tattooesday. july 6th.

i want to document the whole trip. the fact that i haven't posted in eleven days is a bit overwhelming.

independence day was really fun, for the most part, but it started out rough and ended rough.

and it ended with kit going to the airport which was less than awesome, because i think we both wish she'd been able to stay longer.

aside from that, i didn't see fireworks. i called nina to tell her about drunken escapades, and stayed up late, probably playing scrabble with friends.

and talking to aubree.

the next day, everything changed. it's not mine to tell, but our family dynamic was turned on its head.

and i spent most of the day bouncing between mom and aubree, trying to mediate.

luckily, we were slated to go to my sister's apartment, two hours from my parents' house.

so we did.

and the drive there, i don't know how it came up, was about my sex life. from the dawn of it, to the present lack thereof.

and i'd never had a conversation like that with my sister, let alone anyone else before recent history.

we laughed, and listened to music. she asked me questions and i answered. she talked some, but not much. mostly she listened.

when we got close, she called her friend adam to have him meet up with us.

because dinner with mom and dad ran late, we left very late. it was probably mom's way to keep us from going out once we got there. it worked.

we drank beer instead, and smoked hookah. i'm really not a fan. fruit and mint are not my thing. and despite the fact that i chew gum while i smoke, smoking mint flavored tobacco also makes me queasy. so i didn't smoke too much, though the sensation was nice.

we had a mini dance party, and talked until four am. we walked to the pizza place, laughing the whole time.

adam is awesome. he's funny and crazy, and loud, but not in an obnoxious way. he does whatever he feels like doing at that exact moment. there was a hilarious story about my sister getting the answers to a bunch of exercises, so they would have a better idea of what to focus on. and in front of an auditorium of five hundred students who were filing out, he dropped to his knees at her feet, screaming, 'praise jesus, hallelujah.' very dramatically. to hear him say it makes it even funnier. he indulged me with a re-enactment.

i love him.

so we had sensational pizza, and went to bed around four.

woke up for tattoo day.

she took me on her scooter.

it was incredible.

the feeling of the wind rushing into my nose and being forced down my throat was new and different, and it felt very free. like a bicycle, only faster.

i was jumpy, i guess because i am not familiar. but she got me safely to a coffee house that i'd probably hang out at, if i lived there. and then to the tattoo parlor.

there's a reason why they do consults. they do consults so that you have time to go over the artwork with the artist, to make sure that your image is well thought out.

she skipped the consult, and we showed up with our art. and sure enough, the artwork for sister tattooes was not going to work.

however, my artwork for my ribs and fingerprint did.

so he started on me while aubree tried to figure out the best way to proceed.

i started with the ribs, because i thought it would hurt the worst.

i can't explain it. for someone who is prone to panic attacks for no good reason, and especially for good reasons, i felt no panic.

i was really pretty calm. and he asked me if i was ready, and i said yes, and he started. it wasn't as bad as i thought it would be. he definitely hit a point where it stung like a bitch. for the most part, though, it was awesome.

much easier than anticipated.

when it was time for saturn to sit on my fingerprint, i expected pain, but not much of it, and only a minute's worth. it was a minute and a half of insanity. it felt like getting papercuts in gaping papercuts. it sucked.

but it was done in a minute and a half. so all was well. and it looked awesome.

then we had to take an intermission. aubree and i decided to split the image.

he did my half. and then her half.

i'd decided that in honor of my ghost, i was going to put a little apple that fell from the tree on my ankle.

and it wasn't on the art, so he freehanded it.

and after the cigarette i had, post saturn and nina rib tattooes, the ankle tree hurt the worst of all. the way i see it, the adrenaline had come and gone, and the endorphin rush had already worn off as well. so all that was left was to feel the pain.

and i did.

but when he was done, and i looked down, i burst into tears. the tree was perfect. but that apple. it killed me.

i'd been thinking about the ghost for most of my trip home, and to memorialize him meant more than anyone will ever know. it's okay to carry it around with me, as long as i don't let it weigh me down after all these years.

i haven't thought of it much since, but i really lost it for a minute, and aubree asked me to pull it together, because she didn't want to lose it.

so i was done and stopped crying, and then it was her turn.

and then she was done. and then we were all greased up and saran wrapped up, and were zipping around on the scooter to get some food.

i was not hungry. all that belly sickness from tattooes was too much to eat around. so we ordered food to split, but neither of us could even eat it. i had a beer and settled down, and took the food back to her place before the thunderstorm set in.

as we got in her door, it started to rain. the timing was perfect.

we hung around, eating and drinking, uploading pictures and goofing off with adam. he left to study, it stopped raining, and my sister took me on a scooter tour of campus.

it was awesome.

i can't explain how great the daytime was. waking up so tired but amped from the drive down. sister time. just spent talking like we'd never talked before.

and then waking up and getting coffee and rushing to the tattoo place. and getting everything i wanted for a steal. the ride to the lunch place and back to her place.

all of it.

she took me around campus, which was just beautiful. i expected to be bored, quite honestly. i didn't think the novelty of the scooter would have worn off by then, but i expected to see my campus as her campus.

it was awesome. the ride was awesome. feeling so crazy, then chill, and finally a version of the two was really neat to experience.

i don't know.

i do know that i love my sister more than i could ever say.

and that day was perfect. even getting sprinkled on was great.

and getting home to rest a bit, then going right back out was okay. she had a co-ed soccer game. which was fun, considering i know literally nothing of the sport. and i don't know how, but i started to follow.

that was over, and she took me to her haircut lady's house.

i wasn't happy with all the layering she did at first.

but what i came to realize was that, with the loss of that hair, i no longer had triangle head. and that was awesome.

we got a quick shower and headed back to mom's. and talked the whole way back about sex, as we had on the way up.

it's funny how spending just a few minutes talking openly about very personal things can really enlighten you.

i mean, it's my sister. and she's so real and able to talk about everything in ways that i couldn't until about a year ago. i still blush. i still struggle.

though this trip home changed things for me. and i came back talking more openly and freely than i ever have. granted, i feel more openly now than i ever have. and i know what i want. and i'm not going to slow down until i get it.

and by it, i mean sex.

i want sex. i need sex. it's been too long. and i never thought the words would come out of my mouth. but i want shameless sex with someone i am not attached to. and i am now realizing that i am actually capable of it.

i think i am. i am mostly certain of it.

and though i have my gaze on a particular boy, i'm not going to limit myself to only having one possible option.

because the day after that drive, another presented itself to me. and though i made the right decision, or so i believe now, at the time, i also know that i could have gone either way, and been okay.

i have learned the value of a fuck buddy. though i don't have one yet, i could. and i'm no longer afraid to say it. or write it.

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