and another day means another way to feel, i guess.
yesterday was the festival. which was awesome. and i do wish that i hadn't been looking for coffee there, because it makes me feel like a special person. as in, short bus.
and i was honestly incredibly glad that he wasn't there.
because it would have only made my heart flutter.
and i do not want my heart to flutter. panic attacks are the closest thing i'll allow myself to that.
i had such a good time with kit, from the time that we got on the train to go, then off the train through a sea of scalpers to a line for the shuttle buses.
and when two old yellow-orange school buses rolled up to fetch us all, we could not stop laughing. i was singing this silly song all morning, 'beeeeer beer-beer, beeeer beer-beer' and cracking myself up.
and then there were the school buses to take a bunch of would-be drunks to the beer festival.
it was awesome.
i could not escape the thought of how tiny the seats were, and how big i felt on the bus. about how the scale of things changes as you grow. i write about it alot, and this was just another example. how badass i used to feel on the bus, trying to sit as close to the 'cool kids' in the back of the bus without getting cast out, sorta standing, with my weight on one knee and my arm draped between the back of the seat in front of me and the one behind me. when i was small.
kit reminded me of the coveted seat over the wheel well. i'd forgotten about that one. and getting airborne over big bumps in the road. speed bumps in the drop off lane upon arrival.
and yesterday, standing in the aisle, bouncing over bumps in the road.
and we got to the line as it was starting. which at first seemed like a bummer, but about two hours in, i think we were glad, and we left before it was over to avoid further inebriation.
so many things to try. and the only thing i couldn't drink was barleywine. everything else was really good. i did stick to lagers and ales and belgian whites/doubles/trippels. it was fantastic.
everyone was so festive and friendly and HAPPY. to be surrounded by maybe a thousand ?? people who were all smiling, and drinking, and happy. in their element. it was great.
every so often someone would raise a glass and yell 'oooohhhhhh', and the whole hall would fill with a resounding echo of the call and several hundred glasses were in the air. it was awesome.
i didn't see anyone i knew. one lady who looked like a customer from work, but that was it.
and we drank. and ate. and drank more. and ate more. chose a favorite, had seconds.
and then it was over. and we were heading out to the drunken school buses.
and the ride back was almost as priceless as the way there, only it was better.
i knew there would be drunken singing, i called it on the way there. and there was.
someone started singing tiny dancer but lost the words a couple lines in. then someone started the wheels on the bus, and it stuck in a big way.
they did the wheels, they did the mama, they did the baby, and when they sang the wipers, the bus driver turned on the wipers.
it was incredible. so funny. so fun.
and then kit got a piece of bad news on the way home from there, and we both sobered up a little. and went to her place and sat in silence doing things online.
and then got the bug to shop.
i spent way too much money yesterday. waaaay too much.
but i wasn't being frivelous. i lost almost everything when i left, so i had to replace some things.
word to the wise: if you need a tv, they have completely stopped making anything other than flat panels now.
it blew my mind completely! there was one old school tv at walmart (i know - i suck - i felt my iq drop like 8098436 points when i walked through the parking lot), and it cost just as much as the cheapest flat panel they had. unbelievable. so we went to best buy and got the super deluxe version...
to have a tv you can see, you have to drop at least $300, which is what i ended up doing, to not take ever's tv from him, and to watch the things i love and to play the wii.
and i'm glad, because it will be so super easy to move in two months. and hopefully i'll have it forever.
so the wii is hooked up. i spent $40 on a dvd player. forgot the vcr at the house. which i'm so sure is also soon to be obsolete. but i have a few vhs movies that i don't want to live without, so i'll have to get that soon.
we were up late, playing scrabble and such. it was fun.
and then i slept. and dreamt of coffee again. two nights in a row.
my dream last night was so sweet. i walked past him in a big room with tables and chairs and he was talking to this older woman. and when i walked past he got up and grabbed my arm. told the lady he wanted to talk to me. the lady got up and left, i had realized this was his therapist, that she was counseling him through something rough, and that i had inadvertently interrupted.
and he was just telling me he wanted to talk to me and i told him i wanted to talk to him, too. rubbed his back through a sweater, and we comforted each other. and just talked.
that's all i remember. i couldn't will myself back to sleep. no matter how hard i tried to get further in with him.
and how am i so completely fucking INSANE that all i want right now is to sit across from him and tell him all the ways that my life went so wrong, and how all i want is to get it back to the point where we were friends who spent a lot of time together, and how i let my life become something i couldn't even recognize as my own anymore. and that i'm taking it back. i'm taking it all back. goonies style.
i'm sad. but more than sad, i'm angry.
and why is it that i feel like a hug from him would fix things? because i am a repeater. because all i want is to drop the line about lake highland, and have him come stare at stars with me.
ever is consistently accusing me of leaving him for someone else. and while that is very incredibly far from the truth, it is true that this boy stole my heart so long ago, and that it feels like only he could fix it. i want to find his doppleganger in a year from now and start over with him.
i really want him. but the logistics are retarded, and i know it could never be. despite the fact that nina is in the back of my head repeating, 'maybe he was waiting for you', and him in the back of my head repeating 'i only write love letters'. because i wish that he was waiting for me. is. that he felt one inkling of what i felt for him. and that those letters were written to me. like the sizable stack of journals i have dedicated to energy wasted on him. and the pile of poetry i have written about him.
he never did. he never will.
but what i wouldn't give for one more chance.
just one more chance.
to start over. to start again. better yet, the time machine to go back in time. but because that also will never happen, just one more chance.
i had been dreaming of that chance for the past few months. and i didn't get it yesterday. and i also probably won't get it in the next three days. and two nights.
i cannot stop thinking about him. the pattern. one boy to the next. who cares about the fact that it was a seven year MARRIAGE after two years of dating? nine years. it doesn't matter. i will always ALWAYS come back to him. and waste no time in the shift.
and i need to address this at my next two therapy sessions, because i hope that my shrink can talk some sense into me. i'm so frustrated with my life and my choices and my patterns.
and that i always come back to him. i hate it. i wish it wasn't me, i wish i was over it.
and what scares me the most is that i'm afraid i will never be over it. i will never get over him. ever.
i just want to shake him. and i know myself. tempting fate. and wishing. birthday candles and all.
and i know where i'll be tomorrow night. and i know who i'll be looking for. all night long. wishing and wanting. thinking 'i'm right here. please just walk past me right now. so i can grab your sleeve, and pull you in. and just talk to you.'
to be drunk-ish and vulnerable and to happen into him. again. like in december. when i had already realized that my marriage was doomed. and then saw him, and knew why.
because all i want in this life is to find a boy just like him to settle down with. and if my payback is that he falls out of love with me and leaves me, then at least i will have lived and loved and spent nine years with a boy that i wanted to spend every waking breathing moment with.
and if i see him, i have to ask him things this time.
why do you look at me like that?
why didn't you kiss me when you had the chance?
why were you so content to let me slip away?
i wouldn't actually ask him that last question, because that says entirely too much about what i'm bottling up inside.
i'd just say that i miss the time of my life when we were friends. and that i wish i could have that time back.
and enjoy it. really truly enjoy it this time.
kit says i'm not crazy or irrational or illogical for thinking about him now. two whole days after leaving my husband.
because it makes sense that after so many years of being so discontent with my life, and thinking about him in the background the whole time, of course i'm going to come back to him and put him in the forefront when it's once again an option. no matter how far fetched an option, now at least it is an option.
sandalwood. pantene. champa. i still remember how he smelled. what he liked. what he loved.
and i only wish that it was me.
i am free.
free to continue to make mistakes.
free to continue to learn from them.
free to try to get an ounce of that happiness back.
i am free.
and i am so so so alone.