new habits. march 2nd.

so i've been doing interesting things.

first, in my mind, is denying myself. and how it backfires in a big way.

for example, i get into bed exhuasted and hungry. so i eat later than i want to, in an effort to not go to sleep hungry. then i want a cigarette. but i know it will wake me up, so i don't have one.

and i lay in bed awake, hours later. and some random thought passes. and my heart starts racing sometime after midnight. and i give up. and have a smoke. and some time later go to sleep.

had i had that cigarette, i might have passed right out. but getting layered up takes effort. and descending and climbing stairs is some form of light exercise that makes my heart pump harder.

another thing i've been doing lately is thinking about things while trying to sleep that keep me from sleeping.

last night, it was listening to the universe, about setting up camp on mars, and the logistics. and then i started wondering what the stars would look like from there. what a sunset would look like from there.

pictures do exist, but not helpful ones. the sunset photos were amazing. but the stars are insane because there is zero light pollution, so it's overwhelming. like star party nights times a million. when you can see every visible star, you can't find constellations. and knowing that the sky would look entirely different from another planet blows my mind. people have been staring at the same constellations on this planet since the dawn of recorded history. i can't imagine a fall sky without orion, or every night sky without the big dipper.

and then i thought about going there (to mars). that old question... if you knew you could never come back, would you launch yourself into outer space? i always think i would. i don't know if i could, realistically. i wouldn't want to leave people behind.

but i'd want to pull myself away and go. and if i could only take five cds to listen to, what would they be?

i know i'd take blue screen life (pinback), and probably takk... (sigur ros). and i'd want a thao (probably know better, learn faster). and i think i'd want some ani (disc 2 of living in clip). and maybe counting crows (august and everything after).

but in taking those, i'd have to leave that dog. (retreat from the sun). and weezer (blue album). and tori (under the pink).

i don't know if i could only take five.

really, i'd make five mixes of my all time favorite songs.

forever is a long time to be without new music.

could i do it? and live? and be happy? would i meet aliens? get bored? kill myself after a year of seclusion? who knows...

this is some of the shit that keeps me up at night.

you know, maybe i could take five ipods instead.

then i could deal with it.

i think a lot about the fact that there is simply no way that we can be the only planet that supports life in our universe. but whether we, or any other beings, will ever find a way to travel the distances to each other, not to mention noticing that the other exists and heading in the right direction, is not going to be determined in my lifetime.

we may never know. but it just seems silly to think we're alone.

the other shit, not as fun.

i don't know. yesterday at work, i heard a few songs that made me think of ever. and thought of a few random memories. i was talking to kim about the memories, some of them. because it's just so strange to me, what floods back. things i'd forgotten that some happenstance triggers the remembering of.

music is the worst. there are too many songs that will be linked to him. that i'd never listen to. but that the radio deals to me on occasion. i can no longer listen to the xx without feeling sick inside. last winter i cried myself to sleep to that cd so many times. sigur ros, too, but it didn't ruin it for me. rocket man now requires that i change the station.

the memories don't make me sad, exactly. they just make me think of where my life was before, and where it is now. how different every single aspect is. how, at those times, i'd never have thought i'd be here. and how, from here, i can't fathom that i was there.

back to habits...

i will always struggle with saying 'no'. and it doesn't have to be someone i know or care about.

so, because of the situation with crow boy, most likely, i wrote this guy back who had messaged me the first few days i was on dating site. he called me ma'am in the subject, which threw me for such a loop.

but he was very nice. and very polite. and thanked me for the part about sleeping with the fan on, because it reminded him of how comforting that was when he used to do it.

i didn't write him back for a while, because i wasn't interested at all. he's decent looking, cleanshaven with shorter hair. another instance of someone who is my age, but looks much older. but most of his pictures show him with long hair (bald on top) and a long beard. he's an interesting artist, but way too into spirituality and mysticism to put into the potential boy column.

in any case, he's a nice guy, or so he seems.

and i wrote him back to say, yes i'll grab a beer with you or lunch. whatever.

he'll be my practice date. so i can give my answers a test run and gauge it. so i can meet someone new. so i can say that i went on a totally random date.

hopefully it is at least entertaining. maybe i'll make a new friend.

i think i'd be much better friends with him than interested otherwise. but we will see.

is it mean to do it? he said originally that it would be his treat, to which i said not his treat. but is this really only because i can't say no? i am too nice? i don't know.

i mean, the other guy tried even harder to be witty and i didn't so much as even give him a message back. i don't want to be branded on dating site. i don't want to only go on dates that don't excite me.

and i can't seem to pick which boy i message next.

kit seems to think crow boy will message me back at some point. what's funny is that dating site keeps putting him in my face, because he's a new user like i am. maybe he's having really good luck right off the bat. has his pick of women. maybe the well will dry up in a month and he'll slum it and write me back. the way i intend to start with my four stars and see what happens. if nothing, then onto the threes.

i don't know. i can't care. but seeing his face on the suggestions all the time has a little mini flutter effect on me. i need to kick it to the curb. his face is just so ideal in my little world. there will be others. it will be okay.

practicing non-effects will make them second nature at some point. hopefully in the not too distant future, because if i send out five messages and hear nothing back, at this rate, i'd be crying in a pile in the corner of a room. but if i practice, i'll start to think of the next five before this five are even written.

insomnia isn't so much a habit as a condition. but i've been without awesome sleep for what feels like two weeks now.

i just can't do it. i'm naturally awake at night, and awake unnaturally early for work every day. it's like my body needs x number of hours away from work and awake. so working ten hour days that end at 7 when i get home fucks up the system. because if x equals 5 hours, i'm up til midnight. and that's not usually how it goes. i have seen 1 and 2 am more often than not the past two weeks. throw in a suck store day like today, where i'm up at 540, and buckle up.

at least i spent my day sitting. there were actually rushes today, which was nice. there was an hour where i was constantly making drinks. but for the most part, i'm relaxing, and i needed it.

i'm not looking forward to going to the house from here, but i have to make the next pass. i'll probably revacuum because i'm a stickler like that. and mop as i go. i hope that the stink of the chemicals i'm going to use kills all the funk that is living in the rooms right now. it's this awesome disinfectant deodorizer cleaner that the school uses to clean the bathrooms and floors at my store. so it should do wonders on the house.

to be determined.

then after i exhaust myself with that, i have art night.

i'm actually kinda wishing that i could take the night off, because it's going to be tight, time-wise. i've been feeling lately that there are not enough hours in the day. and i guess that makes up for all those weeks i spent laying around for hours everyday, thinking that the days were entirely too long. so long that they needed to be wasted away.

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