permanence. may 3rd.

i learned some things about myself today.

i didn't have a good first night's sleep at the place, as i thought would be the case. i will be tired for a few days, i think.

i don't know if i will recover from the move anytime this week.

my calves are sore from balancing heavy things on them while opening and closing car doors, my trunk, and apartment doors. and trips up and down the stairs.

i could use a backrub. haven't had one of those in a very long time.

worked this morning, then drove to another store to work there. it was quiet, so i got some deep cleaning done.

i saw ever's doctor. who was my friend first.

and it made me feel like a child in a way. 'he was my friend first'.

i have that feeling about a few people. but mostly, everyone was his friend first. and that's why they aren't my friends anymore.

it makes me sad to have lost a big chunk of people that i thought were my friends. but i guess if they were really my friends that they wouldn't have shunned me.

luckily, i got to keep all of the best ones.

so i talked to dr doug. and he just looked so sad, but he did ask me how i was doing, how ever was doing. how everything was going.

and when he left, i felt better than when he walked up to chat.

in any case, something interesting happened. cat told one of my customer-friends that she was helping me because of what i'm going through, and when she asked what happened, she only told her that i left ever.

and she came back, with another nurse, to chat and pick up a cup of coffee. she had left the name of a book with cat that morning. and said that she only knew that little bit of info.

the nurse is also going through a divorce, and she thinks she's headed toward one.

a few christmases ago, she gave me a caramel covered apple.

and now, divorce advice. or support might be the better word. but we just talked, and i fought tears. and they nodded in agreement about things i was saying. she just said that she was there, and to keep my chin up.

it was nice.

i love having customers who are more than customers. i'm so involved with so many of their lives, and while it makes it hard, because everyone asks about ever and the house, it's also nice when they know to learn about their pasts and present and to have an extended network of support.

it felt good.

then i went to my shrink.

and that's when i learned a little more about myself. which is why i go. which makes me very happy.

we talked about permanence. i told her about ever having a roommate that was a surprise. i told her about the new apartment, and how unhappy i am with it.

and what she said, towards the end, was 'that's a lot of permanence for one day'.

it explained perfectly how i was feeling.

my whole existence is changing.

this weekend was critical. going to the house and emptying it. moving into my place, where i'm going to rebuild and start over and live my new life.

and the way she explained it was that i'm now at the place where i'm sitting in the repercussions of my decision to leave ever. and until this weekend, things were temporary fixes. things could have been undone.

but now i'm at the point where there's no going back.

and though i knew it, and didn't even want to go back, it's very concrete now.

i didn't cry. i expected to.

i talked about the other night, the reasons why i couldn't sleep. that i don't miss ever. that i miss the house and the dog. that i hate being a renter and that i love being a homeowner.

and it was funny, too, because i summed up the landlord situation in relation to the apartment.

and she agrees that i need to feel good about the apartment, because it is my starting point, and will come to be very important to me over the next year. and without using the word, said that i need a sanctuary. a place to go when i have a shitty day, to recover and feel better.

and also that i might have a problem with authority, or more specifically, other people's rules.

and this is so true.

it is why i am a manager.

i have never dealt well with people managing me. because i know what to do. i find the best and most efficient way to do it. and every manager i've ever had left room for improvement.

i've had fights with managers at past jobs. because i would try to help them, or better yet, tell them how things could be done in a better way. and it wasn't well received. one of my strengths is that i'm very open to suggestions. and i'll ask my employees from time to time for their take on things, or ideas that they have. and if someone is great at managing, i let them have more space to do things their way, but not lose sight of them.

i hate arbitrary rules that do nothing to help the business. i once got fired from a job i had for three years because i threw garbage in an empty box. because it belonged in the trash can.

three years with one company. never called out. wasn't late more than a handful of times in the three years, and never by much. i was super dedicated, loyal, and i was a great employee.

and he fired me because of a boxful of trash.

fought that one. got unemployment for a year before the wedding and moving here. it was sweet.

so to say that i have problem with authority, in general, maybe isn't entirely accurate. i'm not an anarchist. i do think there needs to be order, especially in business. but i know that there's more than one way to get something accomplished, and to be successful. and shitty rules do not make that happen.

this is all in line with landlord. having to deal with a landlord again is a huge HUGE step backward for me, in my mind.

there are not words for how much i loathe being a renter.

just like at work, i treat everything like it's mine, like i own it. and when it comes to living space, the same holds true. ever trashed every apartment we had with his work. but i tried to minimize the effect always.

so i got somewhere with her today, mentally. and that was reassuring.

then my sister's plane landed, and i left from the shrink to the airport.

having my sister here is awesome.

i miss her so much. she's such a cool kid. she's got it so together for being 21. and we make each other laugh. to tears,

she brought me the raddest housewarming gift.

when i got my camera at home in december, we were goofing off with it at my grandparents' house when i took it out of the box.

and i took all these silly pictures of us, super close up. making funny faces.

and this one picture, we both agreed it was our favorite makes me laugh every time i see it. because it is just how we are when we're together. goofy. fun.

and she had her friend transfer the outline onto a small canvas. and she turned it into an abstracted black and white painting.

and it is AMAZING.

she set it up well, too. she said 'i think i might have outdone myself with this one'.

and she did.

i put it on the wall within minutes of seeing it for the first time. and it's the first thing you see when you walk in the door.

i absolutely adore it.

i love the thought she put into it. i love that she had her friend paint it. i love the picture she chose. it is just awesome.

i worked out some things in the novel about hanging things on walls. and it is a feeling i'm having now.

wanting to make a place feel like my own, by putting things up for people to see that are a reflection of me.

i have a few paintings i made, they aren't up yet. they were never up in the house.

i have a painting nina gave me a long time ago. but it's not up yet.

i'm thinking about how to fix the walls here. whether a coat of white paint will do it, or if i do have to get creative with the fabric and wood and build huge colored panels.

it's probably cliche, but i like having awesome picture frames, hung on the wall empty. with no glass or anything, so it's just a frame on the wall. and that was something i was thinking of doing.

art is just so important to me. it's huge part of my life. and i want my living space to reflect that.

anyways, she told me the place isn't as bad as i think it is. that mom and dad are going to be fine. that it does need paint, and that she will help me to clean and organize tomorrow so i feel better before they get here.

then we went to the baseball game.

it was awesome until i got a headache.

i screamed my head off and paid too much for two beers.

but it was a lot of fun. i'm glad we got to go.

i've been screaming a lot lately. ever since that day with kenna.

it feels great to vent. i don't know why i never did this before.

i am quiet when i'm angry. i think those days might be over.

then we came home and she was on the phone, so i grabbed a box and put things where they go. and separated boxes of things i'd hurriedly packed at the house before i moved out. one box had a blanket, a cake pan, books, and movies. i had a lot of boxes like that to try to make sense of. l

but she was on the phone for a while. and i only have four boxes left in the bedroom to sift through.

and there's a path now to the kitchen. and i broke down maybe ten boxes.

i feel better already.

i like when my shrink tells me i'm not crazy. and when she sxplains the reasons why i feel the way i feel. or at least gives me insight. and she doesn't make molehills out of things that feel like mountains.

today was a good day. i'm beat. it's after two. i'm awake.

welcome to manic mode. i hope it ends soon. otherwise i might collapse.

i get to sleep in tomorrow. and then take my sister to work with me, but only for a little while. and we'll go to lunch. and hang out and talk.

i'm so glad to have her here. i hate that i live so far from her.

i'm so lucky to have her.

and i try to tell her that i realize how lucky i am. pretty often.

and now...sleep.

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