long walk home from grace's. may 28th.

i'm beyond tired. i'm in bed before nine on a friday night.

it's okay, though.


tonight, i got a talking to.

and i had a listen, also.

but i got the third degree from kit. and her friend who is a guy.


she wanted me to start thinking about home.

as if i don't do that enough already.

like i need help.


only, i do.

i do need help.

last night, writing, i went into it.

and if i had the energy, i'd reiterate. but i don't.

so i'm just going to start over.


i got on this stalker kick last night, because of something she said to me about stalking.

i couldn't help it. that girl tagged him in a picture of their lobster dinner.

and thanked him, love, for the dinner.

i guess associations matter. because the only one i have is of the awful former roommmate calling all boys 'love'.

and yes, i have stalker tendencies. but i was only seeing one thing that was in my feed. and that couldn't be helped. obviously, this girl wanted it to be there. for whatever reason.


but tonight was different. i had kit telling me what i have to do. and then we went to dinner with a boy who is her friend. and then he basically said that, of course it is what i think.

he mentioned chemistry. and obviously, if he knew i was going to be there, he went there to see me.


what i didn't mention was that he negated that by saying to me, 'tea and nina... i haven't seen them in forever.'

but still.


i have a picture. and his head is practically on my boob. and that is irrelevant in a way.

because the thing is, i know what to ask. i know what to say.

i've been planning that for months. what i don't know, the variable, is what he will say when i ask. from what i've told her, kit thinks that he will tell me what he thinks i want to hear, if i'm not overly cautious in how i ask it. or if i don't have a follow up question in mind beforehand.

that he'll know what i want him to say. and that he'll answer accordingly. because if he is in it for the attention, he'll keep that going.

all i have to ask is why he never kissed me. and if he says he wanted to, i have to know what to say next. or ask. because if my heart is too in it, it will show. and she also recommended that i give it a set amount of time, and change the subject. so i can process later.

hearing it from an objective boy was better. and he said that living a life of regret isn't what it should be. that life is suffering, but if there was chemistry, is chemistry, saying something now could make it so that we are both happy.


he didn't recommend kissing him if he has a girlfriend. it didn't help seeing the dundees episode of the office just before going out. because it wasn't the one where jim puts it all on the line for pam, but it was the season before that, when she's drunk and kisses him after she gets her award. and he essentially said it was an awesome night. even though it was a total disaster.


i cannot help it. i want a hollywood ending.

and who better to have it with than my coffee?


i'm nuts. i know this.

but i have to get over it. move on. get on with it.

and in three weeks, or maybe only two, for calendar's sake, i need to send him a text that essentially says, 'hey. i'm coming home. would you like to have a drink when i do?'

and i don't know how to word it. or if it is appropriate at all. but i have to.

and her friend asked why i wasn't driving home right now to ask him.


but thinking that he thought that makes me feel less crazy.


i wrote for an hour last night. and lost the entire thing.

i wrote about the last post. i wrote about work. i wrote about the movie date tomorrow. i wrote about coffee.

and it's all gone now.


some days i think, 'i should just delete the entire blog'. the way that kit threw her journal into the ocean. the way that aubree's girl throws hers away after surviving a hard time.

but i can't. i cling too much to things i write. even if they are mundane. or total shit.


i'm going to bed. really early on a friday night. because i can. not because i want to.


i just want this whole thing to be over with.

like, day one. land. sleep. wake up. get sun. go out with coffee. ask the question. get on with my life. and then take two weeks at home to recover.


if the worst case scenario is him saying 'what are you TALKING about???', then that is what it is. and if the worst case scenario is me not being able to think of a way to pin him down on it until the next day or week, that is unacceptable.

i have to get my answer. and i have to know.


and part of me hopes he does have a girlfriend.

and part of me hopes he just kisses me right then and there. or that i kiss him. same difference. well, different. but same end result. i want him to be my first kiss after years of draught.

and part of me wants to never write or think of him again.


but as is apparent from this blathering on, part of me is going to fuck myself royally by never forcing him to either make it or break it. so that i can keep up with the tortured, tormented musings.


it's all i can think about. all day, every day. from now until i am there. hopefully, sitting across from him, getting my chance.


all this thinking led to dreaming.

last night, i was dreaming that i was curled up with him.

and i woke up this morning, because in my dream i woke up to him kissing the nape of my neck.

and i was coming unglued. i woke up feeling so incredible in the dream. my skin was crawling. only it wasn't real. not yet.


it's all i want. kit keeps asking me what i want. and i do not know.

i don't know. not the slightest clue.

but a place to start would be right there. waking up. because i slept next to him again. and he couldn't stand to sleep next to me, without kissing the back of my neck.

if that happened, i'd die happy.

i'd have my cake. and eat it, too.