i'm exhausted, but i feel fantastic.
it's been an interesting week. mentally, i'm feeling quite different. emotionally, i still feel a lack of sadness, even when i think about things that make me sad. but mostly i'm tired from work, and having too much silly fun with aubree.
we really just gel. it's awesome.
this week was a long one, we both worked hard. and i don't know what i'm doing wrong, but my sleep has been off all week. there wasn't a night that i was asleep before 130. twice i was up until 2, once until 230, and last night until after 3.
i try to sleep. i get into bed early, even. but i am wide awake. i've taken ativan i think three times this week in an effort to sleep. one of the nights i was awake actively worrying.
having so much going on means that i have more to think about. and it's good to be thinking about things, because it's all happy positive stuff, being busy stuff, inspirational things and motivational things. but it means that i am spending a lot of time thinking about it, especially when i should be sleeping.
i'll take it.
the house is going swimmingly well. so much is getting accomplished. it feels so good. everywhere i look are solved problems and bells and whistles. some things are a huge deal. it's a nice mix. and i can't put into words how much better i feel about the house and how much more driven i am to fix it to completion.
* * *
it's now november. i feel completely different tonight than i did when i started this and lost days, weeks, even.
but it is called fantastic, so that must be how i felt at the time.
all of this was setting up something i did. and in hindsight? maybe not my brightest moment.
but at the time it felt incredibly liberating.
and very smart of me.
i had this dream when my dad was here working. he came in to wake me up, on my one day to sleep in, to make sure i was going to work.
he interrupted the most fantastic dream.
i was having a lot of sex with intern. in many different places. it was amazing.
when he woke me up, i was pissed. first, for being awake, second for the dream ending abruptly.
i got out of bed and got ready, frustrated and wound up, as i've been for a couple months now, safely.
and i texted nina to tell her that i would try not to hold it against my dad for interrupting my dreams of fucking intern.
and she encouraged me to tell him.
and call it what you will, but i was riding a wave of natural (kindof) highs, and was feeling really fucking confident.
after about twenty minutes of giggling and daydreaming and thinking about it, i did it.
i texted it to him. and then cast the net slightly wider, including greg.
and the silence from greg was overshadowed by the holy shit i got from intern maybe an hour later. to which i responded, 'reminds me that we're supposed to have beers. when is that happening?'
and another hour later, he didn't know.
so i decided. once and for all. told him i'd let him know when i was available (sounding way more confident and direct that i could ever muster in real life). the decision: when i ask him, his response makes it or breaks it.
and greg didn't respond. so i erased his number from my phone two saturdays ago. so i wouldn't make a drunk or sober mistake like that again. or even be tempted to.
and i texted intern yesterday. asked him if he'd like to watch hockey (gross, but he LOVES it) and let me buy him beers on saturday.
no response.
his number has also been deleted from my phone.
had i been in possession of joey's number, or matthew's number, they would have received the same text.
desperate times with a dust-covered snatch require desperate measures.
for once. and for all.
the silence and static of being silently rejected, not once, but twice, and letting go, again, of stupid crushes and held-on to feelings is a painful growth.
and that brings me to today. which doesn't feel like anything that could be loosely defined as fantastic.
in the bright moonlight, a satellite. oct 13th.
i started to write this post on sunday. it just didn't get further than a title, and one word:
lemonheads.
sunday afternoon, i wanted to write. i was in a daze, ears still ringing, from seeing the lemonheads with aubree on saturday night. my ears were still ringing yesterday. and for a bit today as well. i think i might have done some permanent damage.
it was such an awesome show. i've never been to a show like that before.
i found out about it a few months ago, and bought my tickets (luckily) a few weeks ago.
* * *
and that's as far as i got on tuesday.
and now it's thursday. groan.
moving on...
* * *
so i bought tickets, and it sold out like i knew it would.
i just kept thinking, 'there's no way the LEMONHEADS are going to play. much less a tiny venue.'
i couldn't imagine being at a bar where i could just lean over and say hello to EVAN DANDO. i mean, shit, i was really into them in high school, and in college. i stopped listening when i got his solo album because it was a little country for my tastes, but to this day i still put their songs on my mixes. i LOVE the lemonheads, and it had been so long since they were around, i chalked them up to another nirvana, who were so influential to me, and such a big part of my life. i thought he'd have overdosed by now, and that i'd never have the chance to see them live.
and what was even crazier to me, is that they were going to play 'it's a shame about ray' in its entirety. which is my favorite. just a solid album.
so i knew it would be an incredible show. i didn't bat a lash at dropping $50 on two tickets.
and walking in and seeing them do soundcheck? i mean, i was a door and fifteen feet from him. and having a beer at the bar while we waited for doors to open, he walked right past me and i just stared in awe.
it's a mixed bag for me, emotionally. his addiction to heroin was in the forefront of my mind. it brought up a lot of the ever stuff i've tried to completely put aside. for days before, and in the week since the show.
the opening band was god awful. new york wannabes, with a singer all of 20, who thinks he's the next mick jagger. and hearing the merch guy/one song guitarist outside the bar, while i smoked to wait out the rest of their set, set me off. bitching about how stressful tour is and how he is so tired.
i'm thinking, 'your band SUCKS ASS, and you're BITCHING about opening for the goddamned LEMONHEADS???' i wanted to knee him and tell him to grow a pair and be a grateful prick. but i didn't.
we went back inside and listened to another opener. they were okay. i think they could be great with some vocal training, but they also seem like they're geared to be famous.
we stood at the front of the room for their set, and suffered in the heat without drinks and a smoke break, just to have a prime spot for the lemonheads.
and it was so so worth it.
the show was amazing. seeing evan's crazy eyes and wondering about how high he was, and if he'd be alive afterwards, was really shitty. but the MUSIC.
hearing those songs, and watching his face, cracking smiles every so often. everyone was singing the words. i've also never been at a show that was that much of a sing along. everyone was as happy as i was to hear those songs. people, including me, were beaming. fists in the air at favorite lines, dancing. the whole nine.
despite whatever state of mind he was in, he did a fantastic job. his voice sounded as it always has recorded. he looked as he always has, still hot, despite his 44 years of rough living. he looked worn, but the same. and there were no telltale track marks on his arms. i worry that he'll be the next elliot smith. but that worry was not for this show, and hopefully not for the future. time will tell.
they played the album. then he played a solo set that was longer than that. and then the band came back for a few more. they didn't go on until 1130, and i think we left around 115. my ears were ringing loudly, despite my futile effort to cram a ton of toilet paper into them, because i forgot my earplugs.
i just couldn't believe that there was no person, absolutely nothing, standing between me and one of my former idol crushes. best spot in the house. it was impeccable. i couldn't stop staring.
i left absolutely thrilled with what i'd gotten for the money i'd spent.
the best part was watching him play and sing, and knowing that he was fucked up, whether he was just drunk or not was something i'll ever know, and seeing where his eyes landed. sometimes he seemed very far off, but he was noticing everything that was going on where we were standing. he'd look annoyed at people who were drunkenly talking loudly in the front during songs. he shook his head at the guy who was trying to grab him while he played, and at the guy who knocked his mic stand in a fit of excitement.
but halfway through the album, someone ripped a seriously stank fart where we were standing. it was so hot and still and aubree and i looked at each other, like godDAMN, that's awful. she said something in my ear about it and i commented back, during the end of a song. and the look on her face was priceless.
imagine my shock when evan bent down after the song, and leaned toward my baby sister to ask why she was making a face. he asked, 'what's going on? why do you have that disgusted look on your face?'
what was cute was that she looked at me, like, 'do i tell him??'
and said, 'it smells like someone shit their pants down here.'
and i said, 'yeah, it's funky down here. it's too hot for that shit.'
he said, 'yeah... it does smell pretty bad down here.'
they said something else i don't remember now, and it was over.
he stood up, and i said, 'it's okay. we're happy. it's not you.'
he smiled, and continued.
that's the story of the time that evan dando put a show on hold to interview my little sister.
it was EPIC.
i got a quick overnight visit with brownies. which was awesome and kindof surreal, but so fantastic.
i have seen her enough and talked to her often enough in the past two months for me to feel like we live in the same place, even though we're eight states apart.
her visit this summer was great, when she drove up with me, but she saw me at a rough time, and this visit was so much better. i wish we'd had more time, but it was really nice to catch up in person and get brownies-hugs.
the next day aubree came back. i couldn't be any happier. it's so awesome to have rejoined forces with her, on this side of that depression summer. i feel so much happier in general, so much more myself, and after the way she left me, i'm sure she's glad she's back, too. i'm so much healthier, emotionally and mentally.
it's a huge relief. in so many ways. kenna was here for work this week, and i didn't worry about the stores i work at and see daily, knowing that aubree was there to help, and that i can trust everyone working for me right now.
the visit was quick, as per the usual. it was nice to get kenna-hugs, too. we talked as much about life as we did about business, which is usually how it is.
soemtimes i think she likes to listen to me and ask me questions to make sure i'm not going anywhere. we're genuine friends, and we care about each other. but i think it also serves to put her worries aside, knowing that she can still count on me.
we had a very candid conversation about how much she relies on me (entirely). how nervous it makes her, and i told her it makes me nervous, too. but she was happy to see things exactly as she left them a year ago. we were able to talk quite a bit, even if we didn't get much done.
and next, my dad gets here on tuesday.
let the housework commence...
* * *
and now it's sunday, somehow. this is the longest i've ever worked on a post, a full week, and there's not much to show for it.
but i do have a lot to say.
so now, dad leaves in the morning to drive up, they'll get in on tuesday afternoon, plan and assess the work, rest, and kick my house's ass while i'm at work.
it's so exciting. i will have a party or two when it's done. i can't wait to show it off.
i'd love to reconnect with my old musician friends from my married life, and have them play a potluck like we used to host when i was still with ever.
i spent a decent chunk of time this weekend in my head about boys. well, thinking about boys, but still heady about that one in particular. because i got an invite to a party where he might be.
luckily, i had other plans. because i keep thinking i'm ready to see him and talk to him (it's been four whole months), and to also believe that i could tap it and walk away smiling without repercussions. but i don't know if i would, or if the opportunity would even present itself.
i also thought a little about intern. it's because they're my go-to's when i'm all horned up. i can't help it. they both have that effect on me. but i also know that it's because, after a month and a half of medication, my sex drive is now fully awakened. it sucks for me, on a daily basis. goddamned thirty year old woman hormones. ugh.
also, i've told lauren and my sister both that i feel better about myself. and unlike before, when my confidence was instilled by one person, and taken away when i got rejected by greg, this time, i've accomplished it on my own. so it doesn't feel like it will be so easy to lose.
i got a haircut yesterday. it's a little jacked up, but i think i can use enough stuff to flatten the poof on top of my head until it grows back the way it will in a week or two.
it also comes from feeling good about the work i'm doing at work. having a successful visit with kenna was just what i needed. i now have the balls to ask for a raise for the new year, once the work i'm doing now proves itself in better numbers over the next six weeks. and i'll be fresh off of a vacation home for christmas and new year's which will also be awesome and fun.
another road trip with aubree. and a ride back with her girl. it's going to be fantastic. new life being breathed into the house and my life, making me feel like things are back on track again.
being medicated has had an interesting effect on me that i wasn't expecting. even when i'm sad enough to cry, or in a situation that would have been emotionally more than i could withstand before, i don't cry.
the flat affect. my highs are high, and my lows aren't as low. so i'm grateful for that. all the good without any of the bad.
but it does feel strange to be sad sometimes and not cry it out. pent up, the way i feel not having sex for four months. i repeat myself, when i say that i feel for the next guy who decides to get tangled up with me in bed. i hope the boy i choose can keep up.
i put up a new picture on my dating profile. and in 24 hours, 21 guys checked me out. if only i could find a crop of hot dudes looking for light fun on the site. it's not for lack of looking. i keep finding amazing dudes who all happen to be living in brooklyn and manhattan. it's unfortunate. if only i made that trek more often, i'm certain i could have a few flings up there, come back and not dwell on it.
if i didn't suck at dating, perhaps.
sigh.
i'm wiped out. a weekend that didn't do what it could have to replenish my energy. i think that it's a cumulative effect. one caused by working entirely too hard for way too long. i hope this week is easier on me, and that i can get some breaks.
i think that, at the end of the day, my life feels more balanced now. i know that doesn't make much sense after the lines i just wrote. but it feels true, regardless. work hard, play hard.
i had an abnormally social end of week, and a social weekend. and it did a lot for me, mentally and emotionally. i am not pushing friends away now, for the sake of sparing them my debbie downer mentality. and i think it's partially to blame for taking so long to get to writing this post.
i got to see lauren, which was great. and i got to see the other lauren who used to work with me. it was so much fun, despite being so completely exhausted by thursday night that i didn't think i'd make it out of bed. and old tea, pre-medicated, would have certainly stayed in bed instead. but having the motivation to go out, and have a couple drinks and feel off kilter from the lack of beer drinking i've been sticking to, is a refreshing change.
depending more on friends to keep me from feeling lonely even when i'm not alone has been a nice change, too. and knowing that i'm a better friend who isn't so consumed with her own problems that she can't even plug into other people's lives has made me feel better about myself, too.
it was a horrible phase to realize (afterwards) that my friends needed me while i was depressed, and even when i could ask them how they were doing, i felt my mind wander the entire time we talked, thinking about how awful i felt, and remembering random things that kept me depressed for those months.
i know it's okay that everything happened the way it did, because i think i should have been medicated before now. and honestly, i think that if i'd been medicated when greg was absent, it wouldn't have hit me over the head the way it did.
but on this side of it, i don't regret those things all being prodded into existence. in the end, it felt good to believe again. and i don't hate him for waking up the things sleeping deep inside of me.
the way i see it, one of two things will happen next. i don't know how long it will be, but i'm pretty sure that the next time won't hurt as much. i won't want to stay in bed if it ends. and i don't have to walk around so jaded and convinced that i'll never find it again, much less in this lifetime.
it was nice to believe, even though it was so short lived, that i could find someone to connect with that deeply. and that i could entertain stopping the path to my bed that was simply that, to have something more, something multifaceted.
it was nice to have it all. it felt right.
and i'm finally over the part where i harbor all the horrible residual feelings from losing it. i still feel jipped. i still feel like it was special. but i also feel that, if we never come back to a place where we can share that again, i'll be okay. and i'll probably find it again. and maybe it won't be so brief the next time around.
in the grand scheme of things, it didn't take long at all. i found it a little over a year after i left ever. i found it just two months after i let myself start looking for it again. and like the records i set with him in bed, i feel like i broke more records, when i think about how quickly it all happened.
and i'll never agree with alice about him being my rebound from ever. i feel pretty confident that the time i took away from males for that year (with the exception of chalk, who definitively didn't count) kept me from making that mistake. and maybe solely because ever didn't make me feel those things after the first couple weeks i knew him.
if anything, he was my rebound from the damage coffee caused. it was so much more like that than anything else i've experienced. very old feelings i didn't know i was capable of feeling again.
i felt them. and as smartly as i approached it, i couldn't have been more careful as it fell apart. there was a coaxing that had never been there before. something mutual for the first time i can honestly say i have experienced in my life.
it will happen again. and i'll be okay if it takes another 14 years to find it.
whether it was real, or whether it was just easy for him to make me feel and think those things, i will probably not ever know.
in thinking about the dinner party, what i most looked forward to about being in the same place as him was the chance to be the happy version of myself i was when i met him. to show him that i'm still standing. i don't know why it's so important to me for him to see that he didn't destroy me ultimately. but i'm also realistic enough to know that, if he'd brought a date, i'd have politely excused myself, and probably taken a while to recover.
but aren't the payoffs worth the risk? i return to the previously optimistic version of myself when i think, emphatically, that it's ALWAYS worth the risk. for the learning and knowledge and experience itself, if not for something bigger.
i'm not scared now. i'm not afraid to ask hard questions when put in a room with another boy who broke my heart, just like i wasn't last summer. fearful, yes. but walking away with answers, even when they are in the form of unanswered questions, is something i can accomplish now.
i can work a long day, come home to a house that feels so much less problematic, and so much more complete, not be a drunk, and daydream about the time when that will happen.
after a major setback, i feel like things are okay again. like i've made so much progress, just as i felt before i met greg.
in taking things back (i had a frosty with fries on friday night, and listened to songs that i was unable to stomach before, without so much as a flutter), i feel like my life isn't ruined anymore, which was how it truly felt in the months following being ditched by someone i saw a bright future with.
maybe thinking about it still is a continuation of the setback. but it doesn't feel so inescapable now. it doesn't feel like a heavy wet blanket of sadness holding me down now.
i feel free again, mostly.
and that feels really, really GOOD.
lemonheads.
sunday afternoon, i wanted to write. i was in a daze, ears still ringing, from seeing the lemonheads with aubree on saturday night. my ears were still ringing yesterday. and for a bit today as well. i think i might have done some permanent damage.
it was such an awesome show. i've never been to a show like that before.
i found out about it a few months ago, and bought my tickets (luckily) a few weeks ago.
* * *
and that's as far as i got on tuesday.
and now it's thursday. groan.
moving on...
* * *
so i bought tickets, and it sold out like i knew it would.
i just kept thinking, 'there's no way the LEMONHEADS are going to play. much less a tiny venue.'
i couldn't imagine being at a bar where i could just lean over and say hello to EVAN DANDO. i mean, shit, i was really into them in high school, and in college. i stopped listening when i got his solo album because it was a little country for my tastes, but to this day i still put their songs on my mixes. i LOVE the lemonheads, and it had been so long since they were around, i chalked them up to another nirvana, who were so influential to me, and such a big part of my life. i thought he'd have overdosed by now, and that i'd never have the chance to see them live.
and what was even crazier to me, is that they were going to play 'it's a shame about ray' in its entirety. which is my favorite. just a solid album.
so i knew it would be an incredible show. i didn't bat a lash at dropping $50 on two tickets.
and walking in and seeing them do soundcheck? i mean, i was a door and fifteen feet from him. and having a beer at the bar while we waited for doors to open, he walked right past me and i just stared in awe.
it's a mixed bag for me, emotionally. his addiction to heroin was in the forefront of my mind. it brought up a lot of the ever stuff i've tried to completely put aside. for days before, and in the week since the show.
the opening band was god awful. new york wannabes, with a singer all of 20, who thinks he's the next mick jagger. and hearing the merch guy/one song guitarist outside the bar, while i smoked to wait out the rest of their set, set me off. bitching about how stressful tour is and how he is so tired.
i'm thinking, 'your band SUCKS ASS, and you're BITCHING about opening for the goddamned LEMONHEADS???' i wanted to knee him and tell him to grow a pair and be a grateful prick. but i didn't.
we went back inside and listened to another opener. they were okay. i think they could be great with some vocal training, but they also seem like they're geared to be famous.
we stood at the front of the room for their set, and suffered in the heat without drinks and a smoke break, just to have a prime spot for the lemonheads.
and it was so so worth it.
the show was amazing. seeing evan's crazy eyes and wondering about how high he was, and if he'd be alive afterwards, was really shitty. but the MUSIC.
hearing those songs, and watching his face, cracking smiles every so often. everyone was singing the words. i've also never been at a show that was that much of a sing along. everyone was as happy as i was to hear those songs. people, including me, were beaming. fists in the air at favorite lines, dancing. the whole nine.
despite whatever state of mind he was in, he did a fantastic job. his voice sounded as it always has recorded. he looked as he always has, still hot, despite his 44 years of rough living. he looked worn, but the same. and there were no telltale track marks on his arms. i worry that he'll be the next elliot smith. but that worry was not for this show, and hopefully not for the future. time will tell.
they played the album. then he played a solo set that was longer than that. and then the band came back for a few more. they didn't go on until 1130, and i think we left around 115. my ears were ringing loudly, despite my futile effort to cram a ton of toilet paper into them, because i forgot my earplugs.
i just couldn't believe that there was no person, absolutely nothing, standing between me and one of my former idol crushes. best spot in the house. it was impeccable. i couldn't stop staring.
i left absolutely thrilled with what i'd gotten for the money i'd spent.
the best part was watching him play and sing, and knowing that he was fucked up, whether he was just drunk or not was something i'll ever know, and seeing where his eyes landed. sometimes he seemed very far off, but he was noticing everything that was going on where we were standing. he'd look annoyed at people who were drunkenly talking loudly in the front during songs. he shook his head at the guy who was trying to grab him while he played, and at the guy who knocked his mic stand in a fit of excitement.
but halfway through the album, someone ripped a seriously stank fart where we were standing. it was so hot and still and aubree and i looked at each other, like godDAMN, that's awful. she said something in my ear about it and i commented back, during the end of a song. and the look on her face was priceless.
imagine my shock when evan bent down after the song, and leaned toward my baby sister to ask why she was making a face. he asked, 'what's going on? why do you have that disgusted look on your face?'
what was cute was that she looked at me, like, 'do i tell him??'
and said, 'it smells like someone shit their pants down here.'
and i said, 'yeah, it's funky down here. it's too hot for that shit.'
he said, 'yeah... it does smell pretty bad down here.'
they said something else i don't remember now, and it was over.
he stood up, and i said, 'it's okay. we're happy. it's not you.'
he smiled, and continued.
that's the story of the time that evan dando put a show on hold to interview my little sister.
it was EPIC.
i got a quick overnight visit with brownies. which was awesome and kindof surreal, but so fantastic.
i have seen her enough and talked to her often enough in the past two months for me to feel like we live in the same place, even though we're eight states apart.
her visit this summer was great, when she drove up with me, but she saw me at a rough time, and this visit was so much better. i wish we'd had more time, but it was really nice to catch up in person and get brownies-hugs.
the next day aubree came back. i couldn't be any happier. it's so awesome to have rejoined forces with her, on this side of that depression summer. i feel so much happier in general, so much more myself, and after the way she left me, i'm sure she's glad she's back, too. i'm so much healthier, emotionally and mentally.
it's a huge relief. in so many ways. kenna was here for work this week, and i didn't worry about the stores i work at and see daily, knowing that aubree was there to help, and that i can trust everyone working for me right now.
the visit was quick, as per the usual. it was nice to get kenna-hugs, too. we talked as much about life as we did about business, which is usually how it is.
soemtimes i think she likes to listen to me and ask me questions to make sure i'm not going anywhere. we're genuine friends, and we care about each other. but i think it also serves to put her worries aside, knowing that she can still count on me.
we had a very candid conversation about how much she relies on me (entirely). how nervous it makes her, and i told her it makes me nervous, too. but she was happy to see things exactly as she left them a year ago. we were able to talk quite a bit, even if we didn't get much done.
and next, my dad gets here on tuesday.
let the housework commence...
* * *
and now it's sunday, somehow. this is the longest i've ever worked on a post, a full week, and there's not much to show for it.
but i do have a lot to say.
so now, dad leaves in the morning to drive up, they'll get in on tuesday afternoon, plan and assess the work, rest, and kick my house's ass while i'm at work.
it's so exciting. i will have a party or two when it's done. i can't wait to show it off.
i'd love to reconnect with my old musician friends from my married life, and have them play a potluck like we used to host when i was still with ever.
i spent a decent chunk of time this weekend in my head about boys. well, thinking about boys, but still heady about that one in particular. because i got an invite to a party where he might be.
luckily, i had other plans. because i keep thinking i'm ready to see him and talk to him (it's been four whole months), and to also believe that i could tap it and walk away smiling without repercussions. but i don't know if i would, or if the opportunity would even present itself.
i also thought a little about intern. it's because they're my go-to's when i'm all horned up. i can't help it. they both have that effect on me. but i also know that it's because, after a month and a half of medication, my sex drive is now fully awakened. it sucks for me, on a daily basis. goddamned thirty year old woman hormones. ugh.
also, i've told lauren and my sister both that i feel better about myself. and unlike before, when my confidence was instilled by one person, and taken away when i got rejected by greg, this time, i've accomplished it on my own. so it doesn't feel like it will be so easy to lose.
i got a haircut yesterday. it's a little jacked up, but i think i can use enough stuff to flatten the poof on top of my head until it grows back the way it will in a week or two.
it also comes from feeling good about the work i'm doing at work. having a successful visit with kenna was just what i needed. i now have the balls to ask for a raise for the new year, once the work i'm doing now proves itself in better numbers over the next six weeks. and i'll be fresh off of a vacation home for christmas and new year's which will also be awesome and fun.
another road trip with aubree. and a ride back with her girl. it's going to be fantastic. new life being breathed into the house and my life, making me feel like things are back on track again.
being medicated has had an interesting effect on me that i wasn't expecting. even when i'm sad enough to cry, or in a situation that would have been emotionally more than i could withstand before, i don't cry.
the flat affect. my highs are high, and my lows aren't as low. so i'm grateful for that. all the good without any of the bad.
but it does feel strange to be sad sometimes and not cry it out. pent up, the way i feel not having sex for four months. i repeat myself, when i say that i feel for the next guy who decides to get tangled up with me in bed. i hope the boy i choose can keep up.
i put up a new picture on my dating profile. and in 24 hours, 21 guys checked me out. if only i could find a crop of hot dudes looking for light fun on the site. it's not for lack of looking. i keep finding amazing dudes who all happen to be living in brooklyn and manhattan. it's unfortunate. if only i made that trek more often, i'm certain i could have a few flings up there, come back and not dwell on it.
if i didn't suck at dating, perhaps.
sigh.
i'm wiped out. a weekend that didn't do what it could have to replenish my energy. i think that it's a cumulative effect. one caused by working entirely too hard for way too long. i hope this week is easier on me, and that i can get some breaks.
i think that, at the end of the day, my life feels more balanced now. i know that doesn't make much sense after the lines i just wrote. but it feels true, regardless. work hard, play hard.
i had an abnormally social end of week, and a social weekend. and it did a lot for me, mentally and emotionally. i am not pushing friends away now, for the sake of sparing them my debbie downer mentality. and i think it's partially to blame for taking so long to get to writing this post.
i got to see lauren, which was great. and i got to see the other lauren who used to work with me. it was so much fun, despite being so completely exhausted by thursday night that i didn't think i'd make it out of bed. and old tea, pre-medicated, would have certainly stayed in bed instead. but having the motivation to go out, and have a couple drinks and feel off kilter from the lack of beer drinking i've been sticking to, is a refreshing change.
depending more on friends to keep me from feeling lonely even when i'm not alone has been a nice change, too. and knowing that i'm a better friend who isn't so consumed with her own problems that she can't even plug into other people's lives has made me feel better about myself, too.
it was a horrible phase to realize (afterwards) that my friends needed me while i was depressed, and even when i could ask them how they were doing, i felt my mind wander the entire time we talked, thinking about how awful i felt, and remembering random things that kept me depressed for those months.
i know it's okay that everything happened the way it did, because i think i should have been medicated before now. and honestly, i think that if i'd been medicated when greg was absent, it wouldn't have hit me over the head the way it did.
but on this side of it, i don't regret those things all being prodded into existence. in the end, it felt good to believe again. and i don't hate him for waking up the things sleeping deep inside of me.
the way i see it, one of two things will happen next. i don't know how long it will be, but i'm pretty sure that the next time won't hurt as much. i won't want to stay in bed if it ends. and i don't have to walk around so jaded and convinced that i'll never find it again, much less in this lifetime.
it was nice to believe, even though it was so short lived, that i could find someone to connect with that deeply. and that i could entertain stopping the path to my bed that was simply that, to have something more, something multifaceted.
it was nice to have it all. it felt right.
and i'm finally over the part where i harbor all the horrible residual feelings from losing it. i still feel jipped. i still feel like it was special. but i also feel that, if we never come back to a place where we can share that again, i'll be okay. and i'll probably find it again. and maybe it won't be so brief the next time around.
in the grand scheme of things, it didn't take long at all. i found it a little over a year after i left ever. i found it just two months after i let myself start looking for it again. and like the records i set with him in bed, i feel like i broke more records, when i think about how quickly it all happened.
and i'll never agree with alice about him being my rebound from ever. i feel pretty confident that the time i took away from males for that year (with the exception of chalk, who definitively didn't count) kept me from making that mistake. and maybe solely because ever didn't make me feel those things after the first couple weeks i knew him.
if anything, he was my rebound from the damage coffee caused. it was so much more like that than anything else i've experienced. very old feelings i didn't know i was capable of feeling again.
i felt them. and as smartly as i approached it, i couldn't have been more careful as it fell apart. there was a coaxing that had never been there before. something mutual for the first time i can honestly say i have experienced in my life.
it will happen again. and i'll be okay if it takes another 14 years to find it.
whether it was real, or whether it was just easy for him to make me feel and think those things, i will probably not ever know.
in thinking about the dinner party, what i most looked forward to about being in the same place as him was the chance to be the happy version of myself i was when i met him. to show him that i'm still standing. i don't know why it's so important to me for him to see that he didn't destroy me ultimately. but i'm also realistic enough to know that, if he'd brought a date, i'd have politely excused myself, and probably taken a while to recover.
but aren't the payoffs worth the risk? i return to the previously optimistic version of myself when i think, emphatically, that it's ALWAYS worth the risk. for the learning and knowledge and experience itself, if not for something bigger.
i'm not scared now. i'm not afraid to ask hard questions when put in a room with another boy who broke my heart, just like i wasn't last summer. fearful, yes. but walking away with answers, even when they are in the form of unanswered questions, is something i can accomplish now.
i can work a long day, come home to a house that feels so much less problematic, and so much more complete, not be a drunk, and daydream about the time when that will happen.
after a major setback, i feel like things are okay again. like i've made so much progress, just as i felt before i met greg.
in taking things back (i had a frosty with fries on friday night, and listened to songs that i was unable to stomach before, without so much as a flutter), i feel like my life isn't ruined anymore, which was how it truly felt in the months following being ditched by someone i saw a bright future with.
maybe thinking about it still is a continuation of the setback. but it doesn't feel so inescapable now. it doesn't feel like a heavy wet blanket of sadness holding me down now.
i feel free again, mostly.
and that feels really, really GOOD.
one month. sept 30th - oct 1st.
it's been an interesting month.
a good month. a better month.
weekends now are something to look forward to. fridays are usually not dreaded. except with the driving and thinking parts.
getting on medication was probably one of the better decisions i've made in my life. i spend a lot of time thinking about all of my mistakes and regrets (i'm not very kind to myself), and it's nice to know that i finally got something right.
the first few days were definitely rough, but the first week was already an improvement, and the following weeks have been progressively better. i've lost a lot of sleep from waking up in the middle of the night, but i'm on day two of not taking ativan and being able to fall back asleep. i want to eliminate it completely, which is the goal, but the last time i got to day two, i woke up in the first panic since starting the medication. i'm changing the time i'm taking it on shrink's advice to not take it at night and see if i sleep better. it already seems to be working.
being at work so much was also a good choice. it's going to be nice next week when aubree is back and at work with me, i can take it easy and coast out of the gear i've been stuck in for a few weeks now.
laughing with pam and kim every day is good for me. and spending more time smiling at work than frowning/sad is a noticeable difference. a few people i'm around at work have even commented on it.
and my drive waking up from a several month slumber has made for interesting situations on a daily basis. i feel like i'm constantly sniffing out boys, and have taken back to daydreaming about intern and hoping for that encounter. i'm just thinking about how to accomplish the feat, and then how to seal the deal.
last weekend, i'd been on fb with him about a show we both wanted to go to that was sold out by time we decided to go.
he went on saturday while i was getting fancy, and he texted me a line from ween, from the show.
it made me blush and giggle, most likely entirely too excited by the fact that he randomly thought of me at the show, and because he bothered to text me. i cashed in on the text, spouting lines back and saying we should grab beers sometime. to which he said, 'yeah definitely'.
so there's that, in the back of my mind.
in the front of my mind, as per the usual, is that other boy.
i mostly talked about that at the shrink. why it's taking me so super long to let go and begin to get over it. because i'm still not. she attributes it to being secluded from friends for a while and not having the mental reserve and motivation to get over it. she thinks i'm just now at the beginning, because i'm just now feeling good in general.
the medication is doing what it's supposed to be doing: the highs aren't high, the lows aren't low, i'm not crying, and i'm not worrying. my thoughts are slower, so i can process them like normal people do (i think). and problems are manageable, instead of overwhelming.
but instead of beating myself up about the fact that i know he wouldn't make me happy and still want him back anyway (i cannot figure out why), and besides the fact that he stole my closure from me (can't figure that out either), she encouraged me to let myself be distracted by other boys and to not feel bad that i want someone next to me, short or long term. and to not worry that i'm not able to let go. that now is the time to start that process.
in other news, i finished 'six feet under'. i'd definitely not say that it was the best show i've ever seen. there were a few actors that i really didn't care for at all, throughout the series, some of the acting was pretty terrible.
but the last three episodes. the series finale? it's been stuck in my brain for days now. i keep thinking about the way they ended it, and have been wanting to rewatch it. it feels a little like saying good bye to friends or something - i guess that's a complement to character development.
and the last time i cried, it was watching that show. it felt good to cry about fiction, not reality. the end was so heartbreaking, and fitting.
anyway, now i can't stop listening to sia's 'breathe me'. one of the saddest songs i've heard in a long time. and hearing it makes the show's end play back in my brain.
* * *
riding my bike home yesterday, out of nowhere, i wanted to smoke weed.
i don't know where the idea came from, but i came home and took an apple off the kitchen counter, and hit it.
it was lovely. after a long week, all i wanted to do was drink endless beers. and it was 3 in the afternoon, so that wasn't going to happen.
i smoked. i sat. i drank an emergen-c, which was quite the experience. i sipped off the tart powder foam and giggled. i smoked a lot of cigarettes. too many cigarettes. i looked at the clouds. i smiled in the sun on another crisp afternoon that makes me wistful for fall weather.
and mike came home from work, and came into my room. he saw the apple, and i said i'd stolen it from him, and that he could smoke if he wanted to. and i told him i'd gotten stoned and had a nice afternoon. so he grabbed everything and talked me into going outside to smoke with him. we spent an hour outside, smoking and talking. and he started giggling like a girl.
it was silly. it was fun. he said he wanted my sister to smoke with us.
we discussed it. i can't be the reason she smokes for the first time. but i told him i wanted to smoke with her, too.
then we listened to music. and made snacks and talked in my room for a while.
it was a weird night staying in, but i'm glad that we hung out.
when we were good and stoned, i asked him if he'd quit the y and joined the jcc yet. he said no. i told him he needs to go ahead and join, and meet some nice single jewish boys, because i like jewish boys. and that he should bring them over so i can make out with them. he said that sounded like a lot of work, and that there was nothing in it for him.
this morning, i woke up early and made coffee after laying in bed for a solid hour thinking, and refusing to get up.
but once i did, i stuck to my word, and vacuumed the house from top to bottom. a few hours, spent most of that time on my knees on the stairs, cleaning the runners. there's still fur all in the carpet from ever's zoo and refusal to clean anything when he lived here. i have probably vacuumed them four times since i moved back in, and there's still fur lodged in there. but today, there's a lot less.
the runners look fantastic now, and it felt pretty awesome to clean everything in preparation for both aubree on tuesday and brownies on wednesday. i'm really very excited.
not to mention, it was beautifully cool and breezy, weatherwise, and all the windows were open, letting fresh air in. and sunlight.
and after two half-caff coffees, and cleaning the top two floors, i grabbed the apple and finished off what we'd started last night. and spent time listening to music in headphones and smoking in the sun. and drinking more emergen-c.
that's the problem with me and smoking.
once i start using that crutch, i don't really want to not use it.
like cigarettes, and blaming my writing for making me pick the habit back up again more than once, i blame headphones and beautiful weather for making me want to smoke weed more.
everything sounds better. i'm in my head all the time. headphones drown that noise out. even though things are so much quieter, i definitely have heady days, and today was one of them. cleaning and baking are meditative, always. and spending so much time cleaning with music today, i had a lot of time to think.
i knew i wanted to try to see alice this weekend. it's been like a month since we hung out. and after my trip to the shrink this week, she'd encouraged me to make an effort to see her, and to not be afraid to bring him up.
i guess i've been worried for a while that things ending with him, and the two of them being best friends, would mean that she didn't want to be my friend anymore. and i guess that as far as the shrink is concerned, any time spent thinking about that could be eliminated if i just hung out with her and saw that everything was okay. and that i'd feel even better about it if i brought him up and still saw that everything was okay.
and it was. and i do feel a lot better.
i didn't say a lot about him. but i asked if he was doing okay.
and she'd made a comment earlier in the night and followed it with 'but don't tell him i said that'. and i said, 'i haven't talked to him in two months, what would i possibly tell him, silly?'
she really didn't know. she didn't know what happened. and i didn't really tell her, just said that he dumped me and crushed me and broke my heart. she thought we'd just fizzled.
and i said that i'd tried to keep her out of it and not talk to her about it because i know they're tight, but that if he ever mentioned me, that i wouldn't mind if she encouraged him to do something about it.
i blame it on the two beers i had at the bar, watching the phils win the first division game.
i'm a lightweight now. and they had bells two hearted on draught, so i had a nice head start.
it felt good to take the phils back. the last game i watched was at his house. and the only game i went to this season was with him.
and watching them come back from behind to win with a bunch of drunk happy people was a nice distraction. i think that red october is going to be fun. the past couple years of phillies post season has been an exhausting hobby, but a super fun one that gets me out of the house and in bars with friends. it gives me something to cheer about.
i'll probably watch the games at home more than out, but i'm looking forward to it.
i'm just glad i got over the sense of dread, and sucked it up, and then really enjoyed myself.
and seeing alice made it even better.
man, i love pinback.
i'm going to try to moderate with the whole smoking thing. but man, it's hard. i enjoy feeling inspired. feeling a little more open minded. and wanting to make art. and to write. and wanting to listen to music in the dark, and really appreciate it.
it's better than being drunk and sad.
i can justify anything if i put my mind to it.
a good month. a better month.
weekends now are something to look forward to. fridays are usually not dreaded. except with the driving and thinking parts.
getting on medication was probably one of the better decisions i've made in my life. i spend a lot of time thinking about all of my mistakes and regrets (i'm not very kind to myself), and it's nice to know that i finally got something right.
the first few days were definitely rough, but the first week was already an improvement, and the following weeks have been progressively better. i've lost a lot of sleep from waking up in the middle of the night, but i'm on day two of not taking ativan and being able to fall back asleep. i want to eliminate it completely, which is the goal, but the last time i got to day two, i woke up in the first panic since starting the medication. i'm changing the time i'm taking it on shrink's advice to not take it at night and see if i sleep better. it already seems to be working.
being at work so much was also a good choice. it's going to be nice next week when aubree is back and at work with me, i can take it easy and coast out of the gear i've been stuck in for a few weeks now.
laughing with pam and kim every day is good for me. and spending more time smiling at work than frowning/sad is a noticeable difference. a few people i'm around at work have even commented on it.
and my drive waking up from a several month slumber has made for interesting situations on a daily basis. i feel like i'm constantly sniffing out boys, and have taken back to daydreaming about intern and hoping for that encounter. i'm just thinking about how to accomplish the feat, and then how to seal the deal.
last weekend, i'd been on fb with him about a show we both wanted to go to that was sold out by time we decided to go.
he went on saturday while i was getting fancy, and he texted me a line from ween, from the show.
it made me blush and giggle, most likely entirely too excited by the fact that he randomly thought of me at the show, and because he bothered to text me. i cashed in on the text, spouting lines back and saying we should grab beers sometime. to which he said, 'yeah definitely'.
so there's that, in the back of my mind.
in the front of my mind, as per the usual, is that other boy.
i mostly talked about that at the shrink. why it's taking me so super long to let go and begin to get over it. because i'm still not. she attributes it to being secluded from friends for a while and not having the mental reserve and motivation to get over it. she thinks i'm just now at the beginning, because i'm just now feeling good in general.
the medication is doing what it's supposed to be doing: the highs aren't high, the lows aren't low, i'm not crying, and i'm not worrying. my thoughts are slower, so i can process them like normal people do (i think). and problems are manageable, instead of overwhelming.
but instead of beating myself up about the fact that i know he wouldn't make me happy and still want him back anyway (i cannot figure out why), and besides the fact that he stole my closure from me (can't figure that out either), she encouraged me to let myself be distracted by other boys and to not feel bad that i want someone next to me, short or long term. and to not worry that i'm not able to let go. that now is the time to start that process.
in other news, i finished 'six feet under'. i'd definitely not say that it was the best show i've ever seen. there were a few actors that i really didn't care for at all, throughout the series, some of the acting was pretty terrible.
but the last three episodes. the series finale? it's been stuck in my brain for days now. i keep thinking about the way they ended it, and have been wanting to rewatch it. it feels a little like saying good bye to friends or something - i guess that's a complement to character development.
and the last time i cried, it was watching that show. it felt good to cry about fiction, not reality. the end was so heartbreaking, and fitting.
anyway, now i can't stop listening to sia's 'breathe me'. one of the saddest songs i've heard in a long time. and hearing it makes the show's end play back in my brain.
* * *
riding my bike home yesterday, out of nowhere, i wanted to smoke weed.
i don't know where the idea came from, but i came home and took an apple off the kitchen counter, and hit it.
it was lovely. after a long week, all i wanted to do was drink endless beers. and it was 3 in the afternoon, so that wasn't going to happen.
i smoked. i sat. i drank an emergen-c, which was quite the experience. i sipped off the tart powder foam and giggled. i smoked a lot of cigarettes. too many cigarettes. i looked at the clouds. i smiled in the sun on another crisp afternoon that makes me wistful for fall weather.
and mike came home from work, and came into my room. he saw the apple, and i said i'd stolen it from him, and that he could smoke if he wanted to. and i told him i'd gotten stoned and had a nice afternoon. so he grabbed everything and talked me into going outside to smoke with him. we spent an hour outside, smoking and talking. and he started giggling like a girl.
it was silly. it was fun. he said he wanted my sister to smoke with us.
we discussed it. i can't be the reason she smokes for the first time. but i told him i wanted to smoke with her, too.
then we listened to music. and made snacks and talked in my room for a while.
it was a weird night staying in, but i'm glad that we hung out.
when we were good and stoned, i asked him if he'd quit the y and joined the jcc yet. he said no. i told him he needs to go ahead and join, and meet some nice single jewish boys, because i like jewish boys. and that he should bring them over so i can make out with them. he said that sounded like a lot of work, and that there was nothing in it for him.
this morning, i woke up early and made coffee after laying in bed for a solid hour thinking, and refusing to get up.
but once i did, i stuck to my word, and vacuumed the house from top to bottom. a few hours, spent most of that time on my knees on the stairs, cleaning the runners. there's still fur all in the carpet from ever's zoo and refusal to clean anything when he lived here. i have probably vacuumed them four times since i moved back in, and there's still fur lodged in there. but today, there's a lot less.
the runners look fantastic now, and it felt pretty awesome to clean everything in preparation for both aubree on tuesday and brownies on wednesday. i'm really very excited.
not to mention, it was beautifully cool and breezy, weatherwise, and all the windows were open, letting fresh air in. and sunlight.
and after two half-caff coffees, and cleaning the top two floors, i grabbed the apple and finished off what we'd started last night. and spent time listening to music in headphones and smoking in the sun. and drinking more emergen-c.
that's the problem with me and smoking.
once i start using that crutch, i don't really want to not use it.
like cigarettes, and blaming my writing for making me pick the habit back up again more than once, i blame headphones and beautiful weather for making me want to smoke weed more.
everything sounds better. i'm in my head all the time. headphones drown that noise out. even though things are so much quieter, i definitely have heady days, and today was one of them. cleaning and baking are meditative, always. and spending so much time cleaning with music today, i had a lot of time to think.
i knew i wanted to try to see alice this weekend. it's been like a month since we hung out. and after my trip to the shrink this week, she'd encouraged me to make an effort to see her, and to not be afraid to bring him up.
i guess i've been worried for a while that things ending with him, and the two of them being best friends, would mean that she didn't want to be my friend anymore. and i guess that as far as the shrink is concerned, any time spent thinking about that could be eliminated if i just hung out with her and saw that everything was okay. and that i'd feel even better about it if i brought him up and still saw that everything was okay.
and it was. and i do feel a lot better.
i didn't say a lot about him. but i asked if he was doing okay.
and she'd made a comment earlier in the night and followed it with 'but don't tell him i said that'. and i said, 'i haven't talked to him in two months, what would i possibly tell him, silly?'
she really didn't know. she didn't know what happened. and i didn't really tell her, just said that he dumped me and crushed me and broke my heart. she thought we'd just fizzled.
and i said that i'd tried to keep her out of it and not talk to her about it because i know they're tight, but that if he ever mentioned me, that i wouldn't mind if she encouraged him to do something about it.
i blame it on the two beers i had at the bar, watching the phils win the first division game.
i'm a lightweight now. and they had bells two hearted on draught, so i had a nice head start.
it felt good to take the phils back. the last game i watched was at his house. and the only game i went to this season was with him.
and watching them come back from behind to win with a bunch of drunk happy people was a nice distraction. i think that red october is going to be fun. the past couple years of phillies post season has been an exhausting hobby, but a super fun one that gets me out of the house and in bars with friends. it gives me something to cheer about.
i'll probably watch the games at home more than out, but i'm looking forward to it.
i'm just glad i got over the sense of dread, and sucked it up, and then really enjoyed myself.
and seeing alice made it even better.
man, i love pinback.
i'm going to try to moderate with the whole smoking thing. but man, it's hard. i enjoy feeling inspired. feeling a little more open minded. and wanting to make art. and to write. and wanting to listen to music in the dark, and really appreciate it.
it's better than being drunk and sad.
i can justify anything if i put my mind to it.
tiptoe. september 14th.
day fourteen.
and what is seemingly the first day of fall. it feels like the first day of fall. suddenly, brought in by a midday shower and some blustery winds.
fittingly, i accidentally listened to some of my first-day-of-fall music when i played my 'happy for sad' mix on the way home from work, biking.
i don't know why i picked it, but what played while i rode against the wind, nose running and all, were the coffee songs of that magical fall. the songs i used to break out every fall.
this year is different.
even though last year was the first in a decade that i didn't drag out all of my old journals to read through them in order, this will be the second year i abstain.
i'm sometimes tempted to pull out the journal i started in the fall when i knew i wanted to leave ever. the one i hid and slept on top of when i was still with him. and the ones that followed, synced to this blog, ever since.
but, like the others, i don't really see the point in that. i'm sure i've forgotten a lot, and that is probably for the best.
so far, my brain is definitely quiet. it's incredible, really.
there is no panic wake up on a daily basis. there is no panic wind down time at the end of the night.
i'm having a hard time sleeping, but it's not from a racing brain. i'm simply not sleepy.
and night before last, i bragged to kit that the 4 am wake ups were over, and sure enough, the following morning, i had one. but it wasn't waking up and staying awake from worrying. it was just waking up suddenly from a sound outside, and not being able to fall back asleep for well over an hour, because my body thought it was time to be upright.
i was too afraid to take an ativan and sleep through my 6 am alarm, so i just tossed an turned for most of the two hours until it was time to go to work. i only know i slept because i woke up from a really nice dream with a start when my alarm went off.
it's not that my brain doesn't wander, or get lost within itself. it's not that i'm not still thinking about what i've lost, or how sad i've been. it's not that i'm not thinking about work and the house and finances.
it's that i'm not worrying about all of it. not simultaneously. and definitely not to the point where i'm sick inside.
i still have moments. yesterday was full of them. i blame it on suck store. everything about working there makes me think of him. all those hours and days and weeks spent writing him and thinking about how happy i was. reading excitedly everything he wrote back to me while i was bored there, in an effort to keep me entertained, like it was his job. and the drive. i thought that being away from there for a couple weeks would help get that shit out of my head, but the truth is, it just doesn't.
and some people i hadn't seen in months asked me how it was going with him. luckily, i'm medicated, or i'd likely have burst into tears. but instead, i kept it simple: 'he dumped me. i'll never understand it, but he did.'
i've been so much better. last weekend, i was looking forward to the time away from work. i've been working 10 and 11 hour days for a week now, and have worn myself completely out.
it's intentional. the busier i am, and the more i work, the less time i have to waste and be sad and think about where i am in life. it's how i got through the end of ever. i'm doing it again.
because it works.
it feels good to be doing well at work, it's rewarding. and besides hating the alarm when it goes off, i'm into it. it makes me feel like i deserve the weekends.
i woke up last saturday and went for a bike ride. a nice long ride on the path along the river. and it was so rewarding. to be out of bed and content to be alone with myself and my head. i was loaded down with freshly downloaded albums to listen to and fall for. and to push myself out of my comfort zone, which is the place where i do nothing public alone. and i didn't get all heady and ruin a good time, which was the best part of all.
i'm glad i cut back on drinking, because the other way i got through that initial time alone post-ever was to go to the bar alone. and i'm just not there yet, and it's okay with me that i'll probably never be. those nights made me feel more alone and awkward than most others. i'm all good with that. i'm plenty awkward and lonely without adding that nonsense to the mix.
most of the reason why i'm awake at night stems from longing for someone to hold me. i've caught myself smiling, thinking about the nights most recently when i wasn't alone.
i cannot believe that i've not had sex for over three months now.
i'm so grateful for a total lack of a sex drive, because it's keeping me from trolling dating site for the next boy to attempt to add to my roster, which is back to zero.
what's funny is that i've actually thought of hitting up matthew. because it was mostly fun. but i think he wouldn't accept or acknowledge my advances, so it's kept me from doing anything stupid. today is thursday, and when i feel lonely like this, i'm reminded that that was our date night, and that i spent several thursdays un-alone when i was sleeping with him.
joey floats around sometimes, too. just because of work. he'll never buy another cup of coffee from me, and i'm okay with that. but i still want to punch him in the arm and call him a bonehead and tell him if he ever wants to do that again, i'm game.
why is it so important to me to define myself by the guy that i'm hanging out with? or not hanging out with, in this case. why do i always want a boy shaped distraction from my boy shaped distractions?
i got so accustomed to sleeping alone, and then when i wasn't, it made me want it all the time. not in general. in a very specific person type of a way.
i am having an impossible time shaking the thought that nothing felt as good as being with greg. physically, while i was sleeping, but more so when we weren't sleeping. waking up next to him. everything felt so good and so right, like it could go on forever, and i'd never get sick or bored of it.
but here i am, all these months after, still wishing he'd turn up and apologize and say that it's not the same without me.
and it's never going to happen.
the sooner i realize that, the better off i'll be.
and i do feel like i'm in a rush to find the next boy like him. who makes me feel those things. it felt so great. until it didn't. and all i want is to not waste those feelings and moments and connections with someone who didn't even appreciate it.
especially tonight, because it's cold. and nothing would make me happier than to have that boy warming me up under the covers. or sit with legs touching on the deck in the sunset.
i'll get over it. before the drugs, i didn't think i would. it's nice to have hope that i'll get over this. but that day isn't today, and it hasn't happened yet. but i'll be okay, and i'm not crying over it anymore, so that's good, too. the last time that happened was about a week ago, in the throes of hormonal shittiness. i blame it squarely on my period showing up the next day. nothing more, nothing less.
i'm taking my quiet brain to bed. i'm hoping for at least a dream where i don't feel so lonely and cold.
fall has arrived in the northeast. my summer mix isn't even finished yet, but it's close.
and, as if on cue, a quick look at facebook made pictures of coffee turn up through another friend's photos. and, in fighting my nature, i didn't blow them up and look closer.
maybe i am changing...
and what is seemingly the first day of fall. it feels like the first day of fall. suddenly, brought in by a midday shower and some blustery winds.
fittingly, i accidentally listened to some of my first-day-of-fall music when i played my 'happy for sad' mix on the way home from work, biking.
i don't know why i picked it, but what played while i rode against the wind, nose running and all, were the coffee songs of that magical fall. the songs i used to break out every fall.
this year is different.
even though last year was the first in a decade that i didn't drag out all of my old journals to read through them in order, this will be the second year i abstain.
i'm sometimes tempted to pull out the journal i started in the fall when i knew i wanted to leave ever. the one i hid and slept on top of when i was still with him. and the ones that followed, synced to this blog, ever since.
but, like the others, i don't really see the point in that. i'm sure i've forgotten a lot, and that is probably for the best.
so far, my brain is definitely quiet. it's incredible, really.
there is no panic wake up on a daily basis. there is no panic wind down time at the end of the night.
i'm having a hard time sleeping, but it's not from a racing brain. i'm simply not sleepy.
and night before last, i bragged to kit that the 4 am wake ups were over, and sure enough, the following morning, i had one. but it wasn't waking up and staying awake from worrying. it was just waking up suddenly from a sound outside, and not being able to fall back asleep for well over an hour, because my body thought it was time to be upright.
i was too afraid to take an ativan and sleep through my 6 am alarm, so i just tossed an turned for most of the two hours until it was time to go to work. i only know i slept because i woke up from a really nice dream with a start when my alarm went off.
it's not that my brain doesn't wander, or get lost within itself. it's not that i'm not still thinking about what i've lost, or how sad i've been. it's not that i'm not thinking about work and the house and finances.
it's that i'm not worrying about all of it. not simultaneously. and definitely not to the point where i'm sick inside.
i still have moments. yesterday was full of them. i blame it on suck store. everything about working there makes me think of him. all those hours and days and weeks spent writing him and thinking about how happy i was. reading excitedly everything he wrote back to me while i was bored there, in an effort to keep me entertained, like it was his job. and the drive. i thought that being away from there for a couple weeks would help get that shit out of my head, but the truth is, it just doesn't.
and some people i hadn't seen in months asked me how it was going with him. luckily, i'm medicated, or i'd likely have burst into tears. but instead, i kept it simple: 'he dumped me. i'll never understand it, but he did.'
i've been so much better. last weekend, i was looking forward to the time away from work. i've been working 10 and 11 hour days for a week now, and have worn myself completely out.
it's intentional. the busier i am, and the more i work, the less time i have to waste and be sad and think about where i am in life. it's how i got through the end of ever. i'm doing it again.
because it works.
it feels good to be doing well at work, it's rewarding. and besides hating the alarm when it goes off, i'm into it. it makes me feel like i deserve the weekends.
i woke up last saturday and went for a bike ride. a nice long ride on the path along the river. and it was so rewarding. to be out of bed and content to be alone with myself and my head. i was loaded down with freshly downloaded albums to listen to and fall for. and to push myself out of my comfort zone, which is the place where i do nothing public alone. and i didn't get all heady and ruin a good time, which was the best part of all.
i'm glad i cut back on drinking, because the other way i got through that initial time alone post-ever was to go to the bar alone. and i'm just not there yet, and it's okay with me that i'll probably never be. those nights made me feel more alone and awkward than most others. i'm all good with that. i'm plenty awkward and lonely without adding that nonsense to the mix.
most of the reason why i'm awake at night stems from longing for someone to hold me. i've caught myself smiling, thinking about the nights most recently when i wasn't alone.
i cannot believe that i've not had sex for over three months now.
i'm so grateful for a total lack of a sex drive, because it's keeping me from trolling dating site for the next boy to attempt to add to my roster, which is back to zero.
what's funny is that i've actually thought of hitting up matthew. because it was mostly fun. but i think he wouldn't accept or acknowledge my advances, so it's kept me from doing anything stupid. today is thursday, and when i feel lonely like this, i'm reminded that that was our date night, and that i spent several thursdays un-alone when i was sleeping with him.
joey floats around sometimes, too. just because of work. he'll never buy another cup of coffee from me, and i'm okay with that. but i still want to punch him in the arm and call him a bonehead and tell him if he ever wants to do that again, i'm game.
why is it so important to me to define myself by the guy that i'm hanging out with? or not hanging out with, in this case. why do i always want a boy shaped distraction from my boy shaped distractions?
i got so accustomed to sleeping alone, and then when i wasn't, it made me want it all the time. not in general. in a very specific person type of a way.
i am having an impossible time shaking the thought that nothing felt as good as being with greg. physically, while i was sleeping, but more so when we weren't sleeping. waking up next to him. everything felt so good and so right, like it could go on forever, and i'd never get sick or bored of it.
but here i am, all these months after, still wishing he'd turn up and apologize and say that it's not the same without me.
and it's never going to happen.
the sooner i realize that, the better off i'll be.
and i do feel like i'm in a rush to find the next boy like him. who makes me feel those things. it felt so great. until it didn't. and all i want is to not waste those feelings and moments and connections with someone who didn't even appreciate it.
especially tonight, because it's cold. and nothing would make me happier than to have that boy warming me up under the covers. or sit with legs touching on the deck in the sunset.
i'll get over it. before the drugs, i didn't think i would. it's nice to have hope that i'll get over this. but that day isn't today, and it hasn't happened yet. but i'll be okay, and i'm not crying over it anymore, so that's good, too. the last time that happened was about a week ago, in the throes of hormonal shittiness. i blame it squarely on my period showing up the next day. nothing more, nothing less.
i'm taking my quiet brain to bed. i'm hoping for at least a dream where i don't feel so lonely and cold.
fall has arrived in the northeast. my summer mix isn't even finished yet, but it's close.
and, as if on cue, a quick look at facebook made pictures of coffee turn up through another friend's photos. and, in fighting my nature, i didn't blow them up and look closer.
maybe i am changing...
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