nestled in the heart of this little mountain town is one very tired girl.
the weekend so far has been pretty fantastic. to think that there are still two more days is a little mind blowing, but that was the point of the long weekend.
friday was a bit of a disaster.
i had two panic attacks after what was supposed to be a very easy day at work, followed by a couple work errands for supplies.
i left work to get my eyebrows done. on the way, i got a text from chalk that said that there was a problem at the airport and that he didn't have a reservation.
he didn't know if expedia dropped the ball, or if he did, but regardless, he showed up to fly out and couldn't.
at first i thought he was messing with me. but as i texted back 'are you serious?', i realized that he isn't the type of person to joke around about something like that. i sent the text and went to the waxing chair, not knowing what was going to happen. i almost left, because i thought that there was no way he could get a reasonably priced ticket out at such late notice.
but i didn't leave.
i felt sick, and my anxiety level started to go up from there. while i was in the chair, my phone rang, and i didn't pick it up, thinking it was chalk and that i'd call him back when i was done.
to add to the stress, my work phone was dead and shut off, and my regular phone was nearly dead. so i was out, and running errands, knowing that i was nearly out of touch with everyone for a few hours until i got home again.
so i got to the car, and checked my voicemail.
the security guard at work called to say that the health inspector showed up after we'd closed for the day.
i called chalk, feeling just horrible for his situation.
he said that he would be able to fly up, but not until 730 at the earliest. i told him that it was okay to reschedule the trip, thinking he was just being kind in trying to pay a ridiculous amount of money to still come up.
but he said it really wasn't too much more and that he was absolutely coming up.
so at that point, i realized he'd be in at 10. and i was sad, but also relieved, because it meant i'd have time to do work stuff without rushing.
the only thing that makes my panicking worse is being in a hurry. thinking fast is bad enough, but moving fast at the same time is a terrible combination. especially under the pretense of added pressure.
so i hung up with him, and had panic attack number one.
i was driving to the store, really trying to hold it together. sweating, shaking. it was all work, not chalk.
i knew that this meant the inspector would be back on tuesday, and to say that this is not okay and that i'm not ready for her is an understatement.
so i get to the store to pick up things for work, realizing i'd forgotten the list at home in my work bag.
and of course, i can't remember anything that was on it.
so i grab what i know i need and start thinking of things on the list as i'm in line at the checkout, and resolve to get them at the next store.
i was walking around home depot in a daze, unable to find what i needed, and unable in my condition to think clearly about where things might be. i started asking for help after about ten minutes of unsuccessful wandering.
i knew i was forgetting things, but didn't know what, so i found what i could remember, and was maneuvering around the store with a gigantic sheet of wall covering, four by eight feet, draped over my entire cart. bumping into things, and trying to get the fuck out of the store, trying not to worry about the fact that i didn't know how it was going to fit in the car at all.
it was flexible, so i was trying to think positive.
i pay for everything and walk out, load everything into the car. and for one split second, i missed ever. i thought, 'he'd have this in the car effortlessly.'
and then thought, 'fuck that. i got this.'
and i did.
and then texted kit that i was on my way to work, and could pick her up after dropping everything off, to hang out for a while.
chalk's flight wasn't at 730, but was at 9, so now he wouldn't get in until 1130. i was so tired, from waking up at 6 worried about work and excited for his visit.
kit was super helpful, and trying to calm me down, because of how worked up i was when i got to her.
so we went to the bar for happy hour and had a couple beers and some food, and i started to come down off the anxiety high.
and then i got really tired.
when you suffer from panic attacks, after you have one and recover, your body is depleted and you just crash out.
so i was laying down, and tried for over an hour and a half to take a nap.
but i couldn't sleep.
and in thinking about the health inspection, there were things i knew i'd need to do before going back to work on tuesday, and because i didn't know when chalk would be leaving, i needed to go to staples then.
so i got up, and kit said she'd go along for the ride.
we tried to mix in a visit to robbie that was unsuccessful. i'd also gone the day before, but he was nowhere to be found.
then hit the grocery store at about the time chalk was boarding.
and said something that cracked kit up while we were in the store. in produce, i was asking her what types of snacks i should get. i really don't know him well enough to know what he'd want to snack on and he just said something light, which wasn't helpful.
so we passed the grapes, which were on sale, and i said, 'grapes are cute, right?'
i think that what i meant was that grapes would be a cute gesture, because i envisioned feeding him grapes, and thought that was sweet.
but it sounded funny, and kit got a kick out of it.
i put the grapes in the cart and got some random assortment of snacks, and went home.
i was over the work anxiety by that point. i'd done what i could do to help the situation on tuesday. everything else is out of my control.
then i started to get ready for chalk.
the preparation for this visit was very different than before.
i guess because this time there wasn't the 'i wonder what is going to happen, and how it's going to be' thing, that was alleviated. and he hadn't been around online to talk to and flirt with, so i was worried that he was less than excited or less than ready for a visit.
i get really heady like that sometimes. and not having feedback makes it much worse.
luckily, nina had asked him about his trip up and he told her that he was really excited, so that made me feel a lot better.
in any case, he arrived, and we made it home safely, and wasted no time.
and then stayed up watching things online until 330, when he fell asleep watching the pushing daisies pilot. which was awesome. i love that show.
i think i fell asleep around 430 and didn't sleep well. what else is new?