sleepless. july 30th, technically.

so i made it to the day of the week known as friday.

even though i'm some sleep away from feeling like it's friday.


it is friday.

and in thirteen hours, i'll have company.


i spent all night cleaning.

it's funny...i cleaned for nina. i cleaned for my family. but this was different.

this was hiding shit like the black dinosaur computer. hiding all those boxes i have had in my living room for months. organizing the bathroom shelves and putting things under the sink so they aren't just laying willy nilly around. cleaning mirrors. setting up a nightstand on his side of the bed. taking it one step further.

what's great is that the place now smells like swiffer. my place is at its personal best. which i only thought i'd achieved before. it's a grownup apartment.


what's not great is that i missed alice's birthday celebration to clean like a fucking maniac.

i've been at it since 8. seriously. finished at about 1230.

happy birthday, alice. i'm sorry. i'll make it up to you? somehow?


and in an effort to save my body for tomorrow, to be fully in the game, i will go to sleep tonight without self indulgence.

i've been practicing all week. and i am feeling ready.

i was writing in paper journal today at work. the thing is, i think i'll probably just be the one to shove him into my apartment, in an effort to not waste any time, and to not delay the inevitable. to have my hands on a MAN. yayse.


poor landlord. he's gonna get an earful. even if we're quiet, i cannot fathom it.


kit had a guess about chalk. she thinks he'll bring me flowers. she said she knows his type. and not to get excited about it, but if it is not flowers, it will be something. she wouldn't tell me her other guesses in an attempt to not overexcite me. i told her i'm already oversmiling.

i think it's cute. i'm not a flowery kinda girl, but that would be a lovely gesture.


i'm forcing her to meet him. at some point in the weekend. because she'll like him and they'll have a lot in common. i'll hold her to one drink, aat a minimum.

i hope he isn't bored with me, or that he doesn't think i'm as dumb as i feel. he reads a lot and is in the know about all things political and current events. and i do not, and am not. i'm going to try to keep it simple. and about him.

but maybe if we just don't talk too much, then it won't really matter.


this is hopefully the only thing i will paste from him.

when i woke up today, i'd had a strange dream about the ghost. it was nice, i was with him in the dream, like he was my boyfriend. but the end of the dream was strange. he had died, and i had this wig made of weave, with tracks of his hair in it.

i don't know why.

and tonight i was having this waking nightmare of ever showing up here this weekend. because of being served. he will have my address. walking up to us. and ringing to buzzer when we run for cover. guilt, maybe?

which makes me want to steal chalk away to a beach town, or someplace far away, all the more.


last night, i went to bed as soon as i got home from kit's. we had watched the phils kill the diamondbacks, and had simultaneous laptop time. i had been writing with chalk throughout the day, and wrote "what are you doing to pass the time until you leave? this shit is taking too long... i'm getting impatient. honestly, i don't think i came back from vacation mode yet. my body is here, but my mind is elsewhere."

kit's was a story in and of itself. she took a picture because it was that retarded.

i had come home from the pool and gotten a shower. and then gotten re-dressed and put on my shoes in the dark and walked over. when i got there, i kicked off my shoes. and we went out for a smoke a long time later, and i realized that i had one teal shoe and one violet. they're two different sizes, but i still didn't notice. i'm dumb.

so i woke up and was walking out the door for work at about 840. i checked my fb email, and at 835 he'd sent me this:

"I've been going out all week with friends. Its kept me occupied for the most part so I don't just sit and obsess over the weekend ALL the time. Just most of the time. But this time tomorrow I'll be sitting all ready to go, being irritated that I got ready too early and now I just have to sit and wait to leave the house so I don't arrive more than two hours before the flight. Can't wait til tomorrow..."

so i wrote him back and went to work a little later than i wanted, even though it was dead and didn't matter.

and then, two blocks from my place, i got caught in a downpour.

weather.com said it was going to rain at noon. it was nine.

and the funniest thing was, i felt one drop. and looked up, not at the sky, but at power line level. because i couldn't figure out what could be dripping ahead of me.

yeah.

that dumb.

then the bottom fell out, and i bailed off my bike and took cover under someone's second floor alcove window. it was like a florida storm. after a couple minutes it all but stopped, and i biked to work in the sprinkles.

then a cement truck passed me on the bridge, and splashed a big dirty puddle on my legs. thanks, cement truck.

i was only damp when i got to work, but my crocs had puddles in them. it was nasty. so i had to wash my feet and dry them out before work. gross.

and it never rained after that. thanks, weather.com, for that. bastards.

didn't matter. i was still giddy and bubbling over at work.


so it is with half of a brain that i will try to go about my business tomorrow. i feel dumbed down. and really unmotivated to do anything other than chalk.


there's this fantastic breeze in this early morning hour. a low of 70. a cooler weekend. a welcome break in the summer that has been florida-like and nearly unbearable.