what happens when you stop looking. april 30th.

it seems entirely appropriate.

everything in my life would be different if i had just stopped looking for something.

it's one of those things that is easy in hindsight. from a different perspective.

people always say, 'when you stop looking, it will come to you'.

i hate those people.


but today, i have proof.


i really really needed this money. the tax return.

i was supposed to get it on the 23rd.

and possibly again on the 4th.

after writing the check for the first and last rent today, i was sweating it.

really truly.

and balanced my books. and then went online to verify that i really only have $40 or so leftover.

and there it was.

a $4000 balance.


yes. it is spoken for, in a way.

but holy fucking shit!


i got the keys to my new place with one carful of stuff from my-your apartment.

ever dicked out. what else is new? i was supposed to have everything of mine out of the house tonight. a couch, everything.

and he jacked me around, saying that he really needed me to just do it tomorrow. sometimes i think he's delaying the inevitable.

because once i take all of this shit, i'm sure that i have more there, but i really won't have a reason to go there anymore. puppy aside.


so being the nice person that i am, i agreed. and moving day became taking one load of shit day.


this missing money has been the stress of my week. and when i found out i was supposed to get it on the 4th, i had a mini meltdown. but put that date in my head.


and i wasn't even expecting to see it today.

and there it was.


i can buy a vacuum cleaner. a bed. i can buy a microwave. i can put the credit card away. i'd done so well for the past nine or so months not using it. but had to when the money didn't show up.


i made it.

i'm over the hump. i knew it would be hard to cough up $2100 for the new place. and it was harder than i'd have ever have thought.


i didn't even do anything with the place today.

i loaded up the car only once. kit helped me move that shit up the stairs.


i found it entirely fitting that the first box in, because of the way the car was packed, was the box of journals.

though nina has asked to be the safekeeper of said journals, to end the sadomasochism, i have reluctantly declined. i'll clean out a space in my new closets. and promptly stow them away.


the relief is immense.


I CAN FILE FOR DIVORCE.

i can become what i once was. and lose something that i will never be again. even though it's just a six letter name. it can now become the next thing that i bury. an identity.

it's interesting. for so long i feared losing this last name. i feared losing this identity. being the wife of ever.

and now, i just can't wait to shake it off.

i can't wait to be done with him. be done with it.

fucking MOVE ON with my life.

start over.


i hope ever is happy.


because now...i am.


i have a really really bad headache right now.

and to think that half an hour ago, i was cracking up at kit's. i mean, losing it.

too tired. two beers. an incredibly long and grueling week, because i fired someone and had to work my shifts and his.


i took her to dinner and beer, out of gratitude for helping me today, but more so tomorrow with going to the house.

it's funny, because now i know how alice felt.

she just needed me to go with her. because she didn't want to go in there alone.

and now i want kit to go with me, because i want to be out twice as fast, yes. but i want to not be alone with my thoughts.

so i'm making ever take the dog to the park, and give us a couple hours to get everything out.


tomorrow will be monumental. i will probably sleep there tomorrow night. and from now on.

after thinking that the last night here would be a few days ago, the guy didn't move out until today, the day he had to be out, so i didn't get to go in early.

and today, it was so anticlimactic.

getting the keys, opening the door.

it didn't feel like my-your apartment. i smile when i walk in here.


it didn't feel as clean, or as nice. i didn't have the pride.

there were a lot of things i didn't like about the apartment when i saw it. and i didn't pay attention, because i wrote it off right away.

the kitchen and bathroom were a turnoff. all i remembered was the bathroom.

and for a girl who spends so much of her time in the kitchen, and who cannot function without a shower first thing in the morning, i definitely feel like i got kindof cornered.


i've decided to hang a curtain between the living room and the kitchen.

and i don't know how i'll make it more awesome.

yet.


but it is mine. and i'll be there for a long time.


i guess that explains why i was in no rush to get back to it.

and why i goofed off with kit, and then helped her pack and sort until i couldn't anymore.

and didn't have any energy to go back there again, to clean, before filling the place tomorrow.


i don't think the couch will fit.

up the stairs, or inside the place.

what am i going to do?


my family will help me figure it out.


i think i might garden indoors.


i think i might paint a bunch of canvases and cover the walls, since the landlord who claims to be an artist is anti anything other than white paint.


yeah, i got cornered.

and worse yet, i fucking SETTLED.

because i had to. i did it because i had to.


because i decided to leave the man i married. at the worst possible time of year.

because i couldn't take it anymore.


what takes the sting out, is that the building smelled like my favorite indian restaurant.


and you know what? it is MINE. it's not shared. it's not someone else's.

it's all mine.

and i'll make it better than it is.

and it's worth the money i'm saving to have a less than spectacular apartment. because a year from now, i should be very close to being out of debt.

and that is something i haven't been able to say since i was eighteen.


free and clear of ever, too. which is something to hold onto.

i was telling kit at dinner tonight...


it's strange to me that when i'm alone at night, trying to fall asleep, it's not him that i'm missing. i'm missing someone being there, but it's not him. i don't picture him. i don't want him. i don't wish i'd stayed, or wish i hadn't left.

i miss everything he starved me of.

and i do not miss him. and all of his bullshit.


i cannot wait until this is behind me.

and now that the tax return came through, i'm on my fucking way.