as per the usual, i didn't know which key opened the front door. the dogs started barking when i tried the key that didn't fit.
mom let us in, woken from a nap on the couch. i introduced her to chalk and she passed back out on the couch after asking how it went. i just told her that 'it went'.
nina and i got into bikinis, and went out back, poolside.
i left the bathroom door open so we didn't disturb mom, and could use that door to go in and out.
chalk didn't realize i'd left it open, in fact, he didn't realize that it led to the pool. so he started peeing, and i walked in on him. i said, 'oh!' and shut the door. we joked with the door cracked about how funny it was that i thought he was right behind me, and how he didn't realize there was a door there, much less an open door there.
so we all sat and talked, cracked fourth beers in the back yard, after the drive from the bar.
and i don't know what we talked about now, but nina talked about herself, and he talked about himself. and i spent my time talking about how long it had been since i had sex (five months) and how long it had been since i had good sex, the kind that gets you off (six years).
and he said that it was wrong, depressing, not right, etc.
and nina said, 'i think i hear my mom calling. yep, that's my phone.' and made a motion like she was going to get up to answer it. and they both laughed. and my dumbass didn't get what she was saying.
call me naive. i have now told this little blurb to the writer, mostly women other than that. and i have never said it in an effort to get attention or sexual attention. it was always just me talking openly about what i'm missing out on.
it's embarrassing, not endearing. and i need to vent the frustration and anger. but nina could see that chalk was entirely interested in ending the drought, despite the fact that i was completely oblivious.
and i said something else, later, and she said the same line about her phone ringing again.
we went for a swim, and chalk was naked, which i didn't realize until two thirds of the way through the swim.
i choked on my beer when nina made me laugh and thought for a second that i was going to die.
in the pool, over that beer that almost killed me, i started to want contact with chalk.
it wasn't that i wanted him specifically. it was that there was a boy in my parents pool, swimming around near me. and i wanted to wrap my legs around him and swim near him. or just let my slippery feet slide across his belly or something.
i can't explain it. it wasn't him. it was just the boy in the pool.
and then more time passed, and it was late, and she was tired. so she went to bed. and probably told us to have fun. or something like that.
and somehow, despite her knowing exactly what was going to happen the second she left the two of us alone, imagine my shock when he hugged me and pulled away to kiss me passionately.
he totally went for it. and despite the daze from coffee, and despite the daze from some boy grabbing me and holding me and KISSING me, i kissed him back.
he caught me off guard. but instead of freaking out, or mumbling incoherent words, or pushing him off, i just kissed him back.
and i thought, 'wow. this isn't how i remember it' about his kissing style. he was slightly sloppy. and all i could think in those first few minutes was about how all i wanted was this exact night, only with coffee.
i felt bad for kissing him back. i felt guilty. because the scenes from the bar with coffee were looping in my mind. and i wasn't thinking at all about the boy who was kissing me. i was thinking about who i wanted to be sharing it with instead.
and i said something about being afraid that i had forgotten how to kiss.
the thing about chalk is this. he's very good. he's known for being good at sex. and overtly sexual. he's known for being unshy. and his nickname is half his first name, and the other half 'penis'. because it goes nearly to his knees. also, he's very complimentary.
and i was very vulnerable. and i didn't even care that he was cashing in on it. it had been obvious to nina. but not to me. and when i figured it out was around the time he undid my bikini top and threw it on the ground.
this is nearly soft porn. sorry.
i didn't care. because about halfway through, everything just felt really good. the passion and intensity with which he grabbed at me and held me against him was a welcome change from everything lackluster my life had been for the last seven years.
and i was really surprised at how little qualms i had with the fact that i wasn't in love with this boy, who was trying to seduce me.
i thought about it. mostly, i thought that i didn't know if i was strong enough to turn down sex for the sake of good sex.
i thought about who he would tell. who would find out.
i thought about what it would mean to me, leaving the next day.
i thought about coffee.
and repeatedly grabbed his wandering hands, putting them in places that weren't under bathing suit bottoms. anywhere but where his hands were wandering.
oh, he begged. he begged me to let him fix all that wrongdoing. he begged me to just let him treat me right.
he's a smooth dude.
he almost got his way.
but in the end, i didn't have sex with him. i didn't have sex on the lounge chair, poolside under the stars. i thought about how fantasy it was. how i couldn't have written it more sensually.
standing at a point, hugging, taking a break from kissing, topless in a wet towel, shivering. where my mother could have easily seen if she was awake.
it kept me in check. knowing that my mother could wake up at any given second and catch me in the act was probably the thing that kept my bottoms on.
he quivered. from the first second he kissed me, he was shaking. and later, when i was trailing my fingers along his arms and legs and chest, he shook even harder.
and it reminded me of say anything, which i only just recently saw for the first time. when they are in the back seat of his car, and ione comments on his trembling.
and he can't control it.
it was exactly like that. which made it all the more endearing.
there are about two hours' worth of details that i won't bore you with. but he kept telling me that i am perfect and beautiful. and did i want him to stay the night.
and i kept telling him that i can't and he can't and i can't.
and apologizing. for frustrating him. that i didn't intend to be a tease. that from minute one, i told him i couldn't have sex with him.
and there was heavy conversation, and just time staring at stars cuddling. it wasn't all kissing.
the stuff in between is what i was left thinking about after he went home.
because i realized that he is a real person. he has feelings, too. he's heartbroken, too. it's been a long time for him, too. and he hates being alone, too. hates sleeping alone. misses having someone to be with and share a bed with.
and though those things weren't how i was feeling at the time, they have been versions of me, these last few months.
and that was when i decided that it wasn't the time to make the decision to have sex right then and there.
but that i could now see the value of a fuck buddy.
i could have sex with him. and he said it himself. i'm not going to fall in love with him, and he's not going to marry me. but we could have really good sex.
and for the first time in my life, i wanted to have sex with someone that i had no romantic or emotional feelings for in that way.
i didn't. but if i had? i wouldn't have regretted it. and i wouldn't have spent the whole next day thinking about him nonstop. the sex? probably. i'm sure it would have been epic. but not being smitten with him.
he's not my type at all. i'd never pick him out of a crowd and decide that he was the boy for me.
but the fact that he was my friend as long ago as coffee was helped the cause.
and if i hadn't been leaving in the morning, i'm sure he would have demanded to see me the next night. and i bet i would have caved and had sex with him. because when he left that night, i was sex crazed.
i'd gone to the edge of the cliff with him. and looked over. and i wanted to jump. he had me ready to jump.
but in the end, i chickened out. and walked around frustrated for days, instead of letting him fix it in under thirty seconds flat. i bet it would have been the fastest sex of my life.
i need to wrap this up.
the bottom line is, he has been all up in my fb. and messaging nina about bringing me back to florida and about how he's got a big crush on me now.
and that fact alone might keep me from ever putting him on my buddy list. because i don't have a crush on him. and that makes it seem unfair.
but i also know that he wouldn't think it unfair at all.
he's willing and able.
and he wants to spend some time with me when i go home at christmas.
and depending on what happens between now and then?
i might just let him.