you know, i am trying.
actively trying not to cry, and failing miserably.
today? i cried on my way to delaware, at the office, and leaving the office. and then kenna texted me and then called, because she was worried about me. and i answered the phone bawling.
i couldn't even talk i was driving and crying so hard. it was not safe. i got to the airport and didn't even remember any of the drive. but i was going slow, in the crawl of i-left-the-office-too-late traffic.
i had one tiny good thing, which i was very nervous about, to look forward to this week. and it got dashed by a sick day. and it was more than i could bear.
asshole tenant woke me up at 7 this morning, 45 whole minutes before my alarm, by telling me that he didn't care whose cock he has to suck, he'll get me my money today.
WHO THE FUCK SAYS THAT?
i think i'm at day twelve of 'i'll pay rent tomorrow'. so far he has offered to pay two months at once, gone to cash in his trust, waited for the bank to handle his trust cash (because you can't just 'pick up 35k'), and borrowed from friends. and somehow? no money for me.
i loathe being lied to.
* * *
about as much as i hate feeling like a sucker. and i have felt stupid for the last two weeks.
i have felt strung along in a lot of ways. and i can't put myself through it.
or let other people put me through it.
why can't people just say what they intend? why can't someone's words have meaning? why can't i bank on what i'm being told?
i am repeatedly disappointed. and i have so much that is wrong with my life right now that nothing feels good at all. even what should be good is a source of stress and anxiety and worry and sadness.
i want to get into bed. and not come out for a week. see if things are any better when i emerge. i have spent more time in bed this past week than i am okay with. i have spent so much time actually crying, not just feeling like crying, that i am having to rethink the hormone ring. is that what is putting me over the edge on a daily basis? when real life problems put me on the cliff, is the ring what makes me feel like jumping off of it?
and fucking WHY go through it at all? i have not yet seen the benefit of the fucking thing, and it's been two weeks of having headaches and feeling like a wreck. for what?
maybe this weekend will change things for me. maybe i'll get what i need. maybe i'll hear some magical words, and maybe there will finally be an envelope of money under my door.
maybe the utilities will consider me separate from ever, and not come after me for the money. maybe i can get my personal finances back on track.
maybe i'll fucking cheat, and get the home equity line of credit. maybe i'll feel like i can breathe again.
because right now? right now i keep realizing in hindsight that i've been holding my breath. in so many aspects of my life. only to realize that it's a stupid thing to do.
no more holding of my breath. i'm having a hard enough time functioning without depriving my brain of oxygen.
what's funny is, this is SUMMER. this isn't winter. winter is when you're supposed to feel like this. when i did feel like this last. and how stupid is it to feel like this when it's not seasonally appropriate?
i'm going to get out of bed. and shower. and help lauren move into storage. and then not hold my breath, and see what happens to the rest of my day.
and even though i don't want to get my hopes up, we'll see if something so wonderful happens that i feel foolish for doubting any of it over the last two weeks.
i have to re-train myself yet again, if that's not the case. because i will not put myself through this. i have come too far. and worked too goddamn hard to lose the ground i've gained over the last year plus.
i'm already trying to re-train myself. i have been for a few days now. but yesterday was a litmus test that proved i've gotten nowhere to this point, in that aspect.
i really hope the pile of failures doesn't grow by one. i have had my fill of disappointment this week. and i refuse to continue on this way.
if i can just figure out how to get out of this hole, i'll be happier on the other side of it. i want the happy tea of one month ago. carefree, confident, lovesick tea. on top of the world tea. cloud ten tea. that problems seemed to roll right off of. tea who struggled with 'how do i deserve this amazingness in my life?'
because mopey tearsoaked tea is more than even i can handle. i've been searching for optimism actively. and trying to tease myself with tiny rewards. only to have them disappear repeatedly.
i will be okay. everything will be okay. i will give myself another week of feeling shitty, and trying to think positive. and shrink will help me on tuesday. i know she will. four days until i get another dose of help.
just... keep... going...
dead beat. june 15th.
this week is proving to be a little more than i can handle, i think.
my body has been shutting down, which never happens. i went to bed at 1045 on monday night, and before 10 last night. i know it's a depressed state of being thing. i really feel like i could get into my bed and not get out for a few days. and honestly not even care.
i kindof just want to hide. and not come out until it's next week.
i've been having nightmares every night for i think a week now.
last night was the first time i didn't wake up stressed, and all i could remember when i woke up was that ever was in my dream. not as my husband, but he was just there as an ex. i don't remember anything else about it. but i didn't wake up wanting to cry or angry, so it couldn't have been a nightmare.
it's a small step up from nightmares of people dying, along with the horrible-work and general being-chased/bad-things-happening varieties.
waking life has felt a lot like a nightmare, and i say that despite becoming aware of being overly dramatic. but it's been fucked up, honestly.
i am beyond broke. which is making me beat myself up. all because i believed that shaun was being honest, and because this could have been completely avoided.
i spent such a retarded amount of money last week, during beer week. i don't know how i went through it so quickly, but i did. it was only after i looked back through my checkbook that i could see so clearly just how much i fucked myself over by spending money because i thought another $525 was on the way.
add to that a missing electric bill. i called to request a copy, and the bill is (of course) past due and over three hundred dollars.
since i haven't gotten a gas bill, either, i called them as well, to find out that ever left a massive balance on that account as well. so now i have to go down to that office, in person, and provide proof that i didn't live in the house when all of the bills were racked up.
what a fucking goddamn asshole piece of shit. fucking $7000 dollars i gave him, and he paid none of the bills? i'm still paying his $400 water bill, because they essentially told me that i am legally responsible for it. despite the fact that i didn't live there or collect money for it.
i wish i could take him to court. the whole reason i got the court order was to keep this from happening. and now? what a waste that was. because, despite having it, he didn't follow it, and now i'm having a hard time understanding how, when he is really gone, he will never really be gone.
i hope there is no legal action coming my way. i really don't know what to do. but i do know that i don't have money to fix his shit.
all i can do is stop spending money. in the case that my asshole roommate doesn't pay me at all, and i have to kick him out, it means that i'm going to have to find another one. and that's about as much fun as looking for another job.
which i also did this morning.
not because i expect to need to. or because i want to.
i basically needed to just look at options. so i can sit back and think about what i've got, what i'd be giving up, or to think about where i can go from here, if i need to.
i can't say how sad it makes me, at 33, to be looking for a different job. because at this point? it's pretty fucked up. i should have my own place by now. bar/cafe whatever. i didn't want to work for anyone else after kenna. i wanted to ride this job into the sunset, and leave for my own thing. but ever derailing that plan so long ago changed what i thought would happen in my life, and i gave that up. i guess that the bottom line right now is that i realize that this job might not be around forever, and because i have no fucking sense when it comes to my finances, i will continue to have nothing to show for the past several years.
and i don't even want to write it out, because i honestly feel like the most fickle idiot, but when i'm having a week like this one, and all i want is an easy out, i start to think about selling the house again.
i guess this week is forcing me to think back to different ideas i've had in the last few years. and i pretty consistently want what i can't have.
the pile of unfinished house projects makes that a distinct non-possibility. combined with a shitty market. i'd literally break even, if i was lucky, to be out of the house. i just can't make that decision.
i kinda feel like screaming. and i also kinda feel like crying. money stress is the absolute worst. and ever did such a number on my credit without my help, that in light of not getting a bill at the house, i'm now fucking up my own credit. i suppose there have just been too many distractions to keep my mind off the more stressful house related things.
but seriously? having to go to the gas company to prove when i did and did not live in the house? it's scary shit. i cannot be held accountable for ever's fucking stunts. i paid the account current before i left him, and paid at least one bill since i moved back in. i don't know what changed. but it makes me so mad that he collected money from the tenants and ultimately from me, and didn't pay any of it. it's just insanity.
if i do see him on the street, my friends might not see me for a while. because i might punch him in the throat and go away for a little striped vacation after that.
it's all such bullshit. i know that karma should take care of it for me, but i just can't help but wishing bad shit on him. again. how can one 37 year old man be so entirely irresponsible? and still be affecting my life after not being anywhere near him for well over a year?
and the fact that quinn didn't email kenna? i don't even know what to make of that. i should feel relieved, maybe? but the thing is, it's like impending doom. i'd rather know what she could possibly have to say to her, and not worry about it any more. instead, i just spend all day wondering if it got sent, and what i'm going to have to defend myself against.
and maybe that was the whole point. to make me worry and stress, but not actually do anything.
ugh.
and can greg just get back into town already? though i feel like him being away has kept me a little more focused on work, my focus is on the most stressful shit, so having a distraction for at least a little part of my day would be so awesome. and i just don't have one.
all i want is to feel awesome and happy and great for a little bit of time. i can go back to this broken state of being if i just get a little bit of awesome in between the pile of shit.
it's hard to think positive, in light of everything that feels like it's going all wrong all at once. and in a completely different way this week, i feel ill equipped to cope.
how ironic that, feeling like i couldn't deal with my own emotions for the past few weeks, things were so much SIMPLER then. when all i was having a hard time with was feeling too much for a boy?? fucking PLEASE.
this week, i am concerned for my job security, my house, paying my bills, collecting rent, finding a new roommate, how ever is fucking me over still, and not being able to go anywhere or do anything because i am completely broke. oh, and then add that emotional fake problem into this.
because i'm trying to be patient, but i'm having a very very hard time with that as well.
i feel like there is nothing good in my life right now. and i shouldn't say that. because it makes me feel like a spoiled rotten brat.
maybe part of it is knowing that my dad won't help me at all with the house. it came out in a conversation with aubree maybe on monday night. she had been going on about dad coming up and building the deck the whole time she's been here. but the other night, she said, 'i don't think mom and dad are coming up here this summer.'
and i said, 'why not?'
and she said that dad doesn't feel like working on the house, since i'm not selling it. he now sees it as a waste of money, because he can't recoup it.
and why the fuck should he?? i owe him $37k! why make it even more staggering a figure?
groan.
it can't be a good idea to take out a home equity line of credit. it just can't be. that would be too easy a solution. but isn't it tempting? just pay everything off all at once, and breathe a little easier? not worry about shithead fuckup roommates? take the vacation i feel entitled to? buy the telescope i want?
it's why i buy lottery tickets.
because reality checks, every so often, prove to be completely overwhelming to me, and crippling, i need an easy way out.
laying in bed for hours, watching internet tv, and drinking beer is not the easy way out. it feels like cheating. and that never feels good.
i just can't get over how i feel like i have so many problems. and how, when real problems crop up, i get annoyed at myself for thinking the previous problems were serious.
can't quinn quit already? i'd have more than enough work to do if i was doing her job. i wouldn't have to worry about where i'm going to find hours to work. i wouldn't be looking for a job on craigslist. at least not this week. i wouldn't be thinking about all of my personal failures that have led me to being in this precise predicament.
can't shaun just pay what he owes? i'd not be thinking about selling the house just to get out of it, or about how much money i owe my dad, or how i'm going to pay all these bills, including some that ever left behind. or about ever at all.
can't i just win the lottery? steal greg away, and never come up for air? nothing would matter, for at least a little while. all my financial crises would be solved, i'd get the vacation, along with anything else i could ever want, and just feel completely overcome by raw emotion and affection, and not in a bad way. in the way that you feel when you've been prevented from having something, and finally get your hands on it. you know - like heroin. overdosing, after relapsing.
for this week, i'd settle for just turning off my worrying brain. i'd settle for rent. i'd settle for an email, or better yet, five minutes of making out. i'm not even trying to be greedy. i just need a little something good.
to keep me moving forward.
because weeks like this are the entire reason that i wanted to move home, originally.
just fucking run away, and let mom hug me, and hide from real life. float in the pool, catch a tan, have drinks with little umbrellas in them. no bills. no rent. no job.
just fucking CHECK OUT, mentally.
i'd take the inevitable boredom.
like i said earlier: i always want what i can't have.
mentally checking out? yeah, right. more time with that boy than i know what to do with? never gonna happen. not feeling burnt out at work and scared? nope.
just two more days until the next weekend, but tomorrow is one of those days, and i don't know how to kill an entire day, so there's that problem.
if only there was a promise of something awesome on the books for this weekend... i've got a lot of nothing to look forward to. if only i felt like that was limited to the upcoming weekend, things would feel a lot better right now.
maybe i need to reconsider taking a pill to feel better than this...
my body has been shutting down, which never happens. i went to bed at 1045 on monday night, and before 10 last night. i know it's a depressed state of being thing. i really feel like i could get into my bed and not get out for a few days. and honestly not even care.
i kindof just want to hide. and not come out until it's next week.
i've been having nightmares every night for i think a week now.
last night was the first time i didn't wake up stressed, and all i could remember when i woke up was that ever was in my dream. not as my husband, but he was just there as an ex. i don't remember anything else about it. but i didn't wake up wanting to cry or angry, so it couldn't have been a nightmare.
it's a small step up from nightmares of people dying, along with the horrible-work and general being-chased/bad-things-happening varieties.
waking life has felt a lot like a nightmare, and i say that despite becoming aware of being overly dramatic. but it's been fucked up, honestly.
i am beyond broke. which is making me beat myself up. all because i believed that shaun was being honest, and because this could have been completely avoided.
i spent such a retarded amount of money last week, during beer week. i don't know how i went through it so quickly, but i did. it was only after i looked back through my checkbook that i could see so clearly just how much i fucked myself over by spending money because i thought another $525 was on the way.
add to that a missing electric bill. i called to request a copy, and the bill is (of course) past due and over three hundred dollars.
since i haven't gotten a gas bill, either, i called them as well, to find out that ever left a massive balance on that account as well. so now i have to go down to that office, in person, and provide proof that i didn't live in the house when all of the bills were racked up.
what a fucking goddamn asshole piece of shit. fucking $7000 dollars i gave him, and he paid none of the bills? i'm still paying his $400 water bill, because they essentially told me that i am legally responsible for it. despite the fact that i didn't live there or collect money for it.
i wish i could take him to court. the whole reason i got the court order was to keep this from happening. and now? what a waste that was. because, despite having it, he didn't follow it, and now i'm having a hard time understanding how, when he is really gone, he will never really be gone.
i hope there is no legal action coming my way. i really don't know what to do. but i do know that i don't have money to fix his shit.
all i can do is stop spending money. in the case that my asshole roommate doesn't pay me at all, and i have to kick him out, it means that i'm going to have to find another one. and that's about as much fun as looking for another job.
which i also did this morning.
not because i expect to need to. or because i want to.
i basically needed to just look at options. so i can sit back and think about what i've got, what i'd be giving up, or to think about where i can go from here, if i need to.
i can't say how sad it makes me, at 33, to be looking for a different job. because at this point? it's pretty fucked up. i should have my own place by now. bar/cafe whatever. i didn't want to work for anyone else after kenna. i wanted to ride this job into the sunset, and leave for my own thing. but ever derailing that plan so long ago changed what i thought would happen in my life, and i gave that up. i guess that the bottom line right now is that i realize that this job might not be around forever, and because i have no fucking sense when it comes to my finances, i will continue to have nothing to show for the past several years.
and i don't even want to write it out, because i honestly feel like the most fickle idiot, but when i'm having a week like this one, and all i want is an easy out, i start to think about selling the house again.
i guess this week is forcing me to think back to different ideas i've had in the last few years. and i pretty consistently want what i can't have.
the pile of unfinished house projects makes that a distinct non-possibility. combined with a shitty market. i'd literally break even, if i was lucky, to be out of the house. i just can't make that decision.
i kinda feel like screaming. and i also kinda feel like crying. money stress is the absolute worst. and ever did such a number on my credit without my help, that in light of not getting a bill at the house, i'm now fucking up my own credit. i suppose there have just been too many distractions to keep my mind off the more stressful house related things.
but seriously? having to go to the gas company to prove when i did and did not live in the house? it's scary shit. i cannot be held accountable for ever's fucking stunts. i paid the account current before i left him, and paid at least one bill since i moved back in. i don't know what changed. but it makes me so mad that he collected money from the tenants and ultimately from me, and didn't pay any of it. it's just insanity.
if i do see him on the street, my friends might not see me for a while. because i might punch him in the throat and go away for a little striped vacation after that.
it's all such bullshit. i know that karma should take care of it for me, but i just can't help but wishing bad shit on him. again. how can one 37 year old man be so entirely irresponsible? and still be affecting my life after not being anywhere near him for well over a year?
and the fact that quinn didn't email kenna? i don't even know what to make of that. i should feel relieved, maybe? but the thing is, it's like impending doom. i'd rather know what she could possibly have to say to her, and not worry about it any more. instead, i just spend all day wondering if it got sent, and what i'm going to have to defend myself against.
and maybe that was the whole point. to make me worry and stress, but not actually do anything.
ugh.
and can greg just get back into town already? though i feel like him being away has kept me a little more focused on work, my focus is on the most stressful shit, so having a distraction for at least a little part of my day would be so awesome. and i just don't have one.
all i want is to feel awesome and happy and great for a little bit of time. i can go back to this broken state of being if i just get a little bit of awesome in between the pile of shit.
it's hard to think positive, in light of everything that feels like it's going all wrong all at once. and in a completely different way this week, i feel ill equipped to cope.
how ironic that, feeling like i couldn't deal with my own emotions for the past few weeks, things were so much SIMPLER then. when all i was having a hard time with was feeling too much for a boy?? fucking PLEASE.
this week, i am concerned for my job security, my house, paying my bills, collecting rent, finding a new roommate, how ever is fucking me over still, and not being able to go anywhere or do anything because i am completely broke. oh, and then add that emotional fake problem into this.
because i'm trying to be patient, but i'm having a very very hard time with that as well.
i feel like there is nothing good in my life right now. and i shouldn't say that. because it makes me feel like a spoiled rotten brat.
maybe part of it is knowing that my dad won't help me at all with the house. it came out in a conversation with aubree maybe on monday night. she had been going on about dad coming up and building the deck the whole time she's been here. but the other night, she said, 'i don't think mom and dad are coming up here this summer.'
and i said, 'why not?'
and she said that dad doesn't feel like working on the house, since i'm not selling it. he now sees it as a waste of money, because he can't recoup it.
and why the fuck should he?? i owe him $37k! why make it even more staggering a figure?
groan.
it can't be a good idea to take out a home equity line of credit. it just can't be. that would be too easy a solution. but isn't it tempting? just pay everything off all at once, and breathe a little easier? not worry about shithead fuckup roommates? take the vacation i feel entitled to? buy the telescope i want?
it's why i buy lottery tickets.
because reality checks, every so often, prove to be completely overwhelming to me, and crippling, i need an easy way out.
laying in bed for hours, watching internet tv, and drinking beer is not the easy way out. it feels like cheating. and that never feels good.
i just can't get over how i feel like i have so many problems. and how, when real problems crop up, i get annoyed at myself for thinking the previous problems were serious.
can't quinn quit already? i'd have more than enough work to do if i was doing her job. i wouldn't have to worry about where i'm going to find hours to work. i wouldn't be looking for a job on craigslist. at least not this week. i wouldn't be thinking about all of my personal failures that have led me to being in this precise predicament.
can't shaun just pay what he owes? i'd not be thinking about selling the house just to get out of it, or about how much money i owe my dad, or how i'm going to pay all these bills, including some that ever left behind. or about ever at all.
can't i just win the lottery? steal greg away, and never come up for air? nothing would matter, for at least a little while. all my financial crises would be solved, i'd get the vacation, along with anything else i could ever want, and just feel completely overcome by raw emotion and affection, and not in a bad way. in the way that you feel when you've been prevented from having something, and finally get your hands on it. you know - like heroin. overdosing, after relapsing.
for this week, i'd settle for just turning off my worrying brain. i'd settle for rent. i'd settle for an email, or better yet, five minutes of making out. i'm not even trying to be greedy. i just need a little something good.
to keep me moving forward.
because weeks like this are the entire reason that i wanted to move home, originally.
just fucking run away, and let mom hug me, and hide from real life. float in the pool, catch a tan, have drinks with little umbrellas in them. no bills. no rent. no job.
just fucking CHECK OUT, mentally.
i'd take the inevitable boredom.
like i said earlier: i always want what i can't have.
mentally checking out? yeah, right. more time with that boy than i know what to do with? never gonna happen. not feeling burnt out at work and scared? nope.
just two more days until the next weekend, but tomorrow is one of those days, and i don't know how to kill an entire day, so there's that problem.
if only there was a promise of something awesome on the books for this weekend... i've got a lot of nothing to look forward to. if only i felt like that was limited to the upcoming weekend, things would feel a lot better right now.
maybe i need to reconsider taking a pill to feel better than this...
defeated. june 13th.
man. i am having a pretty difficult time, feeling kinda sick to my stomach, and wanting to stick my head in the sand and come out after a leave of absence.
i guess it makes sense that quinn had a lot to say back. and i also guess that it follows suit that she'd ask for kenna's email.
i already told kenna that she thinks she can do my job better than me, that she thinks i don't do anything, and that i knew she'd have a lot to say to her when they eventually meet up.
so i gave her the email address. and promptly texted kenna to give her the heads up. whatever. it will be interesting to hear what she has to say about it.
she did say that she has my back, regardless.
i didn't say anything that i think was out of line. and kenna knows i want to get rid of her, so hopefully she can take an approach to responding to her that makes me feel better about it.
i wish i knew what it is that bothers me so much. i did what she considered attacking her. and she did what i consider to be attacking me.
at least i told kenna about this stuff along the way, so it won't be a surprise.
whatever.
i shouldn't care. and maybe if kenna plays her cards right, it will make quinn leave.
i can't worry about it.
the only thing she can say that looks bad is that i don't go over there as much as i should, and that's because i hate them so much. not the best thing to be called out on. but whatever.
maybe part of why this day sucked so hard is that i had no distractions. i just had my job to do, all day long.
maybe the other reason is that i don't even feel like fighting her. i feel kinda like giving up. my insurance doubled, i found that out today.
and really? i think that for a while, mentally, i thought i'd have left this job by now.
i write about leaving the job enough. what's ironic is that, when i hired her, i intended to give her my job when i left. i realized pretty early on that i was wrong in thinking that. too young, immature, dramatic, and dishonest to have that be a good decision.
she is one of those people that, when you ask her a question, she looks around instead of looking at you, and you just know she's being dishonest. i think she lies enough that she can't keep her lies straight.
whatever. i can't even think about it anymore today. it's literally making me feel sick.
and i have nothing going on today. so i think i'm going to go to my room and watch a bunch of internet tv.
and try to not think about any of it until tomorrow, when i go to work, and clean my way through another day of dealing with quinn's bullshit. and then talk to kenna about whatever it is that she emails her.
barf.
i'm glad that the rest of my employees think i'm a good boss. maybe they think i'm good because i'm nice and helpful to everyone but her. and because i don't do my job as well as i could, being the hardass about the shit i should be a hardass about.
kenna tells me often enough that i do a good job, and that she trusts me. that should be enough, but being called into question, and having someone go over my head is a strange and different predicament.
at the end of the day, with her, i think repeatedly, 'who does she think she is?'
and kenna echoes that sentimentality, along with everyone at the office, and all of my other employees.
and i shouldn't include them in it, but it's one of those things... i feel like i'm taking crazy pills sometimes. and it helps to have a bunch of people tell me otherwise. i'll try to be better and less dramatic.
i'm sure she'll mention her raise. and i'm sure she'll mention that i haven't been over there. and that i'm completely unprofessional, in her own words. oh, and that i do things that are inappropriate.
this feels really bad.
i guess it makes sense that quinn had a lot to say back. and i also guess that it follows suit that she'd ask for kenna's email.
i already told kenna that she thinks she can do my job better than me, that she thinks i don't do anything, and that i knew she'd have a lot to say to her when they eventually meet up.
so i gave her the email address. and promptly texted kenna to give her the heads up. whatever. it will be interesting to hear what she has to say about it.
she did say that she has my back, regardless.
i didn't say anything that i think was out of line. and kenna knows i want to get rid of her, so hopefully she can take an approach to responding to her that makes me feel better about it.
i wish i knew what it is that bothers me so much. i did what she considered attacking her. and she did what i consider to be attacking me.
at least i told kenna about this stuff along the way, so it won't be a surprise.
whatever.
i shouldn't care. and maybe if kenna plays her cards right, it will make quinn leave.
i can't worry about it.
the only thing she can say that looks bad is that i don't go over there as much as i should, and that's because i hate them so much. not the best thing to be called out on. but whatever.
maybe part of why this day sucked so hard is that i had no distractions. i just had my job to do, all day long.
maybe the other reason is that i don't even feel like fighting her. i feel kinda like giving up. my insurance doubled, i found that out today.
and really? i think that for a while, mentally, i thought i'd have left this job by now.
i write about leaving the job enough. what's ironic is that, when i hired her, i intended to give her my job when i left. i realized pretty early on that i was wrong in thinking that. too young, immature, dramatic, and dishonest to have that be a good decision.
she is one of those people that, when you ask her a question, she looks around instead of looking at you, and you just know she's being dishonest. i think she lies enough that she can't keep her lies straight.
whatever. i can't even think about it anymore today. it's literally making me feel sick.
and i have nothing going on today. so i think i'm going to go to my room and watch a bunch of internet tv.
and try to not think about any of it until tomorrow, when i go to work, and clean my way through another day of dealing with quinn's bullshit. and then talk to kenna about whatever it is that she emails her.
barf.
i'm glad that the rest of my employees think i'm a good boss. maybe they think i'm good because i'm nice and helpful to everyone but her. and because i don't do my job as well as i could, being the hardass about the shit i should be a hardass about.
kenna tells me often enough that i do a good job, and that she trusts me. that should be enough, but being called into question, and having someone go over my head is a strange and different predicament.
at the end of the day, with her, i think repeatedly, 'who does she think she is?'
and kenna echoes that sentimentality, along with everyone at the office, and all of my other employees.
and i shouldn't include them in it, but it's one of those things... i feel like i'm taking crazy pills sometimes. and it helps to have a bunch of people tell me otherwise. i'll try to be better and less dramatic.
i'm sure she'll mention her raise. and i'm sure she'll mention that i haven't been over there. and that i'm completely unprofessional, in her own words. oh, and that i do things that are inappropriate.
this feels really bad.
heat wave and mood swings. june 10th.
nina showed me this amazing calendar a while back on etsy.
it's a year-long calendar in one big sheet. and everyday, you draw a face on the day, to note your mood for that day.
and i remembered it yesterday, thinking about how many different ways i felt throughout the day. and i thought, 'wow. i'd need at least three faces per day - morning, noon, and night.'
and then realized, holy shit! that's not even enough... because yesterday would have looked something like this:
:) :( :( :) :( :) :(
what the fuck?
how can i feel so much in one day? so imbalanced.
most of my days lately have been mostly happy. but yesterday was one of those days that i'd so much rather have slept through.
work pissed me off, and stressed me out, and gave me a near panic attack.
and then i got a bummer email that made me pout like a spoiled brat for the majority of the afternoon.
and then i hung out with alice and got to vent about work, and hear about other people's lives. and we had a lot of fun. it felt good to bike over, too. and then i came home and got sad again. and then hung out with aubree and cracked up, because she rules. and then got and stayed sad until i fell asleep.
and woke up muted. it's overcast, which isn't the way i wanted today to be. i thought that baking in the sun for a few hours would help with my crappy mood. but i also knew that it was supposed to rain the entire weekend, so i kindof expected it. and accidentally slept in until 1045. i thought it was 9 when nina called. but it was almost 11 instead. so i got up and made coffee before a headache could kick in.
i think the weather is partly to blame for my mood, too.
it has been so super hot this week. we had a crazy heat wave. the worst bits of it included seeing some old dude at suck store hospital, bleeding from his mouth and covered in blood in the parking garage, shaking. i assume he literally had a heat stroke. and i walked past him, leaning up against a car, and asked if he needed help. he said someone was coming with a wheelchair to get him.
it was fucked up. i have a super weak stomach, and seeing that guy in that condition was pretty hard on me, heading home for the day on wednesday, after hitting send on the quinn email.
thursday night was the thao and mirah show. i'm listening to their joint venture album while i type this out. and i do like it. i think there's a learning curve with every album thao puts out, because each one is so different from the one before. i instinctively like the newest thing less, because the one before was so amazing. but, usually over time, the most recent becomes my favorite.
the show was weird for me for a few reasons. seeing all these happy couples there, being all cute and affectionate, was hard. i think that, for the most part of the last year, i struggled with that. seeing couples and feeling the frown lines between my eyebrows increase in intensity. and for so long, seeing brides-to-be out drinking, i wanted to scream 'run!! don't do it!!' every time.
and lately, i've cooled it. i guess since i started dating, and having a couple experiences out in public, holding hands or accepting a kiss on the cheek, or a knee rub. i realized that i like that stuff, and that i was just bitter. obviously. but somehow, at the show, i reverted back to being a little sad about seeing so much of it. and definitely jealous of it.
but the other reason why the show was hard was because i'm kindof a snob when it comes to music. the shows i go to, for the most part, are bands that i really love. and bands that i know the discography of. super familiar, all the lyrics memorized. and i was (cringe) in my younger days, one of those people who sang along with every word. now i just mouth them, when i can't control myself.
but i love having a couple songs i want to hear live, and being very familiar with the rest. and i went to this show, of my absolute favorite musician, and knew that it was going to be weird for me, because i hadn't done my homework. i hadn't heard the new album more than twice, and neither listen was focused.
so when i only heard a couple songs i knew that night, and recognized most of the rest as being on the new album, but not knowing them at all, it was a little disappointing.
not to mention, their show together last summer was potentially the best show i'd ever been to. so it would have been hard to top anyway.
it was a great show. but as much as i love that they have combined forces, i realized that, live? i prefer them on their own. i want to see thao by herself, playing every song that helped me through the darkest times of my life, and the most liberating times of my life, and through the buildup before coffee closure, and the mini-heartbreak afterwards. and the return to normal once it filtered through my brain, and eventually feeling like i was completely over him.
back to the heatwave...
the craziest thing happened the night of the show, right before we left.
aubree and i were in my room, laying around goofing off on our laptops, killing time until we went to the show in the a/c. and we were sitting there, and i heard rain start to fall. i'm preety good about paying attention to the weather. maybe it was an effort to ignore the sweltering heat this week, but i was COMPLETELY unaware of the severe weather headed our way.
when i asked aubree if that was rain, she said yes. actually, there was tiny hail, too. and lightning that was so crazy. we don't really get too many storms like that here. i grew up with them daily in florida, and it still surprises me when i see weather like that here.
the wind was gusting to 60 mph. and aubree said, 'the window is going to blow in.'
the last day contractor and i worked on the house was the day we opened up the window to the roof. aubree had nailed the window back in place with one solidly attached nail, and a bunch of nails surrounding that one, kindof wedging the window in place. but it was NOT secured well. it took 30 minutes to undo it last weekend when i spent time on the roof in the sun.
but it was no match for the wind that night, and not even two minutes later, we heard it hit the floor, with a double crash of it landing on the ladder we'd leaned against it for extra support. we looked at each other in an 'oh shit!' moment and ran out of my room on the second floor. when we got about 5 feet out of my room, we were getting rained on in the middle of the hallway. it was horrifying to be in the middle of the house, in a storm somehow. i ran up the stairs, into the wind and rain that blew halfway into the house.
it was POURING. flooding in the window and freaking me out. pouring down the wall, and pooling on the floor. in a fuzzy panic, i grabbed the window, dodging the broken glass from the broken pane, holding the window in place with all of my strength. the window is super heavy because it was original to the house. heavy wood, and twelve little rectangular panes. a huge window.
and mike heard the commotion and ran up to help, while we tried to figure out how to get it back into place.
and i held it, getting soaked, water running down my arms. and there was a gust of wind that literally blew the window onto me, and i stumbled backwards. i almost fell with the window on top of me, onto the ladder, which would really have sucked. i felt lucky to keep my balance.
in my panic, i had them hold the window while i changed into my bathing suit, at lauren's suggestion, to go out onto the roof in the crazy scary storm, to try to nail up the tarp on the outside to keep the rain out of the house and framework.
and climbed back inside, feeling lucky to not have been struck by lightning with a hammer in my hand, standing two inches from the metal downspout. it was stupid to have done it, but totally necessary.
and hammered the window in place, with aubree's help.
as soon as the work was done, the storm had blown over. naturally.
and got a shower before the show and left.
it was crazy. i've been through more hurricanes and accompanying storms in florida growing up. but that was scary. feeling vulnerable to the storm and like my house was being attacked. all because i didn't know that it was coming, and did nothing to prepare for it.
i feel like my biggest lesson this week was about unpreparedness in so many different ways.
my work panic yesterday was spawned by feeling caught in a way. with everything that happened with quinn, i realized how unprepared i was for something like this, paper trail-wise. not to mention, living in constant fear of the health department. no one is certified, and we will be shut down if they show up before i get everyone enrolled in a class and certified.
and then the email that disappointed me to no end, after already feeling completely overwhelmed. the only thing i was looking forward to this weekend was dashed in one short sentence. and it was just too much.
and i pouted and felt sorry for myself. like a spoiled brat. a lot is not enough for this girl.
but i drove home and went to alice's and felt a lot better, distracted completely. and came home, had dinner with aubree and mike, while watching the phils game on tv.
and went to bed shortly after that. aubree decided to sleep in my bed with me, because my room gets plenty cool with the wall unit.
i had the sheet, and she stole the blanket, and i had nightmares all night, which NEVER happens. i only have them when i nap, and i woke up from two before i realized that i was too cold without the blanket. to not wake her, i got up and grabbed a spare from my wardrobe. and when i pulled it out, a single martini glass i'd rescued from old apartment hit the floor and shattered, waking her up.
i left it there, and got back into bed, trying to fall back asleep before my mind started racing and i wouldn't be able to.
and had a couple more nightmares. woke up to pee when the sun was coming up, went back to sleep and had two more.
i don't remember any of them now. they were all different, not one continuous one. it sucked.
and when nina called and woke me up the last time, aubree and i both thought it was nine. but it wasn't. it was 1045, and the race was on to brew my weekend coffee before the headache set in.
i succeeded at that, and tried to start my day off better than the one before ended. we went to lauren's to get some things she didn't want to move, spent a solid thirty minutes trying to fit it all in the versa, before succeeding at that and driving home.
it started pouring half way home, but stopped when we were nearly home. and unpacked and i started cleaning the house.
an all day event, it's turning out to be. it always is. i remember the days of telling ever that, if he'd just let me buy a house, i'd be happy to clean it. i never thought we'd end up in the biggest house in south phila, or that i'd end up cleaning it alone until i moved back into it.
aubree helped, and we got her room (the one with all the window and storm mess everywhere) back to square one. and worked our way down.
the living room is all that is left now. my room is the cleanest and most organized it's been, thanks to a call from greg that let me think about other more fun things while i organized and didn't pay attention to the work i was doing.
the box of candy from mom, which had become a catchall, was nearly empty of valentine's and easter candy. and i put everything else where it belongs. now there's just one huge box of junk and keepsakes to go through before my moving unpacking is finally complete. it has also become a catchall for things without a place, and when i go back in, after cleaning and rearranging the living room, i'll deal with it, finally, and feel like i've gotten somewhere.
it's a good day at funkhauser. it didn't feel that way for a while, and now i'm sufficiently covered in sweat and grime. and i'll gladly take a beerble bath when the work is finally done. i got a desk chair (the awesome swivel kind), three kickass lamps, pieces of cans of paint that are exactly what i'd already chosen for most of the rooms in my house, and a la-z-girl chair, as lauren calls it, which aubree has been sitting in and enjoying for most of the evening.
it's nice to feel better today. yesterday was the worst. if i can just get through the beginning of next week at work without incident (which isn't really possible, as quinn did nothing i told her to), there will be a sweet greg-shaped reward mid-week, once he's back from his business trip.
i can hardly wait.
not that i'm wishing the weekend away. i worked all week just to get to today and tomorrow. and doing what i do best - getting all the housework done on a saturday - means that, if the sun is shining tomorrow, i might just flop into my kiddie pool all day tomorrow. and bake some peanut butter candy bar cookies. mmm... just what i need.
beer week fucked my shit UP. i was doing so well, for so long, with my body. leave it to one period, a ton of stress, and beer week to add a solid seven pounds to where i was for months.
i'll get it back off again. i'm kinda glad today that beer week is only one week.
another reason for all the stress yesterday was driving around knowing that i had $8 in my checking account. i put gas on my nearly-maxed-out credit card, bypassed the beer store, which broke my heart a little. i spent three of my last five dollars of tip cash on lottery tickets.
until shaun pays rent (yeah, mmhmm), i am broke as a motherfuckin JOKE.
he was supposed to be home hours ago, but isn't. and my patience is wearing thin... the only good thing is that he is paying this month's rent and next month's. so i'll finally be able to put the supply money toward the slider door to have roof access the proper way.
and then all i have to do is get my dad up here. and then? we'll have a deck. it's exactly the kind of project that he is wishing to do.
so close to having something that will make the past month of not working on the house feel a little bit easier to deal with.
i am wiped out. but i managed to get through the giant box of crap and throw half of what was in it into the recycling bin. the house is officially clean. and i am officially filthy.
into the shower, into clean clothes. laundry into the washer, and i'm off to the german brauhaus with aubree and mike...
it's a year-long calendar in one big sheet. and everyday, you draw a face on the day, to note your mood for that day.
and i remembered it yesterday, thinking about how many different ways i felt throughout the day. and i thought, 'wow. i'd need at least three faces per day - morning, noon, and night.'
and then realized, holy shit! that's not even enough... because yesterday would have looked something like this:
:) :( :( :) :( :) :(
what the fuck?
how can i feel so much in one day? so imbalanced.
most of my days lately have been mostly happy. but yesterday was one of those days that i'd so much rather have slept through.
work pissed me off, and stressed me out, and gave me a near panic attack.
and then i got a bummer email that made me pout like a spoiled brat for the majority of the afternoon.
and then i hung out with alice and got to vent about work, and hear about other people's lives. and we had a lot of fun. it felt good to bike over, too. and then i came home and got sad again. and then hung out with aubree and cracked up, because she rules. and then got and stayed sad until i fell asleep.
and woke up muted. it's overcast, which isn't the way i wanted today to be. i thought that baking in the sun for a few hours would help with my crappy mood. but i also knew that it was supposed to rain the entire weekend, so i kindof expected it. and accidentally slept in until 1045. i thought it was 9 when nina called. but it was almost 11 instead. so i got up and made coffee before a headache could kick in.
i think the weather is partly to blame for my mood, too.
it has been so super hot this week. we had a crazy heat wave. the worst bits of it included seeing some old dude at suck store hospital, bleeding from his mouth and covered in blood in the parking garage, shaking. i assume he literally had a heat stroke. and i walked past him, leaning up against a car, and asked if he needed help. he said someone was coming with a wheelchair to get him.
it was fucked up. i have a super weak stomach, and seeing that guy in that condition was pretty hard on me, heading home for the day on wednesday, after hitting send on the quinn email.
thursday night was the thao and mirah show. i'm listening to their joint venture album while i type this out. and i do like it. i think there's a learning curve with every album thao puts out, because each one is so different from the one before. i instinctively like the newest thing less, because the one before was so amazing. but, usually over time, the most recent becomes my favorite.
the show was weird for me for a few reasons. seeing all these happy couples there, being all cute and affectionate, was hard. i think that, for the most part of the last year, i struggled with that. seeing couples and feeling the frown lines between my eyebrows increase in intensity. and for so long, seeing brides-to-be out drinking, i wanted to scream 'run!! don't do it!!' every time.
and lately, i've cooled it. i guess since i started dating, and having a couple experiences out in public, holding hands or accepting a kiss on the cheek, or a knee rub. i realized that i like that stuff, and that i was just bitter. obviously. but somehow, at the show, i reverted back to being a little sad about seeing so much of it. and definitely jealous of it.
but the other reason why the show was hard was because i'm kindof a snob when it comes to music. the shows i go to, for the most part, are bands that i really love. and bands that i know the discography of. super familiar, all the lyrics memorized. and i was (cringe) in my younger days, one of those people who sang along with every word. now i just mouth them, when i can't control myself.
but i love having a couple songs i want to hear live, and being very familiar with the rest. and i went to this show, of my absolute favorite musician, and knew that it was going to be weird for me, because i hadn't done my homework. i hadn't heard the new album more than twice, and neither listen was focused.
so when i only heard a couple songs i knew that night, and recognized most of the rest as being on the new album, but not knowing them at all, it was a little disappointing.
not to mention, their show together last summer was potentially the best show i'd ever been to. so it would have been hard to top anyway.
it was a great show. but as much as i love that they have combined forces, i realized that, live? i prefer them on their own. i want to see thao by herself, playing every song that helped me through the darkest times of my life, and the most liberating times of my life, and through the buildup before coffee closure, and the mini-heartbreak afterwards. and the return to normal once it filtered through my brain, and eventually feeling like i was completely over him.
back to the heatwave...
the craziest thing happened the night of the show, right before we left.
aubree and i were in my room, laying around goofing off on our laptops, killing time until we went to the show in the a/c. and we were sitting there, and i heard rain start to fall. i'm preety good about paying attention to the weather. maybe it was an effort to ignore the sweltering heat this week, but i was COMPLETELY unaware of the severe weather headed our way.
when i asked aubree if that was rain, she said yes. actually, there was tiny hail, too. and lightning that was so crazy. we don't really get too many storms like that here. i grew up with them daily in florida, and it still surprises me when i see weather like that here.
the wind was gusting to 60 mph. and aubree said, 'the window is going to blow in.'
the last day contractor and i worked on the house was the day we opened up the window to the roof. aubree had nailed the window back in place with one solidly attached nail, and a bunch of nails surrounding that one, kindof wedging the window in place. but it was NOT secured well. it took 30 minutes to undo it last weekend when i spent time on the roof in the sun.
but it was no match for the wind that night, and not even two minutes later, we heard it hit the floor, with a double crash of it landing on the ladder we'd leaned against it for extra support. we looked at each other in an 'oh shit!' moment and ran out of my room on the second floor. when we got about 5 feet out of my room, we were getting rained on in the middle of the hallway. it was horrifying to be in the middle of the house, in a storm somehow. i ran up the stairs, into the wind and rain that blew halfway into the house.
it was POURING. flooding in the window and freaking me out. pouring down the wall, and pooling on the floor. in a fuzzy panic, i grabbed the window, dodging the broken glass from the broken pane, holding the window in place with all of my strength. the window is super heavy because it was original to the house. heavy wood, and twelve little rectangular panes. a huge window.
and mike heard the commotion and ran up to help, while we tried to figure out how to get it back into place.
and i held it, getting soaked, water running down my arms. and there was a gust of wind that literally blew the window onto me, and i stumbled backwards. i almost fell with the window on top of me, onto the ladder, which would really have sucked. i felt lucky to keep my balance.
in my panic, i had them hold the window while i changed into my bathing suit, at lauren's suggestion, to go out onto the roof in the crazy scary storm, to try to nail up the tarp on the outside to keep the rain out of the house and framework.
and climbed back inside, feeling lucky to not have been struck by lightning with a hammer in my hand, standing two inches from the metal downspout. it was stupid to have done it, but totally necessary.
and hammered the window in place, with aubree's help.
as soon as the work was done, the storm had blown over. naturally.
and got a shower before the show and left.
it was crazy. i've been through more hurricanes and accompanying storms in florida growing up. but that was scary. feeling vulnerable to the storm and like my house was being attacked. all because i didn't know that it was coming, and did nothing to prepare for it.
i feel like my biggest lesson this week was about unpreparedness in so many different ways.
my work panic yesterday was spawned by feeling caught in a way. with everything that happened with quinn, i realized how unprepared i was for something like this, paper trail-wise. not to mention, living in constant fear of the health department. no one is certified, and we will be shut down if they show up before i get everyone enrolled in a class and certified.
and then the email that disappointed me to no end, after already feeling completely overwhelmed. the only thing i was looking forward to this weekend was dashed in one short sentence. and it was just too much.
and i pouted and felt sorry for myself. like a spoiled brat. a lot is not enough for this girl.
but i drove home and went to alice's and felt a lot better, distracted completely. and came home, had dinner with aubree and mike, while watching the phils game on tv.
and went to bed shortly after that. aubree decided to sleep in my bed with me, because my room gets plenty cool with the wall unit.
i had the sheet, and she stole the blanket, and i had nightmares all night, which NEVER happens. i only have them when i nap, and i woke up from two before i realized that i was too cold without the blanket. to not wake her, i got up and grabbed a spare from my wardrobe. and when i pulled it out, a single martini glass i'd rescued from old apartment hit the floor and shattered, waking her up.
i left it there, and got back into bed, trying to fall back asleep before my mind started racing and i wouldn't be able to.
and had a couple more nightmares. woke up to pee when the sun was coming up, went back to sleep and had two more.
i don't remember any of them now. they were all different, not one continuous one. it sucked.
and when nina called and woke me up the last time, aubree and i both thought it was nine. but it wasn't. it was 1045, and the race was on to brew my weekend coffee before the headache set in.
i succeeded at that, and tried to start my day off better than the one before ended. we went to lauren's to get some things she didn't want to move, spent a solid thirty minutes trying to fit it all in the versa, before succeeding at that and driving home.
it started pouring half way home, but stopped when we were nearly home. and unpacked and i started cleaning the house.
an all day event, it's turning out to be. it always is. i remember the days of telling ever that, if he'd just let me buy a house, i'd be happy to clean it. i never thought we'd end up in the biggest house in south phila, or that i'd end up cleaning it alone until i moved back into it.
aubree helped, and we got her room (the one with all the window and storm mess everywhere) back to square one. and worked our way down.
the living room is all that is left now. my room is the cleanest and most organized it's been, thanks to a call from greg that let me think about other more fun things while i organized and didn't pay attention to the work i was doing.
the box of candy from mom, which had become a catchall, was nearly empty of valentine's and easter candy. and i put everything else where it belongs. now there's just one huge box of junk and keepsakes to go through before my moving unpacking is finally complete. it has also become a catchall for things without a place, and when i go back in, after cleaning and rearranging the living room, i'll deal with it, finally, and feel like i've gotten somewhere.
it's a good day at funkhauser. it didn't feel that way for a while, and now i'm sufficiently covered in sweat and grime. and i'll gladly take a beerble bath when the work is finally done. i got a desk chair (the awesome swivel kind), three kickass lamps, pieces of cans of paint that are exactly what i'd already chosen for most of the rooms in my house, and a la-z-girl chair, as lauren calls it, which aubree has been sitting in and enjoying for most of the evening.
it's nice to feel better today. yesterday was the worst. if i can just get through the beginning of next week at work without incident (which isn't really possible, as quinn did nothing i told her to), there will be a sweet greg-shaped reward mid-week, once he's back from his business trip.
i can hardly wait.
not that i'm wishing the weekend away. i worked all week just to get to today and tomorrow. and doing what i do best - getting all the housework done on a saturday - means that, if the sun is shining tomorrow, i might just flop into my kiddie pool all day tomorrow. and bake some peanut butter candy bar cookies. mmm... just what i need.
beer week fucked my shit UP. i was doing so well, for so long, with my body. leave it to one period, a ton of stress, and beer week to add a solid seven pounds to where i was for months.
i'll get it back off again. i'm kinda glad today that beer week is only one week.
another reason for all the stress yesterday was driving around knowing that i had $8 in my checking account. i put gas on my nearly-maxed-out credit card, bypassed the beer store, which broke my heart a little. i spent three of my last five dollars of tip cash on lottery tickets.
until shaun pays rent (yeah, mmhmm), i am broke as a motherfuckin JOKE.
he was supposed to be home hours ago, but isn't. and my patience is wearing thin... the only good thing is that he is paying this month's rent and next month's. so i'll finally be able to put the supply money toward the slider door to have roof access the proper way.
and then all i have to do is get my dad up here. and then? we'll have a deck. it's exactly the kind of project that he is wishing to do.
so close to having something that will make the past month of not working on the house feel a little bit easier to deal with.
i am wiped out. but i managed to get through the giant box of crap and throw half of what was in it into the recycling bin. the house is officially clean. and i am officially filthy.
into the shower, into clean clothes. laundry into the washer, and i'm off to the german brauhaus with aubree and mike...
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