letter to and from a nina

"And I keep thinking of you and little snippets of what you wrote come
back to me. Even tho it happened on V day, *he* did it, not you, which
is good. And more and more and more thoughts, but now I work, and now
you're at work.

I love you tea. This is the right thing. I'm so proud of you, and
maybe it's the sleepy hitting my body, but I'm weepy for you. I'm so
excited to see the happy girl on the other side of this. And I'm going
to love spending time with the confused girl until she gets here.
You're the best."

this just totally is making me cry right now.

this is the nicest thing someone has said to me in a while.

i just got home from work, and there was more talking between us, here.

and it sucks.

because he's still trying to think of ways to fix it.

he knows. and he understands.

but he is stuck in this place. cpr on the dead body.

IT HURTS. IT SUCKS. it makes me feel like an asshole.

he asked me if there was somebody else.

obviously, there isn't (immediately/physically), but knowing that i'm not in
love with him is what makes it irreparable for him.

and everything other than that is what makes it irreparable for me.

fucking weird, huh?

my phone turned off after the text i sent you, so i don't know if i
missed anything else today.

but i'm so tired.

i've been weepy all day, too.

i feel so out of control. like watching a movie of my life or an
accident happen.

i am afraid i'm going to be making the same mistakes for the rest of
my life. because i have never been able to change.

and i'm glad i have a therapist to keep me on track, in case i try to do this to myself again, repeatedly.

i just have this thing: that i have to tell my parents in person.

and i'm in no rush.

but at the same time, it feels like i'm going to implode if i don't tell them soon. it doesn't feel fair to leave them in the dark.

i hope my sister doesn't spill. bc she pretty much knows.

i just get completely overwhelmed at the size of it. and in a way i
wish we hated each other the way b/m did in the end. bc it
made it so much easier for her. as hard as it was, it was a little bit
easier because she hated him so so much.

and this is just so muddled.

and confusing.

and i shut down when i get overwhelmed.

and i feel myself shutting down.


i am going to need sleep tonite. but i'm afraid i'm not going to be able to.

i did buy shocktop on my way home from the office, so i have that.

but i have work early in the am also.

i hope you're able to buckle down and take care of your work.

one more day.

and for me, one day at a time.

thanks for saying the right thing. i think that is nearly an
impossible feat at a time like this.

i remember when we were dating, and you said something about it being
different when it's just the two of you. i think it was a ben folds
reference, but memory is failing me now.

it has always been that way.

and no one else can understand what i'm going through, i feel. because
no one else has ever been in my exact situation.

i just fell out of love, and that wasn't enough to push me out the
door. it just made me really sad. for a really long time.

and i just keep thinking: life is too short. we only get one life. and i
have to make the most out of it.

and i wish that it felt better to do what i have to do to to make that happen.



and the worst part of my day? ever telling me that he is afraid to lose another dad.


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