it was a strange day. i woke up stressed, went to work. had a little too much fun (manic), like i should have been in a worse mood the day after the valentine's day i spent discussing the dissolution of my marriage.
but it was a good day at work. kit came to get me at lunch, to listen to me talk about it for a long time.
it was strange to say it all out loud. after writing it, it was effectively out in the open. but saying things out loud was pretty surreal.
and i didn't cry. i didn't even want to cry.
but i was telling her about the conversation, and the way that he acted after. and i was confused by the confusion he was feeling i guess.
because we called it.
and then getting into bed and all of that. and then last night i made dinner and we watched the shows we always watch and slept in the same bed, like nothing had even happened. life as usual.
so today i was trying to figure out if i'd undone something i'd said, or if he'd misinterpreted something to be not so final.
and when i came home, people were over, so it was life as normal then, too.
and then they all left. and he went to get dinner.
i talked to my friend rob on the phone for about 40 minutes, because his life is worse than mine right now, and i know he doesn't have anyone to talk to. so i just listened. and that felt like the best thing i could do.
i'd actually gone to the business he owns to say hi, but he wasn't there. so i'd called him and left him a note there. he was asleep at home, and called me back when he woke up. hence the conversation.
anyways, ever came home with dinner and i ate while i talked to rob.
he got into bed. he knows rob, he knows he is my friend. it's irrelevant, but worth mentioning.
anyways, he asked how rob was doing, and i told him briefly about the things in his life. he was laying in bed in the dark.
he said that he thought we were going to eat together. his food wasn't in the office, where i ate, so i didn't think he got food for himself, and ate without him.
but he did have food, and got into bed to pout about it.
so he said, 'well, i guess you and rob can talk all about your spousal issues.'
little digs are what i have to look forward to as long as i'm in this house. and even for a long time after.
so i layed upside down in bed to talk to him.
he asked what i wanted to talk about, and i said that i didn't have anything to say, specifically.
and asked him what he'd like to talk about.
i don't remember how it started, but he just said that he's sad and confused. and that he doesn't know what to do now. is he supposed to sleep in the bed or on the couch? are we friends with benefits or not?
i know it sounds crazy, but i don't want to not sleep next to him.
i know it's going to be a cold cold bed for a long long time, and honestly, i'm going to miss having a warm body next to me. so i figure i should enjoy it while he lasts.
i told him that i know that he feels like he is losing everything, but that really, he's keeping everything except for me. the house, the dog, everything. and that i am losing everything.
and i told him that i'm afraid that our friends are going to hate me. which he tried to quell.
we continued the conversation upstairs, smoking cigarettes.
he just said that our friends are good people, and that they're going to understand. i told him that i'm afraid it will be like curb, when larry and cheryl split up, and their friends all had to pick sides.
and i just don't want that.
i said that if i thought that my leaving would dismantle his company, that i wouldn't go. and that if i thought that he wouldn't be okay, that i wouldn't go.
that i'm in no rush to leave, because there's a lot to set up before i can go.
and i said that i know it is going to be okay. i'm okay, he's okay.
and he said, it's never okay when a woman leaves her husband. but that he will be okay, in that he will survive.
but that he's sad and confused. that he has a lot of questions, and that he doesn't know what to do either.
that he feels rejected.
and i told him that i'm sorry for my responsibility in the way that he is feeling, but that if it had meant enough to him, he would have done more to try to save it.
i told him that i don't know anything about divorce, and that i've never seen anyone go through it.
kit offered to put me in touch with one of her lawyer friends for the divorce when we were talking today.
and i told her. it just doesn't sound like something i need. i don't need a lawyer.
but i know that i do. i just don't want to need one.
the house is really the only technicality. and getting money back from him, someday, if he's in the position to pay it back.
really, i'd like the money to pay my parents back all that they gave us.
they're going to be fucking PISSED at me. for ending my marriage, but for wasting their money and having no way to pay it back. they'd give more if i needed it. but to think that they gave us all this money for the house, and worked tirelessly on the house all this time? they will be devastated.
and i'd only ever get it back if he sold it when i'm gone.
other than that, i intend to pay down the debt that is in my name. it's going to be about ten grand when all is said and done.
and i'd like that back, too, someday.
but other than money and the house, i just feel like i don't need a lawyer. i mean, i know that we have to file legal documents. but a lawyer? ugh.
he asked me if i was leaving the city we live in. i told him that i can't really. that i'd never go home, unless it was to go back to school. but that the only way for me to work towards my dream was to keep working.
and another thing that i thought about today. it came up with kit and i hadn't thought too much about it.
i guess that when people get divorced, they drop their married last name.
but everyone i've known and met, in the last seven years i've lived in this new city, only know me by my married name.
and i'm afraid of losing my identity.
i know that sounds crazy.
because most people can't wait to erase the part of them that they regretted enough to divorce.
but me? i don't mind it. it's been my last name for so long now.
and i don't know that i want to revert to my maiden name.
and it struck me as so funny when kit said it, but she's right.
she said: 'don't you think he'd want it back?'
it makes me laugh now, too.
it sounds silly. but i don't know. i'm sure he'd want it back. but i'm not in a rush to give it back to him.
it's been a strange day.
to say the least.
and i do feel pretty alone.
but in a way, i know that i am supported. i'm dreading telling my parents, who already know, but don't know it from me, in so many words.
i asked kit at what point i take off my wedding band and engagement ring.
it's like, we've decided not to stay married. and i don't want either of them. it was his mother's diamond, given to her by his father. and he bought both bands.
but at what time do i ditch them?
i agreed when she said that it should be the last thing i do when i am finally leaving.
you know, he said something else.
he said that he is confused because he doesn't know if he should just embrace me and try to enjoy every last minute he has with me, or if he should just be completely apart from me.
and i get that.
he also said that he's mostly hurt now, but that he knows he's going to get angrier and that it will become increasingly harder as time goes on to look at me.
and that he doesn't even want to think about me 'being with' someone else.
i told him to shut up. because i don't want to think about that either.
it's funny. a while ago, i was lamenting to nina about my shitty sex life. i said 'i'm just not like that. i don't 'fuck'. and i don't even wanna think about the next guy i'm going to fuck, because i can't even imagine feeling that way.' and her response was, ' i LOVE the next guy you're gonna fuck.'
the point was, she just wants me to be happy and my needs well tended to. and maybe when i start over again, i will feel like fucking for the sake of fucking.
and even if i can't think about that yet, and even if i think i'm content to never have sex again, it's something to think about later on.
i just wonder who i will be. who i will become as a result of this.
will i be the same old person i've always been? making the same mistakes i've always made in my life? that i repeat and regret ad nauseum? or will i be the person i know that i should be, and that i would have chosen to be if i hadn't deluded myself. if i hadn't settled.
because sex has nothing to do with it. not for me.
and all i know is that i gave up on someone a long time ago. and i don't know if it was premature, or if it had to be that way. and i never even wanted to sleep with him. as much as i pine for him, it's always been about making out and a shared existence with him. just curling up to him. every single day.
but nothing more than that.
and another thing i know is that kit's boy gave up his ticket to the event so that i could go. on the off chance that coffee will be there. to see. and now i don't have to ask, because it's done and the ticket is paid for.
and all i want is one drink with him.
one drink after a day of several.
to say, 'you know what? when i saw you last, i was home getting my parent's blessing. for my divorce. and it was all because i settled. i settled because i couldn't find someone like you.'
and as per the usual, if that happened, i would have said too much.
but all i want is the chance to say too much.
or to chicken out and not say anything at all, because that is my m.o. that is what i always do.
i hate that he is so tangled up in my mind with my current situation.
he wouldn't have figured in to this extent if i hadn't gone home in december. if he hadn't shown up. and if he hadn't made me feel the way that i thought i couldn't feel for anyone ever again, anymore.
that feeling is the reason why i'm leaving. the ability to feel that for someone is what gives me hope for my future.
i did cry tonight. which is good. but, honestly, part of it was because i felt like i should be crying. part of it was real. but once i was crying, it wasn't hard to keep it going.
like, i wanted him to think that it hurts me as much as it hurts him.
but the truth is, it doesn't. and it won't.
it's going to suck. this is know. but it's not going to be as sad for me as it is for him.
i just hope i can forgive myself. and that, eventually, i can move past it.
and let myself be happy again.
to not define myself in terms of someone else.
to not be ever's wife.
to not be fill-in-the-blank's girlfriend.
to just be MYSELF. and to comfortable enough to let myself be.
and as tempted as i am to try to line up a roommate to live with, to offset the loneliness that is going to follow, i just want to be alone.
i just want to be ALONE.