vaka. feb 18th.

today when i came home from work, he asked me if i'd come to my senses yet.

and i didn't even answer.

our dog walked over to where i was sitting in a chair, across the room from him. she put her head on my knee, and just stared up at me with the saddest eyes for at least a full minute.

he said, 'did you tell her?' to her, referring to me.

and i just looked at her. it broke my heart, because she was telling me. i don't know what he's been telling her, but she was looking at me. and if dogs could cry, i bet she would have.

i said that he can't just guilt me into staying, and that if he doesn't have something helpful to say, not to say anything. because he asked me if i was in love with him again yet. i said that i would no longer be entertaining his questions unless they were valid and aimed at getting straight answers out of me.

there was no point to that question. he already knows the answer, and i feel like he's just making fun of my feelings by asking it.

i went downstairs after that, took care of some work, and hung around. he came in for dinner, and said that he wanted to talk.

he asked if i had anything to say, i said no.

i don't remember how it started, besides him saying that he was starting to get angry with me. and that he told two people today, and that two people is the threshold for what he can handle. that he can't hide his sadness and that he just finds it necessary to tell.

i started crying, telling him that i don't even want to see the people he has told again, because i'm afraid he's just telling them that i don't love him and that i'm leaving him.

that i'm afraid of what they all think of me, or will. and that i don't want to face them.

he said that he feels like i'm trying to make myself the victim now, and that it's making him angry.

i pointed out that by saying that he was the victim, it essentially means that he thinks that he did nothing wrong to end up here.

and he said that is how he feels.

i was PISSED. i laughed at first, but started to cry.

i was pretty much yelling at him, while thinking that this is exactly what i'm trying to avoid. because i felt myself saying hurtful things because i was so enraged that he feels he did nothing to deserve this.

so i launched into a fit about working so hard for so long, that i was starting to feel taken advantage of. that there was nothing in it for me anymore. wrung out, tapped out, exhausted.

he said something about not knowing how much money he's really making because he didn't know where the money went, just how much was coming in. and i asked where i write down the money that goes out. and he said in the check book. and he looked at it, laying on the desk.

these are exactly the things that make me insane. all of the 'you never told me' and 'how was i supposed to know that' sentences.

i said, you know how to read, and you know the answers to these questions. why should i have to take care of everything? i told him that he's going to start caring a hell of a lot more where his money goes when it's his money he's spending.

he is about to realize the difference that four degrees on the thermostat makes during winter. the difference that leaving the lights and radio on makes. the difference that it makes when he uses the atm that charges fees and that our bank charges us for. because it's going to start to add up to him. and because i'ts been my money for so long, he has no care about any of it. i warned him that he is about to start caring.

we talked for so long, thinking about writing it all out now makes me want to cry and go to sleep. only i can't sleep.

but i just told him that he can say that he did nothing wrong, but the truth is that he just did nothing. nothing to help us out financially, nothing to try to make me feel like his wife, like something more than his business partner.

it was awful. i was crying so hard i could barely talk. we went upstairs to smoke and talk. and it was a very hard four cigarette conversation. it made me feel awful, but in the end, it made me feel lighter. i'm smoking half a pack a day right now. it's horrible.

he said that he thinks, at least once a day, that when i come back from my trip home where i tell my parents, that i'm going to come back and say that i love him and that i made a huge mistake and that i'm not leaving.

and none of it makes any sense to me, because what he keeps saying is that nothing we talk about changes the fact that i'm not in love with him. and that i shouldn't be married to anyone i'm not in love with.

he told me that i was lying when we made our vows and that he wanted to dig them out today, just to show me what we promised each other. it was a dick move, but i'd been thinking about the vows we wrote for each other when i was at work today. listening to etta james just about killed me.

more than anything, we talked about money. and my feeling that the only way to get any stability is to leave him, to separate. i said that i don't say divorce because it's so harsh and final. and that i just say separating, because that is how i feel about it.

i said that i wish he wasn't telling the people he's choosing to tell that i'm leaving him because i'm not in love with him anymore.

because that places all of the blame entirely on me. and makes me feel like they're going to think i'm as selfish as i feel.

he asked what i wanted him to say. and i don't really know.

that i can't keep going on this way, and that i need to separate from him and his business. that he's not willing to change his ways to make our lives easier. because he loves to brag about doing things the hard way. and i just want things to be easier for a change.

i don't know. it's all irrelevant anyways. i was talking to my sister today, and she quoted my own words back to me.

she said, 'all that matters is that you are happy. it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. and mom and dad are going to be more supportive than you think they are. because all they want is for you to be happy.'

why is it always so much easier to tell people things like that than it is to hear them?

i love my sister to death.

and what is it in me that makes me believe that i can only truly be happy if i'm not with him? it is the being in love thing.

but that's really at the bottom of a huge pile of other things.

he's angry because he feels like we just had a really shitty year, and that we're starting to come out of it now. and that i'm bailing at the turning point. which is true, as far as his business. or it seems to be. this week. but what about next week? what about tomorrow?

i just cannot continue to live my life waiting for tomorrow. waiting for next year. waiting for five years from now.

whether it's having a kid or having my own shop, it's five years of hard work away. i figure (optimistically) that i can pay off the debt in one year, and save up enough money in the following four to have a years' salary in that time.

and choose whether i want a kid or a shop. because i cannot imagine being able to have both.

and the thing i keep telling myself is, i can have both. i can have it all. it just takes finding someone who wants me to have it so badly, that they are willing to help further my cause. not work against me.

i told him today that i'm not only no closer to being stable now than i was seven years ago, but that i'm further from it.

to be more than someone who works really hard, but doesn't get paid to do it. and who is too stubborn and proud to man up and do what it takes to make ends meet.

i hate that i'm at a loss for words when i am answering his questions, and responding to things he is talking about. and that i cry so much. because it makes me feel like i look weak. like i can be convinced otherwise. duped into the same shit i've been duped into doing for the last seven years.

because when i'm sitting across from him, i can't even look him in the eye. because i already feel so much pain that it just hurts. and seeing him just makes it worse.

i know that i will feel better soon.

because i do believe that i'm doing the best thing for me.

i just hope it is the right thing.

kit asked me last night what my worst case scenario is, when i leave and all is said and done. so that no matter how bad shit feels throughout this phase of my life, i can always say 'well, at least it's not that bad.'

and i didn't know. i couldn't say. i've been thinking about it for more than twenty four hours now.

i think there are a few things.

one is that i do this. i fucking leave. and in five years, i'm no closer than i am now. and then i realize that it's just me. and that it will always be me. that he was right. that it was my fault, not his.

or that i leave and am alone. and i realize that i made a huge irreparable mistake.

because i love my husband. for what little time i have left that i can even call him that.

it hurts me to hurt someone so deeply. i am the healer. i'm here because i wanted to help him.

but he should have thought about that when he was refusing to change.

and i should have thought about that before i married him.

that first day, monday, after we decided on valentine's sunday. i was so angry. i just wanted to tell EVERYONE. it's over it's over it's over.

and then the next day, or maybe even later that day, the emotion started to set in.

and now i don't want to tell anyone.

i'm embarrassed. i failed at something so simple. i failed at loving someone enough to put my selfish desires aside and to just be with him.

for better, for worse.

for richer, for poorer.

like we said, in front of exactly one hundred people, in the rain, seven years ago.

everything waxes and wanes. love, being in love, for me. but the worse and the poorer have just lasted too long to see the potential for the rise back up to better and richer.

he wants me to stay. to change my mind. he is fighting for me in the laziest way possible, with words. with guilt.

and i wish i could change my mind. undo it all. undo the feelings that made me decide this in the first place.

but the truth is, i'd just be right back here in one year, three years, five years.

because he will never change. and because he is too selfish to see how selfless i've been this entire time. and admit that as much as i want to leave, that he put me in the car and drove me here.

and why is it that i want to feel 'right'? like, i want him to say, 'you're right!' at every point.

is this just a plight to be right, in the long run?

i hope not.

i hope i'm not kidding myself. i hope that i can truly be happy. and that i'm not eliminating the only person who could ever love me this much from my life. getting divorced. throwing it all away.

he keeps saying he'd do anything for me. but that is so much easier said than done.

and if only i could keep believing him, that he really means it this time.

the thing that sticks out to me now is that it shouldn't take the word divorce to make him try harder..

and i am just done.

1 comment:

  1. He's never, ever, EVER going to change. He's always going to be the same person he is now; he will die like that. He won't care about the bills or the radio or the lights on, BUT YOU MUST UNDERSTAND that this isn't your problem anymore, it is his. He's a freaking grown up man who refuses to man up and you can't possibly let this continue on.

    He's truly being a dick, if you care and love someone, then you don't bully them and make them feel guilty and he's getting to you. He sure is smart about that! See it for what it is, he's comfortable with you taking care of everything and he wants that to remain always. That's being selfish to the extreme not "oh I love you stay" he loves not having to lift a finger.
    You can't let him psychologically beat you into submission and staying by making you feel guilty. He clearly doesn't see any error on anything he's done or how he's behaved and that, more than anything else, is your red flag that you are in fact, doing the right thing and need to get out as soon as you can possibly can, because he's only going to get worse and harrass you every minute of every moment you two are under that roof, until you change your mind....or drive you crazy and you end up at the crazy-ward.

    I know you can't help but feel bad and guilty and you do honestly want to leave him with some sort of stability but that, sadly, isn't going to happen exactly, and if you keep waiting to get there, then you might as well stay because it isn't going to happen. he's not going to let it be so.

    Don't let him bully you. Stop crying, stop feeling bad/sorry for him and even for yourself. You're done, get out and call it what it is, just say it and repeat it until it becomes your save word: divorce. 'Cause that equal freedom, equals rediscovering yourself. Forget what the future hold, we can't never know that, this is your present and your present needs this change or your very soul is going to die in that house.

    always with love and support.

    Lain Coubert