the flood. april 3rd.

i'd think it was hormones, but it can't be.

raging hormones, maybe?


i'm tired of being sick. i'm tired of not having an appetite, though i'm pretty stoked to have the confidence to pick up my skinny jeans from this past summer, believing i'll fit into them.

for my hot date later this week.


it also has something to do with the music that is finding its way to me.

and the fact that spring is coming. it's so close i can taste it.

baseball season is here, which only justifies my overdrinking.


and dates mean sleepless nights, hopefully making out until my lips are chapped and my legs are tangled with someone else's.


it's a scary place to be, mentally.

one one hand, i know i can handle fucking without attachment. but i'm afraid to get excited and be into someone and have them not be into me. wanting someone and having them not want me.


my first mistake was hitting the next arrow on facebook pictures. i got so sentimental for friends who are far away from me. wanting to feel the magic of this summer. before things got so fucking awful this winter.

seeing pictures of coffee both went to show me how far i've come, reiterated today by kit saying something about me only wanting one person's attention. because i don't feel like that anymore. now i just want a lot of attention from any of the boys that i'm casting a net over in an effort to catch.

and also reiterated by nina reminding me that i've been dying to make out with someone for YEARS. and i'm a little afraid of letting myself go and being in a place where i can get that.

because i don't want a boyfriend. or a relationship. i just want someone to make out with and send home. or have sex with, and send home. after waking up and hoping they like my blueberry coffee.


it also reminded me that, as long as i accidentally bump into that picture my sister snapped of coffee and i, that night he came to see me before he met his girlfriend, i will always have that regret. his smile was so bright. and our body language says all the things i try to convince myself weren't really there, in an effort to ditch wanting him for good.


rilo kiley 'takeoffs and landings' album is killing me. four tet 'rounds' album is killing me. my spring mix is killing me.


when i'm in that headspace that is so scary, and every song seems to be speaking to me, as ani so eloquently put it.


last night, i didn't go out as much as i was dying to. because i felt bad, and i didn't want to get my friends sick.


and a random text from a dating site boy led to four hours of back and forth texting play by plays of the phillies games. and getting to know you games.

and inadvertently setting up four future dates with him. i told him that i hope he likes me in real life, because we are now getting drinks at a dive bar, going out to his favorite indian restaurant, having hot dogs (because i don't share his affinity for sushi) and watching a baseball game, and having a night of beers and bowling. all his recommendations, not mine. i was certainly not going to be so presumptuous.

and when i said that, his response was, 'you're not annoying. you love baseball. and you have boobs. what's not to like?'

which made me like him even more. virtually.

he's super cute. and really funny.

things are about to get messy.


i'm shaking. i'm writing words down, and jenny is singing them.

i feel myself entering this phase where i don't get sleep. i mean, i've already been there for a week in a bad way. but it's about to switch to manic mode. where i feed off the sleep deprivation, instead of feeling like shit because of it.


i don't know. i made myself eat dinner because i was shaky. but as soon as i eat, i feel sick.

i hope it passes soon, so i can go back to being a pig, worried about clothes fitting.