sunrise. february 9th.


so, last night, i was on the phone with my parents. going over the whole story from court, because i hadn't told my dad yet.

and i wasn't as wound up as i was on monday, leaving court. or after the shrink and talking to everyone about it. or as freaked out as i was when i didn't know where i was going to live that night.

but i was still upset.

and if i had just opened my email when i got home from work, after the sneaky hate spiral post. if i had looked while i was on the phone with them, i would have gotten his email, and known that much sooner. and been that much less upset for that much less time.

so as it was, i got off the phone with my parents, telling them i'd call if i saw anything.

i had spent the afternoon cleaning my apartment for the showings, because i won't be home in time from work today to clean before they come through.

so i was trying to put everything away and get it all together, then vacuum, then swiffer, before i let myself get online. and, i had drink plans with realtor, so i needed to finish before i let myself go out. and if one thing can derail my motivation and my ability to accomplish things i set out to do, it's the internet.

i had finished almost everything, and got online to see if realtor had emailed me. and saw a cryptic email from lawyer that said something about an email response to ever.

and i couldn't tell from what he had written if it was a good email or a bad email. so i went into my other email account and read the first two lines of ever's email.

and squealed. and jumped up and down. and laughed and squealed some more.

and called my parents back maybe 15 minutes after i'd hung up with them. and they were almost as happy as i was, outwardly.

i felt light. i felt happy. i felt EXCITED.

and i talked to them through the tiny phase of acceptance. when i was actually grateful to be moving back into the house. when i realized that, although it's not signed yet, it's so close to being over. freedom is so close to my grasp that i can smell it, hear it, feel it, taste it, see it.

it smells like drywall mud and cleaning products. it sounds like other people shuffling around in my living space. it feels like a much cooler temperature my boiling hot apartment. it tastes like things that are cooked in my custom kitchen, like things that are baked in an oven that doesn't burn everything that goes in. i mean, everything tastes better today. it looks like i'll have a dating profile in a matter of days, not weeks or months. and more literally, it looks like the prettiest sunrise i have seen in a long time. i thought it was just a heightened appreciation, but i wasn't the only person to notice it, so it was definitely spectacular.

it's going to be okay.

toughing it out at the house is so much easier and better than finding some third place to live and having to decide blindly what type of a lease to sign.

owning the house alone gives me so much control over my own future that, when i think about it, i get a little dizzy.

i'll love having space for people; house guests, game nights, art nights. i'll love cooking dinner and having too much counter space surrounding me. i'll learn to love having roommates and living somewhere for free and getting out of debt. FINALLY.

i'll love being able to have a puppy again, if i decide to. rescue some sweet awesome dog if i decide that i can be a good mommy to it.

as good as things feel today, i don't know that i will ever get over the guilt that i feel about uprooting him. and i know how stupid that sounds, because he did bring this on himself.

but moving everything he owns is going to suck. it's why i left him in there. and it's going to be sad having all this empty space because i don't own anything. seeing space where there used to be none. having a ton of space to myself that he wouldn't let me claim when i lived there.

i still can't believe that he let himself get here. he was SET. he was living there for free and having all that space. and now he is going to have to pay more to live in a smaller space. he's going to have to get a JOB. and pay rent. be a tenant.

he's about to go through what i've been going through. only the exaggerated version of that.

and i do feel guilt about other things, too. again, it's not my fault, he had complete control to change his situation. but i feel bad that he is alone. i feel bad that his health sucks. that this chunk of money, that is probably bigger than any chunk of money he's been given in his entire life, is just going to erase part of his irresponsibility from the past year. not even all of it. and that it won't even be a nest egg, or a starting point. because he has already spent it.

i don't know. maybe he can take the disability route. i can't imagine him working for a living. for someone else. i mean, who knows, he might have had work lately through the business, but i highly doubt it.

alright. back to being happy and carefree...

so last night, after i started spreading the word, i went out with realtor. and things were coming in. everyone was as relieved and happy as i was. lauren said it made her night. everyone wants to celebrate.

it's exciting to have something to celebrate. there's this liz phair line from whitechocolatespaceegg. she says 'it feels like relieving a headache'.

that is how i feel.

so i went to a different bar, in order to not wear favorite bar out.

and i ate before i went, to save some money. and i bought realtor a couple beers.

i am so grateful to make yet another friend. who is in nearly the very same boat that lauren and i ended up in.

it's crazy how similar we all are to each other, what we have been through, how we feel now, how we felt then, all of it.

and i'm glad for the house, too, because knowing that i'm going to be here for a while longer has let me open up to making more friends before i leave.

of course, realtor thinks i'm dumb for leaving. because she is a realtor, she knows of this vacant bar in our neighborhood. and wants a few of us to go in on it together, and have our coffee shop/bar.

it's funny, because she gave me a different perspective. this whole time, i was convinced that i couldn't do what i want to do here, because it's so saturated.

and she made me think of it differently. last night was the perfect example. my three bars are worn out and a little too far from her. and the bar we went to sucks. neither of us liked it. i picked it because i thought it was in the middle, but i had my streets mixed up, and basically made her walk almost over to me.

and there's a great bar that i forgot about, where i went with chalk when he was yelling out the window his bullshit story to the people on the sidewalk below us. and it's closer to her, but still further than she feels like going sometimes.

and she said, 'see? if we had that vacant bar, it would have been perfect for drinks tonight.'

and i shrugged it off. because, let's face it, i am moving home for at least a while. but who knows what will happen after i've worn out the vacation feel, and start to feel too enclosed in florida. thinking about ever living in florida, too, even if it was only for a few days that he was leaning that way, made me want to stay here.

and thinking that i could actually do something here? i had given up on that a long time ago. when i realized how many bars there are already. when two of my coworkers opened a cafe and how much competition they have already.

i'd rather be a pioneer. i'd rather have a big hold on the market, instead of a tiny slice of the pie. i'd rather give people something they don't have access to. and hope that there isn't a good reason for the total lack of it.

but just sitting across from another woman, who said things that kept garnering 'me too!' responses is such a good feeling. lauren and i did it a few times recently. like, 'man...i thought i was crazy this whole time!' only to find out that we aren't both crazy. knowing that there are this many women in my sample means that, across the population, we can't be alone. we can't be the only ones. and it's like having a support group.

it was refreshing. and it was fun, even when we were talking about things that weren't. and we agreed to start hanging out on mondays. whether we have art night or beer night, or dinner night, or netflix night.

just because we each spend so much time alone, dicking around. and there's no reason to be sad and alone separately.

so my shrink was right. ever's motivation was three pronged. first of all, he paid january. but couldn't charge february to his credit card, which was his plan. he would be maxing it out. and then not have any wiggle room. and the dudes are leaving town, and that's how he plans to move out. so it put a rush on the move. and they'll need access to his money if something goes wrong. so he would rather have a nice chunk of cash to keep his business afloat.

if you ask me, it was a little shortsighted. i'd at least have countered again. 10k and it's done. but he didn't. he just gave up.

and i get it. when you refuse to work and have no savings, you can't get ahead. he's just like his mother.

but for me? i'll be perfectly fine. i'll have security deposit, and rent saved up from not paying last month's. i'll have rent coming in for march, hopefully. and that's going to be the head start i need.

this feels so much better.

now i just have to make sure he shows up to sign.

so close.

the money is sitting in my account to pay him. it blows my mind. my parents kick ass!

i'm having a party when this is done. i was serious about help with my dating profile. i know there are some of you who are completely objective, because you do not know who i am. i want the dust knocked off of it. i don't want to waste any time.

i'm ready to chase boys!! this is going to be the best valentine's day that i have had in eleven years. i don't care that i have no boy to share it with.

because it's about potential.

and the potential for potential.

i'll drink to that.

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