deep breath. september 7th.


that's right. three days of work. then off to dark sky star party part two.

and i just checked the weather.

and apparently there's a cold front coming through.

it's going to be 59 on friday, 69 on saturday, and 67 and raining on sunday.

which is how it was the first time - packing up the tent and driving home in stormy weather.

the lows at night? 45 on friday, 51 on saturday.

i'm so fucking EXCITED.

c'mon clear skies.

i guess that is what i'm gearing up for now.

the inspector didn't come today. the sink part is coming in this week, possibly tomorrow.

i don't know how i'm going to attach the thing, but i'll worry about that once it shows up.

i'm on my way to being prepared for the inspection, whenever that horse decides to pop back in.

i got a lot done today, and am doing my best for the rest.

it's all i can do. that, and try not to worry like i did this weekend.

so one thing i didn't get to write about last night, in an effort not to think about it before trying to sleep was the interesting fact that i got the marital separation agreement in my email yesterday when chalk was still here.

(update: he did book a ticket and made it home on time)

so i looked through it last night. all 15 pages. and it's mostly legal mumbo jumbo, but typical shit.

and the only thing i was really interested in was how the business, the car, and mostly the house was handled.

here i go again.

it basically says he leaves the car out of it. and i leave the business out of it.

great. whatever.

but the house is set to go on the market on april fools day, 2012.

there's no detail about what happens or when the price drops. only that an appraiser will be agreed upon.

i do not want to wait that long, but he said that two years from the separation is a good rule of thumb, and it details him being able to buy my interest in the house, that he's responsible for all of it, and that he has until then to buy it. and that the debt is split 50/50 from the credit card, and that my parents get paid back.

i need to map out the 'what happens after it's listed' part of things.

and think about it.

i'm leery of moving home before it's settled, but i don't think i want to be here for two years. so it's lose lose for me.

if he doesn't sign the initial agreement, then i get ballsy and it will go to court. which i really don't want. and saying as he doesn't have a lawyer for the cheap part, i doubt he'll want it to go to court.


i don't want to think about it. really. honestly.

let's get this show on the road already.

and speaking of shows on the road...

star party!

the drive up and back will be tolerable with kit's company and our new road trip mixes. i'm tired still from the short drive of half the distance to the mountains this weekend, but time with kit will move more quickly than time with chalk did. better conversation and all...

in re-reading, i guess that i left out quite a bit. and part of what i missed will be caught as time goes on. remembering little things.

to say a little more about his incessant loud talking at bars:

i guess the beer conversation was the one that got to me. maybe it was because i was scoping out cute boys. and that he doesn't care where we are when he canoodles with me. but the biggest thing was that we were sitting at a bar that had open door-sized windows facing the street. and there were tables on the sidewalk outside the window.

he was talking loudly because we were in a loud bar. but projecting our voices out. and i knew that the people at the two tables outside were getting blasted with his high volume pontification.

and using that word reminds me of the other part i took issue with. he uses big words all the time. i know a lot of smart people who do. but when we're in bed talking, there's really no need for that. and his choices of conversation topics also made me feel like there was no space for me to talk at all. and that, if i'd cut him off, i'd have nothing to say anyway that he would find remotely interesting, or that he wouldn't spend a chunk of a while adding to.

i don't know. i knew before this trip that i wouldn't me any more smitten with him and that i wouldn't be any more inclined to think of him as someone i'd date when i went home.

but i guess i wonder who knows on the florida end of the line that he has come to see me twice. and i became totally disenchanted with him on sunday afternoon.

his talking was a turn off by the end of his trip. and honestly, i was a little relieved for a lack of last minute pre-airport sex, because his stress plus work stress made me not want any more.

i don't care that you have a knack with people's cats and dogs. i don't care that you are smarter than your professors and that it's your excuse for not going to school in the first place, and refusal to go back at this stage in your life.

and not working? same rings true.

it's a lot of heat coming from a place that was paved with good intentions and desire to have sex with someone who isn't a stranger.

but it was nice for him to say that i'm good in bed. because i feel like he knows. and he said, 'part of it is me. but most of it is you. and all of it is us.'

what i kept thinking of, before he got here, and for those first couple days, was that it's chemistry.

it's chemistry in the way that people talk about it, that i haven't experienced in a long time. not since the days of dub and the sun.

i'm okay with hanging up my fuck buddy for now. and dealing with redlining on my own, or giving myself permission to seek it out, up here, with someone local. or, like i said, getting to the point i got to again, where it's been a while, and we meet somewhere that is neither here nor there, and for only two nights. where i have a full day to recover, alone.

analytics taught me yesterday that i have a couple new readers.

again, with the details to you who do not know me.

i doubt you'd ever go back in time to know how i ended up at this point.

leaving my husband in my early thirties taught me that i didn't hate sex. i wasn't right when i said i didn't need it. i just didn't want it with him, and it took six months of being utterly alone before i realized that i actually do want it. all the time. and that it could be better with anyone but him.

and as the divorce proceedings are carried out, i suppose i'll eventually be free from him.

yesterday was the six month mark of the day i moved out. and in one week from today, it will be seven months since we agreed to split.

it sounds like not a long time now, writing it. but it feels like forever.

and i need it to be done.

aside from that, work will hopefully go okay the next three days, so i can get the fuck out of dodge and go to the beautiful state park in northern pennsylvania, where there are no cell phones, no internet, and no light pollution.

i'll hope for some northern lights, i suppose. and for some kind soul to let us see things through their telescopes.

because the $400 i've saved up for my trip home shouldn't be spent on a telescope at the star party.

i'm proud of myself.

i'm glad i am getting back on track financially.

i'm glad that i'm going out less. because the novelty was starting to wear off.

i'm glad that i'm still learning. i am glad that i know who i am, at this point in my life.

what i want. what i need. what to look for when i eventually let myself date, in as little as six months.

it's okay that i still think about coffee occasionally, and wonder if his live in girlfriend who is twelve years younger than him is starting to drive him a little crazy. if their relationship is starting to crumble.

and it's more than okay that all it would mean to me, if it did, is that i could kiss him if i wanted to and leave it at that.

keeping it in the family is what he called it.

random, i know. the thought was random. i haven't spent any amount of time thinking about it. just occasionally when she posts something on fb that catches my attention and reminds me that i only see it because she is with him. maybe it's because chalk brought his name up a couple times this trip and a few times the last trip. as if to remind me that he sees him and interacts with him. as if that, like the talking, makes him a more attractive option for me.

it really doesn't. i'd never do that. if someone is a thorn in his side, it's the last thing that i'd bring up. even if it's only a name drop. not that coffee is a thorn in my side, but it's still a sore subject, i guess.

maybe i'm only thinking of him becuase of the upcoming star party. because i only hope that someday i find a boy who enjoys the sky as much as i do, like he did. it was the thing i think of when i remember the time i spent with him. and maybe that is what i miss more than any other aspect of the desire to rekindle with him.

maybe it was the chill in the air this weekend that brings about a mental and emotional change in me that i can't help but to go through.

i'm growing and changing and learning. and i refuse to beat myself up about where my mind wanders as summer turns to fall.

i fear falling this fall. i fear getting to know that boy conor a little better, hopefully. and though i still think of intern in passing, i could never make that move with him. not knowing how stressed out i got this weekend with a florida friend in tow, walking around phila for anyone and everyone to see.

and maybe when i'm with a guy that i am attracted to in more than just a physical chemistry way, i'll finally be able to get off again. because when you can't, when you've had the best sex of your life to date, there's something wrong with that.

someday i'll let go. and there will be fireworks again.

but for tonight, i'll sleep alone, gladly. and i won't be sad (gasp!) that there's no one here in my bed that i want to be sleepless next to.

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