it's funny. when you end up at the end of a road, you have no choice but to turn yourself around and ask, 'how did i get here? which turns brought me here?'
i don't know. it feels like that. you re-evaluate your life decisions, the ones that seem to make a difference in hindsight. and sometimes you overthink, that is true.
but thinking is how you try to not repeat the same mistakes. and learning is what the journey becomes about. it keeps you from feeling like you failed at something. it keeps you from losing hope that you'll be happy again.
i can't help that i want to know this. it is a path that i passed by. and just like when you're lost, i kept seeing the sign for that same exit, yet i missed it every time. it was always something with the timing. i'd be three lanes away from the turn. and despite the fact that i'd been lost for so long, i couldn't remember how to get unstuck. how to try to catch that exit.
i cannot wait for dark sky park.
part of me can't wait for skydiving.
i feel like i have a bucket list at 32. i feel like i'm back from this life that felt like dying. little atrophied dreams that i've held onto watching them die one by one. and getting fed up with that. and saying that enough is enough and walking away. cutting your losses. starting over again.
i don't know how i makes me feel.
immature and selfish often.
but no one said that self discovery is easy. and no one said it was fun. i don't know. there's a lot i want to say, but i don't want to spoil anything either.
how to find that line and stay to the right of it?
how to hint at something, or get at something without giving it all away?
i kept saying to kit, when i was tipsy early on in the night, 'the bottom line for me is...'
but i had like six bottom lines.
i am trying to think of even one right now. i'm completely forgetting all of them.
one bottom line is that i need to know if i just made the whole thing up. i don't think that i did.
another is that i need to know, on some level, if all the time i've invested has been a waste, or if it is deserving of more time. and energy. even if it is all only mental energy.
the bottom line i need to determine is what i want from any or all of this.
because that is what i think the bottom line should be.
to say that i want something more than this is not really enough. i know that it doesn't make sense to want any of it. but the way that i felt in december. the way that i felt off and on over all these years. that is what it is. that gut feeling.
i don't want to move home. but if something could happen, i'd do it. the added bonus would obviously be living close to my family and nina. and if i gave it a set amount of time, it wouldn't be like giving up and moving home. it would just be an experiment.
i don't want to be treated the way that i was before. like, take a number. get in line. and if i have time, maybe... i will not take that ever again.
not to say that i won't 'date'. but to care about someone that much, and to like someone that much, and to not be treated respectfully was not okay.
i don't want to make myself too available. when i play this scenario out to the end and it ends well, i imagine trying to inject myself into his life. i say often that he has a lot of friends, and a lot of circles. work circles, play circles, team circles. and unlike me, where i can count my friends on one hand, it's a lot of time and energy that is being directed there, and i'd be taking from that and interfering with that.
and unless it was like the lawton thing the last time i was with him, where i had this clue that she knew of me before i met her, that could be incredibly tricky.
but at the same time, if my friends i can count on one hand met him someday, they'd all know exactly who he is. because i talk about him.
it's not that it's so unlikely. it's that it's so unlikely of him. it's not that i'm wanting too much or asking too much. it's that i'm wanting too much and asking too much of him.
the word i can't let go of for tonight, kindof like the bottom line phrase, is 'chemistry'.
because it really is that simple.
twinkly eyes - heart flutters - stomach drop - smiles - giggles
it is all just a FEELING. at the end of the day, there is NO concrete evidence. there is no data. there are no statistics. there are no algorithms.
there is only a feeling that i have when i am standing next to him. there is only a tiny hint of that when i'm thinking about him.
all night i wanted to cry. i don't know why. same thing, i guess...just a feeling. like i need to let something go and get it out of my system. have a good cry and start over again.
as long as i'm on the road analogy, maybe there's more to that.
i've always hated the adage about it not being the destination, but the journey.
i'm too impatient. i just want to take the shortcuts and get there. no scenic route. i feel like being with ever was the scenic route. and not in a good way. in the way that extends your trip exponentially, so that by the time you're where you're going, you're ready to kill each other. and vow to never travel with that person. ever again.
fuck me. the sun is coming up. i've now been up so late that it's early. i want a cigarette so badly. but i am afraid that if i sit outside during the sunrise, i might come entirely unhinged.
it was all fine and good while it was still dark.
but now it's not fine. or good. now i'm trying to figure out how i will have a normal day tomorrow. or in a a few hours from now, because it's not technically tomorrow. it's technically today.