mourning. january 28th.

it's a good thing there's a lot of stand up comedy in my netflix queue.

because last night and today have been really sad.

it's a coctail spiked with packing tape and broken contracts. i'm moving backward to move forward.

ever was quick to say that he is hesitant to enter a third contract with me in an email, because i've now broken the contract of our marriage, and the home, and now add to the pile a lease with landlord.

i should be ecstatic. landlord didn't flip out like i thought he would. in fact, he was sweet. helpful even. and without asking about security deposit and last month's rent, he let me know march would be last month's rent and that i'd get my deposit back.

i was so afraid to open that email. and then i was shaking my head.

i suppose i'm a dealbreaker. but i'm okay with it. i'm reacting to other deals being broken.

anyway, since i got the email back from landlord, now i'm sad because of it.

i guess i expected a fight from him. and when i didn't meet up with that, i realized, 'holy fucking SHIT. i'm moving.'

everybody? back into the house...

i'm moving. the whole time i've been in this shitty apartment, sad about being stuck in my lease. but it was a fair trade for being in this neighborhood. being five doors down from my home away from home - favorite bar. being two blocks down and two blocks over from kit.

what the fuck am i going to do? banished to the badlands on the other side of south phila.

no favorite bar. no neighbors. no friends.

a neighborhood i wouldn't choose to walk around in alone at night. it wasn't so bad with ever in the picture. but now? not cool.

back into the house. i just... i'm at a loss.

i know this is what i have to do. and i said a couple times yesterday that i just have to keep my eye on the prize. it's not easy money. but it's going to be fast. six months is nothing.

i guess the problem is that, the past six months, i kept telling myself 'just make it to may'. and now, 'just wait til october'.

and getting excited about another summer floating in a pool, detoxing from ever. detoxing from divorce. detoxing from retreating home.

and overnight, a whole new set of timelines has been created. and nothing looks like what it looked like two weeks ago.

and it depresses me.

but there's no sense in getting sad about it. i'm doing what i have to do, and i don't want it to be miserable.

i hope it feels good to work on the house.

because my family is waiting patiently. and last night, dad went on this whole tangent about putting up a wall and painting for like ten minutes.

and i stopped him, and said, 'i don't want to get on the house fixing tangent right now. i have to take this one step at a time, and first i have to get out of here and into the house. and then i have to figure out how to pay for it. and then how to pay to fix it.'

the problem with waiting is that all the money i need right now will be tied up in the house for a long time.

realizing that, and the fact that i'm going to have to go deeper into debt to get out is scary. i'm already maxed out and broke as shit. i have no credit, can't get more because ever is ruining mine. i have to make my top priority fixing it once everything is signed.

and all of this hinges on ever agreeing to my deal. and it's a toss up. to me, i can't imagine him turning it down. but the flip side is, he said 12k because that would fix him up. and without having that much to give him, i don't know that he'll take it.

and i guess at some point in the day yesterday, i realized that i'm about to leave my therapist. and this city. and the seasons. i'm losing kit, and lauren, and alice, the people here who have kept me sane the last eleven months.

so here i am, again, mourning losses.

and this is where i take a note from brownies, and do some affirmations to turn it around on myself:

i'm gaining freedom.
i'm gaining good credit.
i'm gaining single-dom.
i'm gaining control over my situation.
i'm gaining a place that i can fix and have it affect me.
i'm gaining a paycheck for three extra months.
i'm gaining insurance for three extra months.
i'm gaining my therapist for three extra months.
i'm gaining a life less full of reminders of all the mistakes i made.

and also, yesterday, i realized in chatting with nina, that i have now been alone for two weeks shy of a year.

i did what i set out to do eleven and a half months ago. i didn't cave. i don't know how. i didn't go on a single date. i had a tiny dose of sex. i didn't fall for the wrong boy, because i didn't fall for any boy.

i cannot believe that i did it. really, truly.

and because i did, now the punishment is over, and i can have some FUN. another week will hopefully mean the signing of the papers. and the opening of an online dating account.

i have my work cut out for me, in so many ways. it's a good thing that i like to be busy. to make the time go by faster.

and because i wrote the word 'punishment', let me take a minute to talk about something crazy that happened today.

that trial that i had to testify for? today, she started serving her sentence.

it's crazy. i thought this day would never come.

in talking to the d.a., who is a seriously kickass dude, he told me all about his day in court today. he read the letter she wrote to the judge, talked about what the judge had to say about it. what she had to say in court for herself.

because she is psychotic, and takes zero responsibility for what she did, everything was all about being with her family.

the crazy bitch had another baby. she was pregnant, maybe eight months, at the preliminary hearing. obviously, she'd already been arrested. and despite knowing she had been caught, she still thought she'd get away with it.

and i have an idea that i know what she was thinking. she thought that showing up huge pregnant would be a get out of jail free card. off the hook, no problem.

and when she didn't? she thought having a newborn during the trial would get her off the hook.

and when she was found guilty? she thought getting pregnant and having another baby would get her out of hard time. and she filed her appeal to drag it out even longer, pushed out another baby, and went to court today, begging for mercy. she literally wrote that out. dear judge, i'm begging you for mercy. i have a new baby and a toddler, and i am breastfeeding. my husband can't take care of our kids without me. please let me stay with my family. let me serve my time through work release so i can repay my debt.

this, after already pleading with him when she was found guilty and denied house arrest. and being told no.

another baby.

and what's more? she apologized. but not for what she did. she apologized for getting caught. i'm sorry for the outcome of the trial. are you insane? you put all the money in your checking account. how dumb do you think people are?

in any case, she went in today. alone. her husband wasn't there. again, i know what she was thinking. i have a newborn. surely they won't put me away. especially not today.

but sure as shit, they did.

walked her behind the wall. interesting thing about courtrooms. i don't know if this is the case everywhere, because i'd never been in a courtroom until phila. once for jury duty, but i was dismissed.

the courtroom walls are paneled. and appear seamless. but if you sit in the courtroom and see either the defendant come in, in handcuffs, or the convict go out, in handcuffs, the wall swings open, and there's a whole maze behind it.

today, she went behind the wall.

it's going to be a long seven to twenty three months.

compared to her sentence, my eight months looks like a cakewalk.

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