i cannot pull it together.
i can't sleep.
i can't stop crying.
i don't know what it is.
sigur finally broke me down. () untitled 4 njosnavelin, specifically.
i spent a little time, and it loosely translates into 'i traveled through the light, i am not afraid', and 'in this lake of souls, i lose all fear'.
which is kindof funny. because this is all about my fears. i love when things work out that way.
first it was my parents, seeing me like this. this fear i have. i don't want to let them down. i don't want to disappoint them. and embarrass them. i am 32. i have nothing to show for my efforts. not a thing.
then it was a missed connection.
and then it was squeaky missing senor.
i feel like i'm dying inside. piece by piece i keep saying goodbye to things. and burying them. all these little deaths in my life.
and i have a very hard time with goodbyes. and i've never been good at dealing with death, so why would i have any easier a time of it now?
i know that it's because it is my last night here. for real.
it's like how, going home and dealing with this, was like a vacation.
living here was a vacation.
and i just don't want to go back to real life.
the house is killing me.
and i wish it had absolutely nothing to do with someone taking my place there. but it does.
because someone has their little portion of the house, all carved out. nice and neat. sections of rooms of their stuff. cabinets.
it felt really really bad walking into that surprise.
and against our agreement, he did it behind my back. because he didn't tell me that anyone had moved in. it's my house, too. and as long as i am on the mortgage, i am responsible for what goes on there. and he doesn't have the right to rent out rooms without my permission.
i wish it was just the building. which is what it was all day today.
but not tonight. staring at the ceiling.
sometimes when i cry, i don't want to dry my eyes. because i think about how i look with tear streaked eyes. and it makes me even more sad.
i needed to cry all day. to release this welling emotion. and i couldn't do it. i felt nothing. i was sad, but there was no pain.
i wish i could do it in a screaming rant, that i could laugh about for days later. weeks, even.
but it isn't like that.
i really would have liked to have had someone to talk to tonight. and the thing is, if i'm supposed to be alone, then i shouldn't be so disappointed.
i had a few conversations, but they weren't about me, and i didn't want to veer off the road with this mess.
so i didn't.
but just having a friend. a person. two ears. in the flesh. giving me a hug.
that would have helped. immensely.
i was thinking about it a minute ago, staring out the window. instead of writing a whole story, i thought i'd just put it here.
i wish i had learned morse code when i was a kid.
i wish that when i was a kid, i'd lived in a neighboring house, and used flashlights to communicate. like in 'big'.
because i'd love to have someone standing outside my window all these years later, flashing a message in to me right now with a flashlight. beckoning me, down and out the stairs in my pajamas.
it could only be better if it was raining.
it could be the end of a movie, almost.
just flashing 'i am here':
dot-dot, dot-dash dash-dash, dot-dot-dot-dot dot dot-dash-dot dot