shrink. july 27th.

so this is the day that ever gets served. severed. severe.

and i keep hesitantly checking my email account that he uses to correspond with me. nothing.

which is fine by me.

i had to do something shitty to him today, passively. well, besides serving him divorce papers via certified mail.

i canceled his internet.

for the last three months, his internet bill has shown up to my apartment. every month he doesn't pay it.

and for the first two months, i was kind enough to tell him to pay it.

and to call and have the service put into his name.

maybe this is why i haven't heard from him yet.

because i called verizon today, when the bill i got reached $97. and told them the deal.

they canceled the account after seeing that i had moved the service.

and they wouldn't take his info to contact him. they just disconnected his service at the house.

pretty funny that he'll get something in snail mail. the tactile mail. and not be able to check or send the virtual variety.

and i refuse to feel bad about it, even though i started to. because he was warned. just like the divorce complaint, he was warned.

as for my day, i slept in, went to my shrink appointment. and on my way there, had a run-in with the landlord for our shop there. he asked if i had a minute, and i said no because i was late to my appointment. so he said kenna would fill me in.

my stomach dropped. this is not something good.

went to the shrink and called her as i left the office. they essentially terminated our contract. they got us to move into the spot they wanted us, which is causing us to hemorrhage money and lose money to operate. then yanked the rug out from under us. telling us now that there is no alternative and that we can either take it or leave it.

the fact that this schmuck has been lying to me all this time is really pissing me off. you don't start a construction project without plans. and you can't just wing it. which means that, when he gave us one days' notice to move our location, he knew that we would not be coming back.

the nerve.

and kenna's in seattle with her mother, so she can't even really process or focus on this problem.

and now what i assume will happen, is that the day chalk lands, i'm supposed to be shutting down a location, without so much as even telling all of our customers who have been there with our company for the last eighteen years.

maybe i knew. because i have been telling kenna for a year and a half now, if not longer, to close that store. instead, we stuck around so they could dick us around.

whatever. good riddance. that's what happens when a small town hospital ditches all the employees who have been around forever for new blood. new greedy blood. i don't know what they're doing with the space that was ours, but i'm sure it's a money-making scheme.

fuck em.

so that's over.

then i went to our office to tell them what had literally just happened. and shared with them my fear of job stability.

because if i lose my job right now, everything in my little world will change. i don't think kenna would do that to me. but at the same time, she's surprised me before and so i can't eliminate the possibility.

but before that adventure, i had my appointment.

it was interesting how i jumped around. i hadn't been since the beginning of may. so a lot has changed. two lawyers, filing, and ever getting served. so i covered that first.

and how i feel about not talking to him. which she says is fine. because he will either sign the paper or not. and i have no control over that. so try not to worry. and talking to him probably won't change the way he decides to handle it. and that it just stresses me out, so avoiding it isn't the worst idea.

then i talked about going home. brownies and coffee closure. all of it.

and my desire to move home.

and she asked why i want to. and after i gave her my laundry list of reasons, she said that she remembered the first time i came to see her. fresh from that december trip. and how sad i was about leaving there, and about how i didn't want to come back here. granted, that's because i didn't want to come back to ever. but regardless...

she said that it reminded her of that first visit, the way that i talked about home. and i told her my issues with moving home. the feeling of going back to something that i know. giving up on life here. that i've already done what there is to be done there. that i am giving myself lots of time to be sure. that real life won't be vacation life, but that having a town full of friends is much better than feeling like i have a town full of spies and enemies here, and only a couple friends to watch my back.

and she was as surprised as i was about coffee's girl showing up to our non-date when i was abbreviating that story for her. and interested in the way i talked about him being the only reason i'd move home, before this trip home. and how him telling me to come home lost its influence over me. and that i'd already kinda decided before he said it. and that, now, he has no bearing at all on my decision to go, because i realized when i was with him that i don't want a relationship with him. because i'd go insane.

and just before it was time to wrap up, i told her about making out with chalk while i was home. and how i felt during it. how i thought about coffee initially and how that made me feel. and how i ended up being totally into it physically and mentally. and how i struggled with my decision to not have sex with him when i was with him. and how i came back here wishing i had. and she was most surprised when i said that he was coming this weekend.

i was most interested in what she'd have to say about it.

and what she said was essentially, 'do it. and have fun.'

i let her know that i will be safe. and that i stopped the intern thing before it started because i know that he's the type i'd fall for. and how i think chalk is different from that, because that attraction is not there in the same way it is with intern.

and what she said is that it's okay to want the feelings i have right now, or physical needs, rather. in light of all the time i have gone without them, and without good sex, that it's okay to be ready for that with someone else. and all the good feelings that come along with that. and i told her that i also realized that i'm not allowed to date until valentine's day, because six months has absolutely not been enough alone time, and that maybe then, i'll still have to wait longer to let myself feel all those other lovey good feelings.

and furthermore, she said that it's okay to be excited about chalk, and to let it happen. to decide to let it happen. she commended me for taking time to think about it, not deciding in the moment that it was a good idea. and that the time i've spent thinking about it since then is a good indicator that i've thought it out and that i'm doing what is right for me.

it's funny. i've become shameless in a way.

i don't care anymore. before, i would have assumed that she'd judge me based on what i was telling her i was about to engage in. and now, i feel like i have to tell her everything so she can take the big picture into account when applying the little pictures of my life.

this is about to change me as a person. i am nearly positive it is about to create a sex crazed maniac, which makes me a little nervous.

but it's also uncharted territory for me, which i expressed to her. this is something i've never done. so, naturally, i'm a little skeptical. and nervous.

but all day, every day this week, i keep thinking about this weekend. and i can't wipe this smile off of my stupid face.

last night, in pre-visit flirting, we were chatting in fb scrabs about the visit. he said he can't live without coffee, and won't. which is pretty funny, nicknames and all. but since i'm the coffee lady, that part will be incredibly easy.

and other than that, he has no requests for his visit. i didn't tell him that i got him a present. well, twelve presents. he doesn't need to know ahead of time how much sex we could technically have, based on my own personal supply.

i wonder if i'll break my previous lifetime achievement of having sex twice in a day. i can take care of myself three times in a day, so i have a pretty good feeling that unless he's one of those tantric dudes, it could very well happen. or if i'll top the only one time i ever got off twice in the same go, back when i was all of 21.

i'm usually a quality not quantity kind of girl. but if the quality doesn't suffer, i'm not opposed for a record-breaking quantity kind of a weekend.

forty eight hours. i wonder what time his flight out is. i haven't asked yet. i figure it might be best to feel that out once he's here and we have one day under our belts. that way, if he booked a later flight and we're having a good time, we can milk it. and if it's awkward or less than awesome, i can just verify that he booked the early flight i requested, and he can occupy himself in the airport.

in chat, i told him to bring his swim trunks. i was at the community pool yesterday, and there were only a few other people there for adult swim. one was a couple, and the guy was carrying the girl in the water.

and it made me think. there is something about swimming pools that just totally turns me on. making out in a pool is like a fantasy come true. alice is having a pool party this weekend, and kit wants to go to adult swim with us this weekend.

but he came back with 'i don't have swimtrunks'. which explains a lot about him as a person, but also explains how it was that he was naked in my parents pool with nina and i the night before we flew back.

so i said that i guessed we'd have to find something else to do.

and he said we should find a hotel that has hot tubs in the rooms.

my mind and heart were racing. really? i can't even imagine that. as far as i can remember, the last time i fooled around in a hot tub was in lake tahoe eleven years ago. this boy i liked, mikey, had a hot tub in his bedroom. and bitch roommate totally invaded my space with said dude, before taking the hint and leaving.

but that was a hot night of making out, and i think fondly about rooms with hot tubs now.

i said that i didn't know where to find one of those here, that we might have to go to atlantic city for that.

and he said they have them in fla, so how can they not have them here? and also, how is it that i've never been in one?

so i said that i've never stayed in a posh hotel before. posh and swanky are not two words that are in my vocabulary.

and he said that we should do that saturday night.

which i'd honestly love. but he's already dropping cash to come up here to see me. and a posh hotel room? i mean, how much does that go for, like $300 a night? shit... i can think of so many other things to do with $300 right now.

and so i had to think of the best way to respond.

and this morning, i just said that i was on a budget, and that my bathtub probably fits two. and though there aren't jets, we're creative.

i'd already been planning a bubble bath for friday. i think the last one i had was about five years ago.

my mind has been running rampant, did i already mention that?

part of me hopes that i pick him up and there's funny air travel talk back to my apartment. but that the second i unlock the door, he just picks me up and throws me down.

part of me hopes that he doesn't waste any time in the car.

part of me hopes that we do get a hotel room. because it's all the more scandalous. if you're gonna do it, do it. right?

part of me hopes that we don't leave, except for meals and drinks.

and part of me wants to show him slivers of the city. and part of me wants to keep him in my bed.

just the thought of sleeping next to someone. it's more than i can handle sometimes. i couldn't fall asleep last night thinking about it.

ever used to make me insane. he would never hold me when i asked him to. he'd pick nights when i was completely irritated with him to try to hold me and i'd shove him off.

having a boy hold me while i try to sleep is going to be fantastic. being too excited to sleep is going to be fantastic, too.

waking up to someone after a night of craziness is going to be interesting. i guess it's been about ten years now, since i woke up next to someone the morning after. like, 'well... i hope i don't look too scary.'

i know how i look in the morning. puffy face and crazy hair and makeup everywhere. i intend to get up and shower before he even stirs, just so i don't scare the bejesus out of him.

i won't even brush my teeth, because morning breath kisses are nice. but i'll look okay when i come back to bed with a wet head and cool damp skin, wrapped in a towel. why bother with anything else?

it cannot get here fast enough. all day, it's all i think about. i can't concentrate on my work, because all i can think about it sex. and sex. and more sex.

luckily, tomorrow and thursday are long days for me. it will keep me moving and make time go by faster.

i'm going to have to be on my a-game on friday, because it's inventory.

but after that, i am not responsible for following where my body takes me.

who am i? who is this person writing this smut?

oh, right. it's me.

the girl who has been a victim of shitty sex for the last seven years. who hasn't gotten off from sex in a good five. who has had one proper makeout session in the last six years, thanks to the boy who is flying over one thousand miles for a long distance booty call.

i hope it's fun. i hope it works. i am nearly positive i won't get attached, but i'm also pretty afraid that he will. and i'm also nearly positive that there could be a second trip in his future.

but i'm getting ahead of myself.

i can't even really think about him, his face, etc. i try, but it mixes the old chalk with the new chalk. the thirteen years later chalk. i hear his voice in my head, saying things he said to me in fla when there was no space between us. i hear the little noises he makes in my ear when he's enjoying himself. he is incredibly passionate, and it's dead sexy.

and now that i've got that out of my system...

there is not much else to say. i can't keep writing all my filthy sex thoughts down here all night. and that's all that there is to do, so i suppose i will get back to flirting with him.

today was an easy day, despite the stress of that landlord bullshit.

and i'm already back in bed, where i've been since this afternoon. i can't seem to get out of my bed this week. and not in that depressed way. but in a preparatory kindof a way.

chalk can't get here fast enough. i wish he wasn't kidding on monday when i asked him if it was friday yet, and he said that it was, and that he's drunk at the airport again, to come pick him up already because he's been waiting all day.

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