the morning after. feb 12th.

this morning i am smiling.

this morning it's okay that i'm still in bed. because i woke up early. because i am excited.


maybe it was that i had to pay the mortgage, because i forgot to last night.

or maybe it was because i woke up from a dream about robbie, where we were walking around and talking. i found him at home depot, and we went to a restaurant where most of my friends were. and introduced him to everybody.

and he kissed kit on the cheek, because they knew of each other.

and then he had to leave, and when he went to kiss my cheek, i turned my head and he kissed my lips instead, and walked away. and my lips were tingling.


so maybe it was because i was having a nice dream about being kissed.


but i woke up, paid the mortgage and changed all my account info to reflect me instead of ever.


i should probably back up.

yesterday morning.

i woke up and stopped at the post office on my way to work, because mom had mailed a valentine's package to me. i had no idea.

so i went to work and lawyer called.

ever had called him at 6 on thursday. despite my telling them both that i needed to know asap if we were meeting on friday so i could arrange my delaware day around it, neither of them bothered to tell me on thursday.

so he called and said that they wanted to meet on friday. ever had realized much later, as i had, that monday was valentine's day. and he really didn't want to sign divorce papers on valentine's day.

i told him i wanted a divorce last valentine's day (forever with ever is over post). and it seemed cruel to have it signed this valentine's day.


so he was ready to sign yesterday instead. and i was so happy, because it was the perfect end to a friday. the perfect start to my weekend.


so i worked. drove to delaware. and drove to lawyer's office from there. which is over an hour drive.

so i got there a little before him. and said hi. and he came in and lawyer went over all the paperwork, so ever wouldn't be confused about what he was signing.

and ever was quiet. and he smelled dirty. he looked rough, as per the usual.

he was on something again, maybe just stoned. he was talking with his exaggeratedly thick tongue.

after he went over the property settlement agreement, he had ever sign the divorce decree and the waiver.

and ever turned and made a joke that all three of us laughed at. he said, 'are you sure you want to divorce me? there's no going back if i sign this...'

and i said, 'yes please.'

it was the tone he took, and the fact that he had the pen to the paper. i don't know. sometimes he's really not funny, but right then? he was very funny.

so he signed off, saying that we are divorced. that he won't make the court wait 20 days to process the divorce, which is standard.

then we had to wait for the notary to get there.

and so i wrote out the $1 check for the quitclaim deed. because anytime you sign a deed, it has to be purchased. and whenever something like this happens, you just make the purchase price $1. it was funny. but it was done.

and because of the court order, and because ever didn't have the money to pay the mortgage, we agreed to take it out of the money for the buyout. so i cut him the check for the difference and agreed to pay the mortgage and late fees to start over and be the responsible one.

and then we went to the neighboring office after lawyer checked to make sure the girl was there. he kept leaving us in the office alone together for a little bit while he checked. the first time he did it, ever went to smoke. the second time he did it, i went to the bathroom. and the third time he did it, ever asked how aubree is doing. and i told him that she's well. about to graduate and apply to med school. studying for the mcats. and i told him about grandma's surgery. and he asked about grandpa. and i told him about the day of the pill mixup, but that other than little slips here and there, that he is ornery as always and doing well. and i asked if he ended up going home, and he said no. and i thought he was going to cry. but he didn't. and then lawyer walked back in.

so we went to the office across the hall, and signed and notarized everything. and went back to lawyer's to get our things and divvy up copies of everything.

and it was done. it was over. and lawyer shook his hand, and i gave him a hug. and he left.

and we let him have a minute to get out of earshot. and lawyer said, 'that was sad. like a breakup or something.'

and i nodded. it reminded me of a time, in our second apartment. maybe two years into the marriage. we'd had an argument, and i was pissed at him for being lazy and not helping me, when i was working in the airport and really tired. he said, 'i feel like if we weren't married, you'd be breaking up with me. do you want to break up with me?'

and i don't remember how the conversation went, but i told him that, yeah, if we weren't married, i'd dump him and start over. i was that upset. that early on. and i can't say that it became a running joke, but there were more times over the years when things were rough and he'd ask if i wanted to break up with him.


it's funny the things you think about. when it's finally over.


but i shook lawyer's hand and thanked him repeatedly. told him to send the final bills so i could be squared away with him.


i need to redo all that work that kit and i did at the bar the day i had my last meltdown. when i got so overwhelmed that i shut down.

because now all the variables are solved, so now i can make an accurate timeline.

now i need to start packing.

and i just don't want to.


it's funny. when i left him, i was so angry that i sped through packing. it was like i had been waiting to pack. and i think i started packing stuff before i even told him i was leaving. in secret, while he was sleeping or working upstairs. the stuff that i didn't need.

in fact, i remember reorganizing our bookshelf. because i knew he wouldn't notice. i made two shelves mine and two his. because it was time consuming. and i knew i could get away with it. and that it would help later, when i packed openly. and i remember telling my shrink about it. like admitting that i had done it. it was a gateway.


when i think back on the last year, so many things happen. i feel on the verge of tears right now, remembering. the little death of my marriage. it's the one year anniversary of the death in two days. i feel like i should be putting calla lilies on its grave or something. but where is it even buried? i felt, when i passed the place we were married in florida last summer and this winter, that it was there. that the rotting corpse and the awful reminders were somehow there.

but i think that once i'm in the house, it will feel like it's in the house. like a scary little monster that lives in the tiny wedge under the first floor staircase.


so i drove home and started calling people and telling them it was over.

i started with nina. she texted me literally as i got into my car, asking me if it was over. and i got out of germantown, and onto the highway and called her to tell her.

then my parents. and dad picked up and i sang, 'all the single ladies, all the single ladies'. and he cracked up, but didn't know the song and thought i was saying 'i'm a single lady'.

so i told him it was over and thanked him profusely for making it happen. between the idea and the money. it was all him.

and he said he was so glad that it was over, for me. and i got off the phone and called kit to tell her, left her a voicemail with the same song.


so then i was home. i had raced because landlord was showing the apartment at 530 without telling me. he texted me at 430 while i was at lawyer's, and i knew traffic would suck and that i needed to get there quickly. i imagined something embarrassing, like dirty underwear in the bathroom floor, and raced back. i made it, too. i had a couple minutes. it wouldn't have been the end of the world if i hadn't made it, but luckily i made it.

and then i ate some food. i hadn't eaten all day. i'd had two coffees and popped an ativan on the way to lawyer's because i was feeling racy and sick nervous.

so i had my leftovers and watched a nip/tuck. and kit and realtor had been asking me to go to the movies with their women's group. and i really didn't want to see 'black swan', so i almost didn't go.

but the thought of being alone in my apartment on such a happy day was too sad for even me. so i went.

and the outing was fun. but i really didn't care about the movie.

i think that, after knowing someone who danced and had anorexia because of it, paired with really not caring for classical music at all, or ballet, it was just not for me.

i like natalie portman. seeing her that skinny was rough. and it's a hard movie to watch anyway, it's supposed to be. and thankfully there are tons of sex scenes in nip/tuck, so i've acclimated to seeing them recently. because otherwise, i don't think i could have sunk into my chair enough to feel comfortable with the variety of scenes in that movie.

someone we went with described it as being a visceral experience. and i think that was spot on. it affected me. it's not like the movie was stupid or poorly done. just not for me.

everyone else loved it. and i cracked up when it ended, and realtor asked if there was a therapist in the house.

i was already in a strange mood. i think i expected some kind of a party because it was finally over. instead i ended up tagging along on a movie night.

beer after the movie was fun though. really loud. but fun. went to a place that used to be a dive bar with a teeny stage for punk shows, mostly. i had gone once. it was dark and dirty. they redid it a couple months ago. and serve really good food now, and have a lot of craft beers that weren't too pricey. so that part of the night was fun.

and then five of us piled into one cab and made a double stop. which was fun. we were laughing and talking about the gym the whole way home. and kit had to work today, so she went home. and i had said that if sam had been working at favorite bar, i'd go there after, but would just go home instead. and i started walking with kit, and saw sam with owner. owner asked us how we ended up, because earlier in the week we were having a crazy day. so i said that my divorce was final and they both gave me hugs.

so we went and talked to them for a while, and kit went home and i went inside.

but ended up wishing i'd just have gone home. sam was telling me to come in for a beer, but once i sat next to her and owner, they were just talking and looking at pics together the whole time, and not including me in the conversation.

so i drank fast, and came home, and went to bed with snacks. i wasn't hungry, but felt like i should probably eat something to go with the beers i'd had. other than bar fries and popcorn at the movies.


so now it's my first day of being officially single. and i had planned to set up my profile today. but part of me thinks that i should wait until the day after valentines day. not only to clear the one year alone mark officially. but also because how sad is it to join a dating site two days before?

all week, the theme of the week was, 'tea? you think too much.'

i heard it from so many people, about so many different things.

and it's true.


so i tried to tastefully acknowledge my divorce on fb. i merely changed my relationship status to single.

and part of my overthinking is thinking that some mutual friends will unfriend me. for thinking i'm insensitive.

part is wondering if certain people noticed. like such as intern.


to change the subject, briefly, a week ago, chalk started a scrabble game with me. first interaction with him since i ignored his text while i was home, saying we could hang out in a different capacity. he called it 'i miss miss tea'.

and today, i had a word to play in it. and last night, he wrote 'how's the sex life? need me to fly up and take care of business?'

and i didn't know what to say, really. i needed to think about it. and i should be able to be direct with him and say, 'no thank you.'

but i just couldn't.

and then i accidentally hit the return key mid sentence, so there was no editing, no going back.

and what i said was that the divorce was final and that i'm going to start dating, because i never actually did that before.

i didn't respond to him exactly. but i didn't have a chance to undo it and think some more.

oh, well.

if he doesn't get the hint, i'll have to be more direct.

i am no longer interested in you, good sir. thanks for the seriously amazing one and a half visits. i really wish i could forget the second half of that one trip, because it ruined our little arrangement. and i wish that i'd been able to enjoy myself in florida, but i just didn't. you snapped my last nerve. and i think i can only survive being in a room with you if there's duct tape over your mouth. otherwise, you make me insane. and unfortunately, you can't compensate enough in bed to detract from that. sorry. you're crossed off the list.

ugh.

sorry.

needed to get that out of my system. i only had one fuck buddy and now he is eliminated. i have to start over and attempt to build a roster from scratch. how am i ever going to do that?

i don't know. but the dating site is a good place to start.

362 days. 2 11 2011.

362 days. in the year of 11's, it was february 11 that stood out.


it's not really sinking in quite yet.

i know. it will.

when the beer of this friday night out wears off, maybe.

or maybe when i start packing.

maybe when i actually spend my first night back in the house.

maybe when i think i can be ever's friend.

maybe when i don't have a two beer per day minimum.


it could be any of these things, or something random. like tonight. hearing a descendents song in a bar. and going, 'holy fuck. i'm not his wife anymore.'


today, ever granted my divorce.

today, i saw him for the last time in my lawyer's office.

today made me realize that every penny i spent on my lawyer was worth it.

because today? today ever signed.

he took the money after he signed the divorce decree and the property settlement. i gave him $1 for the deed he signed over to me.


today i became single.

tomorrow, i become an online dater.


tonight, standing outside a bar in the yuppiest, douchiest part of center city, i was ready to just walk up to any random passerby and kiss him good and hard on the lips.

because as long as i have been separated, there was some guilt associated with thinking about being with someone else.

and tonight? none.

tonight i wanted to fuck some random dude. just because i could.


i didn't.

and i know it's probably better that way.

but tonight i could have. not for an offer or anything like that. but i could have because i wouldn't have to justify not explaining at some point that, technically, i'm married.


i'm so glad that it is over. and i wonder how long it will take to sink in. and when.

sunrise. february 9th.

yes.

so, last night, i was on the phone with my parents. going over the whole story from court, because i hadn't told my dad yet.

and i wasn't as wound up as i was on monday, leaving court. or after the shrink and talking to everyone about it. or as freaked out as i was when i didn't know where i was going to live that night.


but i was still upset.


and if i had just opened my email when i got home from work, after the sneaky hate spiral post. if i had looked while i was on the phone with them, i would have gotten his email, and known that much sooner. and been that much less upset for that much less time.


so as it was, i got off the phone with my parents, telling them i'd call if i saw anything.

i had spent the afternoon cleaning my apartment for the showings, because i won't be home in time from work today to clean before they come through.

so i was trying to put everything away and get it all together, then vacuum, then swiffer, before i let myself get online. and, i had drink plans with realtor, so i needed to finish before i let myself go out. and if one thing can derail my motivation and my ability to accomplish things i set out to do, it's the internet.

i had finished almost everything, and got online to see if realtor had emailed me. and saw a cryptic email from lawyer that said something about an email response to ever.

and i couldn't tell from what he had written if it was a good email or a bad email. so i went into my other email account and read the first two lines of ever's email.

and squealed. and jumped up and down. and laughed and squealed some more.



and called my parents back maybe 15 minutes after i'd hung up with them. and they were almost as happy as i was, outwardly.

i felt light. i felt happy. i felt EXCITED.

and i talked to them through the tiny phase of acceptance. when i was actually grateful to be moving back into the house. when i realized that, although it's not signed yet, it's so close to being over. freedom is so close to my grasp that i can smell it, hear it, feel it, taste it, see it.

it smells like drywall mud and cleaning products. it sounds like other people shuffling around in my living space. it feels like a much cooler temperature my boiling hot apartment. it tastes like things that are cooked in my custom kitchen, like things that are baked in an oven that doesn't burn everything that goes in. i mean, everything tastes better today. it looks like i'll have a dating profile in a matter of days, not weeks or months. and more literally, it looks like the prettiest sunrise i have seen in a long time. i thought it was just a heightened appreciation, but i wasn't the only person to notice it, so it was definitely spectacular.


it's going to be okay.

toughing it out at the house is so much easier and better than finding some third place to live and having to decide blindly what type of a lease to sign.

owning the house alone gives me so much control over my own future that, when i think about it, i get a little dizzy.

i'll love having space for people; house guests, game nights, art nights. i'll love cooking dinner and having too much counter space surrounding me. i'll learn to love having roommates and living somewhere for free and getting out of debt. FINALLY.

i'll love being able to have a puppy again, if i decide to. rescue some sweet awesome dog if i decide that i can be a good mommy to it.


as good as things feel today, i don't know that i will ever get over the guilt that i feel about uprooting him. and i know how stupid that sounds, because he did bring this on himself.

but moving everything he owns is going to suck. it's why i left him in there. and it's going to be sad having all this empty space because i don't own anything. seeing space where there used to be none. having a ton of space to myself that he wouldn't let me claim when i lived there.

i still can't believe that he let himself get here. he was SET. he was living there for free and having all that space. and now he is going to have to pay more to live in a smaller space. he's going to have to get a JOB. and pay rent. be a tenant.

he's about to go through what i've been going through. only the exaggerated version of that.

and i do feel guilt about other things, too. again, it's not my fault, he had complete control to change his situation. but i feel bad that he is alone. i feel bad that his health sucks. that this chunk of money, that is probably bigger than any chunk of money he's been given in his entire life, is just going to erase part of his irresponsibility from the past year. not even all of it. and that it won't even be a nest egg, or a starting point. because he has already spent it.

i don't know. maybe he can take the disability route. i can't imagine him working for a living. for someone else. i mean, who knows, he might have had work lately through the business, but i highly doubt it.


alright. back to being happy and carefree...


so last night, after i started spreading the word, i went out with realtor. and things were coming in. everyone was as relieved and happy as i was. lauren said it made her night. everyone wants to celebrate.

it's exciting to have something to celebrate. there's this liz phair line from whitechocolatespaceegg. she says 'it feels like relieving a headache'.

that is how i feel.


so i went to a different bar, in order to not wear favorite bar out.

and i ate before i went, to save some money. and i bought realtor a couple beers.

i am so grateful to make yet another friend. who is in nearly the very same boat that lauren and i ended up in.

it's crazy how similar we all are to each other, what we have been through, how we feel now, how we felt then, all of it.


and i'm glad for the house, too, because knowing that i'm going to be here for a while longer has let me open up to making more friends before i leave.

of course, realtor thinks i'm dumb for leaving. because she is a realtor, she knows of this vacant bar in our neighborhood. and wants a few of us to go in on it together, and have our coffee shop/bar.

it's funny, because she gave me a different perspective. this whole time, i was convinced that i couldn't do what i want to do here, because it's so saturated.

and she made me think of it differently. last night was the perfect example. my three bars are worn out and a little too far from her. and the bar we went to sucks. neither of us liked it. i picked it because i thought it was in the middle, but i had my streets mixed up, and basically made her walk almost over to me.

and there's a great bar that i forgot about, where i went with chalk when he was yelling out the window his bullshit story to the people on the sidewalk below us. and it's closer to her, but still further than she feels like going sometimes.

and she said, 'see? if we had that vacant bar, it would have been perfect for drinks tonight.'

and i shrugged it off. because, let's face it, i am moving home for at least a while. but who knows what will happen after i've worn out the vacation feel, and start to feel too enclosed in florida. thinking about ever living in florida, too, even if it was only for a few days that he was leaning that way, made me want to stay here.

and thinking that i could actually do something here? i had given up on that a long time ago. when i realized how many bars there are already. when two of my coworkers opened a cafe and how much competition they have already.

i'd rather be a pioneer. i'd rather have a big hold on the market, instead of a tiny slice of the pie. i'd rather give people something they don't have access to. and hope that there isn't a good reason for the total lack of it.


but just sitting across from another woman, who said things that kept garnering 'me too!' responses is such a good feeling. lauren and i did it a few times recently. like, 'man...i thought i was crazy this whole time!' only to find out that we aren't both crazy. knowing that there are this many women in my sample means that, across the population, we can't be alone. we can't be the only ones. and it's like having a support group.

it was refreshing. and it was fun, even when we were talking about things that weren't. and we agreed to start hanging out on mondays. whether we have art night or beer night, or dinner night, or netflix night.

just because we each spend so much time alone, dicking around. and there's no reason to be sad and alone separately.


so my shrink was right. ever's motivation was three pronged. first of all, he paid january. but couldn't charge february to his credit card, which was his plan. he would be maxing it out. and then not have any wiggle room. and the dudes are leaving town, and that's how he plans to move out. so it put a rush on the move. and they'll need access to his money if something goes wrong. so he would rather have a nice chunk of cash to keep his business afloat.

if you ask me, it was a little shortsighted. i'd at least have countered again. 10k and it's done. but he didn't. he just gave up.

and i get it. when you refuse to work and have no savings, you can't get ahead. he's just like his mother.


but for me? i'll be perfectly fine. i'll have security deposit, and rent saved up from not paying last month's. i'll have rent coming in for march, hopefully. and that's going to be the head start i need.

this feels so much better.

now i just have to make sure he shows up to sign.

so close.

the money is sitting in my account to pay him. it blows my mind. my parents kick ass!


i'm having a party when this is done. i was serious about help with my dating profile. i know there are some of you who are completely objective, because you do not know who i am. i want the dust knocked off of it. i don't want to waste any time.

i'm ready to chase boys!! this is going to be the best valentine's day that i have had in eleven years. i don't care that i have no boy to share it with.

because it's about potential.

and the potential for potential.

i'll drink to that.

it's my life. february 8th, part 3.

i am the happiest woman alive.

i just got the email reply, from the one i sent saying, '$76k to buy me out.'

and it said, highlited,


'i will take the $7k. draw up the papers.'


holy fuck.

i am still shellshocked.

not only did i give him what i wanted to all along.

not only did he not drag this out.

not only did he agree.

but it is a week before valentine's day. a week from the one year mark of when i told him i was leaving.


and it is finally ending.