awake in the rain. sept 26th.

it's my dad's birthday.

it's sunday.


i woke up sad, almost crying even. and this is what's on my mind:


first, there was work stress. place an order. what did i forget? and the health department. always living in fear. plus the irrational fear that i've overslept for work on a sunday.


the dream i woke up from finally was about the wedding i'm going to this friday. the end was funny. i was crying because it was so sweet and cute. i don't know. dave got ash a ms pac man arcade game. i have no idea where that came from. but they were married and then he wheeled it in as a surprise.

before that, i was having nightmares that i don't remember now.

and i was tangled up in cords in bed, because i fell asleep watching tv on blacktop and the headphones and charger were mixed up with me and the sheets. i guess i was just really uncomfortable, so i tossed and turned a lot, woke up and went back to sleep a lot.


but more than anything, i think it's the ever stuff. mixed up with the wedding.

i really do not want to go to this wedding. going alone is about the most depressing thing that i can think of, in the middle of getting a divorce.

i don't want to make the drive down. it will probably be about seven hours start to finish. google maps says four hours, but i know better than that.


but it's the first wedding i've believed in for many years. and i know it will be a lot of fun. if i can just get myself there.

i was laying in bed, half awake, thinking that i have nothing to wear. which may or may not be true. i can't remember the last wedding i went to. really. cannot. i know ever and i went to when's wedding. and also to brownie's sister's wedding. but missed the ceremony so i don't count it.

ah. got it.

friend's wedding here. yes. the only wedding in phila. i don't know if i believed in that one though. i feel like they broke up just before getting engaged due to religious differences in how they'd want to raise a family. but it's one of those things where they've been together and living together for something like 15 years. and so i guess i did believe in it. they wanted a kid i guess. she was pregnant within a couple months of being married.

haven't seen or heard from them since the wedding.


this is all irrelevant. i think i fear that i'm not ready for a wedding. i don't know. if i think of it like a party, where two awesome friends are throwing a super fun party, it will be fine.

but just like i knew i couldn't handle her bachelorette party before i moved out, i worry that this will be a big problem for me.


and i think about saying i can't go. but i just can't do it. i have to go.

and to be independent and determined (and, yes, stubborn), i want to drive down, be there for a little while, and drive back.

i don't want to complicate kit's weekend, i don't want to crash with her sister post-wedding in dc. if i'd met her before, maybe. but i don't know what time it would be when the wedding reception is over. and i don't want to impose.

i don't know. kit's trying to help me like always, and make it easier on me, because she knows where i am with this. but i hate complicating things. i just need to do this and be done with it.


and then there's the little root canal tomorrow.

i have been a lazy bum this weekend. my credit card is still at bbq house. and i still haven't gotten it back, or made an effort to. and i will most likely have to do that today.

money stress, too. added into the mix.


just super stressed.


and the thing i somehow spaced on mentioning when writing about the show the other night, was what kicked off the stress for going.

the thief who stole all that money from our company. i had a feeling she was going to be there, because she loves them. and so i was afraid of running into her. and i guess that's why i went into the night already worried and anxious.

luckily, i didn't see her. i don't know if she was there or not. but i didn't have to see her, so that was a huge relief.


i'd better call my dad soon, so i don't forget. i already placed that order, so i can put that aside.

it's been a music weekend again. and it's been nice to watch tv shows online, too. helps take my mind off things i guess. even if it goes right back in between shows.

the new modern family was awesome. i really love that show. i've never seen a bad episode, and there was a part in this one where i was hysterical, couldn't see the screen because i had tears in my eyes from laughing so hard.

really well done.

and then, out of boredom mostly, i went back to watching that show flash forward. i like the idea of it, even if the acting isn't so hot. so i got about halfway through the first season back at the house, and picked it up again this weekend.

more out of curiosity for what they do to end the season. i doubt it will be back for season two. seems like it would have been canceled.


i woke up today with the song 'no one's gonna love you' by band of horses stuck in my head. it's so sad and his voice is just amazing. really love that song. and i watched a bunch of live videos of them. and that led to davendra barnhart. yesterday was morrissey/the smiths, with lcd soundsystem live stuff mixed in. and more beirut.
i keep running into people who remind me of morrissey, so i listen to them all together to see if i'm right or making it up. i'm convinced that i'm not making it up.


and kit went for a ride to the bakery with me last night to try to pin down the unicorn. he wasn't there. i left a little note this time.

and we listened to lcd in the car for that ride, too. i was super bummed to not find him there. and i cannot for the life of me figure out why he isn't trying to be in contact with me. it really shocks me that i haven't talked to him since nina was here, and i talked to him in the yarn store. it's unacceptable. i miss my robbie.


and because intern commented on a lyric i posted, i started thinking about him again. i guess i mentioned him to kit a couple times this weekend. how i can't. and won't. but i really still want to. i wish i could.

one of his friends said something about sensitive considerate guys never getting any action. and i said 'your friend lies to you'.

i was there to tell him about el ten eleven. because we have similar taste in music, and i think he'd really like them a lot.

he was doing music reviews for a local magazine for a while. i don't know if he knows them already. in any case, that's why i was there to see the other.

then felt like a chaser for having comments for him.

then fell asleep last night thinking that i should just ask him to a show down the road. conveniently have an extra ticket.


that's right. the queen of circles. and not sticking to my guns. i can't help it. but, actually, i can help it. and i've been doing a pretty good job of not acting on my fleeting thoughts and desires.


when kit and i walked to lunch yesterday, she joked about my needing a leash that she could yank. because there were so many guys walking the streets yesterday, just being hot. and some of them were in groups together. i was drooling all over myself.

i guess it's been three weeks since chalk was here. this must be when i start to get all wound up again.

it will be strange this time. because i can't have him back.


it's been bothering me a little i guess. kit and nate are in agreement that he broke rule #1 about buddies. there's a finite beginning, during, and end. and he tried to stay past the end that i'd determined for him.

and kit thinks he knows he screwed it up. and i just think he has hurt feelings because i didn't let him stay another day. i don't know what it is, but he hasn't had any contact with me since he left. maybe it's just the novelty of the first time being worn off this time around for him. he didn't have to try, to ensure that there would be another time.

but it's been on my mind, too. i guess because i wonder what will happen when i go home, as far as he is concerned. i'm not gonna lie. it would be nice to get some when i go home. i don't see him coming back before then.


kit has really saved me this weekend from a bottomless pit. i keep coming up for a break from it, in her company. last night, we watched the craziest mashup of movies. scifi channel meets hallmark channel.

sharktopus. return to snowy river. dinogator vs supercroc. titanic.

luckily i left before titanic got heavy. it reminded me that leo is one hot dude.


yeah.

low key. and yes, spending a little money i don't really have. because of the stupid dentist. i'll go to bbq house today, i guess. i hope.

and the newlyweds will just have to understand that their present will come later. total embarrassment.

the sooner that next payday gets here the better. i am sick of money worries. all these unexpected expenses that keep cropping up in my life. wedding money. and i have tire problems again. so that will be next. after the six fillings i need, and replenishing the trip home money, and iphone because the replacement phone i got is doing what the last one did and is going to die soon. and a passport. not that i'll have money for a trip anywhere anytime soon. but i could get lucky, i guess. if i can ever remember to buy lottery tickets.

or if ever signs the papers. and lets us sell the house.

i'm drained. i'm broke. i'm sad. this is getting old. it's tired. i'm tired of it. and feeling old.


and i need a hug.