holidaze. may 30th, for real.

yeah. that was pretty crazy last night.

i think i fell asleep sometime after six am. i had a cigarette at 545. i had most of a beer before and after that cigarette. i knew that if i didn't, i'd never fall asleep again.

but i did. i willed myself back to sleep, and got up feeling decent at 1030. i woke up at 9, but refused to get out of bed.

i had a lot of coffee here. then i went to brunch with kit and had some more there.

it was cute. she came over before brunch, when i was still in my pjs and looking a hot mess. we had a smoke on the stoop.

i felt pretty rotten. i was having a hormone headache. my two parts of sleep were still heavy on me.

and she wanted to talk about how we talk to each other. i think she thought she was being too rough on me.

and i got a note from nina. three little lines, saying that i should say what i said i needed to say. and that he's a cutie, and there was a connection. to ask, and to start to move on and have a new journey.

everyone is so blunt. and i love it.

it's like this drawing nina drew in an old journal. of her slapping me across the face and yelling 'snap out of it!'

it's the same thing again. about the same thing, assuredly.

and it did knock some sense into me.

like, oh, yeah. right.

i'm getting a divorce. i'm trying to figure out what to do with my life once i reclaim it.

i'm trying to figure out what business i want to own and operate. and where i want to live.

there are so many things for me to think about and talk about. and somehow coffee the boy seems like a total waste.

so i'll try my best to shut up about that. because the more i give it, the worse it gets.

i'll starve the fire. i'll snuff it out. and light it up in three weeks.

tomorrow i have a 'sit down' with ever.

tomorrow i'll have a whole slew of things to write about.

all the mean things he says to make me cry.

all the things his lawyers have advised him about.

the purpose of the meeting is to sign the lease with the roommates.

the other purpose, hopefully, is to see what he came up with in terms of mediators to settle this thing and fucking file already.

eleven days until dark sky park. i got our reservation tonight. it is official. it is ON. same with the brewery.

kit's birthday comes a month and a half after her birthday. i'm such a good friend.

there are exciting things that come with this territory. like, buying a tent for instance. and a couple of camping chairs. sleeping bags. a cooler.

little things that will present opportunities in my future life. i haven't been camping since i went with the sun. it's been over ten years! there is no excuse for that. none at all, whatsoever.

and it will make the fall more fun. because when the weather cools after this summer, camping will be a fun new hobby to try out. and a good excuse for more road trips to new places.

this trip means taking a five hour road trip with kit.

and seeing the stars. and hopefully, HOPEFULLY seeing saturn. if it is in the sky, that is. i should probably look into that before i get my hopes up.

i want to see those rings. i want to see mars. and even jupiter. but especially saturn.

i found out today, that if it rains, if it's cloudy, then all the money is for nothing. because there will be no canceling the event unless there's some horrific catastrophe.

i'll start praying to the clear sky gods that reside somewhere above dark sky park.

please don't let it rain on my star party. please just for one night. just for a few hours, even. i'll camp in the pouring fucking rain. i just want to be able to see everything.

anything. something.

i won't complain. i won't be a bitch. i just want to stare at the sky and see what i see.

so that is exciting. and that is coming up.

and after that adventurous weekend, i will start the diet.

i will give up beer until i go home.

i will give up fries and chips and everything i love. for two weeks.

tonight i go to sleep at a respectable hour. tomorrow i don't have any plans except to see ever for about an hour. and i don't even know when. the movie thing fell through, i guess. which is just fine by me.


something happened today. right after that note from nina and the chat with kit.

i got a note from one of ever's friends. correction: a note back from our friend jay.

i'd been really bummed out on it because i had written him saying that i missed them a lot, and that i hoped to see them soon.

and when i didn't hear back, i thought that the last two people i'd hoped to salvage from the split had sided with him as well.

but in a few quick lines, he put my mind at ease. they were just super busy. and maybe it means that i'll have to see them at the house. but maybe not.

but whatever i was worrying about, it is okay again now.

i took to heart what he said to me. and it made me feel bad that i'd doubted it. and like a headcase. but that is really nothing new.

so. tomorrow. i'm just trying to soak up the weekend and not do much of anything. because this week was a killer, and i deserve to not be killing myself. to recover. completely.

and if tomorrow sucks because of the damper known as ever, then fuck it.

because i have monday to get over sunday.

and that, dear reader, is a wonderful thing.

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