travel. august 22nd.

well, i will not be going home in the next month.

i just can't do it.

labor day was tempting, but in the 24 hours that i took to deliberate and decide more to go than to stay here, the ticket prices went up $100. which translates to chalk's ticket also going up $100 because he didn't get one yet.

and that is unfortunate.

because i find it unlikely that he will still come that weekend now. which means i'll have a three day weekend to sit around and stare at the walls.

it's funny. had i applied the same logic to this trip as i applied to the trip home at christmas, i'd have decided yesterday, and i'd be doing something.

now i'm doing nothing.

in any case, it's sunday at 520. and this weekend of nothingness has somehow managed to slip past me. i thought that laying around a lot and doing things at home would make it drag on.

but i can't believe it is almost over. and i have a stack of four packages to send out. and not much else to show for my weekend.

oh, my summer mix is what i consider to be done. so that is awesome.

now i have to take the packages to the post office, because they'll all be heavier with the summer mix in them.

a good problem to have, i suppose.

last night was interesting.

kit and i met kim out. and mel joined as well.

it was funny. we mostly sat around talking about fuck buddies. melissa and i are from the same mindset. coming out of bad seven year relationships where we weren't fulfilled. and from the previous mentality that bed buddies were the last thing we were interested or okay with.

but now, we find ourselves tiptoeing into the pool. and being completely out of touch with the new rules of dating that came about when we were devoted. and we're both okay with the idea of buddies now.

but she asked a lot of the same questions i've been asking kit over the last few months, while i was getting used to the idea, but also not knowing what i was getting into.

so it was, over three beers a piece, that we discussed loudly how we can just sleep with whoever we want, and go home. and maybe never sleep with them again, or maybe sleep with them for days at a time. but that they aren't really 'ours'. the only difference between us is that she likes women and i like men.

and she suggested that we be each others' wingmen. which could be fun.

she said she'd love to help me find someone. i'm not really good at matching, and i'm oblivious, but i'd do my best. put my best foot forward.

and so it was that i was the first to leave. after a couple southhampton double whites which set me on my ass. they ordered a third for me when i was in the bathroom, and kim drank more than half for me, as i was already dropping everything on the ground, twisted.

and i smoked a lot of cigarettes and bumbled five doors down, home. and went up the stairs thinking, 'dear god. i am drunk.'

and took out my contacts after almost forgetting. and laid down in bed, setting the thermostat accidentally to FREEZING. and bumped it up, but not nearly enough.

and bed spins. ugh. it only kindof snuck up on me. and maybe i should have stayed a bit longer with them, to be upright and comfortable in my inebriation. but in bed, i hung a leg off the side of the bed for grounding purposes. and laid flat on my back, hoping it would all pass. because i hate nothing more than throwing up, and i am usually pretty awesome at cutting myself off before i get to that point. i did not get sick, by some miracle.

and i knew i'd feel silly in the morning, but i sent chalk a little note that i thought would be cute, but that came out all wrong, and when i re-read it again this morning, i thought i sounded too demanding, and something else. was it bitchy? was it mean?

regardless, i must've hit send and then closed blacktop. because chalk wrote back one minute later, and i didn't see it til today.

i waited out the spins, and i guess i fell asleep, because i woke up at 5 and got water and went back to sleep.

and woke up feeling fine.

after a coffee and a half, i had another headache. again, with the headaches getting really old.

and went to at&t.

and with a new sim card, the reader isn't working. so back to apple, where shawn from last night came to my rescue. i didn't have an appointment, which is unacceptable in the apple store. but i was asking my question about testing the sim card reader. and check-in boy didn't know.

so he asked other dude. who also didn't know. and shawn interrupted. took the phone away to reboot it. which didn't work.

so the verdict is that something happened to the phone when the tray broke. so it doesn't work. and won't. because it costs $199 to fix. which is a whole new phone.

the only hope for the phone is if it's covered by the warranty.

and if not, it's dead where it lays.

maybe some day when i have an extra $100 laying around and nothing to spend it on, i'll do this the right way. get an upgrade if that is even possible. i tried to go through the motions today to see how much it would cost, and it only showed iphone 4. there was no option for iphone 3.

so i'm back to my belief system that i am just not supposed to own an iphone.

and my replacement phone is already glitching out on me after a couple weeks of having it.



and then, other random thing for the day.

i woke up and was looking around fb. and coffee's girl posted some pics. she was talking about an island adventure. but didn't mention him, so i thought that it was a girls' weekend. and looked at some pics.

sure enough. there's coffee looking adorable on the beach with his bandaged pinky finger. being generally silly and cute.

to not really think about him much, and to not really fb stalk him much, it made me feel a little sad.

maybe, if for nothing else, because he looks happy. and i always kinda hoped i'd be the only person to make him truly happy.

even if i have completely realized that he is not the one for me. there's still something to feel sad about every once in a while.

and it was on the heels of drinking that beer last night. and it was also on the heels of a two minute discussion about believing in finding 'the one'. which kit doesn't believe in. and which i would have said that i did, had things gone my way in florida a couple months ago. but that trip made me question my belief in it. well, not the whole trip. but specifically, the time i spent with him while i was there.

maybe this miniature sadness these past few weeks is something to do with that.

giving up hope on the fairy tale ending. i didn't get married and run off into the sunset, eternally happy. forever.

and when i ditched ever, and revisited that boy i just can't seem to not revisit, he didn't sweep me off my feet, or say that he was waiting for me, or tell me that i was the one who made him happiest.

put simply, this is all a reality check. vacation time is over. i wasted it all. i mean, i had the most amazing vacation ever. but it came at a high price, namely having no more vacation time. the newness of my freedom is starting to wear off. the excitement of being out whenever i want, and drinking as much as i want, when and where i want is starting to feel more like a drinking problem than anything else.

and i realize that i really don't have anything that i'm creating or producing right now. i'm writing these posts nearly daily. but what am i really saying? nothing profound. nothing new. it's all recycled.

and negative.

i talked to my mom for a while today, trying to figure out when to go home. decided against going home at all before october. and she is the one who said the thing about the sadness being from the excitement wearing off.

and that i shouldn't say six months or one year. because it's a grieving process and because i will only know when i am ready. it doesn't feel so much like grieving to me. but the excitement wearing off thing makes perfect sense.

and you know what i get for fb stalking while taking a break while writing this?

this is what i get:

that new group of people who is in ever's fold. main dude. his name is andy. he's adorable. nate concurs.

i was looking through his pictures. and what do i see? him. in the place in florida where ever and i got married.

i was looking, and it was someone's wedding pictures. and i thought, 'no. surely not. that's the art center.'

and then looked through the rest of the pics in that album.

sure enough. the guy is from the suburb i was born in. and their wedding was funky, like ours.

i only hope their marriage is happier than ours, and that the place wasn't cursed or something.

it was strange to see another couple getting married where we did.

without rain.

it was how ours was supposed to be.

so, yeah.

that's what i get for looking at boys i have no business looking at. pictures from over the years. thinking, through them, 'man, it's too bad. because he is adorable, and is always being crazy and having fun. i'd love to hang out with him.'

i see him, transplanted into the place i'm from, back in 07 before ever and i knew him, at a wedding in a mayan temple, where ours was four years before.

and there is just too much wrong with that. i need to sign off now.

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