do nothing girl. august 28th.

back in the prime of crazy tea, there was this girl. she was one of three heathers that i was around at the time. one day, at the place where coffee worked, we decided to start a band with a couple of other boys there.

and it was all very thought out. i mean, we had the name, and all the random bullshit really well thought out. of course, being the writer, i had a few 'songs' that i'd written. really just poetry from the time that sucked that i thought would suffice. in my defense, i thought my writing was super profound at the time.

in any case, we had this one practice set up. it was to be the first time the boys brought their instruments and heather and i pulled out our words and started messing around with composition.

i don't remember who the boys were now, but there was music played, and i thought it was decent, and then heather pulled out this thing she'd written.

it was called 'do nothing girl'.

and i have it now, tucked in the sketchbook journal from that phase. off the top of my head, all i remember is that it said something about drawing wedding invitations when she'd only just met him or something like that.

and the whole thing was a big dis. it was slam poetry, though not in the usual sense of the phrase.

and i think it took a couple weeks after having it to realize that it was about me.

needless to say, it was our only practice. she thought i was completely full of shit. and maybe i was, but my intentions were good, and i was really excited.

today, i did nothing.

i got in late after a party, around 3 by the time my car was parked. and i took some fake tylenol because i couldn't find my motrin. my head was already hurting, and i knew i'd be up after 10 today, so i knew i'd wake up with a nasty coffee headache.

and i did. after 10. and made myself go back to snoozing until 11. and then again, while i brewed coffee.

so i got up, made my coffee, and got back into bed.

then i sat online for a while, like i always do.

and then i cleaned for a while, thinking about chalk, i guess. because last time, it snuck up on me. i didn't clean the weekend before enough, and had a lot to do the day before he got here.

so this time, i just told myself i'd get the majority of it done today, so that friday is easier.

and from yesterday afternoon, after work and happy hour with kit, and all day today, i just kept thinking, 'this time next weekend...' thoughts.

last night was awesome. it didn't start out that way. but it ended up that way. i had a lot of fun. i forget sometimes that i am incredibly awkward in social settings when i don't know people. and it probably takes a couple beers to get back to the place i was in those old coffee days, where i would float from table to table, striking up conversation with perfect strangers effortlessly. i didn't care what they thought of me. and i was good at it.

so i think i'd had four beers in total before that started to happen last night. two with kit at 5. and then two more after i got there at around 8.

kit had other plans, and i guess i'd usually just stay in if i didn't have plans with her. but i decided to go to a bbq with kim, and she agreed to go dancing with me after. so i was supposed to bring a six pack of beer with me. from the bar near the party. only i know that a six pack of beer is the same as a twelve pack of beer from a beer store. so i went to the beer store.

and that is how i accidentally bought a case of beer.

i mean, i was nearly positive that it was a case. but i was also a little surprised when i opened the box and there was more than just two six packs inside.

so i opened the box and unloaded half into the trunk of my car, and took more than double what was requested to the party. which was just fine by me. i didn't know what to expect, and i thought it was a nice gesture, since i didn't know anyone there.

so i got there, and took a look around. and it was an interesting crowd. kim's a phd, so i was thinking that there would be people there who were like her, and also into craft beer. but it wasn't really that type of crowd. it wasn't quite squatter punk, but it wasn't a collection of people who brought beer over either.

so everything went into the cooler and after i'd had two beers, all the beer i brought was gone.

by that point, i was beyond sufficiently drunk. i had started drinking at four, without taking longer than a two hour break, so i knew i was in a bit of trouble. i had driven there, and wanted to go home, but was not okay to drive.

so i waited it out, started snacking. eventually i got a powerade and pulled myself together. i was feeling totally straight by the time the second wave of the party started.

kim and i had debated going to a bar, going to her place, or going dancing. because i'd gotten up at 545, i was beat. sitting felt good. and dancing sounded like too much effort. plus we were both broke, so we didn't really want to pay $8 to go somewhere for a couple hours.

so we stayed put.

i'd been talking to her friend lauren, who also got out of a seven year relationship after buying a house with the guy, who she was not married to. so when i was at the peak of my drunkenness, we were telling our similar stories. i wasn't slurring, but i couldn't focus on her face really without her blurring.

then she walked off and went back to having a conversation with kim and the first set of people all bailed. and there were just a couple of us there. and then there were nine of us there.

there were two boys. one who had been there, with some girls who were annoying me, from the beginning. he was really cute. beard, dark hair, shorter guy, nice skin, very quiet.

and i watched him, and smoked near him a couple times (which is what a shy girl does when she doesn't want the boy to know that she thinks he is hot). and he didn't really acknowledge me, so i didn't do anything. then he left 'for five minutes', to walk the girls somewhere. and came back over an hour later, completely shitfaced. being loud and obnoxious. singing sugar ray and something else unbearbly loud to the sky above us. and no one could get him to shut up. he was being a total dick.

and i was really glad that i didn't make anything resembling a move when he was just a couple beers in because he was a fucking nightmare.

but then, he put on i care because you do (aphex twin), and played the song i had on a mix for nina from our glory days. it is fantastic. i was whistling, and he was drunkenly singing the sounds.

whatever. it was his redeeming moment, but he went right back to being an asshole after that.

so these two boys show up. one's all hipstered out with a melt banana tee, and i was thinking 'i bet i'm the only person here who even knows who that is'. and his friend was adorkable (to completely steal nate's phrase), a cute, in a way that i find endearing.

and we were all talking and eating and smoking, and he started making jokes that were cracking me up. and singing beastie boys. i don't know. everything he did made me laugh. and at different times, other people thought he was funny, too. but he would look at me after saying something funny, and i'd be laughing. it was cute.

and then it was getting really late, and i asked kim what we were doing. she wanted to stay a bit longer, so i grabbed a pbr for each of us and i commenced round three of drink fest. i knew that i could only have one, and then some water, to be able to drive. so i did.

and the host wanted to play apples to apples. i had never heard of this before. but confused it with the scrabble game that has playing cards. anyways, it's this game where you have an adjective that is the category. and in your hand you have seven cards. random things. nouns, proper nouns, etc. and you submit a card for the category.

i won the 'feminine' card by turning in poodles.

there were some hilarious submissions. especially from the boy i was eying. and we played that for probably an hour. then some more retardedly drunk people showed up and it was after 2 and i said i was ready to make my move toward home.

so it started off awkwardly. i wanted to leave at about the 30 minute mark, the one hour mark, the two hour mark.

then i was too drunk, and then it became fun.

so that was my night. it took at least 30 minutes to park. it was awful.

and i'd told kit yesterday that i had been wanting to take the business sticker off the back of my car lately, but didn't have a straight edge to do it.

and then today, when i went to get my car and bring it closer, and to get all that extra beer out of my trunk, i walked up behind my car and didn't see the sticker.

and i panicked. at first, i thought that kit came by and did it for me. but then thought that my car was too far away for her to even pass it. and then i thought, 'oh shit. ever.'

and my mind was racing. get a restraining order. what the fuck. how did he find the car. when did he come by. did i just not notice it. has it been gone a while. what the fuck???

and that was the drive for the four blocks. i resolved to get my phone and ask kit if she had done it when i got back inside the apartment. and i got out and parked the car. i felt sick, completely. i guess i've had some time alone this weekend, and i untagged myself in all the pictures that had him in it. and it was all on my mind.

when i went to get the beer out of the trunk, i looked down.

and the sticker was totally still there.

i guess i have the writer's sticker on one side. and it's on the part of the glass that you see through. and on the other side, the business sticker was not on the clear glass, but on the blacked out part. and it's a black sticker. so somehow i wasn't looking in the right place when i didn't see it and commenced the freakout.


i felt sick for a while after realizing i'd just tripped out for no reason at all.

now it has passed. but i wanted to write it out.

because i do this pretty often. it wasn't a panic attack. but it could have been. i think if the sticker had really been gone, it would have been a full on panic attack. i'm just so afraid of him seeing me or being over in my neighborhood or being around. and that totally fed my fear. like he'd sought out the car.

in seeing the pictures today, and untagging, i realized how strange i look in some of them. happy, unhappy. heavier, thinner. what i'm wearing. how unflattering my glasses are. how awesome my family is. some made me laugh. the pictures of my dog made me want to cry.

she's so cute. i miss her terribly.

and when i got to the wedding pictures, i thought, 'he used to be so cute. he used to be someone i wanted to marry. at some time, he was.' but then it got to the later pictures, and i couldn't even feel that or see that anymore. and maybe it's because i think about where i was emotionally/mentally the day the picture was taken. the ones with my family made me think of his incessant bitching about having my family come back and how overbearing they were and how they drove him crazy. so i see his fake smile in those pictures and i look tired, probably from overthinking, and it just made me really sad. he took them for granted, and now they're not his anymore.

but yeah. i did nothing today. and now i'm supposed to go to lauren's going away party (from work. there are too many laurens in my life right now), and i'm not really feeling like it. i am ready to go. makeup and hair and all. but after last night, i guess i am worn out and i was content to sit in silence for most of the day today.

i listened to joanna newsom a little. on ep's worth. and then tried to find a good video of gogol bordello live to send to nina, but ended up watching like thirty videos that weren't so great. and found nothing to send her way.

and then, just before i moved the car, i got struck with inspiration.

i don't know how, but i went to the writer's facebook page. and then his website, because he's having a show soon, and i wanted to see if he had the pictures online.

and he didn't. but i went through his links. thinking, if these people inspire him, and he inspires me, i should probably see what they are.

and there were a few people who were kinda vanilla. nothing as compelling as what he does. one girl had some cool stuff on etsy. not really for me. but nice anyways.

and then there was this guy. another photographer.

and how i found him was that he photographed the writer. just one picture. and he looks so tired and so sad, and that's how he looked when i saw him, but the photo was just beautiful. the thing is that the guy works in the camera store that he frequents, and took a picture of him and wrote a little thing about him, which is why he had the link on his site.

so then i start going through this guy's stuff.

a lot of landscapes. which don't do much for me, but they were really good. his portraits were awesome.

and then there's this series. i had to do all this research and read his blog a little to get what was happening. but they're taken with a pinhole camera. and now i absolutely have to buy one.

i don't know how it works. i mean, i get the pinhole part, but not how the film works. i'll look into it.

but his pinhole photos are just mindblowing. not all of them. but most of them. really really awesome stuff.

so i lost about an hour of my day looking at this guy's stuff.

totally worth it.

and now, i'm going to grab my camera. and try to get myself together enough to go to lauren's party. maybe it's because i don't want to say goodbye to her, but i don't feel like going.

maybe part of it, too, is knowing that she has friends who work with ever. and i really don't want to see them. they're the lesbians who want to kick my ass. i hope hope hope they aren't there.

and last night, funny guy was talking about self defense with kim. and they were discussing using your keys as a weapon, which we've talked about quite a bit in recent months. and then he said, if you're getting attacked, you won't really have time to aim for eyes or neck or face with your key in your hand.

he said, 'your best defense is just to run. just run. if someone is coming after me, i'm just going to run.'

and if i'm being chased by an angry mob of lesbians tonight, that is precisely what i'll do. they could kill me in a matchup.

but i can run.

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