this feels familiar.
getting to the airport wicked early. sitting at the gate, writing about what i expect to do when i get home, what i want to do when i get home, and just excited to be going home.
it's pretty surreal, honestly. i bought this ticket four months ago. so for four months now this trip has felt so far away. counting down from sixty days didn't change the way it feels, surprisingly. even the countdown from mom's package of twelve presents. and her subsequent visit.
i'm listening to the mix i made for nina last year. it's so sweet and sappy and familiar. it makes my belly hurt. it makes my heart flutter.
i can't wait to be there. and i can't believe i'm sitting here right now, waiting for my plane to arrive and take me there. it's the sweetest thing.
so, what do i expect? i don't know. without the coffee anxiety, looking forward to seeing him and grilling him, and trying to kiss him, there's no real fear this trip. without having to tell mom and dad that i'm getting a divorce, there's no anxiety this trip.
there are no tears.
there is only the usual nervousness about hopping onto a plane. and i have waited to take the ativan. mostly because i'm afraid of how it will affect me. and also because i would like to have a glass of wine on the plane like i always do, and i don't want to black out and wake up there, trying to navigate my way around finding my suitcase.
i packed so much. really, my suitcase is small - a carryon. and it's filled with clothes that both clean and dirty. and all my liquids to make security easier on myself.
i intend to buy a suitcase at home if i get loaded down with things to bring back.
and right now, i don't know why, but i'm surprisingly calm, and i feel like crying but not because i'm sad. i think just because i've been weepy lately.
watching things that are sad, dealing with death and loss and people leaving.
this was the first time i didn't get a ride to the airport. i took the train, after walking to the station, wheeling my fat suitcase down the streets of philadelphia.
cheap bitch, refusing to pay $28 for a cab to the airport, or a cab to the train itself.
maybe on the way home. it would probably be worth it then. once i'm back and just want to shake off the feeling of leaving all the things i love and know about home.
so this trip breaks down like this:
first, i get in tonight. just hang with mom and dad. smell the house. eat their food. i bought them soft pretzels because i could and knew they'd be into it.
tomorrow i have no plans at all. aubree gets in tomorrow night. i can't wait to see her.
wednesday, nina gets into town. i'm so excited to have so much time with her this trip. mom planned this extreme family reunion, i probably haven't seen most of these people since my wedding, which is both sad and horrible, but it will be fine. i intend to hang at aubree's side.
that night, perhaps one of the coolest parts of my trip, is an elementary school reunion. people i haven't seen in twenty years. there will be some middle schoolers and high schoolers there as well, so many people i haven't seen in so long.
i hope it's less awkward and more fun. i know it will be to some extent, just because of the people i'll be hanging out with, regardless of who else bothers to show up.
and thursday will be a mini reunion of nina and brownies.
the rest of my trip is a blank slate. i think brownies and i will probably try to relive our youth and go dancing, maybe on tuesday night, which nate swears by. i have yet to go, but have been hearing about it for a while now.
i've put off making plans with chalk, yet he was the first person to comment when i said something about coming home on fb yesterday.
i don't know what to expect. what i loved was having the control over the situation. i drive, i know when he comes in and when he leaves, it's my place, my plans, my restaurants, my bars, everything is mine.
being home and trying to hang out with him will be weird. it's mostly why i didn't come home before now. i didn't want to have three days home, and have him trying to see me.
i don't know. body-wise, i've been pretty into seeing him. but mentally and emotionally, i am not really ready.
pam and kim were giving me a lot of shit at work today about it. why i'm putting him off. why i didn't have him pick me up tonight.
and all i can come up with is that, first of all, i don't look as good as i looked this summer. second of all, he just isn't for me. this is the beauty of a buddy i guess.
i've been craving attention and affection. but i don't want his really. i mean, having fun is one thing. but i want a boyfriend i guess. and because he does nothing for me in that way, i guess i just have less to look forward to.
i think that in my mind, i haven't fully processed the fact that coffee is really taken and gone. i think i'll still be looking for him everywhere like i always do. and i guess i'm just not excited about any other boys the way he made me excited.
there's no boy back home now. and that might be why i feel a little sad.
i wish the writer was home for the holidays, but saying as how he's pretty much estranged from his family, that would never happen. it would be nice to see him and hang out with him.
yeah. no boy back home. and it makes me feel guilty to say that, in light of seeing chalk. but whatever. that's the beauty of an arrangement made out of convenience and physicality.
mmm. peet's coffee. my favorite thing about flying for the last couple years since they put it in the airport. even though i probably don't need it, i mean really don't especially in light of nerves. i can't help myself. it will counteract the wine on the plane.
god, last night i had a great dream. i was hanging with my 19 year old boyfriend, at my parents' house. and we were fooling around. it was amazing. and then we got into my car and went for a drive, and he was talking about how my mixes were so awesome.
it's because i watched nick and norah's this weekend. twice.
such a cute movie. the first night i saw it, it made me super lovesick. but the second time, i just cracked up because i knew what was coming.
our plane is here. i should probably use the bathroom now.
hopefully the cold i've had since thanksgiving that just won't go away will keep me from getting some other random illness on this flight. it's nice to not worry about h1n1 this time. god, the trip where i flew with the face mask was unreal. so horrible. and i didn't give a shit that i looked like a freak because i was being paranoid and careful.
this guy on the train was hacking up a lung and being a crackhead. i don't know what happens when you don't have fare and board a train, but i want to say that he was telling the septa dude that he didn't have money to pay.
it was weird. i couldn't wait for the ride to be over. and i really don't like riding backwards, and the seats were all backwards. i was looking out the window because i hadn't ever taken the train to the airport, but it was making me feel funny. i said a silent hi to robbie as i passed the bakery.
so close now i can taste it.
pretty funny to be sitting here thinking about stupid coffee and his new life for a few seconds, and then to hear things on the loudspeaker about chicago flights being canceled because of snow storms. i'd be pissed if that is where i was headed. all the connections are getting missed, and the plane isn't leaving.
i'd probably be sad, too. at least i live here, and could go home and come back.
which makes me think of the idea i had for another novel. my next one, perhaps.
the idea stemmed from a chat with nina. she asked me to take her back in time so she could get more work done.
and i was thinking about it later. how obsessed i was with going back in time for so long. and now that i'm out, and don't necessarily need to go back in time to undo my marriage, as i'm doing it the conventional way, i guess i started thinking about whether i'd go back and unmeet ever. and then i started thinking about what my life would have been like if i did that. because i think that if i could, i'd go back and never meet him. it makes me sad to think of what i'd be giving up to do that, but i guess i'd lean towards doing it anyway.
so the story will be an account of what happened when i didn't.
what i did with coffee. what i did with the sun. how i ended up. what my life became. what my life was like. how i turned out.
i don't know which direction to go, but i will write it out when i'm home.
god i have to pee again. ugh. fucking nerves. and now we're boarding...
and now we're in the air. :)
and upon announcing our descent? holy SHIT! i'm here. i'm fucking EXCITED.
i'm on vacation. iiiiiieeeeeeeeee!
tea hearts kit. december 15th and 16th.
kit really saved me yesterday.
this all started on monday, i guess.
i knew i had to go to the house to get stuff for work. i almost went after work, because it's easy to do on my way home. but it made me feel like pulling over and throwing up. and then i worried that the puppy would be running amok and that almost made me cry. so i didn't go. i decided to go on thursday, at the last possible minute.
i just couldn't deal with it. so i didn't.
so there i was, sitting at suck store yesterday. chatting with nina off and on, i guess i talked to her a little bit about it, but mostly other random things to distract myself from it.
but it was on my mind, and kit popped online, and i mentioned the house, and she said, 'just do it today. get it over with. i'll go with you. tea, just get it over with.'
and i couldn't commit to doing it. i didn't want to, not that i ever would. and i was a bundle of nerves.
but she talked me into it. and i had already resolved to go alone before talking to her. because i felt like i needed to do it alone. not to mention, i didn't want her to have to interact with him.
but after talking to one of my divorcing customers, and after the email from my lawyer talking about him possibly trying to get a pfa against me to keep me out of the house (protection from abuse), i realized that she was right. because if no one was there with me, he could say i did something i did not.
so before i could back out and change my mind, i emailed ever and said that i'd be over. if he wanted to put things by the door, i'd grab them. and if not, i'd get them myself.
then i got really heady about it. going through all the possible scenarios repeatedly in my head. and when i left work, i was driving. i was having a hard time focusing, because my stomach was completely sick and had been since i decided at around 1 that i'd go. i had eaten food at work, because it was time to. but i could easily have skipped it. as soon as i ate, i felt nauseous. until about 8 that night.
driving, thinking. trying to listen to my workout mix to get me angry and fired up about going, so i'd feel less scared and sad about going.
and i drove home from work the way i always do. and at the point where the six lanes dump everyone into three, i very nearly had a wicked accident.
everything was fine. it's a tricky bit, because i have to get over from lane six to lane one. but i do this every time i drive on this road. i'm good at doing it safely.
but because of my mindset i was probably less sharp, and i turned my head to check the next lane over, and didn't realize that the fucking moron driving ahead of me was stopping in the middle of the road for no apparent reason. no traffic jam or anything. just hard brakes.
so when i looked back, and started to go, their bumper was literally a couple inches from the front of my car. i said something aloud, maybe i screamed, and jerked my wheel into the lane i knew i could merge into. my car started to fishtail because i was going like 60 and jerked the wheel to avoid hitting them. luckily, the people behind me gave me some room and i kept control of my car, and kept going.
it was unbelievable. really scary. nothing like a heart stopping close call while experiencing a long lasting panic attack. once i recovered from that, it was like it canceled out the ever mindfuck.
i picked kit up from work and went with her.
it was the right decision. the way i explained it to her is that i've gotten better at ripping off bandaids. like the surgery, i knew the anxiety and anticipation was much worse than the experience would be. no matter what it was. because days of worrying wouldn't matter after ten minutes max at the house.
i told her about the close call, because i was shaken and it had just happened.
i went home first because my stomach wasn't going to let me wait to go home until after. and i wanted to get the cds i had put aside that were his. and his fucking fake tooth bridge that had ended up in my piggy bank in a ziplock bag. gross.
i'd bought him the cd case back in june for his birthday, but that was about the time he became an intolerable dickhead, so i had never given it to him.
i grabbed those two things, leaving the third thing i had set aside for him, a letter i'd found in my keepsakes from when his father died, listing all his personal effects and the price of his cremation. because that just seemed too horrible a thing to give to him right then.
and we drove there. i couldn't even smoke, from nausea. she kept realizing how fucking freaked out i was and telling me that it was almost over and to calm down. it was crazy. she was making me laugh and not think about it, but every block closer, it would hit me in waves. waves with really short wavelengths.
and i got there. and i parked. the sidewalk was a hot mess. trash everywhere. it looked hood. exactly how i remembered it.
the first test was trying my key, because i was afraid he'd changed the locks. at the same time, i didn't think he had, because he doesn't really do anything that requires effort.
he hadn't emailed me back that day about my visit, or about the email i'd sent a week ago.
the key worked. i knocked anyway, and called in. only the girl roommate was there (i think). the light was on, but i guess her door was closed and she didn't come out. i'm sure he'd warned her i would be there.
the dog was barking and running around in my old bedroom, so i don't know if he was there with her hiding or not.
no one did or said anything.
what sticks out to me about the visit the most, is that it was disorienting. i guess that's the best word for it. the whole first floor was completely rearranged. there was so much furniture and other people's stuff everywhere; couches, a huge tv, a piano. and i forgot everything the second i walked in. i couldn't remember where the light switches were, and all the lights were out. it was strange, stumbling around in the dark for a second and feeling lost all at once.
i found the first switch, and headed to the bureau where i thought my stocking was. my mom had asked me to get it, because she had sewed one for each of us when we were born. so this thing is now 33 christmases old, and she wants me to bring it home.
only i couldn't find it. so i guess i had the foresight to grab it when i left. it must be buried in my closet somewhere.
then we went into the basement to get the work stuff. but i ended up in the kitchen, passing the basement door and looking around, smelling curry and food. i was just completely mindblown. it took a second to realize that i was in the kitchen and didn't mean to be. and then i had to recall why i was there, and what i was trying to do, where i was trying to go.
being there felt so foreign. i still haven't processed it, i guess. despite dreams and nightmares where i'd gone back to get things and deal with him, i wasn't mentally prepared for it.
it was so odd. i can't get over it.
i set his stuff on the granite countertops that i miss the most. in my dream kitchen. and there was no time for thinking and feeling, because i was on a mission. at one point, it sounded like the dog was loose, but she wasn't. i kept thinking she was going to tear down the stairs and turn her little circle at the bottom and start jumping on us. but she didn't.
we went into the basement and i walked directly to the things i needed. which, in the sea of boxes and tools and mess, was no small feat. the first two places i checked had both of the things i went for. it was crazy. so i grabbed them and bailed super fast. there was a box of my handmade journals he'd put in an unsealed box, down in the filthy basement, with my name on it.
i grabbed everything, and kit grabbed a couple other random boxes of my journal making stuff down there, and we were up and out of the basement, and out the front door, locking it, and throwing shit into the car and getting resituated.
she said we were there under five minutes. but time had stood practically still for me. i wanted to smoke, but was in this foggy stupor and couldn't seem to figure out that i needed a lighter.
so she said, 'leave. get out of here. light it on the way. just get away from the house! no sense tempting fate.'
and she was right. and i did. and we high fived and pulled a few blocks away, where i pulled over to collect myself and light the cigarette. and put on the song i wanted to hear right then.
interpol.
it's been interpol for the last 48 or so hours.
i can't get enough.
i'd dug it up when i was painting my apartment. and stumbled into this song that used to slay me. and i have spent a couple days listening to the song on repeat after integrating it into my mix.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FhB66-sdQS4
last night, i spent a few hours watching live videos of them, and interviews with the singer, paul banks, pining away for the dark and fancy brooder with the unbelievable voice. yes, i am aware that he has a mullet in this video. no, that doesn't change things for me. he has normal hair most other places, so i'm letting it slide. his eyes are so cold. like he needs a big hug and some snuggle time involving hot chocolate.
apparently i still have a thing for the broken musician-types.
i had pictured him being forty-something with a ruddy complexion. not young and creamy complected with hair in his eyes, wearing all black and playing with this depth that nearly swallows me alive.
so i listened to obstacle 1, which is so aptly named, on the way home from the house. i dropped kit off, and made three trips from my car upstairs, putting everything inside my apartment that had been living in my car since thanksgiving, and then all the rescued stuff from the house as well. and the laundry i did at kit's this past weekend.
and i had told myself that i'd go to favorite bar after, to treat myself, for surviving the house. for taking care of business. for ripping off the last and final bandaid before i go on vacation.
i practically ran there. kit had given me some of that amazing birthday cake to take with me, i wanted to share with the bartenders who took care of me on my birthday.
so i had a couple beers, and they all talked to me the whole time i was there. i love those nights. i learned a lot about a couple of them, and talked a little about myself, and we just joked around for a while.
they tore into the cake as i was leaving, but i know sam loved it. hot bartender showed up right as i was leaving, which was unfortunate considering that they were all entertaining me all night, and that i would have loved to listen to him talk for a minute.
but, i left and went home to make some dinner.
so that was tuesday.
then yesterday was a different kind of a day.
yesterday was an easy day, my first day at awesome store in what felt like forever. the girls had bought silly christmas hats to wear from now until the break. we like to keep the customers entertained, i guess.
but they bought this hat for me. it was even crazier than the gigantic birthday hat the last time i worked there, last wednesday. it looks like a santa hat. with a bell on the tip.
but there's a button on the brim, and when you touch it, the hat flops from side to side and this crazy loud song plays. it's hysterical. all the customers were cracking up over it.
in the bandaid spirit, i actually went straight to the drama store when i got to work, in an effort to get that all over with right off the bat, so i could have fun and enjoy the rest of my work day.
only quinn wasn't there, so i had to wait.
go work, then come back.
i ended up talking to her for almost an hour. it was retarded.
i can tell when she's lying to me. and when she's exaggerating. and i was honestly so angry at having to have this whole talk with her that i wouldn't even look her in the eye. i was facing her, staring out the window while snow flurries fell. wishing i was anywhere but there.
i guess that my main issue with her is that she's condescending and talks down to them, and then they bitch about her amongst themselves and then to everyone else.
it's all talk. i can't seem to figure out how to curb the drama there. i have now told all of them to zip it up. and so help me, if i have to get involved again, i'm going to start firing people.
so then i went back to my store and hung out for a while. cleaned a lot. i went home a little early, and did my sales stuff and sent it off in an email.
i also talked to kenna, so that helped me plan for work on friday and monday. and then...HOME.
i can't get over it.
i'm so ready for it. and excited.
well, i should rephrase. emotionally, i'm so ready for it. in every other possible way, i'm not nearly ready for it.
i'll do the rest of my laundry and clean my place and pack this weekend. no problem.
and as far as physically goes, i'm also really not ready. i have officially thrown in the towel on being summer-skinny tea. i've said it before, i'll say it again. chalk is the only person who will see me naked in the foreseeable future. and i don't feel obligated to impress him anymore. maybe i'll get inspired after the holidays. but i doubt it. carbs are just too awesome. and exercise sucks too much.
there's one other thing i'd like to do before i leave. i am really determined to change my door handle/lock, in an effort to keep my creepy landlord out of my apartment while i'm away. and also try to bust him sneaking in. i'll know if he tried to go in when he tells me that i'm not allowed to change my lock if he tries to go in.
since he lives on the first floor, there would be no other reason for him to go upstairs. it will make me less paranoid and worried anyway. i'm never totally uncertain that he doesn't go into my place when i'm not home.
we'll see. if i can do it, firstly, and if i can go undetected, secondly.
there's only one way to find out.
so today, i'm back at suck store for the last time until the new year.
and what's more? i've made like $80 in tips this week. it makes me wish that i worked in stores everyday alone.
but then i wouldn't be doing my job. i'd just be working.
soon enough. soon enough.
the only other thing i wanted to write about was my night out with kit last night.
she's been slaving away at school with her douchebag boss, and wanted to get out for a beer with me afterwards yesterday.
i was looking forward to it all day, but thought she might get stuck at school and not be able to go. but she did.
favorite bar was packed to the gills, so we went to a different bar. which was deserted. it was quiet and warm and awesome.
so we talked for a while about her work and my work. and then i asked her opinion about that whole online dating can of worms i cracked open last week.
specifically, i said, 'kit, do you think i'm ready for it?'
her response was a violent one. she laughed really hard and said, emphatically, 'no!'
it was site-specific, that was the problem. she warned me about the guys that are on there. and i already know some of the horror stories of things she's encountered being on there. in fact, some guys she'd never even talked to before asked her to 'hang out' that night, while we were sitting at the bar.
so, no, she said. you aren't ready for those guys. their expectations are unreasonable, the site is not classy, and most of the guys are total assholes who make themselves look respectable, but they're all the same. for every good guy on there (i think she's met three), there are massive piles of misogynistic cheaters.
and because i'm 'old' in contrast to the babies on these sites, she recommended eharmony. i don't think i'm ready to make that plunge. i think those guys might be a little too into marriage for what i'm looking for. which is just a little fun.
i just want to make out. MAKE OUT. is that so much to ask??? i think i'm going to have to do it the old fashioned way. get nice and drunk, and for the second time in my life, bust out a, 'hey, can i buy you a drink?'
and be prepared to take full advantage of the situation.
and the boy.
but that's a story for another day. i've gotten off track. but we spent a good half hour discussing online dating. and once again, kit prayed...
'dear god, please give tea the gift of game. amen.'
it's my favorite prayer. and it is never answered.
this all started on monday, i guess.
i knew i had to go to the house to get stuff for work. i almost went after work, because it's easy to do on my way home. but it made me feel like pulling over and throwing up. and then i worried that the puppy would be running amok and that almost made me cry. so i didn't go. i decided to go on thursday, at the last possible minute.
i just couldn't deal with it. so i didn't.
so there i was, sitting at suck store yesterday. chatting with nina off and on, i guess i talked to her a little bit about it, but mostly other random things to distract myself from it.
but it was on my mind, and kit popped online, and i mentioned the house, and she said, 'just do it today. get it over with. i'll go with you. tea, just get it over with.'
and i couldn't commit to doing it. i didn't want to, not that i ever would. and i was a bundle of nerves.
but she talked me into it. and i had already resolved to go alone before talking to her. because i felt like i needed to do it alone. not to mention, i didn't want her to have to interact with him.
but after talking to one of my divorcing customers, and after the email from my lawyer talking about him possibly trying to get a pfa against me to keep me out of the house (protection from abuse), i realized that she was right. because if no one was there with me, he could say i did something i did not.
so before i could back out and change my mind, i emailed ever and said that i'd be over. if he wanted to put things by the door, i'd grab them. and if not, i'd get them myself.
then i got really heady about it. going through all the possible scenarios repeatedly in my head. and when i left work, i was driving. i was having a hard time focusing, because my stomach was completely sick and had been since i decided at around 1 that i'd go. i had eaten food at work, because it was time to. but i could easily have skipped it. as soon as i ate, i felt nauseous. until about 8 that night.
driving, thinking. trying to listen to my workout mix to get me angry and fired up about going, so i'd feel less scared and sad about going.
and i drove home from work the way i always do. and at the point where the six lanes dump everyone into three, i very nearly had a wicked accident.
everything was fine. it's a tricky bit, because i have to get over from lane six to lane one. but i do this every time i drive on this road. i'm good at doing it safely.
but because of my mindset i was probably less sharp, and i turned my head to check the next lane over, and didn't realize that the fucking moron driving ahead of me was stopping in the middle of the road for no apparent reason. no traffic jam or anything. just hard brakes.
so when i looked back, and started to go, their bumper was literally a couple inches from the front of my car. i said something aloud, maybe i screamed, and jerked my wheel into the lane i knew i could merge into. my car started to fishtail because i was going like 60 and jerked the wheel to avoid hitting them. luckily, the people behind me gave me some room and i kept control of my car, and kept going.
it was unbelievable. really scary. nothing like a heart stopping close call while experiencing a long lasting panic attack. once i recovered from that, it was like it canceled out the ever mindfuck.
i picked kit up from work and went with her.
it was the right decision. the way i explained it to her is that i've gotten better at ripping off bandaids. like the surgery, i knew the anxiety and anticipation was much worse than the experience would be. no matter what it was. because days of worrying wouldn't matter after ten minutes max at the house.
i told her about the close call, because i was shaken and it had just happened.
i went home first because my stomach wasn't going to let me wait to go home until after. and i wanted to get the cds i had put aside that were his. and his fucking fake tooth bridge that had ended up in my piggy bank in a ziplock bag. gross.
i'd bought him the cd case back in june for his birthday, but that was about the time he became an intolerable dickhead, so i had never given it to him.
i grabbed those two things, leaving the third thing i had set aside for him, a letter i'd found in my keepsakes from when his father died, listing all his personal effects and the price of his cremation. because that just seemed too horrible a thing to give to him right then.
and we drove there. i couldn't even smoke, from nausea. she kept realizing how fucking freaked out i was and telling me that it was almost over and to calm down. it was crazy. she was making me laugh and not think about it, but every block closer, it would hit me in waves. waves with really short wavelengths.
and i got there. and i parked. the sidewalk was a hot mess. trash everywhere. it looked hood. exactly how i remembered it.
the first test was trying my key, because i was afraid he'd changed the locks. at the same time, i didn't think he had, because he doesn't really do anything that requires effort.
he hadn't emailed me back that day about my visit, or about the email i'd sent a week ago.
the key worked. i knocked anyway, and called in. only the girl roommate was there (i think). the light was on, but i guess her door was closed and she didn't come out. i'm sure he'd warned her i would be there.
the dog was barking and running around in my old bedroom, so i don't know if he was there with her hiding or not.
no one did or said anything.
what sticks out to me about the visit the most, is that it was disorienting. i guess that's the best word for it. the whole first floor was completely rearranged. there was so much furniture and other people's stuff everywhere; couches, a huge tv, a piano. and i forgot everything the second i walked in. i couldn't remember where the light switches were, and all the lights were out. it was strange, stumbling around in the dark for a second and feeling lost all at once.
i found the first switch, and headed to the bureau where i thought my stocking was. my mom had asked me to get it, because she had sewed one for each of us when we were born. so this thing is now 33 christmases old, and she wants me to bring it home.
only i couldn't find it. so i guess i had the foresight to grab it when i left. it must be buried in my closet somewhere.
then we went into the basement to get the work stuff. but i ended up in the kitchen, passing the basement door and looking around, smelling curry and food. i was just completely mindblown. it took a second to realize that i was in the kitchen and didn't mean to be. and then i had to recall why i was there, and what i was trying to do, where i was trying to go.
being there felt so foreign. i still haven't processed it, i guess. despite dreams and nightmares where i'd gone back to get things and deal with him, i wasn't mentally prepared for it.
it was so odd. i can't get over it.
i set his stuff on the granite countertops that i miss the most. in my dream kitchen. and there was no time for thinking and feeling, because i was on a mission. at one point, it sounded like the dog was loose, but she wasn't. i kept thinking she was going to tear down the stairs and turn her little circle at the bottom and start jumping on us. but she didn't.
we went into the basement and i walked directly to the things i needed. which, in the sea of boxes and tools and mess, was no small feat. the first two places i checked had both of the things i went for. it was crazy. so i grabbed them and bailed super fast. there was a box of my handmade journals he'd put in an unsealed box, down in the filthy basement, with my name on it.
i grabbed everything, and kit grabbed a couple other random boxes of my journal making stuff down there, and we were up and out of the basement, and out the front door, locking it, and throwing shit into the car and getting resituated.
she said we were there under five minutes. but time had stood practically still for me. i wanted to smoke, but was in this foggy stupor and couldn't seem to figure out that i needed a lighter.
so she said, 'leave. get out of here. light it on the way. just get away from the house! no sense tempting fate.'
and she was right. and i did. and we high fived and pulled a few blocks away, where i pulled over to collect myself and light the cigarette. and put on the song i wanted to hear right then.
interpol.
it's been interpol for the last 48 or so hours.
i can't get enough.
i'd dug it up when i was painting my apartment. and stumbled into this song that used to slay me. and i have spent a couple days listening to the song on repeat after integrating it into my mix.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FhB66-sdQS4
last night, i spent a few hours watching live videos of them, and interviews with the singer, paul banks, pining away for the dark and fancy brooder with the unbelievable voice. yes, i am aware that he has a mullet in this video. no, that doesn't change things for me. he has normal hair most other places, so i'm letting it slide. his eyes are so cold. like he needs a big hug and some snuggle time involving hot chocolate.
apparently i still have a thing for the broken musician-types.
i had pictured him being forty-something with a ruddy complexion. not young and creamy complected with hair in his eyes, wearing all black and playing with this depth that nearly swallows me alive.
so i listened to obstacle 1, which is so aptly named, on the way home from the house. i dropped kit off, and made three trips from my car upstairs, putting everything inside my apartment that had been living in my car since thanksgiving, and then all the rescued stuff from the house as well. and the laundry i did at kit's this past weekend.
and i had told myself that i'd go to favorite bar after, to treat myself, for surviving the house. for taking care of business. for ripping off the last and final bandaid before i go on vacation.
i practically ran there. kit had given me some of that amazing birthday cake to take with me, i wanted to share with the bartenders who took care of me on my birthday.
so i had a couple beers, and they all talked to me the whole time i was there. i love those nights. i learned a lot about a couple of them, and talked a little about myself, and we just joked around for a while.
they tore into the cake as i was leaving, but i know sam loved it. hot bartender showed up right as i was leaving, which was unfortunate considering that they were all entertaining me all night, and that i would have loved to listen to him talk for a minute.
but, i left and went home to make some dinner.
so that was tuesday.
then yesterday was a different kind of a day.
yesterday was an easy day, my first day at awesome store in what felt like forever. the girls had bought silly christmas hats to wear from now until the break. we like to keep the customers entertained, i guess.
but they bought this hat for me. it was even crazier than the gigantic birthday hat the last time i worked there, last wednesday. it looks like a santa hat. with a bell on the tip.
but there's a button on the brim, and when you touch it, the hat flops from side to side and this crazy loud song plays. it's hysterical. all the customers were cracking up over it.
in the bandaid spirit, i actually went straight to the drama store when i got to work, in an effort to get that all over with right off the bat, so i could have fun and enjoy the rest of my work day.
only quinn wasn't there, so i had to wait.
go work, then come back.
i ended up talking to her for almost an hour. it was retarded.
i can tell when she's lying to me. and when she's exaggerating. and i was honestly so angry at having to have this whole talk with her that i wouldn't even look her in the eye. i was facing her, staring out the window while snow flurries fell. wishing i was anywhere but there.
i guess that my main issue with her is that she's condescending and talks down to them, and then they bitch about her amongst themselves and then to everyone else.
it's all talk. i can't seem to figure out how to curb the drama there. i have now told all of them to zip it up. and so help me, if i have to get involved again, i'm going to start firing people.
so then i went back to my store and hung out for a while. cleaned a lot. i went home a little early, and did my sales stuff and sent it off in an email.
i also talked to kenna, so that helped me plan for work on friday and monday. and then...HOME.
i can't get over it.
i'm so ready for it. and excited.
well, i should rephrase. emotionally, i'm so ready for it. in every other possible way, i'm not nearly ready for it.
i'll do the rest of my laundry and clean my place and pack this weekend. no problem.
and as far as physically goes, i'm also really not ready. i have officially thrown in the towel on being summer-skinny tea. i've said it before, i'll say it again. chalk is the only person who will see me naked in the foreseeable future. and i don't feel obligated to impress him anymore. maybe i'll get inspired after the holidays. but i doubt it. carbs are just too awesome. and exercise sucks too much.
there's one other thing i'd like to do before i leave. i am really determined to change my door handle/lock, in an effort to keep my creepy landlord out of my apartment while i'm away. and also try to bust him sneaking in. i'll know if he tried to go in when he tells me that i'm not allowed to change my lock if he tries to go in.
since he lives on the first floor, there would be no other reason for him to go upstairs. it will make me less paranoid and worried anyway. i'm never totally uncertain that he doesn't go into my place when i'm not home.
we'll see. if i can do it, firstly, and if i can go undetected, secondly.
there's only one way to find out.
so today, i'm back at suck store for the last time until the new year.
and what's more? i've made like $80 in tips this week. it makes me wish that i worked in stores everyday alone.
but then i wouldn't be doing my job. i'd just be working.
soon enough. soon enough.
the only other thing i wanted to write about was my night out with kit last night.
she's been slaving away at school with her douchebag boss, and wanted to get out for a beer with me afterwards yesterday.
i was looking forward to it all day, but thought she might get stuck at school and not be able to go. but she did.
favorite bar was packed to the gills, so we went to a different bar. which was deserted. it was quiet and warm and awesome.
so we talked for a while about her work and my work. and then i asked her opinion about that whole online dating can of worms i cracked open last week.
specifically, i said, 'kit, do you think i'm ready for it?'
her response was a violent one. she laughed really hard and said, emphatically, 'no!'
it was site-specific, that was the problem. she warned me about the guys that are on there. and i already know some of the horror stories of things she's encountered being on there. in fact, some guys she'd never even talked to before asked her to 'hang out' that night, while we were sitting at the bar.
so, no, she said. you aren't ready for those guys. their expectations are unreasonable, the site is not classy, and most of the guys are total assholes who make themselves look respectable, but they're all the same. for every good guy on there (i think she's met three), there are massive piles of misogynistic cheaters.
and because i'm 'old' in contrast to the babies on these sites, she recommended eharmony. i don't think i'm ready to make that plunge. i think those guys might be a little too into marriage for what i'm looking for. which is just a little fun.
i just want to make out. MAKE OUT. is that so much to ask??? i think i'm going to have to do it the old fashioned way. get nice and drunk, and for the second time in my life, bust out a, 'hey, can i buy you a drink?'
and be prepared to take full advantage of the situation.
and the boy.
but that's a story for another day. i've gotten off track. but we spent a good half hour discussing online dating. and once again, kit prayed...
'dear god, please give tea the gift of game. amen.'
it's my favorite prayer. and it is never answered.
rock star and cupid. december 12th.
last night was fantastic.
karaoke was a great idea, in hindsight. though it didn't feel like it at all at the time.
it was a little tense for a bit, mixing workers and friends. but after a few drinks, everyone loosened up and then we really started singing and performing. and by the end of the drunkenness, the entire room of 8 was singing 'bohemian rhapsody'. which sounded lame to me in the beginning. but everyone knew the words, so it ended up being a highlight.
dave and ash even showed up, but ash was in a funk because kim and pam were there. and they all kinda don't like each other, because we all used to work together. and there had been a falling out. but like i said, everyone got drunk enough to sing and get past it.
it helped me feel better about my real birthday night. because every person who said they would make it actually showed up. it's like everyone knows by now that i get really bummed when people flake on me. it was a great birthday, in the end. even if it did take a few days to celebrate it.
for being as afraid as i was about singing, i sure hid it well. when it was just kit and i in the beginning, we started toying with the machine. and once i started practicing, it was on.
and kit recorded me singing 'telephone' for my sister, which was hopefully as good as it felt when i did it. i really hammed it up, stood up and danced and the whole nine.
i guess part of it, too, is that i was trying to get other people into it, and showing them that i was perfectly willing to make an ass of myself in front of them made me feel like they'd feel better about chiming in. and what was super cool was that all of us could actually sing. ash and dave's duets were awesome. dave in general was awesome, because he loved singing the girl parts of songs, and he's one of the funniest people i know. i wish ash had felt better, but it just means that i'm going to have to get kit in a room with them when former employees aren't present.
and ashley from work showed up, and because she'd taken relaxers earlier in the day after a panic attack, she was super drunk after just a couple beers. so i felt like i was taking care of her, which made me act slightly less drunk than i felt.
suffice it to say that drinking to get the free room was a good idea. but we were all pretty sloppy by 8 when we left to find food.
anyway, i felt like a rock star last night. and even though i only got up in front of a few people to sing, it gave me a little confidence that i could do it in a different way, someday, if i ever felt the desire to.
we ended up getting food and cabbing it home, and i drank a bunch of water and went to bed. i wasn't drunk anymore, and felt pretty awful. part of me wanted one more beer. but the other part of me decided that four was enough and that second drunk wouldn't be nearly as much fun as original drunk from 5 to 8.
so today i spent over an hour, anonymously looking up boys on that dating site the girls busted ever on this summer.
what is outrageous is that i saw that boy conor that liked this summer. he was the only person i saw that i knew.
i was impressed by the number of hot guys. and the number of jersey guidos who actually talk about getting tans. and the number of scary looking guys. and the number of guys who take pictures with their girlfriends. or girls in general. and their dogs.
so i noted the ones that were funny and cute and in the age bracket i selected. which, for a 33 year old girl, i am not embarrassed to say that the age range was 23 to 33.
well, actually, i am. but i'm trying not to be. if only there hadn't been so many 23 year olds that were so cute, i might have been inspired to change the age bracket. but there were. so i wasn't.
maybe someday i will actually put myself on the site. it was fun to see what guys present to the world on dating sites. i was tempted to today. in all honesty. but at the same time, i couldn't do it. because honestly, even though i consider myself to be 'single', i felt more compelled to check 'married'. i think that is the reason why i am so reluctant to even try to pick up a guy.
how do i explain my situation? i don't want to say married, or divorcing, or divorced (because it's not entirely true). i don't want to say that i want a fuck buddy. because more than that, i want to make out. and if i met a cute sweet boy, i'd want to hang out, too.
why am i so hard to categorize?
i don't know.
and maybe if i hadn't had that whole dream last night, i wouldn't have been so into it.
this was the dream:
in my dream, i was at the house. only it was five stories, like a gigantic warehouse.
there was a loading dock off back. huge cement stairs, freestanding, like in a stadium.
there was a top floor and there was a show up there. i accidentally found it, and immediately had to get out.
mom, dad, and aubree were there with me.
new girl was brown hair and braces. very young. red shirt. arms crossed and with him. as in, attached to him.
his hair was brown and kinda bowl cut. like a preppy 90s guy (probably influenced by buffy).
there was a ton of people there. karla was with me. went to get something specific.
but while we were walking this guy fell on his skateboard - there were a bunch of ramps, a skate park in the house - and he was knocked out. he was hurt really badly, like paralyzed. so someone called an ambulance. frede was walking up and down the stairs all night. we kept seeing each other, but didn't speak until the end, he wouldn't make eye contact with me the first few times.
he didn't acknowledge me until we were all blocked in the stairwell, trying to get out.
at the end, there was a fake gunfight on the dock over a car they both wanted, a bmw or something. these girl securitiy guards had real guns, but they weren't loaded. but they were acting like they were shooting each other.
ever had an ipad for the house and i was finding a movie to start playing for everyone. but the one i picked was a social distortion documentary, and i stopped it because it wasn't what i thought it would be. but everyone was getting angry because i changed it.
at one point i had to grab onto a press, and lay on the arm to swing myself around to leave, it was over the edge of a big dropoff. i got white ink on the arms and chest of my black hoodie.
he carried the hurt guy up the stairs once he woke up. everyone looked at him like a hero. but the guy was paralyzed, and i knew that he was probably going to kill him because he didn't leave him stationary and wait for the ambulance.
once i decided that i wanted to leave, i couldn't leave off docks in the end. it was like the bottom of the cement ramps became the tops. so every time i'd head up to leave, i'd end up at the bottom. i just wanted out.
once i realized that i couldn't leave that way, i had to go back up the cement staircase and this girl started to sway it like a suspension bridge. she almost fell off because she was being an idiot, she did a front flip in the air when she lost her balance, and landed back on the stairs.
aubree was really upset. she was aubree, only she was infant sized, and i was carrying her everywhere. mom and dad just stayed lost and i couldn't find them.
i was talking to people there, about why i was there or whatever. but they were my friends more than his. it was the people who were there, not that they were my friends kyla and other friends of aubree's.
in any case, none of that detail really matters. i guess because it stayed with me all day, that's why i included it here.
because at some point this week, i have to go to the house. it's not an option. and that means that i have to communicate with ever.
when i woke up, it was a nightmare, and as per the usual, i was paralyzed, flat on my back. and i had to tell myself not to cry, because when i woke up i had tears in the corner of my eyes, and the stress of it all was just the worst way to wake up at 7 am on a day off.
i don't want to go to work tomorrow. or for the next week.
but, one week from tomorrow, i'll be flying home. so i have to power through it.
and today, over scrabble, i set up a game night with james and jess for tuesday night. i do wonder if they'll ask about anything related to ever. because i try really hard to not talk about it at all in front of mutual friends. because i don't want to alienate anyone who is willing to spend time with me despite my leaving him.
it's bed time. somehow another long weekend kindof escaped me. and i feel like i wasted the majority of it. luckily brunch with kit today was awesome, and seeing everyone at favorite bar was great. super talkative, super friendly. it was a nice way to start my day after the way i woke up.
i don't know. looking at that dating site was a bad idea, because now it's all i can think about. so much easier a way to meet boys than having the balls to go up to them in public.
if only i were really single. if only i didn't have baggage. if only i just wanted to get laid and didn't care about anything else.
then it would be easy.
karaoke was a great idea, in hindsight. though it didn't feel like it at all at the time.
it was a little tense for a bit, mixing workers and friends. but after a few drinks, everyone loosened up and then we really started singing and performing. and by the end of the drunkenness, the entire room of 8 was singing 'bohemian rhapsody'. which sounded lame to me in the beginning. but everyone knew the words, so it ended up being a highlight.
dave and ash even showed up, but ash was in a funk because kim and pam were there. and they all kinda don't like each other, because we all used to work together. and there had been a falling out. but like i said, everyone got drunk enough to sing and get past it.
it helped me feel better about my real birthday night. because every person who said they would make it actually showed up. it's like everyone knows by now that i get really bummed when people flake on me. it was a great birthday, in the end. even if it did take a few days to celebrate it.
for being as afraid as i was about singing, i sure hid it well. when it was just kit and i in the beginning, we started toying with the machine. and once i started practicing, it was on.
and kit recorded me singing 'telephone' for my sister, which was hopefully as good as it felt when i did it. i really hammed it up, stood up and danced and the whole nine.
i guess part of it, too, is that i was trying to get other people into it, and showing them that i was perfectly willing to make an ass of myself in front of them made me feel like they'd feel better about chiming in. and what was super cool was that all of us could actually sing. ash and dave's duets were awesome. dave in general was awesome, because he loved singing the girl parts of songs, and he's one of the funniest people i know. i wish ash had felt better, but it just means that i'm going to have to get kit in a room with them when former employees aren't present.
and ashley from work showed up, and because she'd taken relaxers earlier in the day after a panic attack, she was super drunk after just a couple beers. so i felt like i was taking care of her, which made me act slightly less drunk than i felt.
suffice it to say that drinking to get the free room was a good idea. but we were all pretty sloppy by 8 when we left to find food.
anyway, i felt like a rock star last night. and even though i only got up in front of a few people to sing, it gave me a little confidence that i could do it in a different way, someday, if i ever felt the desire to.
we ended up getting food and cabbing it home, and i drank a bunch of water and went to bed. i wasn't drunk anymore, and felt pretty awful. part of me wanted one more beer. but the other part of me decided that four was enough and that second drunk wouldn't be nearly as much fun as original drunk from 5 to 8.
so today i spent over an hour, anonymously looking up boys on that dating site the girls busted ever on this summer.
what is outrageous is that i saw that boy conor that liked this summer. he was the only person i saw that i knew.
i was impressed by the number of hot guys. and the number of jersey guidos who actually talk about getting tans. and the number of scary looking guys. and the number of guys who take pictures with their girlfriends. or girls in general. and their dogs.
so i noted the ones that were funny and cute and in the age bracket i selected. which, for a 33 year old girl, i am not embarrassed to say that the age range was 23 to 33.
well, actually, i am. but i'm trying not to be. if only there hadn't been so many 23 year olds that were so cute, i might have been inspired to change the age bracket. but there were. so i wasn't.
maybe someday i will actually put myself on the site. it was fun to see what guys present to the world on dating sites. i was tempted to today. in all honesty. but at the same time, i couldn't do it. because honestly, even though i consider myself to be 'single', i felt more compelled to check 'married'. i think that is the reason why i am so reluctant to even try to pick up a guy.
how do i explain my situation? i don't want to say married, or divorcing, or divorced (because it's not entirely true). i don't want to say that i want a fuck buddy. because more than that, i want to make out. and if i met a cute sweet boy, i'd want to hang out, too.
why am i so hard to categorize?
i don't know.
and maybe if i hadn't had that whole dream last night, i wouldn't have been so into it.
this was the dream:
in my dream, i was at the house. only it was five stories, like a gigantic warehouse.
there was a loading dock off back. huge cement stairs, freestanding, like in a stadium.
there was a top floor and there was a show up there. i accidentally found it, and immediately had to get out.
mom, dad, and aubree were there with me.
new girl was brown hair and braces. very young. red shirt. arms crossed and with him. as in, attached to him.
his hair was brown and kinda bowl cut. like a preppy 90s guy (probably influenced by buffy).
there was a ton of people there. karla was with me. went to get something specific.
but while we were walking this guy fell on his skateboard - there were a bunch of ramps, a skate park in the house - and he was knocked out. he was hurt really badly, like paralyzed. so someone called an ambulance. frede was walking up and down the stairs all night. we kept seeing each other, but didn't speak until the end, he wouldn't make eye contact with me the first few times.
he didn't acknowledge me until we were all blocked in the stairwell, trying to get out.
at the end, there was a fake gunfight on the dock over a car they both wanted, a bmw or something. these girl securitiy guards had real guns, but they weren't loaded. but they were acting like they were shooting each other.
ever had an ipad for the house and i was finding a movie to start playing for everyone. but the one i picked was a social distortion documentary, and i stopped it because it wasn't what i thought it would be. but everyone was getting angry because i changed it.
at one point i had to grab onto a press, and lay on the arm to swing myself around to leave, it was over the edge of a big dropoff. i got white ink on the arms and chest of my black hoodie.
he carried the hurt guy up the stairs once he woke up. everyone looked at him like a hero. but the guy was paralyzed, and i knew that he was probably going to kill him because he didn't leave him stationary and wait for the ambulance.
once i decided that i wanted to leave, i couldn't leave off docks in the end. it was like the bottom of the cement ramps became the tops. so every time i'd head up to leave, i'd end up at the bottom. i just wanted out.
once i realized that i couldn't leave that way, i had to go back up the cement staircase and this girl started to sway it like a suspension bridge. she almost fell off because she was being an idiot, she did a front flip in the air when she lost her balance, and landed back on the stairs.
aubree was really upset. she was aubree, only she was infant sized, and i was carrying her everywhere. mom and dad just stayed lost and i couldn't find them.
i was talking to people there, about why i was there or whatever. but they were my friends more than his. it was the people who were there, not that they were my friends kyla and other friends of aubree's.
in any case, none of that detail really matters. i guess because it stayed with me all day, that's why i included it here.
because at some point this week, i have to go to the house. it's not an option. and that means that i have to communicate with ever.
when i woke up, it was a nightmare, and as per the usual, i was paralyzed, flat on my back. and i had to tell myself not to cry, because when i woke up i had tears in the corner of my eyes, and the stress of it all was just the worst way to wake up at 7 am on a day off.
i don't want to go to work tomorrow. or for the next week.
but, one week from tomorrow, i'll be flying home. so i have to power through it.
and today, over scrabble, i set up a game night with james and jess for tuesday night. i do wonder if they'll ask about anything related to ever. because i try really hard to not talk about it at all in front of mutual friends. because i don't want to alienate anyone who is willing to spend time with me despite my leaving him.
it's bed time. somehow another long weekend kindof escaped me. and i feel like i wasted the majority of it. luckily brunch with kit today was awesome, and seeing everyone at favorite bar was great. super talkative, super friendly. it was a nice way to start my day after the way i woke up.
i don't know. looking at that dating site was a bad idea, because now it's all i can think about. so much easier a way to meet boys than having the balls to go up to them in public.
if only i were really single. if only i didn't have baggage. if only i just wanted to get laid and didn't care about anything else.
then it would be easy.
smh. twelve eleven.
it's been a really crazy 36 hours.
first of all, after i posted that last post, i decided to take a bubble bath to calm down. i put the bose dock in the bathroom, and played american analog set, which i've been listening to quite a bit lately.
it felt strange to pull a bath without chalk being there, because the only bubble baths i've had in the last several years were the few we took.
so i think that started me on a path to being sad. i was so worked up and anxious and scared, getting in. but the warmth was precisely what i needed. i sat for a few minutes with my eyes closed, trying to make it all go away, including the lonely leftover feeling from the birthday.
then it became too much. with the thought, 'i want to go HOME. i want my mom', i started to cry. and i let loose. and then it was over. and i did not want to get out of the bath. it started to cool down, and i added hot water to prolong it. and sat and soaked and had another cry.
kit was coming by to hang out and talk, so i'd told her to let herself in when she got there. i got out of the bath, and got dressed. i felt better, calmer, but was still a little zonked from crying. and i sat down, contemplating a cigarette. and heard the front door open. i assumed it was kit, but heard her talking to someone.
i looked down at what i was wearing, thinking she brought her friend bobby with her. i opened my door, and saw her alone. i asked who she had with her, and MY MOM came up the stairs behind her.
i was in total shock.
i really couldn't believe my eyes. suddenly a couple things made sense, and there was this weepy head shaking thing i was doing, trying to grasp what was going on.
she had flown up for my surgery. and kit stayed for a bit, telling how they'd pulled off the surprise. and she left, and mom and i sat on the couch talking for a long time. and on the floor talking, and back on the couch talking.
she was the best distraction. i told both of them about the bath, and my intense homesickness right before they showed up. and i kept telling her that if had been alone, i probably would have been rocking back and forth on the couch all night, worrying and stressing.
so we talked about ever and divorce stuff. about everything except the surgery in the morning. she made me eat food, even though i wasn't hungry.
there were a few things that we laughed about. i was proud that i didn't tear open all the packages she had sent me, because i would have been so embarrassed. at the same time, she said she would have understood. after the week i had, she said she would have opened them all, too.
when kit was there, i logged into the mortgage account, and ever had finally paid november's mortgage on my birthday. happy birthday to me. even though he's still a couple weeks behind this month, it gave me some breathing room. instead of making that payment in two weeks, i now have a little more time.
he didn't pay the insurance, but i'm going to survive making that payment. it will be okay. it can be his 'fuck off' christmas present from little ole me.
so that was that night. mom fell asleep next to me on the couch, while i was watching an episode of buffy. it was 1130. i really had wanted to go to bed early, but i knew i would have failed at that anyway. so it was fine to be up talking to mom about everything that wasn't surgery related.
i took nyquil and drank as much water as i could stomach, because i wasn't allowed anything after midnight.
landlord has the heat cranked. thinking i was being kind, i texted him to tell him that it was super warm, and he could bump down the thermostat.
i knew that when i woke up (if somehow i was able to sleep) i would be totally dried out from the heat. he turned it down, but it was still roasting.
when i woke up, i realized i had slept through the night, which surprised me.
nerves like woah, but better because mom was there.
and i had a text from landlord, telling me not to smoke in the hall because he could smell smoke. he'd sent it at 1130 the night before. so i texted him back at 615 in the morning that i never smoke inside. and walked down the stairs as loudly as i could. hoping to wake him. what a dick.
so we went to the hospital.
got there on time. there was no referral so i had to deal with calling my doctor while i waited for the ultrasound.
get there, get undressed and into a robe. it's freezing. in the hospital, what else is new. go into the room once the tech showed up for work.
so she's doing the ultrasound, and my surgeon is looking at it, and neither of them see anything that doesn't belong. so she brings in another doctor to look and he can't see anything either.
so what the three of them determined is that there's nothing in my armpit that isn't fat or breast tissue. so there's no specific lump of anything else that can be removed.
how no one came to this conclusion after the first two ultrasounds and first three office visits, i will never understand.
i mean, what if he hadn't ordered the ultrasound before he cut into me? mid-surgery he might have poked around and seen it. or might not have.
so i'm laying there on the table, the tech and other doctor had left, all 'nothing more to see here' like.
and he said, 'it's the easiest thing for me to cut you open. the problem is that if there's no specific thing to take out, and i just start taking stuff out, i might not get everything that is bothering you. it might heal and that same lump might still be there. if you want me to do the surgery, i will. but at this point, you should be able to rest easy knowing that there's nothing in there that shouldn't be.'
then he asked me if i wanted him to talk to my mom and kit. and i said no. that i would tell them. so i walked in after getting dressed. and said, 'guess who's not getting surgery today?'
mom and kit said it was a birthday miracle, but i wasn't so sure. honestly, i was really pretty pissed off.
it was just so strange.
i was so ready for it. i mean, scared shitless, yes. afraid of the pain and being put under, yes. but i was ready to have that thing out of my body. i had decided several times over that it was worth the tradeoff.
and for him to basically tell me that he didn't want to risk anything for nothing? it just blew my mind.
i guess more than anything, i can't understand how it got to that point. i know that originally he didn't want to do the surgery, just because it was a tiny lump and because the area is so nerve/node laden.
but to have this thing around for so long. and to finally get everything lined up to do it. all the money and office visits. and then canceled.
worse still, that my mom came up and surprised me. just for the surgery.
if she hadn't been sitting there with me, and listening to me talk about it for weeks, i doubt she would have believed that it really got canceled as it was supposed to be starting.
it made me feel like a big faker. like a slacker, work-wise. so i did what i used to do when i was little. i played hookie. and hung out with my mom all day.
she had brought a couple movies, thinking that i'd be drugged and sleeping all day. and then i was fine and not drugged. able to drive. and awake.
with no plans. too cold to walk places. and she'd already done the touristy stuff on other visits.
first priority, since ever had paid the mortgage was the other half of the new tires on my car. so i dropped a couple hundred bucks on tires. because the flat was flat again, i had to take care of it right then.
went grocery shopping. having my mom here was embarrassing. first of all, there were empty beer cans from the few days before that, dirty dishes, etc. all over the apartment. second of all, i'd just gone to wilmington that day. so my fridge was empty of food, and full of beer. so there was nothing to eat in the house. i wasn't worried about it, because i was too nervous to eat. but when she got in, i had nothing to offer her. and felt like an alcoholic. even more than i usually do.
i'd been craving this pepper steak my grandma used to make. so i asked her how to make it, and made a ton of it. it was so amazing. it was pretty similar to how my grandma used to make it. and there was something about cooking for my mom, while she hung out with me in my kitchen that just fixed me. all the broken parts from the night before, that didn't seem like i could fix, when i was soaking in the bubble bath.
then we tried to shop. went to target, and marshalls. to a few other stores. all to buy absolutely nothing except a couple types of makeup. i had set out to buy a bag. and shoes. and jeans. and a better winter hat.
but i found nothing that i liked. not a single thing.
but we drove and shopped and talked. and that was awesome. she put in for indian buffet. and so she and i went there. and then to kit's for birthday cake.
and she had put in to go to favorite bar. and was even talking a lot about having kahlua and cream (i know, i know, but it used to be her drink).
and the thought of taking my mom to the bar, much less MY bar, and getting her a drink? it was all too much. but we did go. and it was packed, and we were shouting to be heard. and she only got coffee while kit and i had a beer. it was short lived. she just wanted to see what all the fuss was about i guess. and it came out in that conversation that it's been about 18 years since she'd had a drink. if she hadn't been so tired all day long, on the verge of falling asleep three different times, she probably would have had that drink. i still can't get over it.
to her, it probably looked like any bar. only tinier. nothing special.
but she got to meet sam. and hot bartender. so it was pretty interesting.
came home, went to bed, and got up for brunch before her flight out.
so that was the 36 hours of craziness. i still kindof can't believe it.
i just kept shaking my head. the whole time she was here. mostly because i couldn't believe that my surgery was canceled. it became almost habitual. every time i was silent, i was thinking about it, and the instinct was to shake my head. and she'd ask if i was thinking about it again.
it's just such a strange thing. i was horrified. yet, that morning, it was like i had a talk with myself. saying, 'self. today we are going to have a surgery. it's not a big deal. you're going to sleep and then wake up and then sleep again. you're going to feel gross and then fine and then probably be in a lot of pain. but for once and for all, this thing is going to be behind you.'
and then none of that even happened. yet, the anxiety leading up to the moment it was canceled was enough to make me want to sleep. mom and i were both ready for a nap by 11. well, that combined with the fact that we were all awake at 530 for it.
shaking my head.
and then when that shock finally wore off, and we went to dinner, i was still shaking my head, only then it was all about ever. i guess because i'm still afraid of seeing him when i go there. but i just kept thinking about how happy i was that he paid the mortgage.
i guess he collected rent and paid it with that. too bad we're still a month late. but it buys more time. time to save up more after i go home and spend money, and come back and pay bills. more time to get that court order. more time to file other petitions against him. just more time.
when you want something over with so badly, all you want is for the time you have to wait to pass, so you can move to the next phase. but with this, it's a strange dichotomy, because on one hand i want time to go by, so it can be over with. yet i need time to financially prepare, so i need it to pass slowly.
there's no winning with him.
but for those hours, i didn't much care about it. certainly not as much as i did when i thought i was going to have to cough up all that money for the mortgage before going home. or while i was there.
having my mom here was a very special treat. a little taste of home when i was so super homesick. i really think that the last time i was that homesick might have been when i was living in tahoe.
i would never have asked her to come up. and i could not have known how much i wanted her there, until i had her here with me. i probably would have realized it post surgery. and if it hadn't happened, then maybe i wouldn't have. but she was exactly what i needed. and i loved having her here. i got choked up this morning dropping her off. my mom is just so amazing. such an incredible lady. and the best mom ever. and it was so short lived, the visit. but it was so condensed and sweet.
i'm really grateful. and i'll try to complain less. because seriously? i have it pretty good.
first of all, after i posted that last post, i decided to take a bubble bath to calm down. i put the bose dock in the bathroom, and played american analog set, which i've been listening to quite a bit lately.
it felt strange to pull a bath without chalk being there, because the only bubble baths i've had in the last several years were the few we took.
so i think that started me on a path to being sad. i was so worked up and anxious and scared, getting in. but the warmth was precisely what i needed. i sat for a few minutes with my eyes closed, trying to make it all go away, including the lonely leftover feeling from the birthday.
then it became too much. with the thought, 'i want to go HOME. i want my mom', i started to cry. and i let loose. and then it was over. and i did not want to get out of the bath. it started to cool down, and i added hot water to prolong it. and sat and soaked and had another cry.
kit was coming by to hang out and talk, so i'd told her to let herself in when she got there. i got out of the bath, and got dressed. i felt better, calmer, but was still a little zonked from crying. and i sat down, contemplating a cigarette. and heard the front door open. i assumed it was kit, but heard her talking to someone.
i looked down at what i was wearing, thinking she brought her friend bobby with her. i opened my door, and saw her alone. i asked who she had with her, and MY MOM came up the stairs behind her.
i was in total shock.
i really couldn't believe my eyes. suddenly a couple things made sense, and there was this weepy head shaking thing i was doing, trying to grasp what was going on.
she had flown up for my surgery. and kit stayed for a bit, telling how they'd pulled off the surprise. and she left, and mom and i sat on the couch talking for a long time. and on the floor talking, and back on the couch talking.
she was the best distraction. i told both of them about the bath, and my intense homesickness right before they showed up. and i kept telling her that if had been alone, i probably would have been rocking back and forth on the couch all night, worrying and stressing.
so we talked about ever and divorce stuff. about everything except the surgery in the morning. she made me eat food, even though i wasn't hungry.
there were a few things that we laughed about. i was proud that i didn't tear open all the packages she had sent me, because i would have been so embarrassed. at the same time, she said she would have understood. after the week i had, she said she would have opened them all, too.
when kit was there, i logged into the mortgage account, and ever had finally paid november's mortgage on my birthday. happy birthday to me. even though he's still a couple weeks behind this month, it gave me some breathing room. instead of making that payment in two weeks, i now have a little more time.
he didn't pay the insurance, but i'm going to survive making that payment. it will be okay. it can be his 'fuck off' christmas present from little ole me.
so that was that night. mom fell asleep next to me on the couch, while i was watching an episode of buffy. it was 1130. i really had wanted to go to bed early, but i knew i would have failed at that anyway. so it was fine to be up talking to mom about everything that wasn't surgery related.
i took nyquil and drank as much water as i could stomach, because i wasn't allowed anything after midnight.
landlord has the heat cranked. thinking i was being kind, i texted him to tell him that it was super warm, and he could bump down the thermostat.
i knew that when i woke up (if somehow i was able to sleep) i would be totally dried out from the heat. he turned it down, but it was still roasting.
when i woke up, i realized i had slept through the night, which surprised me.
nerves like woah, but better because mom was there.
and i had a text from landlord, telling me not to smoke in the hall because he could smell smoke. he'd sent it at 1130 the night before. so i texted him back at 615 in the morning that i never smoke inside. and walked down the stairs as loudly as i could. hoping to wake him. what a dick.
so we went to the hospital.
got there on time. there was no referral so i had to deal with calling my doctor while i waited for the ultrasound.
get there, get undressed and into a robe. it's freezing. in the hospital, what else is new. go into the room once the tech showed up for work.
so she's doing the ultrasound, and my surgeon is looking at it, and neither of them see anything that doesn't belong. so she brings in another doctor to look and he can't see anything either.
so what the three of them determined is that there's nothing in my armpit that isn't fat or breast tissue. so there's no specific lump of anything else that can be removed.
how no one came to this conclusion after the first two ultrasounds and first three office visits, i will never understand.
i mean, what if he hadn't ordered the ultrasound before he cut into me? mid-surgery he might have poked around and seen it. or might not have.
so i'm laying there on the table, the tech and other doctor had left, all 'nothing more to see here' like.
and he said, 'it's the easiest thing for me to cut you open. the problem is that if there's no specific thing to take out, and i just start taking stuff out, i might not get everything that is bothering you. it might heal and that same lump might still be there. if you want me to do the surgery, i will. but at this point, you should be able to rest easy knowing that there's nothing in there that shouldn't be.'
then he asked me if i wanted him to talk to my mom and kit. and i said no. that i would tell them. so i walked in after getting dressed. and said, 'guess who's not getting surgery today?'
mom and kit said it was a birthday miracle, but i wasn't so sure. honestly, i was really pretty pissed off.
it was just so strange.
i was so ready for it. i mean, scared shitless, yes. afraid of the pain and being put under, yes. but i was ready to have that thing out of my body. i had decided several times over that it was worth the tradeoff.
and for him to basically tell me that he didn't want to risk anything for nothing? it just blew my mind.
i guess more than anything, i can't understand how it got to that point. i know that originally he didn't want to do the surgery, just because it was a tiny lump and because the area is so nerve/node laden.
but to have this thing around for so long. and to finally get everything lined up to do it. all the money and office visits. and then canceled.
worse still, that my mom came up and surprised me. just for the surgery.
if she hadn't been sitting there with me, and listening to me talk about it for weeks, i doubt she would have believed that it really got canceled as it was supposed to be starting.
it made me feel like a big faker. like a slacker, work-wise. so i did what i used to do when i was little. i played hookie. and hung out with my mom all day.
she had brought a couple movies, thinking that i'd be drugged and sleeping all day. and then i was fine and not drugged. able to drive. and awake.
with no plans. too cold to walk places. and she'd already done the touristy stuff on other visits.
first priority, since ever had paid the mortgage was the other half of the new tires on my car. so i dropped a couple hundred bucks on tires. because the flat was flat again, i had to take care of it right then.
went grocery shopping. having my mom here was embarrassing. first of all, there were empty beer cans from the few days before that, dirty dishes, etc. all over the apartment. second of all, i'd just gone to wilmington that day. so my fridge was empty of food, and full of beer. so there was nothing to eat in the house. i wasn't worried about it, because i was too nervous to eat. but when she got in, i had nothing to offer her. and felt like an alcoholic. even more than i usually do.
i'd been craving this pepper steak my grandma used to make. so i asked her how to make it, and made a ton of it. it was so amazing. it was pretty similar to how my grandma used to make it. and there was something about cooking for my mom, while she hung out with me in my kitchen that just fixed me. all the broken parts from the night before, that didn't seem like i could fix, when i was soaking in the bubble bath.
then we tried to shop. went to target, and marshalls. to a few other stores. all to buy absolutely nothing except a couple types of makeup. i had set out to buy a bag. and shoes. and jeans. and a better winter hat.
but i found nothing that i liked. not a single thing.
but we drove and shopped and talked. and that was awesome. she put in for indian buffet. and so she and i went there. and then to kit's for birthday cake.
and she had put in to go to favorite bar. and was even talking a lot about having kahlua and cream (i know, i know, but it used to be her drink).
and the thought of taking my mom to the bar, much less MY bar, and getting her a drink? it was all too much. but we did go. and it was packed, and we were shouting to be heard. and she only got coffee while kit and i had a beer. it was short lived. she just wanted to see what all the fuss was about i guess. and it came out in that conversation that it's been about 18 years since she'd had a drink. if she hadn't been so tired all day long, on the verge of falling asleep three different times, she probably would have had that drink. i still can't get over it.
to her, it probably looked like any bar. only tinier. nothing special.
but she got to meet sam. and hot bartender. so it was pretty interesting.
came home, went to bed, and got up for brunch before her flight out.
so that was the 36 hours of craziness. i still kindof can't believe it.
i just kept shaking my head. the whole time she was here. mostly because i couldn't believe that my surgery was canceled. it became almost habitual. every time i was silent, i was thinking about it, and the instinct was to shake my head. and she'd ask if i was thinking about it again.
it's just such a strange thing. i was horrified. yet, that morning, it was like i had a talk with myself. saying, 'self. today we are going to have a surgery. it's not a big deal. you're going to sleep and then wake up and then sleep again. you're going to feel gross and then fine and then probably be in a lot of pain. but for once and for all, this thing is going to be behind you.'
and then none of that even happened. yet, the anxiety leading up to the moment it was canceled was enough to make me want to sleep. mom and i were both ready for a nap by 11. well, that combined with the fact that we were all awake at 530 for it.
shaking my head.
and then when that shock finally wore off, and we went to dinner, i was still shaking my head, only then it was all about ever. i guess because i'm still afraid of seeing him when i go there. but i just kept thinking about how happy i was that he paid the mortgage.
i guess he collected rent and paid it with that. too bad we're still a month late. but it buys more time. time to save up more after i go home and spend money, and come back and pay bills. more time to get that court order. more time to file other petitions against him. just more time.
when you want something over with so badly, all you want is for the time you have to wait to pass, so you can move to the next phase. but with this, it's a strange dichotomy, because on one hand i want time to go by, so it can be over with. yet i need time to financially prepare, so i need it to pass slowly.
there's no winning with him.
but for those hours, i didn't much care about it. certainly not as much as i did when i thought i was going to have to cough up all that money for the mortgage before going home. or while i was there.
having my mom here was a very special treat. a little taste of home when i was so super homesick. i really think that the last time i was that homesick might have been when i was living in tahoe.
i would never have asked her to come up. and i could not have known how much i wanted her there, until i had her here with me. i probably would have realized it post surgery. and if it hadn't happened, then maybe i wouldn't have. but she was exactly what i needed. and i loved having her here. i got choked up this morning dropping her off. my mom is just so amazing. such an incredible lady. and the best mom ever. and it was so short lived, the visit. but it was so condensed and sweet.
i'm really grateful. and i'll try to complain less. because seriously? i have it pretty good.
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