sex day. april 5th.

yesterday was one for the books.


i am already so heady with dirty thoughts and so full of impure desires. and i guess because it was 76 degrees and sunny yesterday, everyone was in an amazing mood at work. we listened to john legend pandora in the morning and james brown pandora in the afternoon. and that essentially translated to a lot of songs about sex and make up sex.

spring has sprung. it was thick in the air. and everyone was acting on it. whether they knew it or not. there was more than one point in the day where i was at a total loss for words. i'd try to talk and everything would come out in a wicked jumble. it felt exactly like the days leading up to chalk's first trip here. walking around without relief of sexual tension for days on end, despite my best efforts to nullify.


because all but the most important of my work 'boyfriends' came through yesterday, and because i was wearing my cutest spring outfit intentionally, the tension was thick on my end.


original nineteen year old boyfriend came through and got a fork from us, and walked away right as 'me and mrs jones played'. kim said he was about two minutes too late. that it could have been perfect. he is just the cutest. he blushes when i ask him questions about school, and i ask him questions about school just to watch him blush and fidget and play with his hair.


the craziest bit of my day was when my other blushy boy, adam, came through. he's the one that made me insane all fall and winter with his corduroy pants and cardigan sweaters.

he walked up to the counter after being away for a couple weeks. and he asked for an iced coffee, and decided that the best place to stretch was right in front of my register. his polo shirt came up to mid stomach. i caught a half eyeful of little belly and happy trail and diverted my eyes. kim, on the other hand, just stared. i would have, but didn't want my puma reflexes to propel me over the counter, pivoting on one hand, dukes of hazzard style. so i made his drink instead.

and we were talking about the weather (he came with his girl coworker). saying how incredible it was.

and he said, 'everyone is walking around in hoodies and coats. and i just want to take my pants off.'

i know for certain that one of us had to have said, 'oh myyy', but my memory is a bit clouded. one of us definitely said something else, and i said, 'in public? wow.'

he talked about it for a second more i know, but my mind was not really in the game at that point. i was definitely somewhere far, far away. with that boy. without his pants on.

dear god.


and then 'sex machine' came on. and a bunch of other songs that were just all too appropriate.

we were a pile of wound up laughs. all. day. long.

there were several references to giving me a few minutes in the stock room. and one request for me to please come in to work with a clear mind.


i don't know. i can't work under those conditions.

i woke up yesterday, and rode my bike to work in the warm spring morning. and felt myself thinking that i really wanted to just fucking quit my job.

i feel like i can't do the job right now. i cannot focus on anything other than boys and sex and having fun. i goof off all day that i work with the girls, and feel like not only a lame boss responsibility wise. i feel totally unprofessional.

and it makes me feel like i'm doing kenna a disservice. but i guess the flipside is that there just happens to not be much for me to do right now.

there are a round of health inspections coming up soon, and i'm fucking terrified. if we don't get shut down, i'll feel better about being the boss. but if we do, i'll feel even more like it's time to quit and let someone else be the boss.


i kinda can't fathom not making the money i make. i am four days from having three more weeks of vacation time. i cannot live without health insurance. if these three things were non-factors, i'd work for regular wages, part time, and let someone else handle the stupid shit i don't want to deal with.


and right back to boys. that is where my mind ended up that quickly.


because i have a real date. on thursday night.

with matthew. the boy i talked phils with on saturday when i stayed in.

we're meeting for drinks.

he texted me last night, asking if we had picked a night to go out yet.

and i texted him back saying thursday would be good. at 7.

and he texted me back, 'yes!'


that is approximately the time i let myself get even more excited.


something else happened, too.

alice has this friend.

and every so often, she hangs out with him - he was her best friend in college. and she'll post a picture of the two of them.

and every single time i see him, i forget that i recognize him, and ask her who he is.

i usually do it in a private message. but i was feeling pretty fucking full of myself that night, and just posted it right under his picture.

he probably thinks i'm a moronic asshole, because i said 'who dat?'

thanks, j cole, for making feel like a piece of ignorant trash who doesn't use proper grammar when it could possibly count.


within seconds of my comment, she was on facebook chat. cracking up and cracking me up. saying, 'it's greg!'

she said she would make something happen. i asked her not to go all high school with it.

she messaged me excitedly a little while later. saying that she had talked to him, saying, 'my friend thinks you're cute. you should come out to drinks with us.'

and the way she took his response elicited a 'oh my god! he's going to message you!!' response.

but what she said he said (oh my god, middle school all over again) was, 'nah. i think i can swing it. thanks, though.'


seriously, this guy is really cute.

and what made matters worse was that, that same night, he posted a link on her wall.

more than once, someone has told me that i remind them of maggie gyllenhall in 'stranger than fiction'.

i adored that movie. and i think she's hot, so i take it as a compliment when someone tells me that. it's her style, her attitude, her hair, her profession, a lot about her is like me in that movie.

and, of course, my favorite part of the movie is when will farrell plays that wreckless eric song. i am willing to bet that 99% of viewers would agree.

i have the song on my ipod - i downloaded it the night i saw that movie the first time. that's how much i loved that part of the movie.

and alice's best friend from college posted that clip on her wall, that night.


i have been fighting the urge to comment on it. i told her, but in a message.

it's just too much.

it makes me want to say, 'now i really want to meet you, sir.'

but i'm restraining myself from putting myself out there too much.


because it followed my saying fuck it and commenting on a picture that nina took of intern and i on dancing night the last time i saw him. i said, 'intern, you really need to come out dancing with us again'.

he didn't comment after. whatever. i just had to do it. and now it is done. and i am done with him. moving on...

i wish i could chuck him into the 'over it' pile the way i did with coffee. but my brain will always come back to him as the go-to.

maybe if there's another whole year between seeing him i'll be able to get over it. though, if coffee is any kind of an example, i have proven once before that i can not see someone for eleven years, and still not be over it.


i don't know. i'm a fucking headcase. i'm already paranoid about this date, because i just saw the caption on one of his pictures. he name dropped a girl who is his friend. and she has a really unusual name. which just happens to the be the same as matt's girlfriend's name. and he said we're pretty much neighbors.

so i am already fucking terrified that he knows at least three people who are one degree of separation from ever. which means he probably knows ever. or at least knows of him. it's freaking me out. it's my worst nightmare potential. it's my paranoia personified, if it is real.


and because i brought up ever, i should probably say something about that. i have been fully distracted from thinking about it. but last night, a short conversation with mike's mom about getting the divorce decree led me to talk about ever. and how he will probably die sooner than later. that i wouldn't be at all surprised if it was in the next month.

i need to mentally prepare for that distinct possibility. but it's so much easier not to. when i see the shrink on thursday, i imagine i will spend quite a bit of time talking about it and getting her take on it.

* * *

and? aubree just called because she got an internship in phila, in the same building my store is in. my sister will be here this summer!!

seriously, this feels like the best. day. everrr...

the basement is nearly emptied out. the garage already is. i am so so happy my heart might explode.