flashforward. sept 30th.

end of month.

and the turning of a new leaf in a way.

with work, specifically. but i may or may not get to that here.

first, i haven't written in a few days.

here's your debriefing.

i was hooked on finishing the first season of flashforward. thinking that season two would be starting about now.

and imagine my disappointment when i watched the cliffhanger finale, only to find out that the show had been canceled.

no surprise there, really. the acting was shit.

but i had hoped for some resolution, and there was very little.

the thing about that show is that it really honed in on the fact that every seemingly insignificant decision we make, all day, every day, can have a profound effect on our lives.

and it's something i think about often. and that i have blogged about since the beginning of blogger time.

every time i put on my bike helmet, i think about the fact that it could be the day i get hit by a car. when i say later, 'if only i had taken the bus'.

or every time i sit on my stoop to smoke, i think about the people who are passing me while i'm reading. and think, 'he could have been the one i want to be with next'.

every time i think about leaving ever. and what could have happened if i had stayed and stuck it out for a bit longer. or left sooner, and had words back in december.

or just kissed people when i really really wanted to.

or hit on boys that i thought were cute.

or expressed interest bluntly.

or asked someone to hang out.

it seems like the unrealized opportunities are piling up for me.

forking paths, they called it on that show.

and sometimes, no matter what you do differently, you end up in the same place. sometimes you end up in the same place, under different circumstances. and sometimes you miss the boat completely. and end up somewhere else. or sometimes you miss the boat you were trying to catch, and end up in the same place much later than you'd hoped to arrive.

i am having a hard time staying positive lately.

i have been sad for a long time, and unmotivated for a long time. and that is a very hard cycle to break.

when kit and i went unicorn hunting the other night, i left a note for robbie. and he called me on monday when he got the mail.

after months of not talking, he called and talked to me for over an hour. about my life and his life and how crazy and bad things are, how he tries to think they'll get better, yet somehow, every day, something else goes wrong.

he's so funny. laughing at his own situation, and trying to put mine into perspective to lighten things up a bit. and he kept saying, about himself, 'am i retarded? i must be retarded. because there is no other reason i would keep killing myself to do this!'

i feel like that all the time.

and say it all the time.

and the sandlot: 'i think he's retarded or sumthin.'

but hearing robbie say it made it even funnier. and i'm laughing now, hearing him say it in my mind.

which is a bit troubling. i have been doing that more often lately.

cracking myself up when i'm alone.

thinking of something from my day that was funny. especially when i'm walking or biking alone. and really fighting it.

i don't much care when i'm here writing it out, cracking up.

like now. cracking up. kim told a story at work. we often tip each other off when the bathroom should be avoided. and a couple days ago, she was like, 'oh. it was the worst.'

and launched into a story about this girl walking in while she was in the bathroom, yanking on her stall door (there are three others), and promptly puking all over the floor. and how there were three other toilets and two garbage cans that would have sufficed.

and how she left, without doing a thing. and how she memorized her flip flops and blue toenail polish.

and how she told the guard, and some girl had told him that there was a mess in the bathroom. and how it could only have been the puker who told him.

silly shit.

but making me look like the crazy person i am. making me laugh when i go into that bathroom. just thinking of how kim told the story.

i'm still laughing about garbage sandwiches. just yesterday, i made a pb&j from the heels of the loaf at work. wrapped it up in foil and ate it when i got home. and i started laughing while i was making it. and kim said, 'you're laughing at yourself, aren't you?' especially the part today when she asked if i paid for that sandwich.

which cracked me up then, and on my way home, and home in bed while i was eating it. and again today. and even now.

to say that work this week has been redonculous would be an understatement. i have put up with so much bullshit. and so much drama. and i've had my fill. and i snapped yesterday. and i snapped again today.

and shit is about to change. and crystal and dan will probably be fired sooner rather than later.

i don't think i can handle getting into it right now. talking to kit at the bar tonight, my heart started racing, telling the stories, because i am still so mad.

i'll wait.

i want to get back to rob. and then i need to get into the divorce. and the wedding.

so when i was talking to rob, i told him about needing a change. that i come home from work, and get into bed, and drink a couple beers, and don't get out until work in the morning.

and that i'd love to help him. to volunteer to help in any way i can. even if it's picking up food so he can get a nap.

and so he agreed to let me help the office girl, though he didn't know what to have me help with.

so i went the next day, wednesday, yesterday.

and i was there for a couple hours. i was tired. and when i got home, i did miss the time i'd lost. but it was nice to help and it was nice to be out of my apartment and out of bed, and nice to not have a beer until after 8.

so i think i'll help him once a week, maybe twice. it depends. i can't commit to any days, because my life is constantly changing and i'm a commitment phobe.

i had missed my friend. and it was really sweet to talk to him and catch up, even though neither of us had good news for the other. it was nice to commiserate, i guess.

now. onto the wedding.

so tomorrow is the wedding in dc.

i still do not want to go. but in light of the big girl pants i'll be putting on in the morning, i'm going.

i'm making myself do it.

i know it will be fun, because ash and dave are two of the most awesomely fun people i have ever known. they're silly and hilarious, and wonderful and sweet. and because they rule, their friends are awesome. i mean, i am. just kidding. no i'm not. just kidding.

so even though i don't have any friends who will be there, i know i'll make a couple. and hopefully see a few people from their christmas party i hiked to in the blizzard. because that night was a lot of fun, after it really kinda wasn't.

i guess there are a few sources of the anxiety.

for one, i know that ever has had the paperwork for a week. and asked the lawyer. who said nothing yet.

after 90 days of nothing yet, we can go to court.

but i really REALLY don't want that.

so every day, i check all of my email accounts, fearing that there's something from him flipping his shit, or from my lawyer saying he's lost his mind.

that's background stress. this week, it feels like it's noise being blasted from a loudspeaker all day every day. i think about it during any lull in my day. and in the shower in the morning, which is the worst possible way to start my day.

add to that the nightmare that i had the other night.

it was the first time i can remember that i woke up in a cold sweat from a nightmare about ever and the divorce. something about selling the house, and him showing it to people without agreeing to sell it. and then i went there, and worked with two of the girl interns, and then the lawyer came home. or paralegal, rather. and i realized that one of the interns lived there. she came out of the room that was our bedroom.

i can't explain it. it was like i was cleared to be there. because ever had a box of random shit there for me. but i was talking to people i used to hang out with, and then i crossed some invisible line that i wasn't allowed to cross. and then the lawyer said something about my ipod being up for grabs. and i stood up and went off on him about the house and the business being up for grabs and i woke up. and ever was just about to arrive in the dream.

so that effected my subconscious as well as my everyday self. and it took the better part of a day to shake that off. and by that night, i was still thinking about the nightmare. but i woke up sick. and cold sweat-y. it was awful.

and i guess that i just am afraid to go to a wedding. i know it's somewhat illogical. but it's how i feel. maybe i don't want to see other people find it and be happy in it. maybe now i just want everyone to be alone and sad like i am from time to time.

i found out tonight that the boy bartender i've been eying is engaged.

and i don't know why, but just like coffee, he's with a girl who is very young. and because i thought i waited so long, young marriages and relationships seemed doomed from the start to me.

and in the age of facebook, it seems like no one would get married. that everyone would get divorced. because now the possibilities are endless.

and every fork in the road, and every decision we make can be undone, or revisited.

this is my life. it probably is the only one that i will and have lived.

i know that the time is coming where i will take the reins and steer it in a new direction.

but until that happens, it feels best more often than not to sit and judge other relationships. and wonder how many people sat in judgment of mine. before it happened. while it was happening.

and who knows now, and says, 'i knew it wouldn't work. she had it all wrong.'

am i going to end up where i was suppposed to end up? did i just take a ten year detour? will i find the ending, or the next part, where i find the person i'm going to spend the next chunk of time with? will it be at the end of my life, in the beginning, or the middle?

will i be smart enough to realize it when it's happening? or will i have my nose in a book, oblivious to the boy who just passed me by.

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