the morning after. feb 12th.

this morning i am smiling.

this morning it's okay that i'm still in bed. because i woke up early. because i am excited.

maybe it was that i had to pay the mortgage, because i forgot to last night.

or maybe it was because i woke up from a dream about robbie, where we were walking around and talking. i found him at home depot, and we went to a restaurant where most of my friends were. and introduced him to everybody.

and he kissed kit on the cheek, because they knew of each other.

and then he had to leave, and when he went to kiss my cheek, i turned my head and he kissed my lips instead, and walked away. and my lips were tingling.

so maybe it was because i was having a nice dream about being kissed.

but i woke up, paid the mortgage and changed all my account info to reflect me instead of ever.

i should probably back up.

yesterday morning.

i woke up and stopped at the post office on my way to work, because mom had mailed a valentine's package to me. i had no idea.

so i went to work and lawyer called.

ever had called him at 6 on thursday. despite my telling them both that i needed to know asap if we were meeting on friday so i could arrange my delaware day around it, neither of them bothered to tell me on thursday.

so he called and said that they wanted to meet on friday. ever had realized much later, as i had, that monday was valentine's day. and he really didn't want to sign divorce papers on valentine's day.

i told him i wanted a divorce last valentine's day (forever with ever is over post). and it seemed cruel to have it signed this valentine's day.

so he was ready to sign yesterday instead. and i was so happy, because it was the perfect end to a friday. the perfect start to my weekend.

so i worked. drove to delaware. and drove to lawyer's office from there. which is over an hour drive.

so i got there a little before him. and said hi. and he came in and lawyer went over all the paperwork, so ever wouldn't be confused about what he was signing.

and ever was quiet. and he smelled dirty. he looked rough, as per the usual.

he was on something again, maybe just stoned. he was talking with his exaggeratedly thick tongue.

after he went over the property settlement agreement, he had ever sign the divorce decree and the waiver.

and ever turned and made a joke that all three of us laughed at. he said, 'are you sure you want to divorce me? there's no going back if i sign this...'

and i said, 'yes please.'

it was the tone he took, and the fact that he had the pen to the paper. i don't know. sometimes he's really not funny, but right then? he was very funny.

so he signed off, saying that we are divorced. that he won't make the court wait 20 days to process the divorce, which is standard.

then we had to wait for the notary to get there.

and so i wrote out the $1 check for the quitclaim deed. because anytime you sign a deed, it has to be purchased. and whenever something like this happens, you just make the purchase price $1. it was funny. but it was done.

and because of the court order, and because ever didn't have the money to pay the mortgage, we agreed to take it out of the money for the buyout. so i cut him the check for the difference and agreed to pay the mortgage and late fees to start over and be the responsible one.

and then we went to the neighboring office after lawyer checked to make sure the girl was there. he kept leaving us in the office alone together for a little bit while he checked. the first time he did it, ever went to smoke. the second time he did it, i went to the bathroom. and the third time he did it, ever asked how aubree is doing. and i told him that she's well. about to graduate and apply to med school. studying for the mcats. and i told him about grandma's surgery. and he asked about grandpa. and i told him about the day of the pill mixup, but that other than little slips here and there, that he is ornery as always and doing well. and i asked if he ended up going home, and he said no. and i thought he was going to cry. but he didn't. and then lawyer walked back in.

so we went to the office across the hall, and signed and notarized everything. and went back to lawyer's to get our things and divvy up copies of everything.

and it was done. it was over. and lawyer shook his hand, and i gave him a hug. and he left.

and we let him have a minute to get out of earshot. and lawyer said, 'that was sad. like a breakup or something.'

and i nodded. it reminded me of a time, in our second apartment. maybe two years into the marriage. we'd had an argument, and i was pissed at him for being lazy and not helping me, when i was working in the airport and really tired. he said, 'i feel like if we weren't married, you'd be breaking up with me. do you want to break up with me?'

and i don't remember how the conversation went, but i told him that, yeah, if we weren't married, i'd dump him and start over. i was that upset. that early on. and i can't say that it became a running joke, but there were more times over the years when things were rough and he'd ask if i wanted to break up with him.

it's funny the things you think about. when it's finally over.

but i shook lawyer's hand and thanked him repeatedly. told him to send the final bills so i could be squared away with him.

i need to redo all that work that kit and i did at the bar the day i had my last meltdown. when i got so overwhelmed that i shut down.

because now all the variables are solved, so now i can make an accurate timeline.

now i need to start packing.

and i just don't want to.

it's funny. when i left him, i was so angry that i sped through packing. it was like i had been waiting to pack. and i think i started packing stuff before i even told him i was leaving. in secret, while he was sleeping or working upstairs. the stuff that i didn't need.

in fact, i remember reorganizing our bookshelf. because i knew he wouldn't notice. i made two shelves mine and two his. because it was time consuming. and i knew i could get away with it. and that it would help later, when i packed openly. and i remember telling my shrink about it. like admitting that i had done it. it was a gateway.

when i think back on the last year, so many things happen. i feel on the verge of tears right now, remembering. the little death of my marriage. it's the one year anniversary of the death in two days. i feel like i should be putting calla lilies on its grave or something. but where is it even buried? i felt, when i passed the place we were married in florida last summer and this winter, that it was there. that the rotting corpse and the awful reminders were somehow there.

but i think that once i'm in the house, it will feel like it's in the house. like a scary little monster that lives in the tiny wedge under the first floor staircase.

so i drove home and started calling people and telling them it was over.

i started with nina. she texted me literally as i got into my car, asking me if it was over. and i got out of germantown, and onto the highway and called her to tell her.

then my parents. and dad picked up and i sang, 'all the single ladies, all the single ladies'. and he cracked up, but didn't know the song and thought i was saying 'i'm a single lady'.

so i told him it was over and thanked him profusely for making it happen. between the idea and the money. it was all him.

and he said he was so glad that it was over, for me. and i got off the phone and called kit to tell her, left her a voicemail with the same song.

so then i was home. i had raced because landlord was showing the apartment at 530 without telling me. he texted me at 430 while i was at lawyer's, and i knew traffic would suck and that i needed to get there quickly. i imagined something embarrassing, like dirty underwear in the bathroom floor, and raced back. i made it, too. i had a couple minutes. it wouldn't have been the end of the world if i hadn't made it, but luckily i made it.

and then i ate some food. i hadn't eaten all day. i'd had two coffees and popped an ativan on the way to lawyer's because i was feeling racy and sick nervous.

so i had my leftovers and watched a nip/tuck. and kit and realtor had been asking me to go to the movies with their women's group. and i really didn't want to see 'black swan', so i almost didn't go.

but the thought of being alone in my apartment on such a happy day was too sad for even me. so i went.

and the outing was fun. but i really didn't care about the movie.

i think that, after knowing someone who danced and had anorexia because of it, paired with really not caring for classical music at all, or ballet, it was just not for me.

i like natalie portman. seeing her that skinny was rough. and it's a hard movie to watch anyway, it's supposed to be. and thankfully there are tons of sex scenes in nip/tuck, so i've acclimated to seeing them recently. because otherwise, i don't think i could have sunk into my chair enough to feel comfortable with the variety of scenes in that movie.

someone we went with described it as being a visceral experience. and i think that was spot on. it affected me. it's not like the movie was stupid or poorly done. just not for me.

everyone else loved it. and i cracked up when it ended, and realtor asked if there was a therapist in the house.

i was already in a strange mood. i think i expected some kind of a party because it was finally over. instead i ended up tagging along on a movie night.

beer after the movie was fun though. really loud. but fun. went to a place that used to be a dive bar with a teeny stage for punk shows, mostly. i had gone once. it was dark and dirty. they redid it a couple months ago. and serve really good food now, and have a lot of craft beers that weren't too pricey. so that part of the night was fun.

and then five of us piled into one cab and made a double stop. which was fun. we were laughing and talking about the gym the whole way home. and kit had to work today, so she went home. and i had said that if sam had been working at favorite bar, i'd go there after, but would just go home instead. and i started walking with kit, and saw sam with owner. owner asked us how we ended up, because earlier in the week we were having a crazy day. so i said that my divorce was final and they both gave me hugs.

so we went and talked to them for a while, and kit went home and i went inside.

but ended up wishing i'd just have gone home. sam was telling me to come in for a beer, but once i sat next to her and owner, they were just talking and looking at pics together the whole time, and not including me in the conversation.

so i drank fast, and came home, and went to bed with snacks. i wasn't hungry, but felt like i should probably eat something to go with the beers i'd had. other than bar fries and popcorn at the movies.

so now it's my first day of being officially single. and i had planned to set up my profile today. but part of me thinks that i should wait until the day after valentines day. not only to clear the one year alone mark officially. but also because how sad is it to join a dating site two days before?

all week, the theme of the week was, 'tea? you think too much.'

i heard it from so many people, about so many different things.

and it's true.

so i tried to tastefully acknowledge my divorce on fb. i merely changed my relationship status to single.

and part of my overthinking is thinking that some mutual friends will unfriend me. for thinking i'm insensitive.

part is wondering if certain people noticed. like such as intern.

to change the subject, briefly, a week ago, chalk started a scrabble game with me. first interaction with him since i ignored his text while i was home, saying we could hang out in a different capacity. he called it 'i miss miss tea'.

and today, i had a word to play in it. and last night, he wrote 'how's the sex life? need me to fly up and take care of business?'

and i didn't know what to say, really. i needed to think about it. and i should be able to be direct with him and say, 'no thank you.'

but i just couldn't.

and then i accidentally hit the return key mid sentence, so there was no editing, no going back.

and what i said was that the divorce was final and that i'm going to start dating, because i never actually did that before.

i didn't respond to him exactly. but i didn't have a chance to undo it and think some more.

oh, well.

if he doesn't get the hint, i'll have to be more direct.

i am no longer interested in you, good sir. thanks for the seriously amazing one and a half visits. i really wish i could forget the second half of that one trip, because it ruined our little arrangement. and i wish that i'd been able to enjoy myself in florida, but i just didn't. you snapped my last nerve. and i think i can only survive being in a room with you if there's duct tape over your mouth. otherwise, you make me insane. and unfortunately, you can't compensate enough in bed to detract from that. sorry. you're crossed off the list.



needed to get that out of my system. i only had one fuck buddy and now he is eliminated. i have to start over and attempt to build a roster from scratch. how am i ever going to do that?

i don't know. but the dating site is a good place to start.

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