yeah.
this feels a little too much like summer. when i came home defeated, after packing my car for an overnight.
i changed my sheets. i cleaned my apartment. i shaved. i clipped and painted my toenails so i wouldn't scratch him with my feet when we were spooning. and making out.
i had my eyes on the prize.
and just like summer, i should have fucking cashed in last night when the opportunity arose. and just like i did back when i had the chance, i hesitated for another opportunity.
i will never do that again. i can't take it. i beat myself up, and it's no fun.
i went to the bar. i didn't want to go late. so i went for the party. at 830 instead of 8.
and i had a beer.
and got hit on by some 40 year old black dude who swore i was shelly from 2 and chestnut.
he wasn't picking up my hints. he said i looked sad.
i told him i was just tired, and watching the game. world series.
and i told him i was waiting for a friend. he asked male or female. i said male.
he said that if he didn't show up, he'd be sitting a few seats away at the bar.
alas, there was no tim.
i drank my beer. went upstairs to the gutted shell of the second floor bar, celebrating the growth of my favorite bar, that will include a second floor.
they didn't advertise it, but there was free beer.
so i had one. and dude came up behind me and said, 'hey, butterfly.'
i said hi, and then went back downstairs for a second beer and some food, so i could clear the minimum and pay with my card.
i was trying not to watch the door. but i looked a few times.
nothing.
got hit on by another dude, who said i should go upstairs for the free beer. another 40 year old black dude.
i guess i am a type?
then had a third guy (late thirties, white) tell me that i'd look great in my wings and nothing else.
so i fought the urge to get upset by it, because i was still holding out hope that my boy would show, and said, 'but what about the boots?'
thanks.
really.
and way to go, tea. that, too.
maybe someday i'll learn to appreciate these things.
but until that day, it seems i'll always want one specific dude's attention. and fuck every other guy that i have no interest in.
none of the other ones were even remotely cute.
i wanted time.
and i waited.
and he didn't show.
i should have had him over last night.
i should have made out with him while i had the chance. when he was sharing his food with me, and when i shared my food with him. while he was actively, drunkenly, engaged.
instead, i'm home completely drunk at 11. and there's no boy here with me.
sam did show up eventually. and she was a lot of fun. and shannon kept me company, too.
what does it say about me that all the girl bartenders at the bar were the extent of the conversation i had tonight?
oh, and? to top it all off... hot bartender was there. i think with his girl. yeah. he was clark kent. gucci glasses. superman tee hanging out of his dress shirt and dress pants. he looked so good. it was really unfair. and it made me feel pathetic, seeing if he at least saw me, out of the corner of my eye.
whatever.
you know, it's fine.
this is why i'm doomed to lead a solo existence.
this is why i will be alone until february like i promised myself that i would.
because i spent all day not eating because i was so nervous about that boy showing up. and then he didn't. and got stupid drunk drinking beers faster than i should have to avoid further unwelcome conversation.
tim missed out.
i looked fucking adorable. i made sure of it.
whatever.
maybe some day for hangover brunch i'll see him again. if he really goes there all the time like he said that he does, it's inevitable.
but i won't be a butterfly.
and i won't look as cute as i did tonight.
his loss, right? that's what i'm supposed to tell myself?
yeah. well, it doesn't make me feel any better about coming home alone.
all i wanted was to make out. and have this boy as my local fuck buddy after he put in one night where i didn't give it up to him so easily.
and it didn't happen.
not even close.
and i have the spins from the beer. and i missed alice's party and ash's party because i blew my wad all too soon at the bar five doors from my apartment.
again.
whatever.
i'll sleep this off, too. just like the rest of my life.
fuck all.
i'm OUT.
good night. october 30th, technically.
so i'm only writing this because i met a boy.
at favorite bar, where he also spends a lot of time. i don't remember ever seeing him there, though...
not much to say, really.
if my place wasn't such a mess, i could have invited him over, but i'm a chickenshit, so i wouldn't have anyways.
he's like intern v2.0.
same pennsylvania accent.
probably the same age. i'd guess 24.
we were laughing. i laughed to tears a few times.
it was random enough. went to the bar alone. only one seat was open, between two boys at the same end of the bar that was fantastic last weekend.
he was on the end, to my right.
he was there for the truffled mashed potatoes. i was there for a celebratory beer, because the wings are painted and FUCKING AWESOME.
i headed over at 1115.
he said something to me, i guess about the food. asked me what i was going to get.
and it ended up being a two hour conversation.
i went for one beer, and had an allagash white. which was fantastic, btw.
i ended up having a second.
what's funny is that he lives with sam's cousin.
we talked a lot about the phils. thank god i'm into them, and can hold my own when it comes to talking baseball now.
it was cute. i don't know. i can't stop smiling about it.
i felt really awkward being there alone. and it was such a relief to talk to someone that i didn't know, but got along well with. and he smokes, so we had a couple cigarettes together.
i don't know.
he was super cute.
i was pretty happy that he talked to me at all, much less cared about what i was saying, and matched it.
i don't want to make more out of it than it is, but i think it's pretty funny that i wrote something about a boy keeping me warm right before i left.
i don't know etiquette when it comes to talking to boys in bars and taking them home for a nice makeout session.
but i would have kissed him.
but i didn't.
and he knows i'll be there tomorrow, so i guess that if he goes, i'd better have a clean apartment. because there might just be a boy in it tomorrow.
and i wouldn't say that, but the way he looked at me when i said goodbye and gave him a hug ('i'm a hugger' preface) made me think he expected me to ask him over.
he was talking about all the broken bones he's had in his life, and when i told him about breaking my wrists in seventh grade, he asked if i needed a hug or something.
god, he was cute. i worried that i put my foot in my mouth when i commented on my 'baby sister' who is 21. like, oh shit... is HE 21? but he's out of college, and working as an e.r. tech. so he has to be at least 23, right?
god, this shit is nerve-wracking already. and this is only two hours in...
welcome to the water, i guess.
i'd be lying if i said that i didn't care if i see him there tomorrow.
i really kinda hope i see him there tomorrow. i won't drop the ball this time. i'll clean the place up.
but i might need some coaching.
heads up, kit.
at favorite bar, where he also spends a lot of time. i don't remember ever seeing him there, though...
not much to say, really.
if my place wasn't such a mess, i could have invited him over, but i'm a chickenshit, so i wouldn't have anyways.
he's like intern v2.0.
same pennsylvania accent.
probably the same age. i'd guess 24.
we were laughing. i laughed to tears a few times.
it was random enough. went to the bar alone. only one seat was open, between two boys at the same end of the bar that was fantastic last weekend.
he was on the end, to my right.
he was there for the truffled mashed potatoes. i was there for a celebratory beer, because the wings are painted and FUCKING AWESOME.
i headed over at 1115.
he said something to me, i guess about the food. asked me what i was going to get.
and it ended up being a two hour conversation.
i went for one beer, and had an allagash white. which was fantastic, btw.
i ended up having a second.
what's funny is that he lives with sam's cousin.
we talked a lot about the phils. thank god i'm into them, and can hold my own when it comes to talking baseball now.
it was cute. i don't know. i can't stop smiling about it.
i felt really awkward being there alone. and it was such a relief to talk to someone that i didn't know, but got along well with. and he smokes, so we had a couple cigarettes together.
i don't know.
he was super cute.
i was pretty happy that he talked to me at all, much less cared about what i was saying, and matched it.
i don't want to make more out of it than it is, but i think it's pretty funny that i wrote something about a boy keeping me warm right before i left.
i don't know etiquette when it comes to talking to boys in bars and taking them home for a nice makeout session.
but i would have kissed him.
but i didn't.
and he knows i'll be there tomorrow, so i guess that if he goes, i'd better have a clean apartment. because there might just be a boy in it tomorrow.
and i wouldn't say that, but the way he looked at me when i said goodbye and gave him a hug ('i'm a hugger' preface) made me think he expected me to ask him over.
he was talking about all the broken bones he's had in his life, and when i told him about breaking my wrists in seventh grade, he asked if i needed a hug or something.
god, he was cute. i worried that i put my foot in my mouth when i commented on my 'baby sister' who is 21. like, oh shit... is HE 21? but he's out of college, and working as an e.r. tech. so he has to be at least 23, right?
god, this shit is nerve-wracking already. and this is only two hours in...
welcome to the water, i guess.
i'd be lying if i said that i didn't care if i see him there tomorrow.
i really kinda hope i see him there tomorrow. i won't drop the ball this time. i'll clean the place up.
but i might need some coaching.
heads up, kit.
dream, interrupted. october 29th.
maybe it was the four loko.
maybe it was the email back from intern saying he's thinking of going to that show.
but today when i woke up, i wanted desperately to go back to sleep and continue my dream where it left off.
i was dreaming i had a magic carpet. it was just big enough for me, not much space around me. and i tipped my head down, and it flew super fast. it is the first time that i think i have ever flown in my dreams. i'm okay with the fact that i was aided, not just my person flying around.
i don't know how, but i picked up intern, and told him to get on. there was no space beside me, and he hesitated. i told him he knew where he had to go, and he got on top of me, belly down for a flight. and in my dream, i felt his full weight on me, and let's just say that he was excited for the ride, and i was acutely aware of the fact.
the carpet was hesitant to move with both of us. after a few glitches, we were flying full speed. he was laughing.
we flew, i forget that part of the dream. we were at this mansion of a house, and we were just starting to kiss when i woke up.
i curse the people outside my apartment for making too much noise to sleep through at that point.
i was laying in bed, tossing, trying to fall asleep, but the day ahead of me was running through my mind. i don't look at the clock when possible, and i didn't then. and i was convinced that it was super early, because of how awful i felt.
but my alarm went off and i jumped out of bed, because it was set for 915, and i had no intentions of sleeping that late.
work was fun, despite being grueling. we dressed up for halloween, but i only got maybe a third of the way through my wings last night, so i didn't wear them. i settled for the shitty walmart wings to get me through my day. and my halfass antennae.
i walked to the bank at the end of my day, and ran into my 19 year old boyfriend from work. actually, he's probably 20 now, but regardless. completely inappropriate. he was walking his bike past the frat house row near campus, where he lives. he had talked about it a long time ago...
in any case, i came home and got into bed.
i felt pretty horrible at that point. i hadn't eaten anything, and it was 430.
laid in bed, watched some stuff and chatted nina up.
eventually, i got up to paint the black on the wings.
and when the bottom wings were complete, there was payoff.
they look awesome. seriously, the best.
i love them.
so now, i crack a beer at 8, and get back to the upper wings, which are about twice as big.
the excitement for how sweet my costume will be is going to have to fuel this.
after this can of loko, i will never touch the stuff again. it's entirely too serious, and i am convinced that the hangover from drinking half of one, plus sleep deprivation, is why i feel pretty shitty still.
it's making me think of gogol's 'tribal connection'.
at a point, eugene says, 'another night at home. all cozy and shit.'
only i'm not cozy. my apartment is cold, because this windy front blew in while my windows were open today.
my hands are numb. painting is going to be interesting.
and when i finish painting my wings, i might just go to the bar for a beer out, alone.
maybe it's partially because hot bartender will probably be working. but i didn't go out at all this week, so i feel entitled.
i am allowed.
at some point, i'll have to sleep. and at some point, hopefully more than eight hours after that, i'll wake up and have a pretty exciting day ahead of me.
i don't know what i'm doing yet. i need to see if i can take a train to ash's party. if so, then i have a pretty good idea of just how much fun my night will be tomorrow.
after the anniversary party at the bar.
this is going to be a pretty kickass halloween, despite the fact that, like everything else this week, i'm doing it alone.
walking to work today, i thought of something to add on to what i was writing last night about being a butterfly.
how cool would it have been to have gotten sheets of green tissue paper. to wrap myself up in it completely, and then rip through it to reveal my costume? pretty awesome. if i was in a contest, i'd do it.
now, back to my slightly warmer room, fueled by pbr, to finish what i started.
i'll glue tomorrow, if i can wait after finishing the painting tonight.
and i don't know why i'm just thinking of it now, but...
yesterday morning, walking to the car to go to work in the dark at 645, orion was high in the sky above my car.
it was foggy, very wet out. not yet cold.
and it hit me. this is fall. this is my time of year.
and now it's cold. and now i want someone to come over and warm me up.
maybe it was the email back from intern saying he's thinking of going to that show.
but today when i woke up, i wanted desperately to go back to sleep and continue my dream where it left off.
i was dreaming i had a magic carpet. it was just big enough for me, not much space around me. and i tipped my head down, and it flew super fast. it is the first time that i think i have ever flown in my dreams. i'm okay with the fact that i was aided, not just my person flying around.
i don't know how, but i picked up intern, and told him to get on. there was no space beside me, and he hesitated. i told him he knew where he had to go, and he got on top of me, belly down for a flight. and in my dream, i felt his full weight on me, and let's just say that he was excited for the ride, and i was acutely aware of the fact.
the carpet was hesitant to move with both of us. after a few glitches, we were flying full speed. he was laughing.
we flew, i forget that part of the dream. we were at this mansion of a house, and we were just starting to kiss when i woke up.
i curse the people outside my apartment for making too much noise to sleep through at that point.
i was laying in bed, tossing, trying to fall asleep, but the day ahead of me was running through my mind. i don't look at the clock when possible, and i didn't then. and i was convinced that it was super early, because of how awful i felt.
but my alarm went off and i jumped out of bed, because it was set for 915, and i had no intentions of sleeping that late.
work was fun, despite being grueling. we dressed up for halloween, but i only got maybe a third of the way through my wings last night, so i didn't wear them. i settled for the shitty walmart wings to get me through my day. and my halfass antennae.
i walked to the bank at the end of my day, and ran into my 19 year old boyfriend from work. actually, he's probably 20 now, but regardless. completely inappropriate. he was walking his bike past the frat house row near campus, where he lives. he had talked about it a long time ago...
in any case, i came home and got into bed.
i felt pretty horrible at that point. i hadn't eaten anything, and it was 430.
laid in bed, watched some stuff and chatted nina up.
eventually, i got up to paint the black on the wings.
and when the bottom wings were complete, there was payoff.
they look awesome. seriously, the best.
i love them.
so now, i crack a beer at 8, and get back to the upper wings, which are about twice as big.
the excitement for how sweet my costume will be is going to have to fuel this.
after this can of loko, i will never touch the stuff again. it's entirely too serious, and i am convinced that the hangover from drinking half of one, plus sleep deprivation, is why i feel pretty shitty still.
it's making me think of gogol's 'tribal connection'.
at a point, eugene says, 'another night at home. all cozy and shit.'
only i'm not cozy. my apartment is cold, because this windy front blew in while my windows were open today.
my hands are numb. painting is going to be interesting.
and when i finish painting my wings, i might just go to the bar for a beer out, alone.
maybe it's partially because hot bartender will probably be working. but i didn't go out at all this week, so i feel entitled.
i am allowed.
at some point, i'll have to sleep. and at some point, hopefully more than eight hours after that, i'll wake up and have a pretty exciting day ahead of me.
i don't know what i'm doing yet. i need to see if i can take a train to ash's party. if so, then i have a pretty good idea of just how much fun my night will be tomorrow.
after the anniversary party at the bar.
this is going to be a pretty kickass halloween, despite the fact that, like everything else this week, i'm doing it alone.
walking to work today, i thought of something to add on to what i was writing last night about being a butterfly.
how cool would it have been to have gotten sheets of green tissue paper. to wrap myself up in it completely, and then rip through it to reveal my costume? pretty awesome. if i was in a contest, i'd do it.
now, back to my slightly warmer room, fueled by pbr, to finish what i started.
i'll glue tomorrow, if i can wait after finishing the painting tonight.
and i don't know why i'm just thinking of it now, but...
yesterday morning, walking to the car to go to work in the dark at 645, orion was high in the sky above my car.
it was foggy, very wet out. not yet cold.
and it hit me. this is fall. this is my time of year.
and now it's cold. and now i want someone to come over and warm me up.
chrysalis. october 28th.
so i learned a lot in the last few days. nights, really.
i'm having a hard time typing.
i got a little annoyed at hyperbole's post today, because it was a drunk post. about being drunk.
and now, i'm following suit. only fixing the typos as i go. and there have been about six so far. make that eight.
kim at work bought a four loko for me the other day. after numerous posts from the writer citing that he was working while drinking them, and a comment from aubree spotting one in lauren's going away party picture, i knew better than to drink it during the week.
basically, cram a six pack of beer and two cups of coffee into an oversized can, and you have four loko. i'm halfway into a can. i can't feel my lips. typing is next to impossible. yet painting butterfly wings is going swimmingly well.
i'm having a hard time negotiating the stencils on the wing, because there are two sets, plus an inverse of each. backwards. flip it. duplicate.
one coat of orange on all four lowers. that is where i am.
i realized tonight, inadvertently, that my halloween costume is all too appropriate. because i am, right now, stuck in my chrysalis. i've long since been a caterpillar. and i've been in this weird cocoon for a few months now.
i wish i could say that i've emerged, but i don't think i have. or will for a while yet.
but it's the potential i have, to become what i want to be, that is exciting and fitting.
so i draw, and cut, and paint.
nothing really has happened. i almost cried at work today because an old friend came by to visit at suck store.
his wife died suddenly this past easter. and he was so in love with her. he inadvertently asked how hubby was doing.
and i had to tell him.
because 'til death do we part' was so much a principal in his life, i really almost didn't tell him. but i did.
and i almost cried.
i don't really know why. but after we talked for a few minutes, i had to take a second to breathe.
i think it was that i was explaining how i want a family someday. probably a kid. and that i had to start over before i got any older if i want that to happen.
and he came back by after the conversation to tell me that it was really smart of me to think of that baby.
and i think that is what it was that got to me.
because, honestly? i don't know that it will happen for me. i feel like i might have just watched my window of opportunity pass me by, in hopes that a better, more reliable window might open.
i don't know. it just kinda hit me.
in the middle of my shift. just after lunch.
and i got past it, but not over it, and went about the remainder of my day.
i found cakewrecks today. and i'm glad for that. because i laughed all day. and then came back to it after that heavy shit, and laughed harder.
tonight, in the car, driving back from a trip to jersey (ugh!) to get kit's car out of the shop, i cracked up. remembering the night we went to madonna michael prince when i backed into a car at full speed.
i hadn't even had a beer yet. completely sober.
full speed.
laughing now again.
maybe you had to be there.
but i laughed some more after that, thinking about some of the cakes i saw today at work.
man.
what a brilliant idea.
i need to get back to the costume. i'm fucking EXHAUSTED. and i don't feel like doing it at all. but i have to.
* * *
yeah. that was a fail of time management proportions.
all the orange is double coated.
of course, i had the 'this could have taken one hour' epiphany. and been much more realistic and pretty.
black posterboard with cutouts. orange tissue paper. word to the wise... do this instead.
it's one. i'm in a great deal of pain from being overly tired.
four loko was in fact loco.i could only drink half. i was shitty drunk after a third. then felt gross.
and stopped drinking.
now, a bowl of grits. and hopefully a lot of sleep. before another long day.
i work entirely too hard, and somehow i still spin my wheels.
ugh.
maybe next year i'll give myself more time.
i could've been at favorite bar carving pumpkins. but i wasn't.
and in other news... intern is debating going.
and i feel like jim carrey in dumb and dumber...
'so you're telling me i have a chance.'
we shall see.
if he does go, this could be the most pretty halloween ever. i wouldn't mind watching him watch the band.
but that is neither here nor there. which is becoming an overused phrase lately.
yeah. i guess i'm still drunk. either that, or exhaustion mixed with last cigarette is having a profound effect on my equilibrium and everything that goes along with that...
goodnight. sleep tight.
don't let the butterflies fly.
i'm having a hard time typing.
i got a little annoyed at hyperbole's post today, because it was a drunk post. about being drunk.
and now, i'm following suit. only fixing the typos as i go. and there have been about six so far. make that eight.
kim at work bought a four loko for me the other day. after numerous posts from the writer citing that he was working while drinking them, and a comment from aubree spotting one in lauren's going away party picture, i knew better than to drink it during the week.
basically, cram a six pack of beer and two cups of coffee into an oversized can, and you have four loko. i'm halfway into a can. i can't feel my lips. typing is next to impossible. yet painting butterfly wings is going swimmingly well.
i'm having a hard time negotiating the stencils on the wing, because there are two sets, plus an inverse of each. backwards. flip it. duplicate.
one coat of orange on all four lowers. that is where i am.
i realized tonight, inadvertently, that my halloween costume is all too appropriate. because i am, right now, stuck in my chrysalis. i've long since been a caterpillar. and i've been in this weird cocoon for a few months now.
i wish i could say that i've emerged, but i don't think i have. or will for a while yet.
but it's the potential i have, to become what i want to be, that is exciting and fitting.
so i draw, and cut, and paint.
nothing really has happened. i almost cried at work today because an old friend came by to visit at suck store.
his wife died suddenly this past easter. and he was so in love with her. he inadvertently asked how hubby was doing.
and i had to tell him.
because 'til death do we part' was so much a principal in his life, i really almost didn't tell him. but i did.
and i almost cried.
i don't really know why. but after we talked for a few minutes, i had to take a second to breathe.
i think it was that i was explaining how i want a family someday. probably a kid. and that i had to start over before i got any older if i want that to happen.
and he came back by after the conversation to tell me that it was really smart of me to think of that baby.
and i think that is what it was that got to me.
because, honestly? i don't know that it will happen for me. i feel like i might have just watched my window of opportunity pass me by, in hopes that a better, more reliable window might open.
i don't know. it just kinda hit me.
in the middle of my shift. just after lunch.
and i got past it, but not over it, and went about the remainder of my day.
i found cakewrecks today. and i'm glad for that. because i laughed all day. and then came back to it after that heavy shit, and laughed harder.
tonight, in the car, driving back from a trip to jersey (ugh!) to get kit's car out of the shop, i cracked up. remembering the night we went to madonna michael prince when i backed into a car at full speed.
i hadn't even had a beer yet. completely sober.
full speed.
laughing now again.
maybe you had to be there.
but i laughed some more after that, thinking about some of the cakes i saw today at work.
man.
what a brilliant idea.
i need to get back to the costume. i'm fucking EXHAUSTED. and i don't feel like doing it at all. but i have to.
* * *
yeah. that was a fail of time management proportions.
all the orange is double coated.
of course, i had the 'this could have taken one hour' epiphany. and been much more realistic and pretty.
black posterboard with cutouts. orange tissue paper. word to the wise... do this instead.
it's one. i'm in a great deal of pain from being overly tired.
four loko was in fact loco.i could only drink half. i was shitty drunk after a third. then felt gross.
and stopped drinking.
now, a bowl of grits. and hopefully a lot of sleep. before another long day.
i work entirely too hard, and somehow i still spin my wheels.
ugh.
maybe next year i'll give myself more time.
i could've been at favorite bar carving pumpkins. but i wasn't.
and in other news... intern is debating going.
and i feel like jim carrey in dumb and dumber...
'so you're telling me i have a chance.'
we shall see.
if he does go, this could be the most pretty halloween ever. i wouldn't mind watching him watch the band.
but that is neither here nor there. which is becoming an overused phrase lately.
yeah. i guess i'm still drunk. either that, or exhaustion mixed with last cigarette is having a profound effect on my equilibrium and everything that goes along with that...
goodnight. sleep tight.
don't let the butterflies fly.
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