and back again.

traveling back feels a little anticlimactic.

i got nothing other than love from my friend and family.

more frustration with ever than i had expected.

i hate that they don't have the love i thought they'd have for him. but i guess the fact that their daughter is going through this due to his inadequacies is too upsetting to them right now.

i hate to say it, but he kinda called it. not the part about retail therapy. not the part about hate. but he was right about them not really worrying about him. and about them not calling him.


i also return without a chance to rewrite my own personal history with coffee. but what can you do when you only have two hours and no guts to try to make something happen?

it's too soon anyways.

i think that by this summer when i come back, just over three months from now, that it will feel quite different. that i will not be in the same place that i am right now.

that i will be so much further along in this process.

i need to try to figure out my finances. that will be huge.

i need to change everything that is in my name into his, and everything that is in both of our names into just mine or his.

i have a lot of work to do.

i know that.

i have to find a lawyer. i have to talk to my therapist tomorrow.

i have to try to fill out all this paperwork without a lawyer, so that only the house is handled by that person.

i have to get a new bank account and switch my direct deposit into it.

i have to change my name, i think.

i don't want to be what i was before, but i also think that by the end of this process over the next six or so months that i will not want to have his name anymore.

i was so afraid of it for so long. but now, i'm actually not afraid at all.

and the last name thing will kindof signify that i'm returning to who i was. only the better version of that girl.

the smarter, more determined, more independent version.

i barely made it into the car before i told them. because my mom asked 'how's tea?' as i shut the car door and i just blurted out that i am so sorry for this visit, that it's the hardest trip home i've had to make (when my sister had her brain surgery was actually the hardest, but i only realized that just now). that it is over and that i'm so sorry and that i feel like a disappointment. that they were the best example, along with my mother's parents. and that i just couldn't follow suit.

they hated that i was afraid, that i didn't tell them, and that i felt that way. they were pretty much instantly angry.

the first thing my dad said was that he wasn't shocked, or surprised. that they knew it was coming. that they were shocked when i came home in december, but that after that trip, they knew it was over.

they were really just surprised that i had moved out of the house, because they both just felt like i should be the one in it. they don't understand that i don't want that huge house to myself. and that i don't want roommates in it.

i hope that he isn't combative about selling the house. because i now know that it's the only way.

really, i feel entitled to more than i'm taking. because i feel like only giving him maybe $10k to get started. but because of all the work he did on the house, and probably will have to continue to do, i am willing to split the difference.

we should each have at least $20k once it is all said and done.

i just hope he doesn't fucking flip out.

really my family did surprise me. my grandparents (mom's) came out with a couple different comments that he'd made in the beginning of our marriage, that they'd tucked away for later use. basically deciding at that point that he just wasn't ever going to be any kind of a provider for me. because he told them that i'd provide for him. and that his mom had said something about me taking care of her ever.

so there. they knew years ago.

and my dad being my dad... he always quizzed me, and only occasionally us, about his contribution to our finances.

and i did always dodge it. because it was a labour of love.

i believed so much in him, and always just thought that he would come around. that it would make enough money to give me a break eventually.

but i just got tired of waiting.

and that is a pattern.

i'm only now aware that i can always do something to make that happen. and speak up for myself! and that i have always had the power to make something happen. i just didn't do it.

so whatever it is that i decide i want. whether that be trying to pin coffee down and make him squirm for once. ask the hard questions. and get my answers.

and to find the boy that i want to be with. have a kid with. work with. and share everything with.

a best friend of the marriage variety.

and even though it will be so long from now, i just have to believe that i will find it and have it.

because this was only kidding.

it's funny.

mom thought it would be smart to have me watch bride wars. which was cute. i think if i could be anyone, it would be anne hathaway. and i like kate hudson, but not in that movie.

anyways, you start to realize into the movie that one of the marriages isn't what it should be. and i so related to that. because i knew. i knew but didn't have the courage to undo it before it happened.

and i so wish that i had in a way.

but know that my life wouldn't be what it is now if i had undone that. and i wouldn't give up the friends i have now.

i just wish it didn't have to come to this. to end this way.

but it did. and it had to happen now. i had to find my balls and leave.

and now i can go back to square one.

i cannot believe how calm i am. i did have a beer. but i just really didn't cry at all when i said goodbye. i think because i know the point i want to get to. that i want to rush this shitty part and get to the part where i'm happier and where this is BEHIND ME. in my past.

and i want it to be over with. and the only way to get there is to just get back and start knocking shit out. like as in, tomorrow and the day after.

in any case...

mimi was AWESOME. i love her so much. she is my favorite aunt, always had been. she was the coolest mom in my eyes, growing up. i always wanted her to be my mom.

and now, she is just the coolest lady i know. and she's so funny and together and i love that she came to see me everyday that i was home. telling me things that i can expect to go through. telling me that there will be ups and downs. that she remembered feeling the way that i feel now, things i've feared coming here and all.

she has just always been the rock. and for my sister especially, she has asked her all the questions she'd never ask mom and dad. the fact that she's a nurse helps. medical knowlege and sex questions.

i never really used her for that. but i just always knew that her life at my age was probably similar to my life at that age, and i loved her for that. for being an experimenter recreationally, and for knowing what to fear and what not to fear. she's one of those 'don't sweat the small stuff' people.

in any case, she's the best. and she really helped me.

nina came up for the day yesterday. she had to arrange for so many things with her two kids to be able to do it, and she'll never know how much it meant to me for her to do that.

i wish in a way that we could've had time alone, but this trip was too short for that. that will happen this summer.

hopefully with kit in tow. i'm gonna work on her until she caves in and comes to hang with us.

nina's just always been there. and she knows me better than anyone else i've ever known. through and through.

when she walked up to me when she first came over, she just hugged me for so long and i fought tears. even though she's known for longer than anyone else that i was headed toward divorce. it felt so good to have her there.

and same for my sister. she came for the day also, and i would've loved to have had more time alone with her. but we had an intense pillow talk conversation last night that was really pretty great. i was grateful for that.

the two of them just make me feel like they really want me to be happy, and i know that both of them would do anything i asked to make that happen. and even things i don't ask. to try to instigate things to happen. and though here, i'm specifically referring to one coffee, i know that it would be the same answer even if it were someone or something else that i wanted.

it was a desperate measure. and i'm kindof ashamed. and really disappointed.

we went to the bar where he took me that night.

after nina sent him a message asking him where to find the finest beer on a tuesday, to which he didn't respond.

and of course i was there with nina and my sister. and of course all night i watched the door and the bar from above. waiting and waiting for him to pop in.

but what if he had? i mean, really? i don't even know. and i know that is why it didn't happen. cosmically speaking, it will happen when i am able to act on it.

i just can't shake this desire to push him quite literally into a corner and ask him why why why?

and then demand that he take me away and talk to me until the sun comes up.

i wonder if this will take on that pam and jim thing. where the timing is never right. like somehow finding out that i'm married pushed him to want to be, and that now that i'm not going to be anymore, he'd be the severest form of taken.

and what difference does any of it really make? he'd never come to be with me. and i don't know that i could ever go back home. though i'm also willing to admit that he'd be the only thing that could ever get me back there.

therapy. oh, i cannot wait.

wish i could have a two hour session, in a way.

i cannot wait to get everything out. and to chock up to coffee. and to see what she thinks of it.

boarding the plane very soon. empty flight. hopefully that means that i'll have a row to myself. and can down a couple beers before i land.

hells yeah. beer. makes everything easier and better.

kit is saving my ass, coming to pick me up from the airport.

i can't wait to see her. she had a shit time while i was away.

and it will be good to try to be there for her now, because she needs a friend.

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