stressed. december 2nd.

so today was suck store. and after that, a surgery pre-screening.

i tripped out for a while because the girl was screening me for anesthesia. and she's a customer.

and she asked all these questions. and because i'm being completely knocked out, it was like taking truth serum and answering, because i don't want to die.

are you married, divorced, or widowed?

eh. married, but getting divorced.

when was the first day of your last period?

right now. surprise!

(after the first series of questions i said, 'we're best friends now. you know my whole life!')

have you used recreational drugs?

yes.

how long ago?

a year. (nearly a true fact - hard to believe...)

which ones?

weed.

do you drink?

yes.

how often.

one or two drinks a night.

do you smoke?

yes.

how much?

five to ten a day.

don't smoke the morning of surgery.


this was a slight improvement upon the instructions of the admissions lady.

which were don't drink or smoke the night before your surgery.

i'm sorry. are you fucking KIDDING me? telling a panic attack ridden smoker that she can't smoke the NIGHT BEFORE surgery? i'm going to have an impossible time sleeping. take my smokes away, and don't hold me responsible for my actions, bitches.

i can't have coffee or anything beforehand, which means killer headache when i come to.

the whole thing was very scary. i know it's not supposed to be.

the only thing that made me feel better was being able to request a specific anesthesiologist. i picked my favorite. even though he'll possibly see my tits as a result. i tried to only worry about that for a few minutes. i just know he'll tell me if i say anything funny and will take excellent care of me. he's been doing this for a few decades. and he totally rules.


but, yeah. scary shit.

you're signing consent forms, and they're asking about living wills. and i'm thinking 'it's just a lump in my armpit. do i really need to have this thing out?' but i do. or i'll spend the rest of my life worrying about the lump in my arm that could be undiagnosed cancer. if it wasn't in such a nerve-laden area, they wouldn't even knock me out. they're giving me anti-nausea meds because more than anything, i really don't want to puke when i wake up and that goes with the territory.

i'm getting my period, and i can't take my beloved motrin for the next week. which also means suffering through the headaches i get when my body goes through this. pisser. luckily, i can still take nyquil. and the daytime meds i've been taking. big relief.

luckily, she didn't draw blood. i was a little woozy at the thought. but she did make me pee in a cup. probably to verify the fact that i'm not currently on drugs.


i was a little surpised that they didn't tell me what this thing entailed. they didn't mention bloodwork. or peeing in a cup. they didn't mention that i had to pay my co-pay. or that it would take an hour. i expected them to verify my insurance and let me leave.


the whole drive home i wondered how many insurance people now know that i smoked weed a year ago. or will exclude me from treatment for something later because i answered yes today. this is what happens when you have anxiety. oh well.

then i worried about if kit will really be able to take me, how i'd get there otherwise, and thought out the morning of, giving kit my smokes and not letting me have one on the way.

stupid shit like that, that i felt necessary to worry about a full week in advance.


what a day. what a night.

i tried to be awesome, and do things today to make my friday easier than it's going to be otherwise. and if it didn't slightly bite me in the ass. goddammit.

turns out i have the wrong version of a file saved, and ever has the computer that could fix it. i made this whole trip out to make my morning and afternoon tomorrow a little easier on me, but it backfired.

luckily, i went to the store i'm usually at, and kit needed a break. so i helped her. and that made it feel a little more worthwhile.

i worry for kit. i wish that, like me, she would start to stand up for herself and tell people who don't help her to fuck off. but she won't do it. and is now spending a very long night after a very long day, to be followed by a very long day tomorrow in the lab, because no one that she helps on a daily basis would help her.


it's so easy when it's someone else. to tell them what to do.

i'm so spiteful and vengeful. i told her that i'd use their exact words when they ask her for help the next time. but she won't. and i told her that i'd tell them she wasn't going to help them until they helped her first. bbut she won't. she'd rather have a shit night than put someone through what they're putting her through.

i'd do it for her, but she'd hate me. and i'd break her boss's kneecaps, but i never see him.

he's such a masochistic asshole. he torments her. and she is helpless in the situation, because she just wants to graduate.


so i had my first drink of the night for her. while i was at staples running that stupid errand, i ran to the liquor store after for smirnoff vanil, which is half as pricey as the stoli i usually buy. i just can't drink all that beer. only at the bar. gotta ditch carbs somewhere, and it's the easiest place to do it.

getting nowhere with atkins was a blow and a half. nothing changed. i felt better about myself despite the lack of change in the way my jeans fit.

whatever. i eat salad as often as possible. and when i was sick and ate ramen, and bored and ate popcorn, i just tell myself that it's okay.


i keep expecting landlord to run into me and try to be nice so i can tell him to sod off, because it's nicer than saying fuck off, and i've been watching brit things lately. i still can't get over him yesterday.

if he only knew what i was dealing with, he would be thanking me for paying my rent at all. whatadouche.


time to try to sleep. even though i'm awake and don't want to go to sleep. it's another day at suck store. and again on monday. luckily a customer told me so today, or i'd have had my usual sleep in driving day, forgetting all about my responsibilities and obligations. an easy day, where i make bank tips for the amount of work i have to do.

honestly, i'm kindof glad for it. being crazy busy for a few hours in the morning will make the easy afternoon so much better.

i will have to write about the marital inventory i did today, followed by the call to the mortgage people, and then the lawyer, at some point in my day tomorrow. it was traumatic. really drives home the fact that the worst is yet to come, and that ever is a fucking piece of shit. i can't write it out before i sleep or i might not. or waste a night of dreaming on ever's dumb ass showing up to torment me in my sleep.


here's to dreams about a new version of life. one that has dna unlike anything we've ever seen on this planet before. i'll have to write about my mono lake experience tomorrow as well. and the awakening intuition experience as well.

turns out that reading this book actually seems to be awakening my intuition, even though i'm skeptical.

seriously crazy shit going on in my thoughts lately. super on point with new research that is coming out. and the book is making me wonder if i've chosen my future life path all wrong.

i'll sleep. and read some more. and then write my ass off tomorrow at work.

because if there's something i know a lot about, it's making up for lost time...