sleep deprivation. march 28th.

i have done all that i can do for one night.

i have to try to sleep, because i didn't get any last night, and made myself so sick today that i was convinced i was getting the flu.

in the last three days, i've eaten a handful of french fries, a slice of pizza, two chicken fingers, and three tostadas.

it's not okay. i am not okay.

mostly, this is about ever.

i met with jay's girl tonight, and she gave me information that basically put me over the edge.

ever's business is falling apart. jay's best friend split off to do something else.

if i was ever, i'd feel like my company was dead.

and in light of me leaving him, i'd feel like i had absolutely nothing left to live for.

i actually tried to call his mom tonight. i don't have her number. the two i called from faulty memory ended up being wrong numbers.

i'm dreading setting off a panic, but couldn't live with myself if i knew something his mom didn't, and that he died in the end.

i do not know what to do. all i know is that it is not my place, or my fault. and if i end up going to his funeral, i will never forgive him for giving up.

* * *

ever's mom just called me. she talked to him. he is okay.

what the fuck...

i'm done with this then. i have to be.

he is going to hate me. but i can't really care about that.

my work here is done.

i told her that i didn't mean to cause alarm.

what's strange is that she wasn't surprised when i said that i was afraid he was using again.

she actually said, 'yes'.

i don't know why, or what to. but maybe he relapsed a while ago? maybe she knew? maybe he isn't in it right now?



* * *

tomorrow should be decent.

regular day back with the girls. possibly a supply run with contractor tomorrow night. maybe followed by a couple of easy odds and ends at the house.

or maybe i just come home and relax.

hopefully i can sleep tonight. i'm taking nyquil, just in case.

and i'm trying not to think about the cutest part of my day today. robbie came to suck store to drop a delivery. we talked for a while, which was nice. and right before he left, i was telling him that i can help him on the weekends (which i always say) and pitching ideas about specific things i can do to help.

and he said, 'you know what i want? i want someone to take me by the hand, and tell me what to do'.

so i held his hand. for a minute. and said, 'robbie? everything is going to be okay. i will help you.'

it was so sweet. i had never touched his hand before.

he didn't seem to mind, so that made me smile.

and in the vein of, when it rains it pours, just before i left there, since last night, i had received five different emails from boys on dating site!

i think i might have five potential dates lined up!!

i messaged all the boys that came back as matches.

i told one that he seemed delightful, and that we should chat. before i saw that he hates smokers.

and he messaged me back that i was right. that we should chat.


one guy sent me his number and told me to text him.

i don't know what the fuck that is supposed to mean. what do i text to a perfect stranger? and how long do i wait? there was no mention of meeting up, or anything. what the fuck?

this is so complicated.

one boy is my favorite. he is a sam. and he said we should do something outside. so we'll see when the weather turns nice enough to go on that date. he told me i was pretty and level headed. made me swoon a little.

and it made me feel pretty good about myself.

another guy said that he wants to play scrabble and drink beer. he's a little young, but i'm going to do it anyway.

another guy is a comic artist who thinks about dinosaurs. he seems cute and together.

we discussed the dating site setup, he was really cute in his note, said he was new to the site. i wrote him back about my experience so far, and told him if he's up to chat or meet up, i'm game.

and while i was writing this? a boy who i thought had no interest totally winked back at me.

i said GODDAMN.

lowering your standards on dating site feels an awful lot like winning the fucking LOTTERY.

and they're cute! none of them live in phila. which is why i hadn't given them the extra star.

i guess if i scatter my fuck buddies all over the tri state area, that can be a win. depending on how i work it.

man. if i don't make out with someone by the end next weekend, someone please beat the shit out of me. there are too many possibilities here for me to fuck up every single one of them.

that's it for tonight, friends. i'm going to nyquil it up and pass out.

here's to hoping i wake up un-sick, without another kink in my neck/back.

and that someone commits to a date and time. so i can have the first online date. of my whole entire life.

no pressure, boys. and no, i won't tell the person until way down the line. if there is a way down the line.

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