it's DECEMBER? dec 1st.

how many days has it been?

too many. i have to re-read to remember where i left off.


so that was saturday.

sunday was really not much of anything to write about. monday wasn't either.

yesterday, i talked out the issues that i was having, and that situation is resolved.

i'm feeling better, but definitely not 100%. it will be a while still, at least a week from what i can recall of the last cold i had that was just like this one.

the majority of what i have to say is related to ever.

he still hasn't paid the mortgage. now, because it's the first, it's already due again.

he'd better fucking pay. i will be so angry if i do.

i found out today that, if i pay the things he's not, i will most likely not get that money back.

so it changes things for me. my willingness to fix the problems he's making for me.

i got all of my paperwork sorted. signed, notarized, the whole nine. and today kit printed out my newest paperwork for me.

a list of all marital property, to be divided in court.

i really cannot believe that he is letting it get to this.

and who the fuck is advising him, anyway?

i just don't get it. i hope he gets what he deserves in other aspects of his life.

because he is really maxing me out, and i left to not have to deal with him and his bullshit. yet, somehow, nine months later, here i am. dealing with his bullshit.

so tomorrow at suck store will be spent listing all the things i own and left behind.

i had a shrink appointment finally, on monday.

i talked about the issues i was having. mostly talked about ever. and talked about tim and why that happened. and she agrees. that it happened because i was supposed to meet him, or more likely, because i was supposed to realize that i am ready for interaction with boys and whatever comes after that. and to learn not to do that again.

that i don't have to put obstacles in my path anymore to keep myself from having fun with boys.

so that was cool and reassuring.

and at the end, i was talking about the panic attacks i have been having, mostly ever-induced. the kind that i can't bring myself down from as quickly as i can the majority of the time.

and she asked me if i was still opposed to medicine. not the kind you take everyday, she said she doesn't think i need it, and i don't want it.

but she prescribed ativan to me, so that if i'm having a panic and can't calm down, i can take it. or just know that i have it.

and in light of the surgery next friday, and the flight in a few weeks, i am glad to have it. so i filled the prescription, and i have it if i need it.

the shrink was good. she told me more than once that i've done a lot of work in the last year, and in the last few months since i'd been.

i was talking about how every birthday for me is this traumatic time where i think about my life to that point, and what i've accomplished. how every year i'm tired, and feel like i have nothing to show for my efforts.

and how i'm afraid of this birthday. because there's this duality. on one hand, i have come a long way. i am happy i left ever. and i've grown so much as a person. but on the other hand, i'm going to be 33 in one week from today, and i am single, not even divorced yet (i thought it would be done and over with in four to six months), and have nothing to show for my hard work yet again.

i mean, i do. but it's not tangible yet. and who knows what will even happen in this whole court thing.

i could end up getting screwed, which would be about par for the course. he's been screwing me over for years financially, why not go out with a bang?

i'm going to have to think hard tomorrow when i'm making that list.

and you know what happened today?

i mean, i feel bad for him in a way, because he had no clue the week and month that i've had.

but landlord sent me a text because it's the first, and i didn't put my rent check under his door before i left for work like i usually do.

he sent me this text saying that the grace period is a courtesy, and that it's the first and my rent is due.

what the fuck? it was like 4 in the afternoon.

who does he think he is?

i sent him a text back that said i am perfectly aware of the date and that just as soon as i get home from work i'll put the check under his door. that i never pay my rent late. ever.

what a fucking dickhead.


what the shit?

i guess he's pissed that i stopped paying it early. but that's what happens when you bitch to me about your money problems and take your sweet ass time to fix my shit.

you don't get money before it is owed to you.

if he only knew that i am seriously headed for trouble as far as paying my shit is concerned. with the whole lawyer thing, and possible mortgage thing, i am really going to be hurting when i come back from florida.

i intended to pay him jan rent before i left. but now i think i'll just mail it to him.

and i really want to get a new door handle/lock for my apartment door. to see if he says something. because that would mean he tried to come in again. ugh. i can't even let my paranoid brain think about it. what a douchebag.

a lot of anger today. maybe that's because i woke up this morning, with plenty of time to catch a bus to work. i left my place at 805 to catch the 818. and waited until after 845 in the pouring rain, soaking wet and freezing, with water puddled in my shoes. to watch a full bus pass us by, and for the next one to be completely packed. so much that, after our stop picked up, he blew past the rest of the stops, full.

it was madness. i got to work right at 9. and i was supposed to be there at 830, according to the bus schedule. fuckers.

if it hadn't been raining so hard, and been so windy, i would have walked. this is why i don't wait for the bus. because this is what happens to me every single time i do. i could have walked there and back in the time it took for the bus to pick me up.

i should have split a cab with someone. but i didn't. and that was just stupid.

and after being spoiled with a four day weekend, i am pretty beat. work is just a chore to me, and will be until i get home and have two weeks off. two weeks to last until april, when i get more vacation time.

i really need the money from my work for my mileage. i keep forgetting about it, it's my safety net. and now it looks like i'll be needing it. and i'm really fucking pissed off and ready to strangle ever. if he takes that from me, i will never forgive him.


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