the high dive.

and then there's the drop, as you're jumping off the high dive.

the swan dive looks pretty sweet, right before you forget to clasp your hands in front of your forehead, smacking the surface of the water. and the pounding headache follows.

or something like that.

that was my day.

diving in, full force. work first, then personal life, then more work, then more personal life.

work didn't wait while i was gone. i have another full day tomorrow of working on getting caught up.

i'm feeling super productive right now. which is a good feeling.

i'm taking care of things that are holding me back, from moving on with my life. and i was so overwhelmed before i went home that i couldn't even start to do them.

but now it's all different.

i'm trying to move along even when i don't feel like it. and the mini bursts are keeping me going. feeling better for a bit gets me to the next obstacle.

i guess a place to start was my morning. i now have internet thanks to kit. it was awful to be so disconnected from my support system, and she resolved that with one phone call and a morning off from work to wait for the dude to show up.

she took me to get my car from the house. i'd left it so ever could use it while i was away.

he was on the stoop when we pulled up, so i talked to him for a minute.

and he pulled a classic ever divorce move, asking me why i wasn't smiling when i was doing what i said would make me happy.

i didn't have the heart to tell him that before i showed up and as soon as i left, i'd go back to being happy.

i just told him that i dread coming over and talking to him, so that's why i looked that way. told him that my family went as well as it could, and he welcomed me back.

and then he asked if i got the divorce when i was home. i looked at him with a wrinkled brow. he told me that it would be two to six months, depending. so he already knew that this was a ridiculous question.

so i asked why. aka, taking the bait.

and he said, 'oh, because someone said that you took married off of your facebook page.'

really? are we back in high school? who DOES that? i hid it as soon as i did it. but i just felt the same way about that as i felt about wearing the rings when we had already decided. it felt like a lie. plus, i don't want to have to get into it if someone starts talking to me now. people who know i'm married can ask why it changed if they want. and people who don't know that i was married don't have to know now.

anyways, it was a dick move. and i guess it made him feel better somehow? whatever. later that night when we talked again, he asked me to be discreet. of course. who does he think i am? most of the people i know don't know yet. i'm not going to become 'single' or something retarded like that. not until august 14th. which is the six month mark. like how i made it less time than my original september 6th deadline? august is from when we called it quits. september is from when i moved out.

we can wait and see. someone will hold me to one of these.

and then, more classic ever, i asked if he was having people over today, since it's traditionally a day that he does. and he said no. and then someone walked up behind me.

why he thought it would be smart to lie to me when he was expecting someone, i'll never know. i don't even think he meant to lie. maybe he thought i meant later in the day, because i was talking about coming back in the afternoon to chat.

i really hadn't anticipated seeing him that early in the day.

but so it was. and it was just another brick in the pile for me. a brick that reads, 'this is why we couldn't communicate effectively.'

and then i called the credit card company and took him off of my account.

which was the first step in detangling finances. it was smart.

kit waited on the cable guy, and i left and went to work. carting money all over creation. more deposits than i've had to make in a long long time.

but i got it all done, and went to see my shrink.

i kept pausing, hoping she'd ask me questions to pick me apart.

i told her about home. about my grandparents and my parents. about moving out. about the decisions i'd made regarding the house.

and about how i was feeling.

and then i dove in. for the second time today. and started to talk about coffee.

without naming him, i told her that there was this boy from a time when i was nineteen. that we were ever only friends, but that i was completely in love with him then, and how he made me feel when he came to our party in december.

how i felt like it was unhealthy/unnatural to start to think of him so soon after leaving. but that honestly, really, he's been there all along. and that every time i felt bad in my marriage, i'd think of him.

and i told her that i don't like that i do it, but that i can't help it.

i asked her if that was normal or if it made sense.

she said that when you go through something painful, and when you live without feeling that way in your marriage, it's totally normal to want to do things that make you feel that good again.

i told her that i had hoped in december that after eight or so years, i hoped it would be over, and that i was surprised that it wasn't and that i had waited on the divorce because i didn't want that run-in to cloud my judgment.

i told her that i feel like i should be sad. and she said to take what other people say from experience as information, but to beware of things regarding how i feel. because only i know how i will feel. and only i will feel the feelings. i told her no one is really telling me how i should feel. only me. kit pointed it out to me. that i was saying how i should feel. and i think it's interesting that my shrink said to beware of it.

anyways, it was a good day with her. and she didn't break my head open and didn't give me too much to think about. didn't make me feel like i had reason to panic. and didn't ask any hard questions.

so i left from there, went to the shop that is in the same hospital. and then went back to the university stores.

and did more work. kenna called. got kenna up to speed. she told me to enjoy my solitude. and to tell her if i need anything.

and then i went to the bank with even more deposits for work, and while i was there, i got my new checking account. the one i will set up for direct deposit tomorrow. it was great! it made me feel so much better, and only took like ten minutes, so it was a quick fix to something that i'd been too frozen up to do before.

i was proud of myself. even used the word divorce when i set it up. even prouder.

and then i went to pick up business cards for work. and went to the gym, only to tan. it was GREAT. i mean, i'm burned, but wanted to come back from vacation with some sun, and didn't. so i made up for it after a rough, crazy busy day with ten full minutes in the booth.

and it was divine. forced me to be completely still for ten full minutes. in silence. it was nice.

and spent more money on more things i needed. i got a back up hard drive and pulled all my files off of the computer at the house, and a router to have internet, which i'd need at the new place anyways.

and then i came to the apartment with the old old computer - 1997 anyone? but it works regardless, and it was all i needed. brought it in via two trips. even parked on my new block. which is pretty impressive.

and i came inside and set it all up on my own. and i was proud of myself.

and i feel excited, and free, and happy. and i feel like i should be more sad, and mopey, and lonely. but i'm not yet.

and i keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. because i know that it will.

and every day, i am grateful that it doesn't.

nina said i chewed through my leg shackles, and somehow escaped with my leg intact. so no wonder i am happy and enjoying this. and that six days before my six months are up, maybe then i'll feel sad and lonely just before i cross the finish line. i LOVE that.

i told her that if i make it five months and twenty four days without an incident, i'm totally good with that.

my mom called. i talked to her for a while. then my sister right after. talked to her for a while. chatted with nina for a long time.

it is nice how there's all this maintenance after a trip home. like we were all just talking for the last three days. so why wouldn't i be talking to them all today?

it's great.

i'm excited for this summer. so excited i can hardly wait! i know that it will fly by. i have a lot of big things to tackle in the meantime. so i'll be plenty busy. to have some extra time to spend there.

and my mind wanders back to coffee with this fleeting little thought.

i think i know what i liked so much about things the first time around.

because i'm the type of person who used to be non-stop attached at the hip. i tend to be that way now. and it is something i'm going to work on, what with the whole vow to be 'alone'. but when i liked someone, i wanted to see them and be with them every day.

and coffee was like that with me.

every day. for like a month. that original first go round.

and it seems like if something ever were to happen now, that it would be that way again.

there was this thirst (on my end, i thought on his also) that made us talk for hours on end, for days on end. night after night after night.

it was just this feeling of being completely immersed in someone's life for a little while. and i couldn't get enough. and i think he knew that, and it felt like he was slowly starting to drain the pool. and i just kept trying to swim. until so much water was gone that i was stuck in the deep end, unable to climb out. and that is where i've been flailing for the last twelve years of my life, off and on, with so many distractions, ever since. and he HAUNTS me. i told the shrink that.

but now i have a chance to start again. and my shrink also said that if talking to him is something i still want to do, and never did out of respect for my marriage, that it is okay to do that now. in fact, she actually recommended it.

not in a relationship-romantic kind of a way. but if it was just like a checking in to see what he's up to and to tell him what i'm up to kindof a way.

that it would be healthy. and that it would be a good thing.

how about that? i thought she'd tell me all the ways that fixating on him was completely insane and how i need to completely avoid him altogether.

and she encouraged me to try to initiate a reconnection instead.

who would've thought? i can have what i want. no more deprivation.

i can do as i please. and no one is going to stand in my way.

when i was home, nina said that she talked to kit about him.

that kit was nervous (which she's told me as well), and that she worried about me wanting to chase him again (paraphrasing here...).

and that nina told her that we were a good match, that we were both just too chickenshit to ever do anything about it.

and, as per the usual, this has settled into my head. because she is entirely correct.

i was too scared. and i don't know what his reasons were, but i think it had something to do with a girl in his home town breaking his heart years and years before. protection from a vulnerability that kept me outside. in his comfort zone.

and fuck him. we were a PERFECT MATCH. in my humble opinion.

i've met a lot of people in my thirty two years on this planet. a lot of different types of boys. who all look different. and i have never met anyone who came anywhere near the greatness of that boy.


three states. one south, one west, one northeast. never have i ever. broke the mold when they made him.

there's this death cab song i heard years ago, which was also years after coffee time.

and it's about matching freckles.

and we had matching freckles. i always thought that was some cute little soul mate thing. back when i believed in soul mates. maybe we even had two sets. i want to say one on our hands and one on our feet. i don't know how we would've figured that out exactly, but i have a hazy recollection.

and back to the situation at hand...

i want to get the paperwork going.

i want to be done with it by the time i go home. so i can just swim and enjoy the sun. and have it all behind me. and the pool i'm in, that won't matter. because i've been in a different pool where the water was cold.

and i know that, no matter what, i can appreciate this new pool just for being better. even if it's just filled with clean water, not coffee.

and if three months is the length of time it will take to work on my memoir, then i'd be pretty excited about that. because i want to stop living in the past, in my head. and sometimes i am so overcome with the desire to go back in time, to different times.

i hate it, honestly. just like the way i used to wish i could be hypnotized to be in love with my husband, i'd love to forget everything. so i could live only in the moment.

and i just hope that when i indulge and then finish the book, that i'll be better for it. and that i'll get over it and get on with it.

and one last thing i realized today.

i stopped writing during rough patches. which i already knew.

but i think that it coincided with times when i wasn't being true to myself.

when i was telling myself that i was happy, but deep down, knew that i wasn't. or even on the surface i knew that i wasn't.

and it's pretty fucking ironic that i will have this big thick book, chronicling the funnier and sadder moments of my life for the last thirteen years. and that ever will be a blip on the screen somewhere towards the end.

because i stopped writing when i got engaged to him. until i met the doctor who i crushed on. and then stopped when that ended (when i found out, as per the usual, that he was gay). and then only started back up when i realized that i wanted out of my marriage. and when i didn't care anymore if he read what i wrote about him. because it might only have sped up the process.

and on that note, i will turn in for the evening. try to get some much needed rest.

this is harriet the spy, signing off...

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