rode hard and put up wet. independence day 2010.

it's going to be a late night. i have been running too ragged to keep up with posting. real life has replaced writing time.

kit went home and nina's not here yet and aubree didn't drag me out of the house, so i have time.

last night was an epic disaster. i went out to accomplish two things, and didn't do either.

i went to ask coffee my question. and i went to the club brownies and i used to go to every friday night to dance my ass off.

what happened instead is that i got so drunk that i feared a trip to the hospital was in order.

coffee failed yet again to mention that his girlfriend would be waiting for him at the bar he told me he'd be going to with another guy.

so my hopes were dashed because i am not bold enough to have this chat with him while she is there.

kit finally met him. she said that she thought he was a mythical creature. i told him that she'd been calling him a unicorn.

i guess that maybe i should have no reason to have told her about him, but whatever. i'll try not to overthink it.

the bartender came to see us. he bought us all a shot. after we'd already had a beer and played a wickedly fun game of foosball with a hottie named zach. who disappeared too quickly.

zach and i won. i was giggling and high-fiving enthusiastically, thinking that coffee was watching or catching glimpses before he had a chance to say hi to me.

the bartender went upstairs to talk, and coffee joined us. kit was underenthused, pissed about the girlfriend, and eventually wouldn't speak to me, because i was now backing out yet again.

i kept begging her to trust me. she said that i'm always waiting for the perfect chance.

the fourth time will be the charm.

i'd already committed to wearing the spectacular dress i bought, and the thought of saying it to him looking that romantically cute and while nina is watching feels a bit easier.

last night would have been a possee of four watching. and while kit and my sister had me pretty calm in the face of that mess, it was supposed to happen at the scrabble bar. so it feels like coming full circle. right back to where it was supposed to happen originally.

i can't get him out of my head now that kit has left me.

she was the best distraction. i don't know how i could have survived that first day after the disaster night without her being there.

and last night, i think she saved me from being arrested for public intoxication.

and she was literally holding me up and walking me around. i don't know how i didn't pull her down with me.

so after the beer and the foosball and the brief conversation and the shot, we went to dance.

i had to walk quickly to try to catch up to a very frustrated kit.

but we made it to the club and i got inside with aubree's friend. aubree talked to kit and eventually came inside.

i was sad to not have kit for prince's kiss, because it is literally my favorite song to dance to.

but i danced my ass off, and it was really fun.

then it was last call. it had taken six girls so long to get ready that we had all but missed the entire night.

so i grabbed a last beer. if i'd stopped there, i would have been pretty silly, but not shitty.

and kit came to dance, so all was well. we had fun, dancing to a couple pretty shitty songs, honestly.

then there was a tap on my shoulder. my best friend from high school had tracked me down.

and insisted on a shot.

and instead of saying no, because i knew i shouldn't, i let her. only she bought kit one, too. and she doesn't drink liquor, so i was stuck with both.

i did them back to back. which was not smart. and was also not acceptable.

i signaled to kit that i'd be puking later. because i knew it would put me over the edge.

and the bartender showed up and danced for one song.

and then i started to sway.

and then i couldn't walk straight.

and then i had to puke. i didn't even feel like i was going to get sick. but everything started spinning wickedly. and aubree found me and asked if i needed the bathroom.

and helped me make it down the stairs.

i don't know how i made it. luckily i wasn't in heels, or i'd have sat down and scooted like we used to at grandma's when we were kids.

she tried to come in, and i'm one of those people who needs to be alone when i'm sick. if i see someone puke, i'll puke. and when i'm sick, i will avoid puking as often as possible, just because i hate it.

but last night, i was going to whether i had to or not. it actually took a second to get sick. but then i was thinking, i'll just puke and be fine.

because in the past, it was always fine.

i was in there for a while puking. and they were all banging on the door. what i didn't find out until today was that the high school friend went to get security to try to get me out.

and i kept yelling at them that i was fine and to leave me alone. but only when security started banging on the door and demanding i open it did i come out.

that was when i closed my eyes.

and i didn't open them for over an hour, to inhibit the spinning.

i have never, in my entire life, felt that drunk and out of control over my own body.

i will never. EVER. do that again.

i don't know why i couldn't say no or refuse the shots.


so the security guy got a bottle of water for me, and they carried me out. i think i was between kit and aubree, but i'm not even sure, because my eyes were closed.

i couldn't stand up, so kit propped me up against the outside of the club.

i remember everything. i don't know how i could have been so drunk and not blacked out. maybe that's only tequila.

i don't know.

but i saw the picture that kit took of me today, and let me just say that i look DEAD. i look pale and sick. from puking and sweating so hard, all of my eye makeup was under my eyes.

i couldn't speak for fear of vom, so i began giving thumbs up when something was funny or true.

so i leaned. and kit said that i had to stand up for a bit, because a cop was looking at me.

so i did. and then the car was pulled up to where i was standing. they were so close to where i was, but it felt like forever before i was being shoved into the car.

i don't know how i didn't puke in the car. it was a miracle. the windows were down, and i was sweating so profusely that i could only think that i should be going to the hospital.

my shirt and jeans were drenched. sweat was running down my face, off my nose and chin. and my head was on kit's shoulder, and her arm was keeping me in place.

i guess that at one point my sister started singing 'we're the three best friends' song from the hangover, which is my favorite part of the movie, and i don't remember doing it, but i fist pumped, which cracked them all up. i was being pretty funny with my thumbs up, cracking up both kit and my sister.

i remember some guy on the street asking one of us how they could let their friend get that drunk. i thought it was security, but it ended up being an acquaintance. the cop blocked traffic to get me into the car, so that was pretty awesome. he told us to get home safely.

i know that kit told me i had to get out of the car.

and i shook my head no. i was doing that a lot. i was too drunk to be combative, but i was pretty adamant about not doing certain things.

they got me out of the car, and i couldn't make it inside without puking, so i slunk to the dip in the curb of the driveway, and puked out into the street. i was trying to make the best of a bad situation. i remember feeling my shoes get sprinkled, and the tops of my feet, and it made me mad at myself.

apparently, i wiped my mouth off on kit's shirt, which is making me laugh hysterically right now, because she said she'd never been puked on before and then, 'gross!' and it cracked me up.

i thought i'd actually thrown up on her. but i hadn't.

and when i woke up this morning i had like three overwhelming thoughts. one was to clean up the puke so no one saw. but kit said i was puking foam and bubbles (also making me laugh to tears right now), so there was nothing to clean up.

the next thought was how sorry and embarrassed i was. initially for kit, because she's never seen me that way before, and never will again.

but also to my sister. because the last time i went out with her, she had to carry me to the bathroom for dry heave fest 2010.

it's a horrible example to set for her, and i feel like an asshole that i'm eleven years older and making more retarded decisions.

luckily the bartender left before i got sick, so he didn't see me in that condition. i was worried that word would get back to coffee. as stupid as that is.

letting my best friends see me in that shape is one thing. letting a boy or an interest see me in that shape is another entirely.

i hadn't eaten dinner. that was one mistake. another is not taking into account the weight i lost. i don't know. it was two beers and three shots in total. it was the mixing that fucked me over. but i don't feel like i should have been that drunk on only five things.


it is a red flag.

i will not ever do that again. i'm too old and i know better. and i think it's pretty ridiculous to not be able to say no to peer pressure in that situation.

in any case, they got me inside despite the overpowering smell of cake. mom had been baking, and the sweet scent was enough to make me puke in the living room. but i made it to the toilet where i used it as a pillow. though i didn't get sick again.

and i woke up this morning feeling just fine except for the contacts glued into my eyes and gummed shut by sweat and makeup. the sun woke me up, coming through the skylight in the bathroom ceiling. i wobbled to bed feeling better than i should have.

i slept in later, and woke up to have coffee. and to apologize to everyone and thank them for taking care of me.

i don't know how kit did it. i would have left me in the bathroom in the club for the night. i was a sad mess.

but i survived it. without a trip to the hospital.

if i had gone to the hosptial, i could have requested a room next to my grandfather.

things are really scary with him right now. they think he has parkinsons plus dementia.

he's getting really bad, really skinny, and didn't know who i was either time i saw him.

he was so sweet to me when i was little. it's so hard to see him and know that he can't remember who i am or that he is supposed to know me.

and on the family dinner night, we kept watching his chest rise because he was sleeping with his eyes open and looked dead in the chair.

in fact, on scrabble non date night, i was talking about it to coffee and his gf.

because it was really on my mind. and now it is even more apparent that he's going to die soon.

i think about seven of the last eight trips i took home were spent in hospitals. it was a running joke for a while that i couldn't stay away. one exception was a funeral.

and the two day trip in march to announce the divorce was the other. besides that, mom had surgery, aubee had surgery, and my nice grandma had two, plus another trip.

i can't remember the others.

if he can get out of there tomorrow and into the rehab place, then it will be slightly less hospital-like. but still, a facility with nurses and doctors and monitors that beep and tick off seconds in a life that is nearing its end.

it's so sad to watch someone die this way. he's lost his will to live, and i wouldn't be surprised if it's in the next few months.

like september.

today was significant to me.

i want to tell that story.

i'm so sleepy. which is both uncommon and welcome. i need sleep. i'll process today and the rest later.

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