good that one would have given me the time of day.
it was incredible.
it gave me hope. being single there has to be easier than it is here. even if the tradeoff is being in a room with a bunch of the same guys every time i go out.
we made it back to her place with relative ease, and stayed up after 4 watching viral videos on youtube. she didn't know anything i reference, so i made her watch all of my absolute favorites. we laughed until it hurt. we laughed until we cried. we drank water and went to bed after that.
i woke up in the morning and had coffee. we talked for a while before i headed to my grandparents house.
the fourth time we hung out was on new years. the last new years i spent with brownies was pretty epic. it was the new years of 2000, saying goodbye to 1999, when everyone was afraid that the electronic world would implode. we spent it at a club in her sister's city, where drinks were free. it was the last new years before ever came along and i started spending them with him.
more than anything, i wanted to have a fun night, spent in a safe place, not having to drive around with a million drunk people. i got the guest room again, and met her boyfriend and a friend of hers from work.
they were both awesome. we all talked as much as each other, and every one of us was funny in our own right. and we spent the night cracking each other up. having mojitos and beers, and playing games until the ball dropped.
it was super fun, and after a champagne toast at midnight, we took the sparklers my mom had sent me over with, and started lighting them in front of her house, and watching fireworks that her neighbors were setting off.
around two, we were starting to hit the wall. i'd impressed even myself by drinking a glass of water between every drink i had, and managed to not get drunk at all. i guess i was probably a little tipsy, but they'd made a fantastic dinner for us, so it all kinda balanced out for me.
we talked and played games until maybe 3, and we went to bed. i was leaving from there in the morning, and sent a text to the writer on his pacific coast, telling him happy new year. he was the only person i knew would be awake at 330 in the morning. and it took a while for me to fall asleep, but when i woke up, i had some coffee and talked to brownies and then left for nina's.
it just felt great. like a mature version, a grownup version, of the friendship we used to have. and the days are already getting mixed up for me, but i had another night out with her, the third night. she came to our house to talk for a while, and then we wanted to talk about stories better told in bars and away from parents, so we went to the alehouse, and talked. for four hours. it was amazing.
there's something about the way we talk to each other. even when we're talking about things that aren't funny, we have a way of telling them so that we're cracking each other up. and having four hours of that gets to feel almost unhealthily fun. like, is it possible to feel so good for so long, just from laughing and crying and laughing some more?
it also is in contrast to how i feel about talking to kit. i feel like debbie downer the majority of the time when i talk to her. our friendship is so much more serious. i mean, we have a ton of jokes that crack us up to tears. but i feel like i confide in her more than just tell stories, because we know most of each others' funny stories.
and i do a great job of talking to nina on a daily basis, but it's usually on chat, and though we crack each other up all the time, it's different in text form.
i love that i have different types of friends. and i guess the novelty of brownies is that i forgot what kind of friendship we used to have before she spent hours consoling me and handing me tissues when ever would dick out while we were dating. and before brownies and i stopped making each other laugh.
she told me this story that night, that i didn't remember at all. it was the last time we saw each other, ten years ago. she came to the house, probably after work one day. she asked if she could come by and i told her she could. i was watching tv on the couch, and she came in and i didn't move or look away from the tv. so she left.
i completely ignored her.
i can be such a wicked bitch when i want to be. and i felt awful hearing that i did that to her, even though it was like ten years ago. that i could have been so cold and mean to her. but that just goes to show where i was in my life at that time. and she said i had a ring on my finger, so i guess i didn't bother to mention that i was engaged and getting married either.
in any case, it was a fantastic reconnection, and there aren't words for how happy i am to have her back in my life.
and from her place on new years day, i rode the wave of awesomeness to nina's house. i was welcomed by scootering kids and a smiling couple. it was great. it was new years day and 80 degrees out, so we did what people in florida do on a warm new years day: we went to the beach.
i still can't believe it. i have been bragging about it since i got back, because of how bitter and cold it was here while i was away.
usually when i visit nina, it's just the two of us, with a little bit of kid overlapping time. and then we talk and hang out and have a drink or two and go to sleep.
but i had decided to stay the night, and got in at around 3 i think, so we had a lot of time. and the whole family hung out. it was really sweet. everyone was happy at the beach until it got cool. and we all realized simultaneously that we weren't dressed for sunset on the beach, and we were all pretty cold. so we packed the kids up and took our sandy selves out to dinner.
it was really nice to be out with a young awesome family, with adorable and smart kids, and a funny husband. and my nina. enough said...
then we drove home and tucked the kids in. for the past couple visits, i've read her daughter a story. which is something i never do. last time, it was in the kids section of a barnes and noble. this time, it was a funny story about a pig who wanted to be kosher. and what i couldn't get over was how snuggly she was. and how, within two minutes of turning out the light, she was fast asleep.
we visited with her son a little, and then got ready and went out for our version of a night on the town in a sleepy beach city. we went to a target to shop before going to the bar. and it was deserted. literally, there were maybe ten people shopping there the same time we were. and it was only 8 on a saturday night. it would have been a madhouse in phila. but it was hauntingly quiet.
and then we went to a kickass bar that had about 30 beers on draught. they had my favorite, golden monkey, on tap. so we each got one.
and because we were thirsty, we drank them a little too fast, and got a little tipsy right off the bat.
we were playing scrabble slam until the drunken texting started. we talked for a while before deciding to have a second beer. but we made another excellent choice, a hefeweizen, served in ginormous traditional glasses.
it was fun, we were being silly and talking to random people who were also hanging out there. i was talking about moving and my ideas, about my trip so far. things with nina are always very organic and we don't usually run out of things to say. i appreciate her for allowing me to be myself, and to say what i mean. and that she doesn't judge me, and gives great advice.
we had a lot of fun. so much fun, in fact, that a cute boy started talking to us. he was with a girl which kinda surprised us at first. until he explained that it was his sister. we were sitting at a picnic table around a bonfire, behind the bar. which was awesome. until the smoke started following us. he pointed it out, and when we changed tables, it followed us there, too. we smelled like fire, and had ash in our hair and in our beers.
eventually we moved away from them and from the fire. and they said goodbye when they walked in past us. but didn't leave. only i didn't know that.
so imagine my surprise, in a place that i have only spent maybe six days of my entire life in, when a boy called my name as i was ordering the hefes. it was the bonfire boy and his sister. while the bartender poured our beers, i turned to see who knew my name, and walked over to their table.
he asked if he could ask me a question. and in my own head, i told myself, 'you've got game. don't blow it.' because i thought something was about to happen. nina and i had decided that his sister was his wingman, and that he was out and testing the waters.
and what he asked me kinda blew my mind a little.
he said, 'can i ask you a question?'
i said, 'sure.'
he asked, 'are you and nina lovers?'
as i admitted previously, i was already drunk. and i think my reaction was to laugh, and start explaining in slurry words, that no, we were best friends, and have been since the fourth grade. that her mom was my elementary school art teacher and a bit of our history. sober, i don't know why on earth i needed to explain so much to him, but i guess i was overcompensating for my heterosexuality by supplying a ridiculous amount to detail to my explanation.
i stood talking to them for a minute. he asked if i lived there, how long was i in town for, all the things you'd ask a girl and say to a girl if you were trying to have a one off with her before she left town.
i've realized lately that i get chatty when i am tipsy or drunk, and i didn't even bother to ask him if he was in town or if he lived there, how long he was around for, etc. i did all the talking.
i told him that nina lives there with her husband and kids, and that i was leaving in the morning.
nipped it in the bud. but i still don't know why. nina had offered to be my wingman before we even met him, and he was really cute and friendly.
but i ended the conversation abruptly, and got our beers and carried them outside. and told nina what was said. and she egged me on, 'go back inside - ask them to play a game with us.'
and i wouldn't. then i decided to, but when i went back inside, they were gone.
i lied. i'll bundle up at 10 to have a smoke. why wouldn't i?
i'm not done yet. i guess that's why.
i've been dying to write for weeks now. and i guess that i am just running with it. as can be determined from the sheer volume of this post. two weeks worth of blathering in one post. sorry for that.
maybe i should break it up into chapters.
no. too lazy...
so another thing was that kit was at home for christmas while i was. and it was strange to not talk to her the majority of the time i was home. the day i got my iphone we talked for an hour while i was waiting for brownies. we were both getting sad about my moving and talked mostly about our trips home to that point. she was back in phila by then, and it seemed crazy to me that it was the first chance i had to really catch up with her. more than anything, i wished she was there with me, because we had a retarded amount of fun when she came home with me that summer. i talked to her for a while on new years eve, too. my mom was looking for a last minute ticket for her, because my family missed her, too.
and then i realize that i haven't written about my little chunk of time with chalk.
i honestly don't feel like writing about it now, which is pretty par for the course about how i feel towards him.
i'd much rather end this with a note about coffee. or the total lack thereof.
i would be lying if i said i didn't miss knowing he was there. and even more so than that, i was afraid i'd be so much less excited about my trip home in general, not having him to look forward to running into. nearly positive i butchered grammar in that sentence. it was awesome to be able to eat because he wasn't there to be nervous about. and had i done what i'd intended and gone out alone one night while i was home, i'm sure the coffee-shaped void would have felt abysmal.
but all said and done, i'm glad he's gone. my crush on him is a failsafe that no longer exists. it's one less thing to obsess about and think about and worry about. he's one less boy to crush on.
and i am being honest when i say that moving home is all the more appealing because i don't have unsaid things and unfinished business with him to keep me up at night.
i only thought of him a couple times when i was there, which is a major improvement. the last trip home, i was counting days until i saw him, and then looking for him anytime i was out, and making future plans to see him again each time.
i guess it has finally sunk in. i guess i'm actually really finally over him.
and deleting him from my fb friends while i was there just seals it. it was a big deal to make myself do it. i should have done it a long time ago.
he is officially out of my system.
and i'm happy about it. and proud of it. i have overcome a lot. and he is probably the biggest thing i had to overcome, as far as hometown is concerned.
i still didn't write out my resolutions. maybe tomorrow. in volume two...
in a city so big... january 5th.
first of all, happy new year.
2011 has to be better than 2010.
that being said, i'm off to a rocky start.
by some miracle, i didn't cry when i left florida.
i didn't cry when i hugged my grandparents goodbye. when i thought, please don't die while i'm gone.
i didn't cry on the way to the airport. when i thought, i don't want to get out of this car. and i certainly don't want to get on a plane back to my problems i tried to run away from.
i didn't cry when i said goodbye to my parents. and i didn't cry when i said goodbye to my sister.
what saved me was the fact that i know, when i see them next in that place, i won't be leaving for a life somewhere else. when i fly away the next time, from there, it will be to go on an adventure. a trip. a vacation from that life.
today i hit the ground running. and it was a crazy day. i had to collect things for work - two weeks worth of paperwork from each store, ten days of deposits from suck store, and talking to kenna about all of it.
so i left from my store after busting my employees for lying to me. thanks to fb, i knew they were lying, which is why i unfriended them while i was in florida. it came back to me through the rumor mill (aka kim and pam at my store), and i called them out on it.
i biked in today, forgetting that hats over wet hair and mittens over exposed hands are always a good idea when biking in phila. i got to work freezing, handled all of that, and left at around one to go home for my car.
suck store was fine, but i forgot half of what i went there for. and i drove the bank on my way home.
let me frame this by explaining how into happenstances i am. i fully appreciate tiny intricacies that are required to have a one minute interaction with people. or the decision i made somewhere in my afternoon that puts me a few carlengths from an accident.
so i think it's pretty fucking funny that i was walking into a branch that i have literally gone to only once in the past few months. there was a sign on the door that said they'd be closed on january 17th. and i literally thought, 'man. the day before the hearing with ever.' and walked into the counter inside the door to fill out deposit tickets.
there was this little old lady standing at the corner where the counter meets the first teller window. her perfume was insane. super floral old lady perfume. just awful. she walked away, and i looked up. i don't know if it was because i felt someone looking at me, that's what i thought at the time.
and looked at the guy in the first teller window. it's an open bank, there's no bulletproof glass, just a tall countertop.
he was looking down, or maybe at her. but not at me. and my first thought was, 'huh. he's about my age.' then, 'man. he looks familiar.' i studied his face.
then...
'HOLY FUCKING SHIT IT'S EVER!'
i looked down. the whole figuring it out thing lasted for a few seconds, but not long enough for me to get caught stealing a glance.
in telling the few people that i told, all of them asked, 'how did you not recognize him??' as in, what had changed?
so he wasn't wearing a hat. which is unusual. his hair was short, which is unusual. he had that retarded fucking mustache, all deputy dangle style. i actually recognized the flannel jacket he was wearing before i recognized his face. he looked older, but i can't say why. his face looked skinny. more than anything, he is the last person i'd expect to see on a random afternoon.
i looked back down and kept filling out my ten tickets. when he walked out past me, i got into line.
it was so crazy. i stood at the counter in a daze, handing money over.
who brought him to the bank? was he depositing money to pay the mortgage? did he see me? did it take him a few seconds, too? how the fuck did the two of us end up at the same bank at the same one minute window of time? it's his branch, yeah. the one closest to the house. but still...
rehashing, rehashing. should i have said something to him? smiled? punched him? gotten in line behind him? lean on the counter and stick my butt out so he can see what he's missing? make a call? i don't know.
i just looked away so he couldn't make eye contact and waited for him to pass.
when i walked back out, i was so afraid he'd still be in the parking lot. my deposits had taken plenty of time, so it wouldn't have made sense for him to still be there. i had to have seen him go into the bank and just not realized it. i'm sure he hightailed it out of there, saying to the person who drove him, 'tea is in there. get me the fuck out of here.'
or maybe he didn't. maybe he sat in the seat for a few minutes, dazed, like i did.
at least he didn't have to hold the door open for me, or vice versa. that would have been worse. a literal run in could have been worse still.
but that was it. i'd left suck store and cat had called me back to tell me to bring supplies the next time i went. and i hit all the lights between, and made some green lights, too.
and for one minute, on completely neutral ground, we'd been within literally five feet of each other and said not a word.
it took a few minutes of sitting, half of a song, to be able to drive the car away. because i'm such a head case, i don't like driving when i have that much on my mind. and the last time i was that focused on him, i nearly wrecked my car.
kit texted me and asked if i was ok, which is the other common response to the texts i sent out saying 'holy fuck... i just ran into ever.'
and i was driving, so i didn't text her back right then, but i totally got into the wrong lane when i left the bank, and the turn i had to make was the route back to the house. a hard right, instead of a soft right.
so, yeah. i was okay. shaking like crazy, but not crying or having a panic attack, which is a huge improvement.
i haven't seen him since maybe june. or may.
i got off my old street way before the house, and drove to the bakery to try to catch robbie, who wasn't there. then came home before meeting alice out for a drink.
i don't know. i don't want to think about it, but writing it out had to be done.
i promise i'll be a better blogger. sorry for slacking. this trip home was so different from this summer. without stupid coffee to write about, i wasn't sleep deprived and inspired. i hate that he made me prolific.
and as far as resolutions, i'll copy the list over tomorrow and see which ones i stuck to in 2010, and then make some for this year, because i haven't yet.
for tonight, i'm already in bed. tucked in, trying to fall asleep. get sleepy. because today hurt, and i slept until 8. it's going to be worse when i get up at 545 tomorrow...
2011 has to be better than 2010.
that being said, i'm off to a rocky start.
by some miracle, i didn't cry when i left florida.
i didn't cry when i hugged my grandparents goodbye. when i thought, please don't die while i'm gone.
i didn't cry on the way to the airport. when i thought, i don't want to get out of this car. and i certainly don't want to get on a plane back to my problems i tried to run away from.
i didn't cry when i said goodbye to my parents. and i didn't cry when i said goodbye to my sister.
what saved me was the fact that i know, when i see them next in that place, i won't be leaving for a life somewhere else. when i fly away the next time, from there, it will be to go on an adventure. a trip. a vacation from that life.
today i hit the ground running. and it was a crazy day. i had to collect things for work - two weeks worth of paperwork from each store, ten days of deposits from suck store, and talking to kenna about all of it.
so i left from my store after busting my employees for lying to me. thanks to fb, i knew they were lying, which is why i unfriended them while i was in florida. it came back to me through the rumor mill (aka kim and pam at my store), and i called them out on it.
i biked in today, forgetting that hats over wet hair and mittens over exposed hands are always a good idea when biking in phila. i got to work freezing, handled all of that, and left at around one to go home for my car.
suck store was fine, but i forgot half of what i went there for. and i drove the bank on my way home.
let me frame this by explaining how into happenstances i am. i fully appreciate tiny intricacies that are required to have a one minute interaction with people. or the decision i made somewhere in my afternoon that puts me a few carlengths from an accident.
so i think it's pretty fucking funny that i was walking into a branch that i have literally gone to only once in the past few months. there was a sign on the door that said they'd be closed on january 17th. and i literally thought, 'man. the day before the hearing with ever.' and walked into the counter inside the door to fill out deposit tickets.
there was this little old lady standing at the corner where the counter meets the first teller window. her perfume was insane. super floral old lady perfume. just awful. she walked away, and i looked up. i don't know if it was because i felt someone looking at me, that's what i thought at the time.
and looked at the guy in the first teller window. it's an open bank, there's no bulletproof glass, just a tall countertop.
he was looking down, or maybe at her. but not at me. and my first thought was, 'huh. he's about my age.' then, 'man. he looks familiar.' i studied his face.
then...
'HOLY FUCKING SHIT IT'S EVER!'
i looked down. the whole figuring it out thing lasted for a few seconds, but not long enough for me to get caught stealing a glance.
in telling the few people that i told, all of them asked, 'how did you not recognize him??' as in, what had changed?
so he wasn't wearing a hat. which is unusual. his hair was short, which is unusual. he had that retarded fucking mustache, all deputy dangle style. i actually recognized the flannel jacket he was wearing before i recognized his face. he looked older, but i can't say why. his face looked skinny. more than anything, he is the last person i'd expect to see on a random afternoon.
i looked back down and kept filling out my ten tickets. when he walked out past me, i got into line.
it was so crazy. i stood at the counter in a daze, handing money over.
who brought him to the bank? was he depositing money to pay the mortgage? did he see me? did it take him a few seconds, too? how the fuck did the two of us end up at the same bank at the same one minute window of time? it's his branch, yeah. the one closest to the house. but still...
rehashing, rehashing. should i have said something to him? smiled? punched him? gotten in line behind him? lean on the counter and stick my butt out so he can see what he's missing? make a call? i don't know.
i just looked away so he couldn't make eye contact and waited for him to pass.
when i walked back out, i was so afraid he'd still be in the parking lot. my deposits had taken plenty of time, so it wouldn't have made sense for him to still be there. i had to have seen him go into the bank and just not realized it. i'm sure he hightailed it out of there, saying to the person who drove him, 'tea is in there. get me the fuck out of here.'
or maybe he didn't. maybe he sat in the seat for a few minutes, dazed, like i did.
at least he didn't have to hold the door open for me, or vice versa. that would have been worse. a literal run in could have been worse still.
but that was it. i'd left suck store and cat had called me back to tell me to bring supplies the next time i went. and i hit all the lights between, and made some green lights, too.
and for one minute, on completely neutral ground, we'd been within literally five feet of each other and said not a word.
it took a few minutes of sitting, half of a song, to be able to drive the car away. because i'm such a head case, i don't like driving when i have that much on my mind. and the last time i was that focused on him, i nearly wrecked my car.
kit texted me and asked if i was ok, which is the other common response to the texts i sent out saying 'holy fuck... i just ran into ever.'
and i was driving, so i didn't text her back right then, but i totally got into the wrong lane when i left the bank, and the turn i had to make was the route back to the house. a hard right, instead of a soft right.
so, yeah. i was okay. shaking like crazy, but not crying or having a panic attack, which is a huge improvement.
i haven't seen him since maybe june. or may.
i got off my old street way before the house, and drove to the bakery to try to catch robbie, who wasn't there. then came home before meeting alice out for a drink.
i don't know. i don't want to think about it, but writing it out had to be done.
i promise i'll be a better blogger. sorry for slacking. this trip home was so different from this summer. without stupid coffee to write about, i wasn't sleep deprived and inspired. i hate that he made me prolific.
and as far as resolutions, i'll copy the list over tomorrow and see which ones i stuck to in 2010, and then make some for this year, because i haven't yet.
for tonight, i'm already in bed. tucked in, trying to fall asleep. get sleepy. because today hurt, and i slept until 8. it's going to be worse when i get up at 545 tomorrow...
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